a splintered mind.

i am a 28 year old girl from northern germany and am currently battling depression and try to use this blog as a diary of some sorts. i try to be more than my depression - i like photography, working with resin, books and nature. so this blog won't be only about depression. i hope. stuff i like atm: Harry Potter, Pokemon, Games like Animal Crossing

[thoughtkick]

“Some relationships just end. Like a star, they burn bright and brilliant, and then nothing in particular goes wrong, they just reach their end. They burn out.”

— Cora Carmack, Losing It

[snowysaur]

results of my 1 per minute pokemon speed draw attempt

support me on: patreon | kofi | redbubble

[hinamie]

to moving forward

[sad-empty-lost]

I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

[disqualified-human-1103]

I wish I could believe people when they say they enjoy my company

[theharbringerofchaos]

I should have died the day I was traumatized for the first time. Then I wouldn't have to deal with the aftermath

[botanical-garden-system-deactiv]

Everyone tells you “communication is key” to every problem you have in life. Whether it be with friends, family, or partners, “communication fixes all.”

But when you grow up in a house that doesn’t communicate.. When you only know aggression and silence.. When you only know how to bury it all down into separate pieces of yourself..

You don’t know what communication is. You don’t know how to communicate that something bothers you. You just bury it all over again, not understanding why you’re so angry and so upset about things. You feel like shit but you don’t know why you feel like shit. You can never piece it together, but you just feel like shit.

The conversation happens, and you get into your normal position. You get ready to feel that corner against your back, and you get ready to growl and snap and bite. You feel like a feral animal being threatened and persecuted for something you didn’t—or maybe did—do. You’re ready to snap and fight back against anything they say.

But then you come into contact with what communication is supposed to be. Kind, caring, understanding, open. At first, you try to get into that normal position, but there is no corner. Even when you snap and lash, all they do is just put a hand on your head and tell you “I see you” without even saying the words.

I can feel that little scared animal within me melting away. I think I understand what people mean by “communication is key” now.

[disqualified-human-1103]

I want to run far away from here and be forgotten

[deeptrospection]

[the-wanderer]

[mercurialramblings]

When does it stop being "you're so resilient" and become "you can rest now"?

[gentleaffirmations]

I am here for the "bad" survivors.

I am here for people who don't perform perfectly as they recovered from their trauma and abuse.

I am here for people who weren't believed.

I am here for people who went back, who reached out, who were unsure about what was happening to them until they were.

I am here for people who behaved chaotically and uncharacteristically in reaction to their trauma.

I am here for people who screamed, yelled, or hit back.

I am here for people who froze, stayed silent, or couldn't fight back.

I am here for people who couldn't get their stories straight, because their own memories of what happened were so fractured by the trauma.

I am here for people who's boundaries became rigid and impermeable as they tried to create a new sense of safety in their life.

I am here for people who lost all boundaries, who felt unsafe setting any boundaries in the wake of having them violated.

Whatever happened that makes you feel like you were a "bad" survivor, I am here for you.

There are no "bad" survivors because there are no "good" survivors. Surviving is hard.

[borderlineangel222]

and suddenly, again, I feel really tired, as if the world is draining me of everything i ever had

[violet-phoenix-nebula]

"But it made you stronger!"

FUCK STRONGER

[theapollosystem]

i mourn the life i could have had if I was never abused

[hellokitty5848]

i sometimes fantasise about just letting go. letting insanity consume me. letting my trauma consume me. letting those years of grief and pain absolutely SWALLOW me. i fear that the possibility is enticing. that one day grasping at hope will become too painful and i will choose to remain broken

[saccharinehell]

sometimes I can see her in the mirror

the little girl I left

a long time ago