I know I'm not the only one to have ever felt like this, but as a human being you're always inclined to make it an individual thing.
Anyway, it is the most dehumanizing, embarrassing, shameful feeling to have built yourself so far up, only to fall back down and realize you'll have to do all that work again and again and again until you die.
And that's just it, that's the big scary thing under the bed that no one wants to acknowledge. It does get better and I am not alone, but I will never reach a stable, I will never plateau. To lose the trust of everyone that you've carefully built back up over time, to ghost the world because you'd rather not be in it, to feel some type of way without feeling acknowledged in that space, it wrecks you.
It eats you alive, and I've just about had enough of being the girl that gets left behind. I've had just about enough of being hurt, and hurting myself in return. I love myself, I love who I am and I love how deeply and upsettingly fragile I am, but it is not a love that translates itself to my everyday life. It's there regardless.
I don't want PM's because I'll ghost you and feel ashamed for it. I just need to write this down and get it out of my head so that maybe, just maybe, I can catch a break every once in a while.
