Its okay to make mistakes --Ā life is forgiving. But most important you, yourself, must be willing to forgive and learn from your own mistakes if you want to live life to the fullest.
Woah its been a long time since Iāve been on tumblr.Ā But I wanted to document this conversation since its really relevant to my life right now.Ā
I was having lunch with my grandma today, and she brought up the fact that I had broken up with Sid a couple of months ago. She then continues to ask,Ā āOh are you seeing anyone else now?ā And I told her no. The rest of the conversation is the best I can recall translated to English.
G:Ā āOh, your other friends also recently got out of a relationship too.ā
M:Ā āYep.ā
G:Ā āHow come you guys are all just dating around for fun and not something serious?ā
M: (LOL)Ā āWell weāre not looking to get married anytime soon, and if the relationship isnāt right, Iām not going to put up with something that gives me a headacheāĀ
As I drove us back home, I reflected on the conversation we just had. In a way, having this conversation validated a lot of things that Iāve been pondering about. Iāve had a rollercoaster of a ups in downs in 2017, its been shitter than I would have wanted, especially these past 2 weeks. The overall theme of my 2017 has been āChangeā.Ā
A change in my relationship, a change with my friendships, a change in my outlook in life, a change in my ambitions and a change in my personality.Ā
The obvious one, and a large part of my life this year was learning my own worth and not putting up with anything less than what I deserved. From finding the courage and resolve to leave a longterm relationship, where I just didnāt feel the same level of respect and happiness, to learning to be more aggressive at work and pursue projects that sounded interesting, to me to making and fostering friendships, 2017 has been one hell of a ride.
I donāt know if its because itsĀ ācuffing seasonā, but Iāve been feeling a lot lonelier these past weeks. And after receiving some hard news this past week, I had a breakdown about how stupid and reckless Iāve been recently. But I think having this conversation with my grandma has shown how much Iāve grown as a person, and that even though I donāt know what the future holds, after much trial and error this year, I have a solid head on my shoulders and friends to support me through the hard times.
So even though I donāt really do resolutions in 2018, the one thing I will have is to take better care of myself -- mentally and physically.Ā
The more friends you have, the lonelier you are. The more crowded it is when you are drinking, smoking, parting and spending, the lonelier you get when you are sad and troubled.
I told my friends goodbye, traveled to new countries, made new friends, evaluated friendships, moved to a different city, gotten my heart broken, and started a new chapter in my life. Back to back highs and lows. Who knew being an adult would be so hard.Ā
On my trip in Europe I made new friends, and had amazing experiences but my one constant back at home was Sid. Even though we never skyped and barely texted throughout the days, he was the one I texted and called when I felt sad or annoyed or frightened. Especially after the Nice attacks, when I got super shaken up. He was always my one constant.Ā
But not anymore. Its been a little over a week since the break started. It was devastating to hear that he felt claustrophobic, that our relationship stresses him out, that I stress him out, that its not something he wanted to deal with right now. Can you imagine? Someone you love so so much, saying that to your face moments before leaving to see your friends. It feels like someone ripping out your heart and saying youāre not good enough. That its not you, its me type of thing. Maybe Iām not emotionally mature enough to understand, but I still donāt get it.Ā
Itās been so hard this week. I think I silently cried in my room for 4 days this week. And today, maybe not the hardest, but one of those days I miss him the most. I want to just call him and for things to be alright, but it isnāt and it wonāt. I miss being able to text him during the day, to tell him my silly jokes, and to tag him in funny relatable posts. I miss hearing his voice and just talking and hearing about how his day went and the lame jokes he always tries to make to cheer me up. I miss the way he makes me feel warm inside. I miss being hugged and feeling wanted. But I donāt like feeling unwanted. I have to accept the slightly possibility that this might not work out. And its true, things will change, things have change. I feel so taken for granted, and it makes it so much harder for me to believe him when he says things. I donāt know if I can love him the same way after this week. I gave and gave so much but in return he asked for a break.
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