aawkwords

musings of a clumsy nerd / overthinking potato

[hello-artmageddon]

#퍼엉 #Puuung #animation “A short animation about what love is (Love is in small things / Puuung)” 

“I feel love is something that emits light from small things and comes in ways that we can easily overlook in our daily lives. So I work to find little moments of ordinary love and translate them into illustrations and animations(…)”

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Hello-Artmageddon stands for the use of Arts as an alternative to solve conflicts around the world.

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[saneiv]

[take-a-dip-in-the-deadpool]

THIS!!

THIS IS AN AMAZING WAY TO THINK OF CHRONIC PAIN

[sinagsabi]

[sinagsabi]

Will I really come out of this alive

What does that even mean

I have lost too many parts of me

To remember what complete feels

To stand in front of another living

breathing

human being

And think I deserve to be just as alive

just as true

just as uncaring

just as new

[sinagsabi]

feeling like a burden again asking too many questions unable to take pride in my own words they should have made a guidebook for how the socially awkward can advocate for themselves and care less about judgment or big consequences how they can take up space and live in it without worrying about ever losing it

[sinagsabi]

2:09 AM

I am still battling shadows at 1:56

I tell myself Maybe weight on my body Will keep me from the weight in my mind So I put a pillow on me And another one Tried sleeping face down Tossed, turned, flipped Nothing is enough

I cry

Maybe if I cry hard enough I'll tire myself to sleep My tears have run dry Yet my heart remains relentless Maybe if I don't sleep I'll feel very sick in a while Then it'll be okay if I don't face another day Then I don't have to make up excuses Because truly I am unwell

Choked Shrunk Beaten Look, you can see

Maybe if they see sick They won't ask any more questions I don't need to talk about my pains I can take a break for free And I won't need to explain

💚 on Instagram: "209 (raw ver.)"

2 likes, 0 comments - aawkwords on November 8, 2022: "209 (raw ver.)"

[sinagsabi]

To/o

too wrong, too right too loose, too tight too wild, too plain too old, too young

the world I grew up in was quite unforgiving it took pride in pointing out the flaws humans make... have not necessarily bad decisions or deliberately hurtful actions but flaws and mistakes errors you never wanted to make flaws you never thought were flaws in the first place

how we ate, stood, sat laughed, cried, celebrated felt walked, talked, stayed silent

my lapses felt like sins and it's been hard to forgive myself for being human

I'm not sure when or how it started

but the world I grew up with was unforgiving I became my own worst critic dumping myself with bad reviews like some mass-produced product sold online shipping took too long seller was not accommodating poor quality if only it was a little bit more of this much

I want to convince myself I'm not so bad I need to convince myself I'm not so bad I am not fresh out of a factory meant to please hundreds or thousands

I am meant to breathe be kind to love, to care to hope, to wish to dream, despair to reach, to grieve to make, to break fall and rise neither too much nor too little just is, am, will be

I want to believe the good people see in me how deeply I cared and how that's beautiful how I'm strong, capable, enough how I'm there, here I want to see that and embrace it and say "Hey, you were there all this time. I know. I love me, too."

💚 빛나 on Instagram: "tried to put together some of my thoughts from the past few days"

5 likes, 0 comments - aawkwords on August 5, 2021: "tried to put together some of my thoughts from the past few days"

[sinagsabi]

HOME

Mid-quarantine bedroom thoughts. First time to actually post a recording of me speaking the words I’ve written so I’m honestly kind of scared haha.

[sinagsabi]

Sa Kabilang Kwarto.

In relation to the proposed lowering of the minimum age of criminal responsibility in the Philippines.

[sinagsabi]

Passing By

You’re not allowed to take photos.

Are any of you afraid?

That was not a joke.

passing by, smiling “Good afternoon, Sir!” “Hello, Ma’am!” “Where are you from?”

someone walks out a cubicle the same clothes to put on all similar yet all different some smiling, staring wondering

the lights are dim the weather cold How are they doing?

passing by, smiling “Hello, Ma’am!” “Hello, Sir!” Christmas songs the sound of coins words of thanks faces of joy

a gaze from a distance a look into my eyes “You remind me of my daughter.” tears welling up and then she cried her hand holding mine still looking, still staring “She’s the same height as you.” “Her hair is just as long as yours.”

“I miss her so much.”

“We’re so glad you visited.” “Where are you from?” voices singing jokes and laughter prayers, prayers, prayers

“We want to be normal people, like you.”

What to say? Why?

passing by, smiling “Hi, Sir!” “Hello, Ma’am!” this was when this was why this was where it all began this is how this is why this is now

passing by, smiling “Hello, Ma’am!” “Hello, Sir!” “I’m pregnant. How are you?”

chattering, silence more questions in mind How to ask them? What to say? apprehension

“Will you sing for them?” a few songs were sung with so much glee almost no sign of fear almost What’s next?

passing by, smiling bothered? afraid? enlightened? wondering, asking repeatedly asking

“We want to be normal people, like you.”

—

Edited version of a poem I wrote in 2016. This was written after a visit to a mental health institution in the Philippines which involved encounters with various patients.

[sinagsabi]

Finding Comfort

a messy room filled with people of great energy where I forget what I’m supposed to remember where my passions are brought to life again where I manage to hold a smile for quite some time

a friend’s car where stories are shared where feelings are told where I can talk about other people and try to stop thinking about my issues struggling to hold them in occasionally scratching the surface

a random bench partly hit by sunlight where the wind runs through my hair and where the clouds distract me teaching me that sometimes change comes too fast

the random restaurants across my school surrounded by strangers who want nothing to do with me with a friend who knows enough about me but not too much to know I’m broken

a study hall where my seat carries it all where work takes my mind away from the pain that surrounds me from the heaviness in my heart from the constant anxiety that comes with living

a lover’s arms where I can cry and not have to explain why where all I have to say is “I’m not okay.” where I can admit that I’m no longer the same way where I feel that someone is carrying the weight with me but feel bad because they do because I think they shouldn’t because they don’t have to

I find more comfort in places that do not completely understand me yet take me as I am I find comfort in places that are not supposed to be home and lose home where it’s supposed to be

[sinagsabi]

Tuldok-kuwit

Kamay sa dibdib Handa Awit 

Tumitibok Pumipintig Buhay pa't nananatili

[sinagsabi]

*worries in Tagalog*

Kukong bumabaon sa mga palad Pawis sa kamay at paa Lamig sa likod at batok Panghihina ng mga tuhod

Kahit sa katahimikan nabubulabog Walang gana kumain Di maayos ang tulog Hindi mapakali at nais lumisan Ngunit madaming madadamay kung biglang liliban, lilisan

Panggigigil Paninikip ng dibdib Parang sasabog sa bilis ng pintig Nagigising nang madaling araw Kala mo'y naghihinalo Tulog pa ang mundo Bingi sa sigaw ng saklolo

Paa't isipa'y madalas maglibot Nais magpahinga, huminga, makalimot Madaming tanong, mailap ang sagot Lakas ng loob di alam sa’n huhugot

Ang sana'y mababaw lalong lumalalim Tuwing sumisikat ang araw Lalong dumidilim Lahat ng mabuti agad napapawi Lahat ng masama nananatili Walang hanggang pagtulo ng luha Madaming kalaban pero walang magawa Minamahal pero parang nag-iisa Nagmamahal pero parang ubos na

Natatakot bumangon magsalita magkamali

Nawawala Nalulula Nalalamon ng pighati

Gustuhin mang lumaban Wala nang maibuga Gustuhin mang sumubok pa Hindi na kaya Pagod na Paano nga ba?

[sinagsabi]

The Attempt

Hi there, earthling! Not quite sure how you got here but I hope you’ll find at least one thing interesting, meaningful and/or #relatable in this blog. This is actually my attempt at taking writing a tad bit more seriously, and to be more honest with you, this is also me trying hard not to lose my love for it. 

I write mostly for fun and catharsis. However, the past few months have been tougher than usual and I haven’t been in the mood to write/create things as much as I used to. I find myself lost, easily drained, and pretty much bummed out about a lot of things. I’ve been trying to get a blog started for months now but couldn’t bring myself to do it. Today feels a bit different though, so here I am, using this chance to start ~*something*~ before I get unbelievably demotivated again (which I’m high-key wishing happens a lot less). I actually also used to have a separate page just for the poems (well kind of) I’ve made but I wanted to keep everything (i.e. poems, essays, life updates, etc.) all in one place. Let’s just hope I’m able to at least keep this blog up and running even as I struggle to keep the rest of my life at bay.

That’s it for now. See you around & keep shining!