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crashing out so bad that i dont wanna exist anymore.

can i just disappear

can the world just forget who i am

i hate myself for hurting u, pls know that.

im sorry for u. for loving a person like me.

i am sorry for holding on when u were in the same situation as me, if i didnt, u couldve left me.

im sorry for taking up years of your life only to leave.

i wish i can be back, maybe one day i will. but for now, im stuck.

tang ina

#lunodsahinagpis

Do I deserve to be, painted so lovingly?

13th of October, Year 2024

My mind is overloaded. My emotions are at peak already. Two events simultaneously making me feel like I'm going to puke. Realizations, self-reflections, critical thinking, realizing that I am still immature for human life.

I am an adult that is lost.

Oh how fragile a human body is,

you'll never know when it'll snap

but once it breaks,

you'll feel it within your veins.

I wish you peace, Kuya Jay. You have been very kind to me and my family. I wish that heaven exists, and that is where you dwell right now. I hope you have finally rested after everything that has happened to you, please watch over your mother and lego and direct them to their right paths. My deepest condolences.

#lunodsahinagpis

felt all emotions in one day, mostly negative and it definitely outweighed all other emotions

most fucked up 24 hrs of my life

lagi na lang umuulan

parang walang katapusan

#lunodsahinagpis

my life had always revolved around other people and their presence. i wasnt the person i was a month ago, society is too demanding to the point that it is required for me to conform to its standards, or else.

it has been a long while since I've tried to think alone, depersonalizing myself and not recognizing the image im showing other people. what is my true identity? i find this question very challenging to answer for myself.

dont get me wrong, this rant is not meant to display any anger or derogatory emotions toward my univ friends. it's solely directed to myself and how i perceive myself and to society as a whole.

i know deep inside myself that i dont like many people, i dont like noisy places, yet, i had fun when i was with my friends last time we drank.

is this because of the hardships we all mutually experienced? the prelims period? our almost one year of being with each other? or is this just because of the dance of alcohol intoxicating our bodies?

eitherway, looking back, my point is, why do people change their behavior towards other people? why do we have multiple personalities depending on the people we're with?

and why do i sometimes feel like im being controlled to act the way people/society asks me to do?

going back to the point i made earlier, society is too demanding to the point that it was required for me to conform to its standards, or else,,

or else i would prolly be labeled as boring

or else i would have no friends

or else my family wouldnt accept who i am

or else my loved ones would not love me back

or else i would be irrelevant, an outcast, away from everyone else, sitting in a corner with insanity the only thing thats holding me back.

crazy to think is it?

and if you delve deeper, you would realize that it's not just me, it's you too, everyone in the world is being "controlled"(s.l.) by one another.

it would only be up to our choices who would we want to "control" and who would we want to "control us".

——or is this just another question of whether if it's actually a choice or no? 👽

as harsh as everything sounded, the depersonalized me at 5am believes this,,, but when i actually wake up i know i might not believe this anymore.

lol ig it's time to sleep, now i actually wanna wilt in this bed until someone wakes me up

,,,,,why did i forget that my therapist was writing weird shit at 3am while crying and basking in loneliness.

anyways, thanks for passing by, fellow human.

#lunodsahinagpis

welcome back to my occasional tumblr emo post

Well well well, it's that time again. When I'm really emotional and I can't seem to comprehend my thoughts in one coherent way.

So because I have nothing to do with my life (not really; im neglecting my acad responsibilites) I have randomly decided to watch the latest season (s4) of kaguya-sama which is actually a movie but is divided into 4 episodes in Netflix. And if you know the show very well, the last season aired for almost 2 years ago (June 2022). Because of this, it would be natural for me to rewatch the last 2 episodes of s3.

Rewatching the last 2 eps of season 3 alone made me cry, oh my god, have I missed out on watching tv shows (specifically anime) for a while already? I haven't felt this emotion for like a year or so. There is something distinctively special when watching slice of life and/or romance animes, and the feeling it invokes significantly, positively, and strongly affects my inner feelings.

But collectively, I just wanted to show that I've missed watching slice of life animes, and the impact it gives me. I feel so soft right now to the point where Im really really really missing my girlfriend so bad.

I honestly don't know what I feel right now T_T, sad, happy, but most likely just overwhelmed because it's been a while since I've been this attached to a (memorable) anime that I've finished last June 2022 which continued its airing just now after waiting for almost 2 years,,,

It's crazy how time moves so fast and how different my life was back then. It's literally making me question existence xD

"I just want to be loved simple and normal" by Kaguya-sama

And because of this, I've realized how thankful I am to have my partner in life around!!

that's all,,,

~~Mata ne, mina-san!

#lunodsahinagpis

when will i ever reach my limit?

im so disappointed with myself. where is ur discipline?

In our whole two-week online class, I did not do any of the outputs/assignments that was given in our course, botany lab. And tonight, I was cramming because it had to be submitted by tomorrow. The thing is, cramming means you can't do your very best simply due to the fact that time is gold. One can't possibly do their whole research paper for a week right?

I'm already hanging by the branches. I have to do my best this finals period. I have to sweat blood and push myself the hardest because I'm barely surviving college, because I'm hanging by a thin thread, ready to split away from my expectations, dreams, and sanity.

When will I ever reach my limit? I go back to this question, asking if I am worthy of the degree I'm pursuing. Asking myself at 3am everytime I breakdown if what I'm doing is my best, if I can ever reach my limit.

Maybe I'm being too harsh to myself,

but one thing's for sure,

I need to stop beating around the bush and change.

I love what I'm studying but why is this happening.

I'm scared, scared of my future, scared of my career. I failed again, and this time I don't know if I can still bounce back.

P.S. hello again tumblr, excuse my cringey vent.

help me pls 😢😥☹️

#lunodsahinagpis

#enrapturedencounters

The appaling beauty of calamity

Image retrieved from: CNN Philippines (https://www.cnnphilippines.com/news/2023/6/9/albay-state-of-calamity-mayon-volcano.html)

#juxtaposition #enrapturedencounters

I was once asked...

Dear U9,

You once asked me before what my favorite quote was. To be honest, I don’t know, I don’t read much and consider anything as my favorite quote :( (maybe not anymore). There’s been a lot that have impacted me in my life and I don’t really consider any of them as my favorite.

But here are some of my “favorites” (i guess):

One of my favorites from The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck:

"The key to a good life is not giving a fuck about more; it's giving a fuck about less, giving a fuck about only what is true and immediate and important."

“The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And paradoxically, the acceptance of one's negative experience is itself a positive experience.”

This book, as cliche as it sounds, made me realize a lot of things. And even if I did not finish the book (i know i suc xd), its impact has been essential to me. I loved how it hated the consumer culture and the dominance of portrait media that’s meddling almost every person’s brain nowadays. I loved how it did not stick with the cliche, how it made people recognize the toxicity that technology is giving us, especially youth. I loved how it focused on giving love and care to the intricate things that are significantly more important than watching a facebook video about how to become a billionare through a cunningly secretive capitalistic-minded approach that could affect everyone’s mind (which is scary btw).

From hachiman (8man) that was part of my character development XD (cringe):

"Pretty words aren't always true and true words aren't always pretty."

“There are things that cannot be taken back. But the world will keep on spinning whether you laugh or you cry.”

These quotes were OG. Grade 7-8 moments xD. Back when I wanted to become a psychologist ;-;

Oh and one last quote(s) that I’ve always looked up to, because I want to do my own quote too someday! x_x From none other than,,,,, (yes you guessed it right, u9)

“You are a child of the cosmos; no less than the trees and the stars, you belong here.”

“You are not in the cosmos, you are the cosmos itself.”

Grrrrrrrrrrrr. Just how should I not get in love with u9, right?! Yeah ikr. Now now, just wait for me to make my own too! HAHAHAHA!!!!!

#Europe Nueve #bugendai #LunodSaHinagpis

No last kisses

Your sweet but poignant voice while you are sleepy makes me cry.

It truly is a marvel for me to be your love of your life.

There are infinite reasons for me to love you.

I don’t want any last kisses with you.

Microcosmos, Macrocosmos, I love you.

#Europe Nueve #bugendai #lunodsahinagpis