Sincerely yours, S

welcome to my diary

[galacticjerk]

*sees two bees flying around my garden* me: i wonder.,. if…. they’re friends..

[perchu-deactivated20180224]

*has a crush* This is infatuation. It isnt real

*sees hot person in hallway* Love at first sight is true the lord has blessed me today the stars have aligned My soulmate is here

[sincerelyyours--s-blog]

“Who said it’s easy to be loved / When you look over your shoulder and only see the wasteland?” 

[sincerelyyours--s-blog]

Last night I experienced derealisation, and it wasn’t until then that I realized that this was not the first time I had experienced this. This was just the worst it has ever gotten. I was heartbroken. I was leaving an event put on by some family and friends for those of us who are going off to college. There were so many people there and such good food. It was beautiful. But those two sentences I just wrote are empty words. I don't know if what I just said is authentic or not. Actually I do know, those are not authentic words. I was just writing what I think my conscious self would've written if she remembered really being there. I don't. It feels like a distant dream. I say I am heartbroken because I know I should be feeling such strong feelings about last night. I should feel tremendous sadness that friends are leaving and great joy because of the amazing night that family and friends worked so hard to put together. But, I feel absolutely nothing. My brain isn't quite convinced that it even happened. I have pictures to prove I was there, thank God. But this really sucks. I WANT to be emotional. My best friends and I are all LEAVING each other!!! After 4+ years!!! I WANT to be crying over it. I want to show emotion that I am sad to see this giant life change that will separate us all, but excited for my friends. my brain just can't handle it. it doesn't know what to do! I think it just may not think it's real, but I'm terrified that once they all leave (I'm staying home for now and going to school here), that's when it will all set in. I'm all alone. What will my brain do then? I am not excited to find out. 

In the meantime, I am slowly and questionably preparing myself.

Sincerely yours,

S

[sincerelyyours--s-blog]

I love love LOVE this photo. I wish I could be there standing amidst that beautiful light!

[sincerelyyours--s-blog]

if the stars were made to worship so will I

[jkeslassy]

Summer Storm

[sincerelyyours--s-blog]

Song of the day 8/9/2018

“you’re like summer in the night / sun goes down but still I feel you”

[sav3th3b33s]

[sincerelyyours--s-blog]

Dazed and exhausted 12:43 am thoughts:

If you know anything about me based off my first post, it's that I'm in a bit of a rut. A bad one. A horribly dark and murky one actually. I don't have a name for it yet, but there are speculations.

Tonight, I held a baby. Four months old. I was doing childcare with two other girls, and we expected as many as 15 kids to show up, but only one did: a baby. Baby fever raged through me. I had not felt so much love for something in so long. I didn't even know this baby! It brought me so much joy to see her smile and laugh. Even at four months, she absolutely loved music. She had a toy cow that lit up and played music and she was absolutely entranced by it (as was I). It made me so sad to see her become frustrated or upset. It was an emotional two hours, and confusing as to why I was feeling this way about a child that had no relation to me.

We laid the baby on the ground, and each of us took turns holding this toy cow that blinked soft lights and played cute music above her. She would kick her feet and laugh and consequently drool everywhere. It was such a simple yet joyful thing to witness. This baby found so much joy in this simple toy that seemed to stimulate her brain like no other activity we did with her. It was amazing because obviously you could tell that she couldn't understand what it was singing, but she still found it so exciting (perhaps because of the tune).

As I was watching her watch the music toy and giggle and kick her feet around, I felt God tug at my heart a little bit. Suddenly, I felt like the baby, and everything wonderful that God had ever given me was this toy that this baby was so entranced by. I wasn't in control of all of it, and only He could hold it in front of me.

You see, He reminded me of something: the way I saw the baby is this is the way God sees us. We are His children. He delights in our joy and equally despises our sorrow. He loves seeing our eyes light up over the things we love, and His heart breaks when ours does too. I was thinking about how He feels as He watches us go through our daily lives and encounter the simple things. Like when we see our friends and get excited. I'm sure He gets excited too, like, "Hey, I made both of these people and they love each other enough to be excited to see one another! A beloved creation of mine loving another beloved creation of mine. How beautiful." Or when He watches us do the things we love, like listening to music. He loves to see us doing this, saying, "I made a creation creative enough to produce sounds that produce joyous emotions, and they love it! I love it too."

This baby on front of me, so simple yet so complex. She couldn't do things on her own, no matter how hard she tried. She reached and reached for toys, but until someone gave her a little boost, she couldn't grasp exactly what she was trying to take hold of. We are like the baby. Just like we hate to hear babies cry, God doesn't enjoy watching us get frustrated. He wants us to put our full trust in Him that we will get exactly what we need at exactly the right time, that the pain or discomfort is just temporary, although we can't see it. 

These are some rather mismatched thoughts that I had but wanted to share.

If you get anything from this, I hope you know that you are KNOWN & LOVED by God. It may not feel like it, but like in any relationship, sometimes you have to be the one to reach out first. He's waiting for you, but won't leave you, I promise.

And you know what? You don’t have to believe anything that I just said about God or anything beyond that. But, I need you to know that you have a place here on earth. You were created as a complex human being with beautiful things to offer this world. Your complexities aren’t a coincidence, you are here for a reason.

Sincerely yours,

S

[I created this, photos pulled from Pinterest, but the only linked source is @calliensmith on Instagram]

[cristopherworthland]

Working on his diaries with his daugher Zara. Photography by Alexandre Bailhache

[sincerelyyours--s-blog]

One of my favorite images ever. Not quite sure who this is, but I saw this on Pinterest and fell in love immediately... the layout, the warm temperature tones, the story it tells... swoon.

[hqgifhunting]

&. ( lily collins as rosie dunne gif hunt ) ;

under the cut are 243 small and medium, hq gifs of lily collins. none of these gifs are mine, full credit to the owners. likes or reblogs would be much appreciated!

Keep reading

[sincerelyyours--s-blog]

Dear reader,

I don't know if anyone will read this. I quite honestly don't care, but I need an outlet for all that I am feeling at the current day and time. I want to be able to look back at this and read what I was going through so that maybe one day everything will make sense. In the meantime, I am keeping this public in case anyone else is feeling the same way as me. Maybe it will create a community of people who thought they were alone. If not, this is good enough for me.

I have been having a difficult time pinpointing an accurate description of how my brain feels. But yesterday, as I was sitting in the car listening to the radio, I reached a stoplight, and the music I was listening to suddenly turned to static, or more-so the waves of another station were beginning to be picked up (I don't know if that's proper radio terminology, although I don't really think it matters, you get the point). I could ever-so vaguely hear the song I was originally listening to behind the static waves of this new incoherent station that was being picked up. I began to gain a sense of what my brain feels like: like something is there, maybe my old self, maybe God, trying to get through to me, and I hear them/it, but the static is just so loud. I feel the static, I hear the static, I feel like the static. I feel like in that Black Mirror episode when you block someone and all you see is their outline and a static-like blur fills it in. I feel like that blocked person.

I watched Call me by Your Name a few months ago. What a gorgeous film and beautifully written book. At the time, I was first beginning to try and work out what I was feeling (I was just really beginning to realize that my brain was not functioning quite normally or how it used to). It was 3 am, and I watched for five minutes as Elio sat in front of the fireplace, amidst life going on behind him. He just stared - all alone - at the fire and cried and even smiled a little. You didn't have to read the book or have any sort of dialogue to know what he was thinking, but you knew he was in deep, emotional thought. This was the first time I began to relate to someone myself. I won't divulge into anything, but a particular "relationship" from my past (it never became an actual relationship, which is why it is in quotes) has contributed to my state, but I do not put the blame on the person or my brain-issues wholly on the "relationship" itself either. I knew Elio was feeling very similar things to what I was. He was doing what I had begun doing. Staring. Thinking. I had never seen anyone else do that.

At the time, it felt more like there was a bubble in the front of my brain, blocking it from the rest of the (real) world. I would watch that scene of Elio sitting in front of the fire, or even think about it, and literally gag out of sadness. I had never experienced such a thing. Intense grayness. Now, intense static-ness. Which is just black and white and gray all moving every which way anyways.

I do not like throwing around the word "depressed" to casually describe a feeling, I think it's disrespectful to those who have been diagnosed with tried-and-true depression. It's not just a feeling, it's an actual medical issue. But, this has been something that a friend of mine who was actually diagnosed has posed as a possible name for what I am going through. Depression.

Here's the thing, I love solving my own problems. It's just my character. But if there's an actual chemical problem with my brain, then I have to ask for help from someone else. I resent that. I resent asking for help from others. Not because I don't like people, but because I like the satisfaction of saying I solved my own problem. Maybe it's a pride thing, who knows.

Anyways, dear reader, thank you for taking the time to read this. Maybe you feel the same way as me. Maybe you have advice? Maybe you can't relate at all, but we can still be friends. I began this blog after watching Love, Rosie, hence the profile picture. Despite her problems practically revolving solely around a relationship that is supposed to be meant to be, I could relate similarly to her hoping for things to happen, and then just... missing it. Sometimes by a hair.

And so, to parallel the title of the movie,

Sincerely yours,

S