Life Without a Manual

confessions, things I love, and other mind ramblings

[singlemumconfessions]

There is a darkness in me

That only I can see

[singlemumconfessions]

He ruins

[singlemumconfessions]

Give me reckless love, unrefined and raw. Unrehearsed, unfinished; with all the rough edges.

[singlemumconfessions]

When did she stop trying?

[singlemumconfessions]

Tell your daughters that her 'virginity' is a social construct designed to separate women into arbitrary categories of pure and impure, and in fact, does not exist as a real concept either physiologically or philosophically.

Tell her that her sexual experience or history does not define who she is or determine her value because she is inherently invaluable simply because she is.

Tell her that if a spotty face teenager says 'can I take your virginity', you tell him that her first sexual experience is not a trophy to be awarded but a privelege to be shared with someone who understands and cherishes her immense value and beauty.

Tell her that if she should find herself at 21 with zero sexual partners or 10, that it does not equate to her succeeding or failing at any measure of virtue that a patriarchal system has imposed on women for millenia.

Tell her that she is free to explore who she is in every capacity, including her sexual awakening, but that freedom is attached to the responsibility to nurture and protect her body because it is sacred.

[singlemumconfessions]

A blessing for my son

May his favour

Be upon you

And a thousand generations

And your family

And your children

And their children

And their children.

May His presence go before you

And behind you

And beside you

All around you

And within you.

He is with you. He is with you.

[singlemumconfessions]

Being the mother of a black boy is the constant struggle between taking every step to ensure success for your child, yet trying desperately not to create a sense of entitlement and complacency.

It's the constant struggle of instilling in him the confidence to know that he has the world at his fingertips and unlimited potential... And still preparing him for the inevitable backdrop of discrimination and racial bias.

[singlemumconfessions]

What does depression and anxiety look like?

It looks like you showing up for the essentials... Work, making lunch for your child, paying your bills on time, and neglecting to look after yourself. So your body starts to rebel... You lose weight, your skin dries out, you break out in spots, your nails chip. You don't care. You see yourself in the mirror and you look horrendous. You continue on and it doesn't matter. You get invited to things, to socialise with people... You agree to go then cancel at the last moment. You sleep during the day and stay up in the night... You panic about the next day and the day after that and the day after that. You get up and get on with it anyhow. You fill your day with pursuits and throw yourself in a new hobby. You convince yourself you're better, then one painful memory will plunge you into the sinkhole of dark thoughts and empty hollowness.

It's exhausting to be. Being is hard.

[singlemumconfessions]

Wow.

Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,

and has shed his own blood for my soul.

[rachelmellema]

[singlemumconfessions]

When you have had to navigate the subtleties of racism in the sly comments at the tea point, the backhanded 'compliments' about your deviation from the black stereotype that has been painted by decades of propaganda that depicts black as synonymous with negativity, the suspicion of your neighbours whose wondering looks remind you that you don't belong, the heavy handedness of education providers on your black children for simply being children... When this is your lived experience, you can participate in a discussion around the necessity of the protests and the existence of racism in the United Kingdom. If you have read this post and felt all of this is an alien reality and are tempted to doubt its legitimacy, then you are proof of the privelege that has been afforded to you by a system that perpetuates white supremacy and maintains disadvantage towards members of the black and minority ethnic community across education, health, politics, business and the justice system. And whilst this injustice is not your fault, you are not exempt from the privilege that is yours purely based on the colour of your skin. And whilst there is undoubtedly disadvantage across all races, including the White British community, it does not change the fact that a white person will be given preferential treatment in the interview room, in the court house, in the hospital bed, in the supermarket aisles, in comparison with a black person in identical circumstances.

#blacklivesmatter

[singlemumconfessions]

When one chapter ends, another begins.

Embrace the beauty of change as you watch yourself evolve.

Do not fear the sorrow of goodbye, or the uncertainty of hello.

Give yourself the chance to experience the fullness of the love that's all about you. Open your arms and take it all in.

Breathe in the moments that give you life. Exhale kindness and peace.

Trust that the path, though winding, has mountains peaks just ahead, and pause to spot the rosebush among the thorns.

[faithhub]

“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”

— C.S. Lewis

[singlemumconfessions]

This, do often...

Remind yourself that you are a Queen, than you have achieved great things that no one else ever could. That you effected change in this wonderful universe that only you could. That you are a miracle, incredible, in all your ways. That you deserve beauty and love and unfiltered joy. That you are a masterpiece, a phenomenal woman - ever evolving and yet perfect in the now.

[quotemadness]

“I need to learn how to stop destroying myself, stop being hard on myself, and be nice to myself.”

— Daul Kim (via quotemadness)

[singlemumconfessions]

Imposter syndrome

Feeling inadequate, as though you can never ever truly be good enough, seems to be an automatic lifetime subscription that you failed to opt out of when you become an adult, so now you're stuck. At what point did I even become an adult? There's so much deception about what the perks are.

It'll come like a thief in the night, it'll hit you when you least expect it, and when you most expect it. When you have had your worst mum day. When you can't get one thing right. Or when you've had your best mum day - just to balance the universe a bit, I guess.

You start to mull over all the times you missed an opportunity to be loving, patient, kind, graceful... You wonder how and at what stage does it start to come naturally. I can't seem to keep up with the demands on my person. To perform at work, to make good grades in my studies, to keep my body healthy and my skin clear, to have a clean house, to have a good credit score, to be a praying woman, to be an available friend, a loving daughter and a soul mate to my partner...

How?

In 24 hours, how can I possibly achieve that? It's quite literally, an impossibility. And so now I've almost completely resigned to accepting the cold, harsh reality that - I cannot be and do it all well, and in order to make it through the day without an anxiety attack, I must also accept the natural extension of that truth, which is, people very rarely ever die from mediocrity.

[singlemumconfessions]

You can have it all... Maybe not all at once; maybe in stages. But you can have it all.