The curious case of consent
I was catching up some time back with a good friend who was studying in India’s most prestigious medical programme, and had been doing rounds in hospitals as a student intern.
Eager for gossip, I asked her what life as an intern doctor was like.
She excitedly described her days - filled with pregnancies, common diseases, complaints, patients and so much more. And then she turned to me and asked - “Guess what the most common medical procedure we do is?”
“What is it? Abortions? Stomach pumping?”, I asked. I had guessed either unwanted pregnancies or the food poisoning people get from eating contaminated food.
“”No”, she said, laughing. “Reattaching cut up blood vessels from suicide attempts. The number of teenagers who watch some movies, think they have fallen in love and the world will end if they’re not together is too many. It’s even become a running joke among us doctors now.
These guys try to corner girls into accepting them by doing drastic things like slashing their wrists, and then we stitch them back up and send them home” she finished with an eye-roll.
"Well, if a diplomat says yes, he means maybe. If he says maybe, he means no. And if he says no, he's no diplomat,"
"And if a lady says no, she means maybe. And if she says maybe, she means yes. And if she says yes, she's no lady.”
- Warren Buffet.
Don’t take no for an answer.
This is not just business wisdom, my dears. It is one of the single most potent instructions hammered into any boy or man’s head as soon as he begins to think a little for himself.
Need extra marks? Nag the teachers.
Don’t take no for an answer.
Need to go on a trip with your bros? Play shuttle between Ma and Pa, and maybe involve the doting grandparents.
Don’t take no for an answer.
Want a superbike for college and the latest iphone? Play doting son and nag your way into purchases your parents can’t afford
Don’t take no for an answer.
Think that pretty girl is your type? Ask her out. When she says no, she’s playing shy. Ask her again, this time with a grand gesture. Get your mates to work her friend group, find out all her personal details and coax her until her answer changes.
Don’t take no for an answer.
She’s still saying no? Follow her around and flood her with love letters, gifts and unwanted attention. Write her songs and Perhaps a letter written in blood, or a suicide threat may help.
Don’t take no for an answer.
This message is everywhere. While girls are taught to excel from a young age, guys are simply taught one thing - persistence. Enough persistence and effort can change an answer to make it what you want. 80% of romantic movies push this narrative, and end up being hero worshipped.
And there are three ways guys learn to pull that off.
Sheer, brute force, or violence as you call it. Starting from tantrums at home, to fights in the neighbourhood, domestic violence until absolute obedience or compliance is reached, or even starting wars, the goal is brute force until compliance is reached.
It is what makes special forces formidable, and what makes violent households unstable. Nations with a long history of violence are not provoked, and instead placated with gifts to ensure no aggression. Schoolmates avoid the bully until they no longer can. Abused partners endure and submit until they are no longer able. Contracts, laws, treaties and social norms mean nothing in the face of brute force.
The second is negotiation and manipulation.
The target is studied, often through bribes, manipulation, gaining the support of their peers and friends, exchanging info, and a mixture of carrot and stick, perks and threat. Eventually cornering them into saying a yes.
When popular people coerce the not-so socially adept into doing their bidding, bosses with employees, older family members with younger, even romantic couples with a significant power distance between them (wealth, class, education… etc) or corporations that buy out startups, and countries that colonise.
Many arranged marriages close at a negotiation table between the families, with the couple themselves coming into the picture after the elders have sorted their terms out. The couple in all their naivete put their hopes and dreams together having no knowledge of the deals the families have reached behind their backs.
This is the most insidious of them all. From “attracting” partners of a certain type, breaking down their defenses, using their desire or working on their vulnerabilities against them and under the influence of an impaired judgement, subduing and gaining consent. Guys who seduce are glorified, and their stories immortalised. Women mistake the chase for genuine interest, and mistake romantic seduction for love.
Courses and training programmes ABOUND on the internet teaching men “how to be irresistible”, how to “Spot a high value woman” and “how to ALWAYS get the girl”. And most of this training teaches them to work around their target’s weaknesses, to ensure they always get YES for an answer.
Do a google search, I dare you.
This is a never-failing trope that women fall for. The chase is mistaken for genuine interest and invested effort. What they often fail to realise is that this Knight in Shining armour is an incubus, not a Knight and most certainly not a trustworthy long-term commitment.
When the guy has gotten his fill, the ‘relationship’ begins to fall apart, and women are often left wondering what went wrong.
Most women do not know any better. We’ve have been taught to “be nice” since childhood.
When that creepy uncle who comes visiting asks you “beta, dance for me”, and you don’t want to, you’re admonished until you’re arm twisted into it.
Saying no as a child comes with consequences and punishments, and girls quickly learn that the only allowed answer is YES, even if they mean no or maybe.
And this compliance is rewarded with material gifts - Saying YES to music and dance though you probably wanted to learn Karate grants you a new phone or clothes or fancy gift. Maintaining long hair even though you probably wanted a short bob, from complying with tradition, to pressure from the neighbourhood going “what a good girl she is, better than my child” to punishment at the slightest sign of non-compliance.
Being physically smaller built, socially outnumbered, monetarily powerless and forced into a box of niceness, it is no question that women are rewarded for going against their better judgement and accepting what comes their way.
“She has a voice”, “She’s certainly opinionated, eh?”, “ why is she so stubborn?” are common degrading statements many girls have to deal with.
When women have been taught to go against their judgement all their lives, when do they finally learn to rely on it?
Good judgement is cultivated. It is a muscle to be trained in the face of ever-changing circumstances. When girls are rarely given the option of exercising any kind of judgemement in daily lives, how do they build this muscle?
As girls reach adulthood and eventually gain a modicum of supposed independence, they’re suddenly faced with the option of saying no, which more than 20 years of conditioning have trained them not to.
Which is why the NO never comes out strongly. It comes out as a question mark, indecisive, unsure, and quick to change when circumstances present an alternative.
Women don’t mean what they say, is a consequence of this conditioning.
This is exactly why a massive percentage of rape cases even in intimate relationships never get reported - because women believe they gave consent even though it was the result of seduction, coercion, impaired judgement or vulnerability. But there is a constant ring in the back of their minds that they cannot ignore - which reminds them they never really wanted to have sex in the first place.
The principle of consent implies that equal weightage to dissent exists. That a NO means just as much as a YES.
But in reality, YES and NO have different weightages in different situations.
When a YES is rewarded and a NO is punished, despite all better judgement, for the sake of survival the obvious answer becomes YES.
A YES may mean a reward at home for a child, while a NO may mean no gifts and a punishment once uncles and aunties go home.
A YES may mean teachers favouring you and easing up on assessing your submissions, or recommending you to opportunities while a NO may bring down grades or result in a complaint or a bad parent teacher report. It can also result in being termed arrogant, not being considered for olympiads or contests and loss of opportunity and reference.
A YES can result in clothes, jewellery, makeup, brand-name gifts and money, while a NO can cut you off socially, result in verbal abuse, social isolation and mental pressure.
A YES can result in an orgasm if you’re lucky, while a NO might lead to anything from a ruined reputation to assault, to violent rape and so much more.
The aftermath of a suicide attempt, like my friend discussed, by a “love-lorn” guy usually leads to violence against the girl refusing him, social isolation, stalking and bullying until the NO becomes a YES.
When YES and NO have differing consequences, consent has no meaning. Survival tends to take priority.
So as adult women, how do you counter this in your own lives? If you are to give wholehearted, genuine consent, your dissent needs to have the same wholehearted, genuine weightage too. And this is not just YOUR problem, it also is something you train the people around you to accept.
The answer lies in a little bit of discipline and personal integrity.
Don’t say YES when you want to say NO. Sounds simple, isn’t it? It is simple, but not easy.
Here’s the benchmark for women.
If it is not a 100%, wholehearted YES, and if it is a YES that changes with circumstances, when you’re vulnerable, sad, hungry, happy, etc, then it is a NO. If under any other circumstance, the answer is NO, then it is a NO>
If it is not a HELL YESSSSSSS under all circumstances, it is a NO.
If you weren’t at a low point and needed a shoulder to cry on, would you say YES to this guy?
If you wouldn’t voluntarily walk up to someone and initiate this interaction yourself, would you say YES to this exchange?
If the terms of the negotiation came from you, would your answer be the same? What would you change?
If you weren’t concerned for safety, or not intimidated by size, difference in weight or the number of people, would your answer be YES?
I repeat, if it is not a HELL YESSSSSSS under all circumstances, it is a NO.
First, you have to train yourself to say no.
Even DOGS recognize NO, and will go against every instinct to respect the boundary.
Start with the easiest places - shopping and socializing.
If you’re thinking of buying something, and it’s a maybe, the answer is NO. Stick to it, and train your brain to respect your NO.
Move to a different aisle or choose something else.
If your friends, partner or roommates are ordering food, and you didn’t want it initially, do NOT go join them when the food arrives. Get yourself something else to occupy your attention with. If everyone is eating ice cream, get yourself a coffee if you’re still hungry, but avoid the pizza you already refused. Stick to your NO.
Training yourself to respect NO, means training your desires and temptations too. It makes you a lot less vulnerable to negotiation, manipulation and seduction. It makes you un-fuckwithable.
Even in a situation when some proposition is placed before you,
Ask yourself, is this something I would positively JUMP at doing? Even the slightest bit of hesitation is a NO. Don’t accept friends CONVINCING you, or anything like that.
Offer ZERO explanations. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT justify your decision.
If it is a professional context, be a little more polite, and say, NO thank you.
Make eye contact, and do not break it.
If they ask for reasons, etc. don’t give them. Just repeat your answer. NO is a complete sentence.
Guys tend to question a woman’s no.
So instead of explaining yourself, go on the offensive instead.
“I think you understand the meaning of the word NO, correct?”
“NO, NIET, Nathi, Nahin, Nakko…. Capishe?”
“No" usually indicates a lack of interest or a refusal. Do you need a dictionary?”
Some enthusiastic folks follow this up with “You see, my father/boss/mentor/toxic male figure taught me never to accept NO for an answer…”
“Your answer is, well, Johnny, they’re either wrong, or just admitted to being a rapist, which is it?”
“It’s a NO”, and finish with a smile.
The problem with men not fearing a woman’s no is usually a woman’s fear of escalating.
So do exactly that. Train people that there are consequences to ignoring your NO.
Be a KAREN and bring the house down. Throw the tantrum and make things as awkward as it can get.
It is not your responsibility to maintain peace.
It is your responsibility to uphold both consent and dissent.
Yoru friends will begin to question you, as will partners and family. They’ll say you’ve changed.
But a few episodes of conflict or tantrum will usually train them to accept that when you say NO, you mean it. Remain stoic and stick to your no in the face of threats, coaxing and bombardment.
They’re learning the hard way that you won’t comply for the sake of keeping peace, that your opinions, your consent and your word means something.
And when that happens, a YES from you becomes genuine and valuable.
Teach yourself to say NO when you mean it, and a HELL YESS when you mean it.
Your life will become infinitely more genuine and authentic.
