As a long-time sufferer of very strong depression and anxiety disorders, you can imagine how hard it is for me to accomplish anything. From over-analyzing anything I do once I step out of my house, to having trouble even leaving at all most days. I am a very difficult person to tolerate. I know I shouldn’t blame my disorders for my problems or let them take control of my life, but if you have either of these, you know how unlikely that is.
I’m not quite sure where all of these disorders started, but I do know that they have been manifesting themselves more and more each day. It’s to the point where I am hardly sleeping, am constantly either breaking plans or just not making them at all, to even leaving work early because I can’t handle anything. The smallest amount of bad news will make me want to lock myself in my room for days on end.
But one of the most important things that has happened to me recently is I found myself a girlfriend. And not just any girlfriend, but one who understands what it is I am going through and accepts me exactly how I am and this is extremely important to me. There is no one I appreciate as much as her for willingly putting up with my constant over-thinking turning into near paranoia and my manic mood swings. She is the one person who has constantly encouraged me to take whichever steps I think are necessary into getting better and even when I feel completely broken and fucked in the head, she reminds me that she fell in love with me for exactly the person that I am.
I never understood how a person could love someone who didn’t love themselves. I was always told that until I learned to love myself, that I could never fully accept another person’s love. This kept me from even trying for a while. It always seemed that the people who told me that things would get better someday were the ones who made me feel worse. I even wrote a one-line song about it. (”’If the sun sets, it has to rise again.’ Isn’t that what you said?”) But somehow I was lucky enough to find the one person who looked past the things I considered bad parts of me.
Now, I don’t want to jinx this relationship at all by saying so much good about it, but I think this is a very necessary post.
I have spent years feeling absolutely miserable. In fact, I got comfortable in my misery and just accepted that it was part of my personality and surrounded myself with miserable songs and movies and books because I related to them more than anything else. I was even afraid to change myself at one point because then all these things I surrounded myself with would have no meaning anymore and I was scared I’d have to start over completely with my interests. Shallow, I know.
I’ve had days where my own mother has called to check on me because she was afraid that was the day I was going to kill myself. I’ve had nights where I drove myself to the parking lot of mental care facilities because I was afraid for my own well-being. I’ve spent a good chunk of my life wishing I was dead. It felt like every day was just a waste. I had nothing to be proud of. Nothing to get me through each day. Every day was a struggle.
This brings me back to the appreciation of my girlfriend. I’ve had my fair share of love interests in the past. But not like this. None of them had ever done things just to make me feel good. Most of them gave up on trying to get me out of my room when it seemed impossible. If you suffer from either of these disorders, it is a fucking miracle to find someone strong enough to deal with you. I can’t make phone calls on my own. I try to go to parties but I either have a panic attack before going in, or once I get surrounded by people, I get unbelievably anxious and need to step away for 5 minutes. And let me tell you how great it is to be with somebody who understands all of this. Yes, she does get very frustrated and upset with me, but I expect that because I would feel that way too if we were going to just hang out with a few friends and my significant other suffered an anxiety disorder and panicked before going into a strange house. That’s what makes it so easy to forgive her for getting frustrated with me is that I’m also upset with myself for acting this way. I feel like an adult baby anytime I go into public. I need to hold her hand and I need to do things exactly how I want to do them or I get confused and frustrated and I need to always know exactly where the bathroom is even if I don’t use it. I am a child that needs to be looked after at the age of 25.
I’m currently in therapy and am on a couple different prescriptions to try and fix all my shit and get everything in my head balanced out. Unfortunately, I never get things 100% off my chest at therapy, and that leaves me feeling anxious for the rest of the evening and sometimes that anxiety leaves me very short-fused. I lash out at those around me until I find some sort of release. I push everyone away and then I wonder why no one is ever there for me.
But one thing that’s always good to hear is when my girlfriend tells me she is proud of me. Even when I leave a session feeling broken and anxious and miserable that I’m depressed for reasons beyond my control, she always pops in to say she’s proud of me for being strong enough to admit I have a problem and to seek help before it gets too bad.
Yes, my parents do what they can to help me, but it’s hard to make someone feel better when you have helped create some of their anxiety and depression. I in no way hold my parents responsible for any of my disorders. But, they have definitely been directly related to stressors leading to the creation of these disorders or whatever you want to call them.
So, I want to tell her thank you. I try to do this every day in every single way I can, but it never feels enough. Sure, there are things she does that may trigger my anxiety, but I never blame her for when I feel that way because one of the most important things I’ve learned to do is to not blame others for the way that I feel. And honestly, I don’t even blame myself anymore. There is a chemical imbalance inside of me that I cannot control. Sometimes that helps me feel better, and sometimes it makes me feel worse. Because feeling like you aren’t in control of anything, including your own feelings, is a very hard thing to accept.
So, first off, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I keep you indoors a lot and that I panic whenever we go to a party or any function with other people. I’m sorry that I call you at 4 AM when I haven’t slept in a couple of days because the Zzzquil just isn’t working anymore. I’m sorry that I get paranoid and constantly think you are going to leave me and let my condition take over my life. I’m sorry I constantly need reassurance and always feel like I am doing an awful job at loving you and being a boyfriend. I’m sorry that I’ve made my mistakes in the past and that I can’t let go of bad things and that I can’t accept things the way that they are sometimes. I’m sorry for needing you every night because as soon as I am home and in my room, I’m back to my same miserable self. I’m sorry that I feel that I need prescriptions to even leave my bed or house any given day of the week. I’m sorry for all of the things that I put your through. I’m sorry that my head is messier than my bedroom.
But also, thank you, Raquel. Thank you for getting me out of the house and making me face my fears by being in social situations or even just walking around outside and getting fresh air. Thank you for listening to my 6:34 AM voicemails and for coming up with new and interesting ways to help me fall asleep and stay asleep. Thank you for reminding me every day that no one is against my like I think they are and that you aren’t going to leave me and that I’m not the worst boyfriend/person in the entire world. Thank you for forgiving me for the mistakes I’ve made and helping me learn to forgive you and others and not blow things completely out of proportion like I’m known to do. Thank you for always being there for me, whether it’s physically, or a simple phone call or text to let me know that you are thinking of me. Thank you for reminding me that I don’t need medication to function normally in the world, but that if I feel I truly need it, then that’s okay. Thank you for always sticking by my side.
I am very happy to be with you, so also thank you for understanding that my depression does not mean that I am not happy with you. Sometimes the dark outweighs the light.
This is not meant to be an inspiring letter to anyone also suffering from manic depression along with generalized and social anxiety. I am not in any way saying that if you don’t have someone like this, then you’re not going to get better. This is just me writing about the one most positive influence I have had in my life.
I love you, Raquel. Thank you for showing me that there is a brighter side to life. I can only hope that you’re always by my side to remind me that the brighter side exists when things get too dark for me. You’re an amazing person. Don’t ever change.
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