A blog dedicated to my abuse, how these monsters only contributed to it when I thought we were friends, healing myself, and the occasional vent. No mercy for abusers or their apologists.
To who it may concern in the inside job fandom, I beg of you to stay away from tumblr users laneysmusings, outismm, radioactivebowtie, and flyingspicerack
Let me give some backstory.
Growing up I was abused by my father. Nothing I did was ever good enough for him. Everything I did was either “gross” or “weird” and I specifically remember a time he scratched me hard enough to draw blood. I was only about 12 at the time. He did it to “teach me a lesson.” Every time I tried to stand up for myself I was “manipulating him.” This went on until I was no longer legally required to visit him at 18. I no longer speak to him.
Another thing about me: I’m a suicide attempt survivor. I was severly depressed in middle school. I cut myself in secret where no one would see and tried to take too many pills to just end the eternal loneness. I was afterwards officially diagnosed and have been on antidepressants ever since, which have seriously saved my life.
This is where sin-sidejob comes in. I have had the very displeasure of getting to know her. I thought we were friends. I made a stupid mistake and said some stupid things. I was drunk and I regret it more than anything, but it was a dumb, ignorant, uneducated opinion I have since learned more about and changed my thoughts on. I have since learned and grown as a person, something I’ve always believed in.
This was not enough for sin-sidejob or the others in her discord: outismm aka cognitosclowns, yokiidokii aka radioactivebowtie, and flyingspicerack. She sent me a long, nasty final message including “what the others wanted me to pass along to you” before blocking me. I wanted to talk things out. I never got that chance.
I really don’t want to get into what it said as it was very triggering for me, but one thing she did was call me manipulative. Just like my father. She said other horrible things, such as calling me a conservative fox news supporter despite the fact I’m a non-binary bisexual. And she knew that.
Her behavior is disgusting to me. She has been a terrible person and I was so scared to make this post I made this totally separate account with a separate email just to make this post just because I know she has a large follower count and I’m terrified of facing even more abuse. I am also very, very scared of receiving hate from her army of fools: @/cognitosclowns aka @/outismm, @/flyingspicerack, and @/radioactiebowtie aka @/yokii-dokii. It is also important to know that she and these other 3 went though my blog just to drag up posts from years ago, back when I was a teenager, and used those years old posts to justify their words. Keep in mind these posts were multiple years old.
The things she said to me, a suicide and abuse survivor, is honestly sickening. I am not telling anyone what to do, but I do recommend you stay far, far away from her. I only mean this post to be a heavy warning, nothing more.
Thank you all for reading and stay safe out there. ❤️
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(on the off chance anyone out there thinks I am making this up or lying for whatever reason, I have screenshots. I have proof. I have saved everything and I am more than happy to share it all with those who also want to be abuse apologists)
Lately I’ve been thinking about how casual cruelty has become online. The small, unnecessary meanness that seeps into replies, tags, or jokes at someone’s expense. The kind that makes you sit back and think, you’d never say that to me if we were face to face. And this is before I even touch on the anon hate I see all the time (not just to me, but other bloggers too).
I think a lot of it comes from forgetting that the people we interact with here are real. It’s easy to see a username, a post, or a sentence and forget there’s a human being on the other side of it. Someone who’s tired. Someone who’s trying. Someone who might already be hurting before you decided to get clever in their tags. Someone who is just struggling to get by day to day.
The internet gives us distance and not just physical, but also emotional. You don’t see someone’s expression when your words land. You don’t hear their tone or their breath catch before they answer. You don’t see the way their eyes may tear up, or how shaky they might get. You don’t get to see how they react when they get that sinking feeling in their stomach. It’s just text on a screen. That distance makes it easy to treat people like concepts instead of people.
And then there’s the performance side of it. So much cruelty isn’t about genuine anger. It’s about trying to look sharp, funny, or insightful for an audience. Everyone wants to be the one with the perfect ‘gotcha’ comment, the snappiest comeback, the most quotable ‘burn’. But often these come at the expense of the person the comment is directed at.
I know I can’t just change anyone, and I don’t really know what the point of this post is. But I’m having a lot of feelings about this right now and I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.
The following tumblr users are responsible for my suicide attempt. I met them at a time where I was incredibly isolated and lonely and when it all ended my already dark mental place from being lonely and isolated massively grew in size. What makes it even worse is these were the first “friends” I had had in a very, very long time, so it felt like being locked back in the dark after finally seeing just a sliver of light. I tried to leave peacefully and told them if they ever still wanted to talk to me again my door would always be open to them. Instead I got sent the most hateful, horrible, cruel “goodbye” private messages. These monsters do not belong in the selfship/yumeship community, they don’t belong in ANY community after showing me their true colors. These users are:
As you can tell, most of them have more than one blog. They may have more but these are the ones I have been made aware of.
Please please please, I beg of you all, ice them out. Do not welcome them anywhere. Let them be forced to live in their 4 person echo chamber because they have nowhere else to go. If you follow any of these people and think they are your friend I thought so as well so I can tell you firsthand: no you are not and you need to fucking run.
Stay away from these people, I don’t want anybody else to be put into the same dark mental place they put me in.
(If you need more info please read my pinned and feel free to scroll my blog)
My cyber abuser and person who put me in such a horrible mental place I attempted suicide has either made a new blog or changed it entirely in what I can only assume is a pathetic attempt to not be found out. Thankfully, someone who actually knows right from wrong reached out to let me know about it. sin-sidejob aka laneysmusings new blog is @/electricserenade
Stay away from this person. She is a manipulative gaslighter puritan who often told the people in her discord who they could and could not reblog from. Oh yeah, and she sent a "goodbye" message so awful it lead to my suicide attempt and then deleted her discord in a sad attempt to erase history, not knowing I have screenshots. Unable to forget about that one.
Whatever you do I beg of you not to interact with this person. She is so manipulative and slippery it makes her a danger to everyone around her.
parents will treat their mentally disabled adult children like a worthless dumb toddler and then get upset when their child who was sheltered their whole life because of them, doesn't have the proper maturity they wanted.
i wish it was that easy and that the world was made out of pudding and candy but when you've essentially been taught absolutely nothing about life + fearmongered about leaving home + have no real place to stay, especially one that's affordable then no. it's not easy.
pro tip: innocent people don't generally delete the chat logs that prove their innocence
(this is about how the subject of this blog deleted her discord after my attempt to try to hide what she had said to me, not knowing I have screenshots)
To who it may concern: this person is part of the small group of 4 people responsible for my suicide attempt. This person keeps making blogs and I can not escape them. Please please please stay away from this person and anyone they might call a “friend” as well. They are not your friend. They are nobody’s friend.
Anyone who makes spreadsheets and Google docs listing everything problematic a person has done is an instant red flag. I don’t fucking care who the person is.
Do you guys have any idea how much your words affect people?
Do you guys have any idea how much your accusations and “evidence” destroys people?
Do you guys even fucking care that you’ve led creators and honest people to suicide?
One of my abusers outismm aka cognitosclowns has a new blog!!
Stay away from this person. They seem friendly and fun that is how they will get you. They are a fandom puritan who will turn on you the very second you do something they personally deem as “wrong.”
This person, along with tumblr users lanyesmusing aka sin-sidejob, yokiidokii aka rdioactivebowtie, and flyingspicerack caused a mental break and suicide attempt with the things they said to me.
I don't think I ever shared it but here is my responce to the hateful "goodbye" message tumblr user laneysmusings aka sin-sidejob sent me. I'll put it under the cut because it is almost as long as hers was. Also yes it was a very late responce, but please remember that is because I was in a mental care facility for a while and then after that greatly toned down my internet use to stay in a better mental place.
One thing I do want to point out though, is that I don't even think she read a single word of it because this is what I got after literally pouring my heart out and telling my story:
Just as heartless as ever I see.
And finally, my response (Yes, everything here is true. Yes this really was my childhood. Yes she and her goonies really did report my old main blog until tumblr deleted it. And no this bitch has STILL not paid me back for the bracelet I handmade her even all these years later):
Laney, First off, good job on getting my tumblr terminated. 10+ years of memories are completely gone and I know you and/or the others are somehow responsible. Don’t even *try* to lie about otherwise, I know it was at least one of you four. Congrats on making me lose the blog I’ve had since middle school and forcing me to remake. I applaud you. Really. (🖕) Ok, now for the actually important stuff. I have had a long, long time to think things over and I feel like it’s my turn to say my piece at last. I have a feeling you may not read this at all, but I can only hope you do because what I’m about to tell you will probably explain a lot. You clearly either don’t know and/or don’t care about how your words effect others, so let me explain it to you, I was born with my intestine outside my body. The first thing that happened after my birth was a surgery. I wasn’t held, there was no cozy bonding time. My world was dark and cold from moment one. After that came liver failure from the meds they were pumping into me to keep me alive. I was jaundiced and my mother once told me that as she was changing my diaper at 11 months old I started bleeding from everywhere and she ran with me, barefoot, to the hospital where they determined I was in such critical condition I was shot to the top of the transplant list. I had my double organ transplant at only 11 months old. After that it was several smaller surgeries up until I was 4. I was practically raised in the hospital for the first 4 years of my life. Being raised like that you never learn how to socialize. The first feeling I ever learned to feel was shame. I can recall 1st grade teachers making commentary on my gas from my medical issue. I can recall loosing friends because I was “too stinky.” I can recall *my own mother* once telling me “if you fart you will ruin my whole day.” I never learned how to make friends, at least not any that would stay. Either the medical issues or my autism always drove them away. I had a couple of other medical scares in my teen and adult years as well that only added to having no friends. I know you probably don’t care about that though, because you come across as someone who has always had a ton of friends and people like you rarely have any sympathy for people like me. And that brings me to my next topic: your projection. When I joined your discord group I was ecstatic. I hadn’t had any friends since the 8th grade when the billing got so bad I had plans to OD. I was so incredibly happy. I felt like I finally had my circle, that I had finally *finally* found a place where I belonged. I was and still am so desperate for friendship, for human connection, that will do something I totally loathe if it means the people I care about are happy. I believe in talking things out because anytime I even feel like someone I love is slight annoyed it sends me into a spiral of “I fucked up, they hate me now, I’m going to lose them.” I can’t recall who in the shadow counsel said it, I think all of you, but I do remember saying I believe in at least *trying* to talk things out. And you all agreed. And then you went back on your word. I tried being the bigger person. I admitted wrongdoing and left the group of my own accord. I hoped and hoped and *hoped* that if any of you *did* reach out it would be, as everyone had *said* they agreed with, to talk things out.
Instead I got some of the most nasty words I’ve ever received in my life. Words that put me back in the dark place I was in in 8th grade where somehow over the summer there was apparently some unspoken agreement that nobody would even *look* at the medical freak. It got so bad I remember looking up the best ways to kill myself because if everyone hated me *that* much it must be true, right? You alone put me back in that place. I fell asleep crying for *weeks* after what happened because once again I had no one. Friendship has *never* been easy for me, not that you would have any idea what it’s like. Or care at all. My sister tried to console me after by saying “she’s just projecting” and at the time I didn’t believe it, but now that I’ve had all this time away from you and the others I have realized it’s true. If I’m “the princess who riled the people up and then hides behind her castle walls” then *you* are the manipulative evil queen who is only charming so nobody can see your true colors. But you slipped up and showed them to me. You said I come across as someone who secretly watches Fox News? More projection. Only people like you, who don’t care about disabled people or furthering their trauma, secretly watch Fox News. Where else would you be getting your hate for us from? And not trusting doctors? That should have been my first MAGA red flag right there. Hell, hearing about how you live and were raised around guns should have been the very first thing that tipped me off. But you are good at manipulation and being crafty and you hid it well, I will give you that. As for “singling anise out” I never did. Genuinely, honestly, hand over my heart, I just never talked to them as much is all. I never felt as close with them as you or the other two. It still eats away at me that they felt ignored. I still feel bad about it to this day. I never ever meant to make anise feel like that even slightly.
Not that you would ever know what that feels like. You very much give off the vibes of *”spoiled rich kid who never left their spoiled bubble and is shocked and horrified at everyone “below” you.”* Sure I was raised in a bubble too, but mine was different. Mine made me never ever want anyone to experience the horrors I have gone through, both medical wise and bullying wise. Yours turned you into the kind of snake that made my growing up a living hell. I’d like to thank you, really, for being no better than the asshole who said *to my face* “everyone would be happier if you just killed yourself.” In fact, I’m honestly surprised you never said it in your final message. Now that I actually know the real you, you seem the type. I made a sideblog after everything just as a place to vent. I haven’t used it in a *loooooong* ass time but it’s still up and I hope that people see it and hate you just as much as I do now. Finally, I’d like to share one final thing: I found someone. A real person who loves me and dotes on me and is the first person in my entire life to actually make me feel wanted instead of discarded trash, makes me feel loved instead of hated. His name is Jay and on our fist date he brought me a homemade cupcake and we watched Saw and we have been crazy about each other ever since. I’ve told him everything about me, the good, the bad, and the even worse and I was *petrified* he would pull a laney, but he didn’t. He loves and adores me anyways. I’ve never felt this self confident or had *any* self worth like this. Hell, I even told him about what happened w/the shadow counsel and let him read all the messages, mine and all the others, and while he doesn’t agree that I was in the right he, unlike you, gently and calmly and kindly explained why. And then proceeded to get absolutely *furious* when he read yours, especially after knowing about all the medical trauma and bullying related PTSD. He said something along the lines about how you only added to it, and it didn’t even hit me until then that it was true. You did. You did without me even realizing it. I guess you can add master gaslighter into your list of skills. Of course I still self ship as it’s fun and I’ve been doing it since childhood, but now I can find solace in knowing that’s the only relationship you will ever have. I found someone who actually loves me. Who wants to *marry* me. I self ship because it’s fun but now I can see you do it because you know you are unloveable. You have to imagine fake people being in love with you because you know deep down you are rotted. Hell, you might not even be the fake peoples type! But you have to pretend you are for any form of love because you know if you said any of the shit you said to me to a real persons face they would punch you in yours.
The ***real*** first red flag should have been when you said the dirty, sleazy, conman CEO was just your type. Of course he is! Two peas in a pod you two. A pod of stuck up rich kids who pretend they are open minded because to say otherwise would mean social backlash and no no no we can’t have that! We must be loved at all times by everyone! Too late for that. I’ve seen the real you. Have fun with your future MAGA husband and all the kids I already feel sorry for because if you’re willing to be that nasty to someone online I can only imagine how you would mentally abuse a kid. Either that or you’ll become some rich asshole’s trophy wife and and the very definition of the evil stepmother trope to his kids from his last 3 failed marriages. Have fun thinking you’re somehow different. Go ahead and share this with everyone, I don’t care. In fact, I can’t *wait* to see how you twist this one. How is laney going to attempt at making herself look good after furthering the bulling related PTSD of a transplant survivor who flatlined on 2 separate occasions and who never had friends because of its after affects? I can’t wait to find out! How exciting! Of course, you and your kind of people always at least attempt it. I mean, just look at trump right now. Now you can be just like your hero! Reply to this all you want. Be as nasty in your reply as you want, if you reply at all. This is not mean. This right here is not bullying. This is me standing up for myself for the very first time in my ***entire life*** because I have someone now. Someone in my corner that, unlike you, I never had to be manipulative to to get them to love me. Unlike you and all of your so-called relationships, I have been nothing but 100% honest with him and it’s only made us closer. Once again, I take great joy in knowing that now that your true colors have been shown this is something you will only ever have in your head. And I think you know it too, which also makes me happy.
In the case of the whole anti-theft bull, that is because I had a crappy highschool job at Walmart. I sometimes took the small chip snack bags by the checkout during break. I thought I was allowed to but I was wrong and while I was never arrested I did get into some legal trouble. The whole thing was so traumatizing and scary for me because I was only 16 years old that it “scared me straight” so of *course* it would make me very much against it. I’m so sorry your brain is too small to even *consider* when you wrote your final message. That must be such a terrible way to live :(. See, unlike you, my sheltered upbringing means I know all too well what it’s like to be treated as a second class citizen, even at times like an animal. Something a rich abled body person like you could never even begin to comprehend. If I remember correctly you said something about how I don’t respect pronouns and/or nb people? Once again: projection. I myself am a bisexual nb, but did you ever ask? No. You called me she and I let you because, as previously stated, I would go through hell to make the people in my circle happy. But I should really submit that screenshot to the conservative self owns account. I think it fits, don’t you? What really makes me sad is that I thought I had finally found a home. I finally had friends for the first time in *years*. “Friends” who all agreed that talking things out was always the best option only to……not. And a part of me will stay forever angry at the fact that I left of my own accord with an olive branch extended but you you chased after me just to make me feel like shit after 24 years of only feeling that way. You’re *such* a good person. Really. 🙄
You may be queen cunt of the bitch brigade, but karma is the royal advisor planing to assassinate you soon. Anything bad that happens to you you fully deserve for the way you treated a mentally ill traumatic surgery survivor with tons of bullying related PTSD already. I can only hope that if you or someone you love ever experiences organ failure maybe you will finally have a heart. Your fall will come and when it does I will throw a party to celebrate. Have the life you deserve. 🖕
P.S. I am currently in the hospital for a seizure I had in the flight back home from vacation. I have not had a seizure since I was two. So go ahead, really. Nothing held you back last time so don’t feel like you have to hold back now. Or if it’s somehow only ok for you to treat me like that when I’m *not* in a hospital I would ***love*** to hear your pathetic attempt at explaining why. After all, you had no problem last time so what makes this time any different, hmm?
Oh yes! One last thing (and this really is the last thing I swear). The shit you said about me seeing friendships as transactional? Just it didn’t sink in the other times I said it, I would NEVER. I am too desperate for ANYONE to like me to ever do that. Which means, wow, you’re projecting pretty hard huh? Since YOU view friendships as transactional, you need to pay me for the bracelet I handmade for you. And as a lawyer you should already know that if you don’t pay me for my goods and services, I have every right to sue you for not getting paid for it. Especially since it’s been years and I still have not received payment for my bracelet. My PayPal is [NOT GOING TO SHARE THAT HERE]. Unlike everything else you have done to me, I hope this time you make a good choice.
reallllly feel like some of you have to start understanding people are sometimes going to make mistakes and not understand something and not know things and it's going to slot them in a perfect place for you to scoff and call them problematic and evil and they're not even going to know why.
not everyone is chronically online, or online at all. don't act like everyone who's ever enjoyed harry potter is a cartoon villain, when most of them barely know who jkr is and definitely don't know what she's done, or know what the actual symptoms of schizophrenia are, or understand what a neopronoun is. like, yeah, okay, you can get frustrated when people don't listen or when they willfully ignore you, but don't pretend everyone on earth is supposed to know already. my life advice.
my friend is a cishet white guy who's entire knowledge of schizophrenia was "yeah that's the thing people have in horror movies that make them kill people." he didn't even know hallucinations were involved. after meeting me, he googled it. like, while we were hanging out, he pulled out his phone, took two minutes to read up on it, and went "oh, so it's like autism, but scarier for you." i told him about neopronouns, and therians, and objectum, and a bunch of other chronically online bullshit, and he nodded along. later he messaged me with a couple questions, which i explained, and he thought it was all very cool. he has a snapchat and an instagram, both of which are exclusively for hunting and fishing friends, he didn't even know why the r slur wasn't okay to say. im not saying you have to educate everyone you meet on the street, but for the love of god, you need to recognize when someone's actually trying to hurt you and when someone is just not really sure what's going on.
