I don't fucking know

15 She/Her Weeb, K-Pop stan, with Thyroid Cancer

[sircaterpillar1267]

Dabihawks headcannon #1

Dabi has bad anxiety and gets frequent panic attacks

Hawks is the only on who can calm him down completely

During a panic attack Dabi loses control of his flames completely

He has to hold a paper bag to his mouth to calm them down since oxygen feeds fire

“Here we go, come with me. Take my hand, close your eyes.”

Hawks leads Dabi outside and get’s him to close his eyes and grab onto him before launching them both into the sky away from all the people and noise.

If it’s a bad episode Hawks will sing to Dabi

One of Dabi’s favourite’s for Hawks to sing is Rocketeer by Far East Movement

Hawks has a whole routine specially for Dabi’s panic attacks

“Hey, baby, just listen to my voice right now. Focus on my voice. Can you feel the wind blowing through you hair? How about the shirt your wearing? Can you feel where I’m touching you? Try to focus on feeling those for me. You’re doing so good. I’m gonna go over to a building now so we can sit down, okay?”

Hawks always holds Dabi in his lap as he shakes and wraps his wings around them

He always gently traces his hand in different patterns over Dabi’s body to help draw his focus away from his thoughts

Dabi is clingy baby and refuses to let go of Hawks for ages

Once things start calming down Hawks sometimes tickles Dabi’s face with one of his feathers after drying his tears, it helps soothe him and recognise that he is in the real world still

“You did so good for me baby, so so good. You’re getting better and better at this everytime you have a panic attack. I’m so proud of you.”

[sircaterpillar1267]

My Cancer Story #2

So it’s been a week...

I don’t really believe I have cancer yet, but I’ve read the papers from my doctor’s office and it says it right there. We also still don’t have a surgery date, they said to wait another week. Also I’m not going to be seeing a paediatrician since they have no experience in thyroid surgery, so I get to go to the big boy hospital with all the big scary adults.

Honestly I’m starting to get a little scared and stressed, I mean before I found out about the cancer my dog got cancer, my dad got arrested, and my grandma past away, so it’s been a crazy past few months. Also the doctors are worried about my cancer because my tumour is way bigger than 1 cm and when it’s bigger than that the risk of it spreading is 75%. So that information added with the fact that I’ve had it for three years they don’t know how far it’s spread or how bad it is and they won’t be able to find out until the surgery. 

Another thing, my family doesn’t exactly have a lot of money, especially with my dad in jail (who earnt the most out of everyone) and my mum still having to look after my younger brother.

On a lighter note; my older sister and mum have both accidentally let it slip that my grandad is coming up from Tasmania to come support me. He and I used to be really close when I was younger, and before his wife (my nana) passed from pancreatic cancer. as you can see cancer runs in the family. But I am very excited to see him again, it’s been so long.

I’ve also been having the urge to do something kinda crazy but not too crazy ya know? like cut my hair short or something (I have pretty long hair). I don’t know about that though since I really like my long hair. I’ll take any suggestions though if anyone sees this and/or reads all the way through this. 

So yeah, see you in the next update on my tumour, Gertrude, I guess.

[sircaterpillar1267]

My Cancer Story #1

When I was 12 (2017) late one night I noticed a lump on my neck that wasn’t there before. My first sleepy thought was that it was an adam’s apple... so I googled to see if girls had one, and if it was meant to be on the side of the neck. Eventually I deemed my neck lump completely fine and healthy then forgot about it until this year (2020). One afternoon I was laughing hard at something my mum said and she noticed the huge lump on my neck for the first time since you can’t really see it unless I tilt my head back like I did just then. We went to the doctors to get it checked out. Eventually that lead to getting an ultrasound, then an ultrasound guided fine needle biopsy. 

That biopsy happened on Wednesday last week, and we weren’t expecting the results until Monday (Tomorrow) but we got them sooner than expected.

On Friday after school, I get home and my mum told me to sit down on the couch. “I have something to tell you. The doctors called about your results.” She told me. She then proceeded to tell me that I have Papillary Thyroid Carcinoma or more commonly known as Papillary Thyroid Cancer.

The doctors are already organising to get my whole thyroid surgically removed and we should find out a surgery date by the end of the week.

I have unknowingly had cancer for three years... which means it is likely that it has spread to my lymph nodes now.

The most surprising part about this to me is the fact that this is a cancer that is most common in 30-50 year olds, not 12-15 year olds.

Honestly I wasn’t even surprised when my mum told me I have cancer, I guessed it about a month ago. I just don’t care anymore, but at least this cancer has a very high survival rate from my research.

Also I have named the lump on my neck! Her name is Gertrude.

^^ Gertrude, I gave her a face. She is as big as the circle for her head, so about the size of a golfball. She is a toxic bitch and is no longer welcome in my body. 

I know you can’t really see the lump, but it is there and it hurts.

[sircaterpillar1267]

My self-harm story.

Sup fuckers, so yeah I’m a teenager, I self harm. I do it for so many different reasons. Like whenever I upset someone or make them hfeel even slightly unhappy I need to be punished, or if my grades get too low, whenever I feel like everyone is leaving me behind, and more.

It started last year when I started dating this boy. He was really sweet and cuddly, but I also caught feelings for someone else at the same time. The other person is nonbinary and just as amazing. I told them both that I felt that way and I was told that I could take my time deciding what I wanted to do. Bad move, I started feeling so fucking guilty that I would have to hurt one of them. I started to scratch at my skin until it almost bled. This went on for six months.

During those six months I made a decision to date the nonbinary person instead. They did their best to help me since they were the only one that knew about it really. I started having panic attacks and not eating properly.

Another thing that really affected my self harm at the start was the fact that eleven of my friends each told me that they wanted to kill themselves, four of which continuously dumped all their problems on me. I watched one of those friends cut his arm with scissors in class one time.

By december everything calmed down in terms of self harm. The panic attacks got worse when the aussie bushfires started getting bad.

When school went back, my partner and I broke up and we got in multiple fights about it. I started to scratch again because I felt bad about not being emotionally available all the time for my partner, and being introverted, and not wanting to talk all the fucking time because I needed to socially recharge. (Which they have to do as well all the time now -_-). 

My parents finally noticed that I had anxiety because of all the panic attacks and how much I locked myself in my room. they arganised for me to have phonecalls with a worry counselor. big no, phone calls are terrifying for me and the lady I talked to didn’t do shit.

eventually I just stopped calling her and my parents didn’t notice and the lady never called to check in with me.

That angered me a lot so I scratched every day for a week before I snapped and just gave up on everything and became numb to almost everything. I was clean for five months.

I got myself another boyfriend. then everything went to shit. In no particular order: corona virus and quarentine, I lost contact with my ex-step-siblings, my dad got arrested, my grandma passed away, my sister and mum doon’t talk anymore and she is moving out with her boyfriend, my mum talks shit about all of my siblings behind their back to me, and more. as things got worse the urge to hurt myself got stronger and stronger.

My grades slipped, I started feeling worthless, my boyfriend and I started fighting about the most stupid shit so we broke up on my birthday. He looked so miserable and it made me finally snap. I relapsed and it was worse than before. I would scratch constantly but not just my arms, it included my legs now. It wasn’t enough so I scratched with a screw instead of my nail. I broke my necklaces by pulling them tightly around my neck/throat. I had to stop wearing bracelets too.

My boyfrined and I got back together because our friends pushed us to. Thungs were the same as they were around my birthday for a while then they calmed down. 

the urges to hurt myself never left and got stronger and stronger. I finally caved and cut my thighs with a knife, I slapped my wrist until it looked like a tomato, I scratched my hand until it bled, I picked at my scabs, I skipped meals, I put a lighter against my arm. all within three hours. I did that three days in a row before I had a panic attack at school and I accidentally mentioned my self harm to my boyfriend.

He got mad at me for doing it. he told me to promise him that I wouldn’t do it again. You can’t fucking promise that!! I told him I couldn’t and he started smacking my forehead really hard whenever I said anything slightly negative about myself, or mentioned self harm. He doesn’t trust me with anything now and still hits my forehead really hard. Other day he punched me and barely apologised. the bruise on my arm really hurts and I could barely touch it when i first got it. I didn’t tell anyone how I really got it because I don’t want people to get upset at my boyfriend.

now I keep considering fully snapping at him next time he hits my forehead. I haven’t yet because he keeps saying things like “Please don’t flinch, it makes me feel bad.” and whenever I raise my voice slightly or get even slightly agitated he freaks and almost has a panic attack. 

I feel like my emotions aren’t valid to him and he only cares about my body because whenver we hang out he almost always tries to get in my pants even if I tell him no. I don’t know what to do anymore. I know I should confront him or leave him but I don’t want to hurt him. I’ve already lost almost everyone else that’s important to me.

TLDR; I self harm as punishment, and when I told my boyfriend he became mildly abusive even though he knows it’s a trigger for me. now I don’t know what to because I don’t want to upset him even though I really should confront him or leave him.

[sircaterpillar1267]

(the pictures are from a website that hasn’t been updated recently about the fires. there are more and they have spread wider)

I don’t like to share much about myself on the internet but this needs to be said.

Hi, I am a fourteen-year-old girl with asthma issues and anxiety from Australia, more specifically, Canberra (the capital city of Australia, the political capital, and the bush capital.)

In just 2018 my home was voted as the worlds most liveable city, and very recently we have become the city with the worst air quality in the world. we didn’t get there from overpopulation, heavy traffic, or not enough trees (we are quite the opposite actually) we got there from the fact that we are literally surrounded by fire.

(like I said above, the map hasn’t been updated recently)

We aren’t supposed to leave the house without a gas mask. So many people have been evacuated from the fires, while many have been lost to them. We have lost so many homes, pets, and wildlife to the fires too.

There is a reason we are called the bush capital. the whole city is covered with trees, and since it’s summer here they are all incredibly dry and easy to burn.

And if my city does catch flames and we need to evacuate there are only two roads open leading out of here, so they will be packed with cars so we might not even get out of here!

It is very common knowledge that Australia is hot in the summer and that we have a lot of droughts and bushfires but not like this.

usually in the summer the fires and droughts are small and manageable, so everyone can just keep going with their lives under the summery blue sky.

we can’t do that this time. the whole sky where I live is grey and gloomy. it looks foggy and cold almost but it’s not. it’s boiling hot and you can’t breathe.

Just a few days ago I went down to my girlfriend’s grandparents farm for new years with their family and them. when we first left the fires around there were fine and it was completely safe. the car ride there was three hours and it was still safe when we got there. about an hour of just lounging around later we had dinner but quickly stopped because we had to pack up and leave or we would have been trapped there by the fires. the fire had quickly spread there and was creeping towards the main road out of there which is over a mountain (The Brown). It was supposed to be a three-day trip, but it was only nine hours.

Hey, here’s a couple more facts about my home and the fires right now.

OUR FUCKING PRIME MINISTER WAS ALL HAPPY ON VACATION WITH HIS FAMILY IN HAWAII!! The country is in crisis, what the fuck was he doing?! He was gone for ages and only came back on the twenty-first of December!!

Another fact that makes the last one look even worse: The fires started in August (our winter) and it’s now January. This is month six of my country burning away. IT HAS BEEN BURNING FOR ALMOST HALF A YEAR PEOPLE!! Our leader knew the country was in a crisis when he left! I saw him in person not long before he went on holiday! Before he left it was just as bad around Canberra too. Us school kids weren’t allowed outside during break times or during PE.

There is so much more I could say, but this is already really long.

So, I think you can get that I am fucking terrified, and extremely pissed off right now.

I’m scared guys. so fucking scared right now. I want my home to be safe. I want my family to be safe. I want my friends to be safe. I want my country to be safe.

[sircaterpillar1267]

Please think about what you say

Random person at shool: Uugh, I hate maths! It makes me wanna die!

why is that the first response to something we don't like as a teenager? It doesn't matter if they are serious or not, death is not something to joke about or to speak of so calmly.

Saying things like that all the time can also trigger different people's anxiety, depression and dark mindset in general.

Next time you go to say that you want to die please think about what you're saying.

[sircaterpillar1267]

It is so hard to be the middle child

as the middle child, I have to endure so much shit. I need to be calm and respectful towards my older siblings and I have to listen to everything they say but they don’t ever listen to me. I also need to be mature and strong for my younger siblings. I can’t break down in front of them.

when you are treated like shit by your older siblings you have a want to prove that you are better than them by treating your younger siblings better than they did, but you also get scared because a lot of your ways to act like an older sibling comes from your older siblings and that automatically makes you like them. the exact opposite of what you want.

as the middle child, I get ignored by both my parents and my siblings (not always the younger one). they only really talk to and about the other kids.

the other kids get the option to take up hobbies, sports, and other things while I don’t. the other kids get bought new clothes every six months or when needed and I don’t. I have to live with all the unwanted or too small clothes of my older siblings even though they are nothing like my style and they don’t fit me properly. and when I ask to get clothes that actually fit, my parents say how it’s too expensive and that I already have clothes when I don’t.

as the middle child, I have to listen to my mother talk shit about my other siblings all the damn time and it makes so fucking upset to hear the words she says. I am now terrified of what she says about me behind my back.

why can’t people just be kind?

[sircaterpillar1267]

People underestimate the power of a kiss

My girlfriend and I have been together for quite sometime and we’ve shared a decent amount of kisses, but no one has ever explained to me how powerful they really are. No movie, book, song or fanfiction has told me that they really are magical. It’s been months since our first kiss and even now I still feel butterflies before and after every kiss. I am always left wanting more but being so happy with what I got. After every kiss my mind goes fuzzy and it’s one of the few things I can think of once it’s over. I love being able to discover this as I got older but I would have loved to know that when you kiss someone special to you it leaves a lasting effect.

[sircaterpillar1267]

Why are people so rude to others?

Everywhere you look you can see someone being horrible to someone else. Day after day people get bullied for no reason. People are sexist, racist, homophobic and just plain unkind.

Why are humans like this? when did it start? why did it start?

there are murders, rapes, robberies, assaults, abuse, harmful words, harmful toxins, and harmful thoughts everywhere.

people get attacked on the daily and everyone I know seems to ignore it.

people are attacked for not being like something enough or for being too much like something. attacked for their skin, the kind of people they like, their beliefs, every fucking day.

why do we turn a blind eye on all this?

suicide should be looked into more too. almost every time someone kills themselves there is someone else who pushed them to do it. that is basically MURDER.

CHILDREN get told to kill themselves all the time just because there is something about them that someone else doesn’t like.

why are we as a species like this? why can’t we just be kind to others?

[sircaterpillar1267]

Parents need to learn how to properly support their kids.

Yes, some parents have done great with other things, but teenagers mental health is one thing that absolutely cannot be ignored. You tell us from a young age that we can always come and talk to you, but did you ever think to actually make yourself approachable?

Talking shit about us, the people we love, and the things we love doesn’t make you approachable.

Ignoring us when we want to just casually have a conversation with you doesn’t make you approachable.

Always being on your phone, then when we want to talk to you you say just a minute but actually taking ten minutes doesn’t make you approachable.

Yelling at us all the time doesn’t make you approachable. 

Fighting with siblings or other parents in front of us doesn’t make you approachable.

Making us do all the household chores for you doesn’t make you approachable.

We are your children.

Right now we are all so scared of so many different things (you being one of them). We want comfort from our parents.

We want to love you and feel loved in return.

We want to talk to you, confide in you, get advice and support from you, but we can’t. Not unless you make yourselves approachable.

Us teens and kids are so full of negative energy that so many of us are wanting to just end it all. Wanting to kill ourselves.

I alone am friends with at least ten people that want to kill themselves who are between the ages of twelve and fifteen. That’s half of my friends. Hell, even my girlfriend is one of them. I’m terrified that I will lose one of them at any moment now.

For most of those people (nine out of ten), their want to die has sprouted from their lack of support from their parental figures.

All of those people hurt themselves. They talk about cutting right in front of me and have even gone online to look for cheap blades instead of doing schoolwork.

I am what’s known as a mum/mom friend so I am basically the only person in their lives encouraging them to eat, drink water, sleep, and to live (so many people make fun and tease me because I am so optimistic for other people. People bully me because I want to be a kind person). Many kids don’t even have someone like me to encourage them.

Because I am the one supporting so many people, on my own and at the age of fourteen, I started hurting myself. I did it because I just wanted to get rid of all the mental pain and stress. 

Most of the time when someone is drowning it is not them that dies. It’s the person who comes to save them. This happens because of the original drowning person pushing the other down so they can stay above the water.

It’s not my job to look after and support these people but I do it anyway. I do it because no one else does. I do it because I care so much about these people. I do it because I’m scared. So fucking scared.

I don’t want to act like an adult yet, I want to be a kid. I want to relax. I want my friends to be safe and get support along with all the other teenagers, young adults, soon to be teenagers, and all the kids of the world.

Please. Parents for the sake of the future of the human race, please start supporting us. Please make yourselves approachable so we can talk to you, so we can relieve our minds.

All we want is love. Is that too much to ask for?

---

Sorry if that is hard to understand but hopefully you can figure out what I’m trying to say