Sisyphean Dreams

Ramblings from around the internet. Some are from the administrator. Some are random quotes. Some are submissions.

[sisypheandreaming]

Seriously dark today.

Suicidal ideation dark.

[sisypheandreaming]

My mom put me in a super weird position. Yesterday.

When she got a divorce, apparently she got a life insurance policy on the asshole.

Apparently, she’s made me the beneficiary of it.

So, if she dies before him, I hold a $100k life insurance policy on the fucker.

Realistically, it’s her investment so it’s not really tied to him except as a bet against his lifespan.

But, it’s still kind of weird.

Guess all I can hope for is that he dies before her?

Granted, realistically they’ll both likely outlive me...

[sisypheandreaming]

Think I have a cold.

It’s sad that my first thought is “I should review my will.”

And yeah, I really should.

[sisypheandreaming]

K had Covid exposure.

So, if all is ok, 2 weeks quarantine.

I’m extremely anxious and depressed about this :/

[sisypheandreaming]

I have a hard struggle with suicidal thoughts.

Even though I know my kids will be better with me around, when they listen to bullshit from their moms I assume that it’s easier for them not to hear me. Also, I’m just simply a difficulty person. *shrugs*

[sisypheandreaming]

Kid

Seriously.

You’re forcing me to believe that you don’t want or need me.

Stop it or I’m going to believe you.

And you’re the only reason I’m still alive.

[sisypheandreaming]

Not remembering

Sometimes, I awaken in the morning not sure how the evening ended.

I always wonder if I fell asleep, or just got loopy and tired, or made an ass of myself.

[sisypheandreaming]

Tonight, I was told that an thinks I’m not a great dad

Good for fun, but bad as a support.

Goddess, you’re making it hard for me, child.

[sisypheandreaming]

Tired of people getting mad at me for playing games.

Maybe I should just stop.

[sisypheandreaming]

Recovery?

I seem to be doing better.

I am very relieved.

But I was worried about how I died.

I think I need a fast out if I’m near the end. Inability to breathe is not a fast way to die.

So, I may be talking to people about keeping a safe store of something I know I’m allergic to which I can take to save me from a lingering death in the fruture.

[sisypheandreaming]

I just read the state standards of care under contingency and crisis situations.

They refused testing DUE TO my underlying health conditions. And advised I call ahead if in emergency need because, according to the SoC if they’re at contingency level clinics and hospitals are advised to turn me away due to my underlying conditions.

[sisypheandreaming]

I’m sick

With the plague.

And logically, I know I’ll be ok.

But personally I’m just terrified.

I updated my will and will try to print if off so I can get it signed.

[sisypheandreaming]

If I ever wrote an autobiography, I should write it from the viewpoint of those most affected by me.

But that would probably end in suicide.

[sisypheandreaming]

Credit score went up 114 points this month with the payoffs. And two of the accounts haven’t even updated yet. Feels damned good.

School is going well. I need to devote more time to it, but I’m ahead of where I need to be :)

Steviee isn’t happy about the change to not letting her default to sleeping in my bed, but doesn’t seem to be upset about it now.

I ended up with more money than I expected, so I’ve been buying necessary things. New laptop, new knives for the kitchen, things like that. I’ve spent more than I wanted, but still well within budget. I want to buy some new clothes and a bunch of things at the hardware store.

All in all, life is great <3

[sisypheandreaming]

Sugar Daddy Fail

Had a guy ask to be my sugar daddy. Figured I'd talk a bit about it, so I asked him ideally what that would look like.

"You satisfy me sexually and I satisfy you financially."

No, dude. That's just a long term contract whore. Not even an escort. That's illegal.

[sisypheandreaming]

Debt free

Today is the day. Funds deposited. Paid off the credit line linked to that account.

Just waiting for the bank to open so I can withdraw the rest of the money and close the accounts (may have to wait for the payoff to settle).

Then cross the street, deposit most of the money in my primary bank, and pay off the credit card associated with that account.

Then go by the last bank and pay off that credit card.

All that's left after that is to make a few small online payments (PayPal credit has like $600 on it).

I got about $3k more than I expected, so I'm going to spend a bit of it. Probably $500-$1000. Jeans, hoodie, birks. Finish decorating the master bathroom. Chairs. Floor lamps. Curtains. New phone (probably on a payment plan).

I may also get something nice for my mom, sister, Steviee, and Wendy. Steviee particularly could benefit from something nice since she's probably feeling upset about my standing my boundaries on my bedroom being an invitation not an expectation.

So, super excited and feeling really good about this. Seeing my credit line go from $7944 to $0 felt so damned good. And knowing I have so much more available to pull out and throw into the other debts as well.

[sisypheandreaming]

Ugh

I HATE that she doesn't respect my boundaries. She sleeps in my bed every night despite my telling her constantly that I dislike it. It's my bed, not "our" bed. You rent another room in the fucking house. You pay a quarter of the fucking bills. Sleep in your own fucking bed. It's the same sort of fucking situation I keep running into. A housemate who doesn't respect my boundaries and I deal with because it's better than not having rent.