Iâm such a selfish person.
Iâm just. Why does it still matter why does he still matter so much this is the worst feelings are awful and I wish I never had them. Iâm a horrible friend to Hayden. I never realised I had all these expectations of him until he didnât meet them, and he shouldnât ever be obliged to anyway and I donât want them. I want him to care, I want him to be a friend. I want him to reach out and I want him to hurt like I do even though thatâs awful and selfish. I wish this year would just end already so I can stop seeing him every day. I imagine conversations where he asks me why we donât talk anymore and I say with all the bitterness in my throat why does it matter to you? I finally succeeded in distancing myself, isnât that what you wanted? No more uncomfortable conversations, no more worrying that our awkwardness will ruin the band dynamic and make uni difficult. No more having to deal with my shit and my expectations of some vague idea of emotional closeness and my mood-swings and other neuroticisms. I know you donât like people relying on you. Well, now I donât.
And I could try and expel all the hurt thatâs been festering in my chest for the last 5 months by trying to drown someone else in it. And I still care, anyway. It hits me like a blow to the gut when he leaves for lunch or a coffee without asking if I want to tag along, or leaves uni without saying goodbye, or makes an effort to talk to everyone but me. And I hate it - myself, I mean, and this stupid glut of pathetic pity and rejection that wonât leave. I canât fucking move on. God, Iâm such a mess. And I can recognise that Iâm being no better. Using that reprimand from him last month as an excuse to leave all the civility to him as a pretense of giving him space. I donât think Iâve spoken to him directly of my own volition for over a fortnight. Using it as justification and reasoning that weâre not friends. Not my definition of friends. I just canât.. believe that he could possibly value our friendship enough to forgive me for my slip up last month. And Iâve ruined everything. And itâs irreparable. I feel like such a burden.Â
Things were easier last year when my friends were still forced to do 3D and I could feel useful by just being really good at it and trading 3D help for worth. Now nobody in the Band does 3D but me, and I feel so useless. I donât have anything to trade to make it worth putting up with all my shit. And Hayden gets it the worst. I donât know how itâs worth anyone putting in the effort to try and be my friend. I ask so much of people.Â
I oscillate between being too scared to talk to Hayden in case I say something else accidentally hurtful and make things even worse, and feeling like I need to distance us because weâre not good for each other. Which weâre not. All I do is worry him and hurt him and make him uncomfortable or awkward. All he does is exist, but thatâs enough to keep alive these intense bouts of grief. It hurts so much sometimes that itâs hard to focus on anything but breathing and how my hands shake. And even though I wish desperately that I could distance myself enough that the lack of emotional intimacy was inconsequential, every step towards that twists my stomach to knots. I havenât wanted the romantic or sexual side of things from him in a long time. But I miss my friend. I miss feeling safe to openly love someone that much. I miss feeling safe, and cared about, even if not loved in return. And oh man, I honestly donât think Iâll ever get over him telling me heâs never loved me, and never would. I donât care how much of a mis-communication it was. I donât care how we have different definitions for the same thing. Hearing that from someone I was deeply in love with hurt me more than I can possibly express, aside from saying that thinking about it over 5 months later can still make me sob my heart out. And I donât think Iâll ever trust him to care about me again, after that. And that hurts badly, given that I still care about him so very deeply, despite my best efforts. After hearing that, I canât trust any interaction from him not to be out of pity or awkwardness or concern about how the deterioration of our friendship might negatively effect his social and uni life. I just... canât. Particularly after I hurt him last month.Â
And to top it off, Iâm being a colossal selfish asshole to James. James is wonderful, in many, many ways, and.. actually seems to care about me, though itâs so hard to trust. And here I am, still hurting so badly from another guy. Iâm aware that until I deal with this grief and rejection and pain, I wonât be able to focus on that relationship. I feel like Iâm using him. And Iâm just... such a mess. I truly donât know what anyone sees in me, especially to invest in a relationship with. God, Iâm pathetic. Iâm a miserable shell and poor excuse for a human being, with enough trauma and mental health issues to scare anyone. Iâm selfish and neurotic and needy and over-sensitive and judgemental and anal-retentive and obsessive. And so easily upset.Â
I donât know what Iâm getting out of this, putting this on tumblr instead of somewhere private. Though my tumblr is pretty private, I guess. If anyone read this for some reason, like it so I know who has? But I donât want to talk about it. If I want to talk about it, Iâll talk to you. I guess Iâm putting it on tumblr instead of somewhere else because I want at least the illusion of being heard, without feeling like Iâm imposing myself on people.Â
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