saint soul

welcome to heaven’s hood spoiled + protected | god being | bpd brat face @sixstarsaint aesthetics @h7nshood

[sixstarsoul]

set me free from my distorted world

[outmyway]

I wish I wasn’t so isolated sometimes but I get it.

[kosmogrl]

[theoriginalsupermodels]

Vivienne Westwood Red Label - Fall 1997 RTW

[dxbz]

[sixstarsoul]

[peelingmandarins]

[sixstarsoul]

most people don’t want a life at sea.

[sixstarsoul]

the waters are a dangerous place to venture. unconquerable and belligerent.

[sixstarsoul]

my doubt is just as big. i question myself so much. i wonder if he was right. if all the mean things he said were simply truths i hadn’t been aware of. i wonder if i could be smaller. if i could fit my oceans of emotion into mere puddles of water without compromising my natural state of being. i don’t think i could. and so i wonder if im better off not loving at all. if thats even possible. i don’t think it is.

[sixstarsoul]

i really loved my friend. i loved him so much. and i don’t know if it was romantic or not. i just know that i felt it. i loved him so deeply. and maybe the way i love is confusing. maybe i love wrong. maybe my love is a hurricane.

[sixstarsoul]

grief is a very new emotion for me. and it’s really overwhelming. just imagine all the water in the world and then some becoming grief. thats what its like to feel all my emotions. everything is so much and so deep and im in awe of how much i can feel. but its so much genuinely. my therapist says that these are just waves and they’ll pass eventually. and i know shes right. but sometimes its so hard to stay afloat. its so hard to describe. its like im the water, the waves, and a tiny object inside it all being tossed around. it feels like im sinking sometimes. it feels like ive gotten to the bottom and even there the sands are swirling around. it feels like theres current carries everywhere. it feels like theres more under the sand. it feels never ending. i have so much emotion in this little body and sometimes its so much more than i know what to do with.

[sixstarsoul]

having a personality disorder is not fun at all. no one really knows what to do with me so its really lonely. i dont feel connected to people. im scared of being discarded. i don’t know how to feel a lot of the time. i have sensations in my body that i can’t always name. everything is intense and that deep for me. it hurts.

[sixstarsoul]

having bpd is so difficult for me bc i really do love with so much intensity. but i require a lot of patience and understanding. it’s not hard for me to love people. but it’s been so hard to find the right people to love. sometimes i wanna give up but i don’t know how. or if i should.

[sixstarsoul]

and then i get so frustrated because this is the same cycle i went thru w my ex bf. ive already had that conversation. i already gave so much grace and sympathy. what can i say? i don’t think there’s anything to say.

[sixstarsoul]

i used to pray for strength to leave him alone. thats actually terribly saddening. cus some sick part of me really wants him to come back but i don’t think i could even open my mouth to say anything cus im afraid of him. im afraid of what he does to my soul. i afraid of bumping into him one day. im afraid of seeing the people who know him. im so scared because what do i say. how do i explain that i love him but i don’t love the version of him that i experienced?

[sixstarsoul]

i guess this is the list of things i don’t miss. and it’s sorta sad to write cus as much as i miss him… i really don’t want this back. my body tenses up at the idea of him coming around again. im actually afraid. and i really can’t say why. my ex voice in my head like “i never hit you” 😞 but you caused me severe mental distress and you never acknowledged how badly you fucked my head up. and unfortunately he was a lot like my ex. same thing just a prettier package :/