I started this blog in year 12. It started as a fun way to encourage me to revise but turned out very different. I’ve always had perfectionistic tendencies and being in the studyblr community encouraged me to work myself to the bone.
After my first year of sixth form, I started to develop an eating disorder which only made things worse. By the end of my first term in year 13, I was admitted into hospital and my main concern was falling behind in my study schedule. I was hooked up to machines yet I took it as an opportunity to work longer hours. I couldn’t think straight but that didn't stop me obsessing over flashcards, self-testing and textbooks.
I continued like this for months, jeopardising my health. I was determined to make it back to school and complete my exams, staying up to date from hospital and eventually from home. I wasn’t allowed back to school but I still needed all A*s and I needed to get them that year.
Two months before I was due to take my exams, I had to accept I wasn’t going to make it back to school. It was the hardest decision I had to make, but going to hospital four days a week really messed with my revision schedule, as much as I tried to have it all. So, this September, I went back to school to repeat year 13. All my old friends went to university and I had to fit in with a new year group. I was so down on myself and I resented having to repeat-- I felt like a failure. I was supposed to be smart! I thought.
But I was determined to do it differently this time. My therapist and I worked out a maximum number of hours a week of revision and we cut down my days at hospital to just two-- freeing me up to go to school three days a week. I was terrified and was convinced it wouldn’t work. How could I do what I thought was so little revision while also missing 40% of my classes and get the grades I relied on for my self worth?
I’ll admit, it was hard work. I had to change everything I thought I knew about studying and effort. I had to find balance- something I’ve never been great at. I had to stop myself if I hit my maximum hours for the week and allow myself to not hit that maximum very frequently at all. When I felt myself getting burned out, I took a week off. A week where I would do literally nothing study-related. Sometimes, I would take longer. Then, I would go back to my routine without compensating for the ‘lost’ days of work. I listened to my needs and responded to them accordingly.
I took my exams this year, having not been on this account since my first shot at year 13. This month, I got my results which have allowed me to go to my university of choice (a fact I’m still struggling to believe). I did that by adopting a healthier attitude towards my study and finding self-esteem in other places. But, I would have been okay without those grades, too.
I did as much work as I could without sacrificing anything else in my life and whatever grades that level of work would get me would be good enough. If I had to work harder to get the grades for a certain university, my mental health and quality of life would have suffered and I would have had to keep that up for my degree but that’s no way to live. I trusted the process and believed I would end up wherever I was supposed to be. And I think I have.
For me, the studyblr community just perpetuated these impossibly high standards I had of myself and so removing myself was the best thing I could do for me. That’s just my experience and I’m sure many others have found the opposite to be true for them, but if this post helps even one person then it was worth sharing.
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