you can call me sk8ter or bug, I like both. Sk8ter feels more like the writer and bug is more personal to me but that´s kinda irrelevant.
I´m a transboy (he/they) , in the early twenties and obviously there is some audhd sparkle involved✨
I‘m very much a praise driven being and I’d love to communicate with you all. So please comment and reach out. I don’t have any anons this far, so everything is still open 😌
If you enjoy my writing you can buy me a hot chocolate <3
minors DNI / 18+ blog
My Wattpad: @lol_sike
Writing interests: Basically everything that involves WandaNat, but also Arcane, Mildred Ratched, Jane Banner, Carol Aird, Lydia Tár, Emily Prentiss, Cate Blanchett, Elizabeth Olsen, Candy Montgomery, Sheba Hart, etc.
I´m very much open to requests, suggestions and critisism (as long as it´s respectful)
I´ve been writing for a long time but never published anything. Too scared of hate or rejection. But since I was desperatly searching for New Year´s resolutions, I decided it was about time to face my fear. Maybe there´s someone out there who likes a story of mine. 🤭
Short disclaimer, english is neither my first nor my second language. Therefore everything might contain typos, grammatical issues or anything like that. Please correct me if anything makes no sense. 🇩🇪🇭🇺
Please be patient with me, I´m a gentle soul and trying my best! ❤️🌿
Masterlist
WANDANAT
When the curtain falls
Chapter 4/unknown - unfinished
Introduction
Chapter 1: Bright lights
Chapter 2: Remembering their eyes
Chapter 3: When the applause fades
Chapter 4: Coincidence
Speaking through the keys
Speaking through the keys pt. 1 - maybe a second part
Summer night exes - oneshot
——————————————————————
WANDA MAXIMOFF
Therapy Sessions
Therapy session pt. 1
Therapy sessions pt. 2 - when control shatters
Melodies in quiet places
Melodies in quiet places pt. 1
Melodies in quiet places pt. 2
When you changed
When you changed - oneshot, no second part planned
I think some of you forgot that autistic people sometimes act strange and say things that are poorly worded and speak with incorrect tone and misunderstand or miss social cues because they are autistic
hey bug!! I’ve never been asked to be an anon before and what you said was very, very sweet and means a lot 🥰
I could go by ☀️ or Loanie (which is a personal nickname just like bug is) for you!! I probably would’ve become one of your anons anyway bc I like your style of writing but it was so cool to be asked. I also mean what I said abt being a beta reader. Do you want me to message you and I could read what you have so far?
Heyyy my little sun, I’m happy to hear from you and that you liked my idea 😊 also Loanie is a pretty name! I wonder where it comes from
Thank you very much for the compliment! I do love to write but sometimes I get very self conscious and question everything 🥲
I would really appreciate that because I do get a lot of typos because of writing fast. I just get an idea and it spills out of my head. I’ve never had a beta reader so I don’t really now how that works, but we can discuss the details in private chat. If you’d like to reach out and write me, that would be awesome. Looking forward to seeing your message 😊
Hey I was wondering if you could do an age regression story with Wanda x Natasha and little autistic reader with breastfeeding? Like after a sensory overload during a team meeting
Hey hey, sorry for only responding now. Everything has been very stressful recently, so my mind was all over the place.
Anyways, I’m here now so yes, certainly I can do that. It will probably take some time until I write it cause I have another few projects I want to finish first and probably post them as well.
But I really like the idea and I have a similar story idea before and I actually already wrote the beginning so maybe I’m gonna use that one to complete it for this request. Only difference is I won’t write it as a meeting in the context of the avengers cause I don’t really like that world context (I know, kind of controversial opinion). if it’s fine with you I would write it in a normal worldly context without any superpowers.
It can definitely be after a meeting tho. I had in mind: Wanda as a lawyer or kind of higher position and reader some sort of assistant that got overwhelmed. How do you like that idea, sweetheart? 😊
Thank you very much for the request. I hope this answer is satisfying. Please have some patience with me but I will definitely write it for you. I already put it on my writing list so I won’t forget it even if it might take a while. 🙌🏻😘
hey bug, thank you for posting Wanda Maximoff x child!reader!! I really liked the pace of the fic and how long it was. I also love how maternal Wanda Maximoff is in the fic. It was a really fun read and I was very excited to see you posted it.
would you ever write Wanda Maximoff x child!reader again but she’s their mother? I’m excited to see how you would create that au bc you’re very good at world building (and I just really love Wanda Maximoff x child!reader fics esp when she’s the mother). I could def help with any ideas or be a beta reader if you want!!
Hey honey ^^
Ofcourse, my pleasure, I’m happy you enjoyed reading it sweet anon 😘 by the way, is there any name or emoji or you’d like to go by? A lovely person like you deserves to be recognised again 😌
Yes I did write those kinds but there all bit finished and sitting somewhere in my notes. Buuuuut I thought about picking them back up. Oh that’s so sweet of you to offer, I would love to have the help! 😊
Pairing: TeacherWandaMaximoff x neutralLittleReader
Summary: You are different, you have always been. You were Not always aware of that but she was. Wanda had a caring eye on you, since day one. But that doesn't make things easier. She sees mean actions you don't. She tries to fix things that hurt you without you recognising it as hurt. It's a thin line between caring and letting it get to her.
That becomes especially hard on this Trip into your favourite Forest.
A/n: I felt like going insane because I know all the german names but none of them in english. I tried to look up everything accordingly. Please correct me if i translated someting incorrectly.
As promised, my Wanda/Little reader. I'm not sure if it's what you've been waiting for tho. It's more a portrayal of things I did as a kid or experienced and only later realised it was bullying. People like Wanda are worth so much and I wish I had more of those lovely caring people in my life! Nonetheless I hope you have fun reading!
The bus smells like rain and someone's forgotten banana peel, and you decide immediately that this is fine.
You have smelled worse smells. The art supply closet on the third floor, for instance, which reeks of mold and something else you have never been able to name but which you suspect is despair. The changing room after gym. The lunch hall on Thursdays when it is broccoli.
The bus, all things considered, is tolerable. It smells of rubber and damp wool and the faint ghost of someone's citrus hand cream, and beneath that, if you breathe carefully enough, of soil and early morning and the cold that has been sitting in the footpath since the driver opened the doors.
You sit in the front row, closest to the teachers. This is not an accident.
You have sat here for the whole of the year, since September, since the first week, since the day you looked at the bus and understood immediately what would happen toward the back of it. Alone the thought of the chaos makes you shiver.
The back is where things are always in motion. Bags thrown. Seats changed without warning. Someone's headphones bleeding tinny percussion at a volume calibrated for no one's comfort. The back is loud in ways that are not predictable, and unpredictable loudness is a different category of loud entirely from the kind you can prepare for.
The front is different. The front is where Miss Maximoff is, and Peterson, and Mr. Okafor, and Ms. Bergmann, and the fifth teacher whose name you have not yet committed to memory because he joined the school in February and you are still in the process.
They are adults, which means they move in more predictable patterns. They do not throw things. Their voices, when they speak, are directed and purposeful rather than ambient.
Miss Maximoff is standing.
She is standing in the narrow aisle between the first seats and the dashboard, holding the back of the driver's partition for balance as the bus pulls out of the school car park, and she is counting heads. Her lips move as she counts. You can see this because you are directly to her left, in the window seat of the second row, and she has not yet noticed you watching her, or she has and has decided not to make a thing of it, which is something she does.
You watch her the way you watch most things: attentively, without making it a performance.
Her lips stop moving. She exhales slowly through her nose.
She has rosie cheeks. You mean this as an observation: her cheeks are genuinely a soft shade of pink, a real and specific warmth in the skin, the kind that cold air brings up from underneath. You noticed it in November, the first week of November, when she came into the classroom from morning duty with frost still on her scarf and her face carrying that bitten colour. You noted it then and you have noted it consistently since.
It is the same pink that appears on your own nose in winter when you have been outside too long, which makes it a familiar kind of observation, a colour you recognise from the inside.
She also has a small crease at the corner of her mouth when she is trying not to smile at something, and she has the habit of pressing her lips together very briefly when she has just made a decision, and when she is thinking about a problem she holds her pen against her lower lip and does not seem to notice she is doing it.
You have catalogued these things without meaning to. Most of what you rehister you do not mean to. It simply happens.
She finishes the count. Looks at the clipboard. Starts again from the back of the bus.
You look out of the window instead. The town slides by, familiar and then less so, the school streets giving way to broader roads and then to the open stretch of a street that heads north toward the forest. The sky is painted by morning colours and the light is the specific quality of a morning that has not yet decided what it is going to be.
The trees along the roadside still all have their leaves: yellow and copper yet some still green, the colour of something familiar that's leaves but is sure to return at some point.
You press your forehead to the glass. The cold seeps in slowly, which is the right speed. Your breath makes a circle of fog that blooms and fades. You trace your name in it. Y/n. You watch it disappear and trace it again.
Behind you, the bus is being itself.
———
She had counted forty children.
Wanda had counted, then counted again, then handed the clipboard to Ms. Bergmann and asked her to verify, not because she didn't trust her own counting but because forty children and five teachers and one day trip into the Forest required more than two eyes checking.
It required a specific kind of vigilance that she had been developing for the past year and which she was not entirely sure she had fully mastered.
Forty confirmed. Five staff. She sat back down in the front row across the aisle and accepted the flask of peppermint tea that Peterson held out without comment.
"Third count?" he asked.
"I'm thorough," she stated with concetration.
"You are," he agreed, with the mild tone he used for things that were true and also slightly more than they appeared. He looked out his own window. He had a comfortable relationship with windows, Peterson, the way some people had a comfortable relationship with silence and you. She had noticed this about him early, in autumn years ago, when she was still learning which colleagues were safe to be quiet near.
Peterson was safe to be near she learned that when she got to this school years ago.
She wrapped her hands around the flask and looked at the seat directly across and one row behind from her, where y/n was sitting with their forehead against the glass, tracing something in the condensation. The seat beside them was empty. All the seats near the front were mostly empty.
The children from class 5a and 5b were back there, in their groups and their noise, and y/n was here, in the front row, which was where y/n had sat since the first week of school.
When Wanda got a new class in her subjects, eleven months ago, she had asked the previous teachers what she should know about the incoming cohort. They had given her the usual information, dry and administrative, and then at the end most had said, almost as an afterthought: there's one, y/n Stark, very bright probably better up in a higher grade but a bit different, struggles with adjustment and that's why we stayed the regular way after a throrough discussion with the parents. You'll figure it out.
She had not found that adequate. She had gone home and read everything she could find and come back the next day with a set of questions she had typed out in a document, careful and specific, and she had asked the school's psychologist and she had read y/n's file and she had observed, very carefully, for the first three weeks without acting on most of what she observed, because she had learned already that acting too quickly on observation with y/n produced the wrong kind of attention. The kind that made them go quiet in ways that were not peaceful.
Eleven months. She was still learning. She suspected she would always be still learning, which was not entirely a comfortable feeling.
Y/n traced their name in the condensation again. Their profile was calm. Their hand in their lap was still.
"Last trip of the year?," Peterson said, to no one in particular and her eyes averted back to him after a second glance at her student.
"Last," she said agreeingly. "End of term. Before they move up to six."
"Ah." He considered this. "A significant day, then."
She looked at the clipboard. Forty names. "Yes,I suppose it is."
———
The forest starts where the carpark ends, which is abrupt in the way you appreciate: one surface, then another. Street to gravel at the first line of trees, and then the gravel gives way to compacted earth and root-ridged ground and the sky overhead goes from open grey to a green ceiling layered with grey, and the smell changes completely.
You have been counting steps since the bus. You are at one hundred and twelve when the ground changes underfoot. You register the number and continue.
The forest here is mostly beech and oak, with some hornbeam further in and different trees scattered inbetween, which you know from the field guide you read last week in preparation. Hornbeam bark has a specific wavy quality, like muscle under skin. You will look for it. The understorey is hawthorn and elder, both of which are bare now or nearly so, their branches making the kind of delicate linear patterns against the sky that you find very satisfying to look at. The leaf litter is deep and wet and it smells of earth and cold and something green that should, in your opinion, have its own word and does not.
You are at the back of the group.
This has happened gradually. You were at the front when you got off the bus, near Miss Maximoff, who was directing the line, and you walked with her for the first hundred metres or so, but then the path curved and the group compressed and the noise level rose as everyone settled into the fact of being outside together, and you slowed until the group had moved past you and you were at the back, which is where you do your best thinking.
Right now you are thinking about geology.
The sits on the southern edge of a sandstone ridge formed in the Cretaceous, which means the stones here should be predominantly sandstone: reddish-brown, medium-grained, with occasional quartz inclusions running through them in pale veins. You have read about this.
You are looking for it.
You find it within four minutes.
It is at the edge of the path, half-buried in leaf litter: a piece of sandstone roughly palm-sized, reddish-brown as expected, with a streak of rose quartz running diagonally through it like a signature. You crouch.
The ground is damp through the knees of your trousers and you register this and decide it is acceptable. You work the stone free with careful fingers.
The quartz streak catches what little light the canopy permits.
"Oh," you say happily, quietly, to the stone.
You turn it over. The underside is lighter, sandier, the grain visible like skin. You press your thumbnail into it gently. The surface crumbles slightly, which is characteristic of this sandstone, relatively soft for rock, a two on the Mohs scale approximately. Your mom gifted you a big poster that explained it well.
You put it in your jacket pocket. Your jacket already contains: the field guide folded to fit and a folded note from Mr. Okafor with the lunch information.
The new stone fits beside without pressing on the field guide. Good.
You stand. The group is further ahead. You can hear them, the particular sound of forty children in a forest, which is a lot like the sound of forty children anywhere except that some of the voices are muffled by the trees and some of the sounds are footsteps on leaves, which have a specific quality you appreciate.
Leon's voice is audible, a particular frequency you have learned to locate without trying to and therefore avoid the place it comes from.
You follow the path by the side.
______
She lost sight of y/n within the first twelve minutes.
Wanda had been paying attention. She had specifically been paying attention to the back of the line where y/n had been walking, and she had been simultaneously managing Freya's question about whether there were wolves in this forest and keeping an eye on Leon's group, which had positioned itself in the middle of the line in the way that Leon's group always positioned itself, occupying the social centre of any space it entered.
And then the path curved and there was a tree down across the verge that required a brief detour and she looked back and the last four people in the line were three girls from 5b who were always together and behind them, no one.
She did not panic. She had learned that panicking produced a quality of movement that y/n could detect and which then required managing, and managing was not what either of them needed right now. She excused herself quietly to Ms. Bergmann and went further back.
She found them a hundred metres behind the group, crouched at the base of an oak tree, both hands cupped around something.
Their trousers had dirt on the knees. Their hair was doing what it always did after a few minutes outdoors: escaping whatever had been done with it in the morning and rearranging itself around their face in a way that looked, like the illustrations in old fantasy children book. Precise and a little wild and completely in their element.
"Y/n," she gently called, keeping her voice level.
They looked up. Not startled. Their hands remained cupped and careful.
"Quartz and sandstone," they exclaimed. "The rose quartz streak is particularly clear on this piece. There should also be quartzite in the area, and possibly some limestone at the lower elevations near the stream. The regional geology is Cretaceous to Triassic in layers."
She crouched beside them. She looked at the stone: reddish-brown, compact, with a pale pink vein running through it at an angle. She accepted it when they held it out, turned it carefully in her hands. It was heavier than she expected and warm from being held.
"The pink streak is quartz?" she asked.
"Rose quartz, yes. Quartz forms in cavities. The pink colour comes from trace amounts of titanium or iron in the crystal structure, depending on who you ask. There's some debate." They paused. "Can I have it back please?"
"Of course, love." She returned it. Watched them tuck it with great care into their jacket pocket, making some internal arrangement she could not see. "We should catch up with the group."
"Yes," they agreed, without urgency, and stood in one fluid motion, and fell into step beside her on the path.
She matched their pace. She always matched their pace now, without thinking about it. It was the pace of someone for whom walking was not transit but attention, and she had learned that matching it was worth more than arriving somewhere faster.
______
Here is something you have understood about Leon over the course of a year:
He is a system. Individually he is approximately tolerable.
With Marcus and Dev he becomes something else, something that generates its own momentum, and the momentum is almost always pointed outward. You have observed this since the first week of school and the pattern has been consistent. The variable is proximity to adults, which modulates the system's output but does not change its fundamental nature.
You are not afraid of Leon.
You want to be precise about this, in your own internal catalogue: he does not produce in you the responses that fear produces. He does not register the way the fire alarm registers, or the way sudden loud music registers, or the way the smell of the lunch hall on certain days registers. He is not alarming in those ways.
He is, however, extremely tedious.
The thing he does, the main thing, is take objects and do something with them. This is the clearest pattern you have identified. An object is in your possession and then it is not. The mechanism varies but the structure is consistent.
In September it was your pencil case, briefly, before Miss Maximoff noticed. In October it was your lunch from the bench outside. Today, on the path through the forest, it is the dried bracket fungus you found on the north side of a fallen log and put in the outer pocket of your bagpack because it was too crumbly for your jacket pocket.
You had shown it to Miss Maximoff earlier in the morning. Ganoderma applanatum, you had told her. If you press your finger to the fresh underside it leaves a brown mark if not dried. People used to draw on them. She had looked at it with genuine interest, which is a different expression from performed interest and you can tell the difference reliably.
Leon takes it while you are looking at a hornbeam.
You had stopped because the hornbeam's bark does in fact have the rough quality you expected from the field guide description, and you are looking at the way the bark ripples over the underlying wood, the specific flow of it, when your backpacj shifts.
You look around. Leon is walking past with the fungus held between two fingers, and then he lets go of it, not quite a throw, more a release, and it spins into the undergrowth.
"Whoops," he says grinning.
Marcus makes a sound that is laughter. Dev looks at you for a half second and then at the ground. You look at where the fungus went. The undergrowth on the left side of the path here is dense with dead bracken. Retrieving the fungus, if it is even intact, would require going off the path, which is on the list of things you are not supposed to do on this trip and still you wander off most of the time..
You look at the hornbeam again.
"Carpinus betulus," you say. "Hornbeam. The bark is sometimes called muscled bark because of the way it looks. It is one of the hardest native woods in central Europe. The Romans used it for chariot wheels."
Leon is already walking away. Marcus follows. Dev follows Marcus.
You look at the bracken where the fungus went. You cannot see it. You note the loss and give it the weight it deserves, which is the weight of something unfortunate, and you put your hands in your jacket pocket and feel the quartz, grounding.
The hornbeam's bark is still very good.
You look at it for a while longer and then you follow the path.
———--
She had been watching.
She had been watching specifically because she had learned that the middle of the line was where Leon's group operated with the most confidence, far enough from the teachers at the front and from her at the back that the system felt unobserved.
She had positioned herself accordingly, hanging back from the main adult cluster to close the gap. She had been watching and she had still been thirty metres away when she saw the bagoack shift.
She saw Leon's hand. Saw the arc of the fungus into the bracken. Saw Marcus. Saw Dev's eyes go to y/n and away.
She was moving.
And then she stopped, because y/n had turned back to the tree and was looking at it with the same quality of attention they had been giving it before Leon arrived, and their voice, clear and carrying, was describing chariot wheels in a tone of genuine interest, and Leon was already walking away, and the moment had the particular quality of a situation that had occurred and been quietly filed and moved past.
She stood in the middle of the path.
The frustration moved through her like weather. She had a good relationship with her own feelings in the sense that she could identify them accurately and had developed, over time, reasonable methods of not acting from them before she was ready.
But this one, this specific one, was harder to process than most. It was not simple anger, though there was anger in it. It was the thing underneath anger. The knowledge that Leon had, again, looked at y/n and seen something worth diminishing, and that he had done it in the thirty seconds she had not been standing directly between them.
She looked at y/n, who was touching the
bark with two careful fingers and was, as far as she could tell, genuinely absorbed.
That was the thing she couldn't quite carry. Not that y/n was devastated. They manifestly were not devastated, or were not showing devastation, or were not processing what had occurred as an act of deliberate cruelty.
The gap. She had read about the gap. She understood the gap intellectually. Understanding it intellectually and watching it function in real time were different experiences.
She thought about Tony Stark, who had sat across from her at the December parents' evening with careful posture and carefully arranged confidence and said: we moved schools because we hoped things would be different.
And she had said: I hear you. And she had meant it. She was still meaning it, here on a forest path in October with leaf litter under her boots and a piece of bracket fungus somewhere in the bracken.
She walked to Leon's group. She was calm. She was specific. She did not perform anger because she did not need to, and because performing anger was less effective than the particular quality of clarity she had when she was very sure about something. She was very sure about this.
Leon looked at his boots. Good.
She noted it on the clipboard and moved to the back of the line.
Y/n had left the hornbeam and was walking again, hands in their jacket pockets, at their own unhurried pace, tilting their head at something on the right side of the path she couldn't yet see.
She fell in beside them without commentary.
"What is it?" she asked with caring interest.
"Lichen. Xanthoria parietina, I think. The yellow kind. It's a bioindicator. It grows better where the soil quality is good and also it can handle higher levels of certan chemicals. The forest has relatively high nitrogen deposition compared to other central European forests. That's probably why there's so much of it. It's very adaptable and tolerant plant."
She looked at the lichen. Orange-gold, crinkled like something hand-made, spreading across the bark in overlapping rounds.
You find the beetle at eleven forty-seven, which you know because of your watch.
It is an analogue watch, a birthday gift, with a case the colour of old copper and a second hand that makes a sound like a heartbeat if you hold it against your ear.
You check it regularly because knowing where you are in time is one of the methods you have developed for knowing where you are in general, the way a map organises space into something navigable. Time works the same way. Eleven forty-seven means forty-three minutes until lunch, means the morning is nearly done, means the quality of light should begin shifting toward noon directness within the next half hour.
The beetle is on the underside of a beech leaf.
You would have missed it entirely, because you are watching a woodpecker. You can hear it, a rapid percussion against a living branch somewhere in the middle canopy, a sound like something impatient and productive, and you have been tracking it by sound when the beech leaf at the edge of the path trembles. There is almost no wind today. That means something is moving on it.
You crouch. You lift the leaf's edge with one careful finger.
The beetle is approximately eighteen millimetres long and it is one of the best things you have ever seen. It is a rose chafer. Cetonia aurata. You know this from the field guide, which you have read more than once: the characteristic broad oval form, the smooth elytra with small pale markings, the distinctive V-shaped scutellum between the wing cases. But the field guide's photographs do not prepare you adequately for the colour.
It is not simply green. It is metallic and structural, shifting between emerald and bronze and gold depending on the angle, the kind of colour that is not pigment but light itself reorganised by the microscopic architecture of the cuticle.
Late October is at the very edge of their season, and finding one still active on a mild afternoon like this is unusual. You are aware of this. You file it accordingly.
You watch it for a long time.
The woodpecker continues in the background. The beetle investigates the leaf's edge with patient, deliberate steps. You are not moving.
Then you look up, and Miss Maximoff is coming back down the path from somewhere ahead, clipboard under her arm, and her cheeks are pink from the walking and there is a small leaf caught in her hair, just behind her left ear. A beech leaf, triangular, still with some yellow in it. She has not noticed it.
You stand up.
"Miss Maximoff," you call softly. Your voice comes out clearly, which is not always a given in open space with complicated acoustics.
She looks up immediately. Finds you with the quick directness she has always had when looking for you, not the brief searching delay most adults show. She walks toward you, reading your expression the way she reads your expression, which is not from the eyes but from somewhere else, the angle of your chin, the arrangement of your hands.
"What did you find, sweetheart?" she asks.
You show her your hand. The beetle is still there.
She leans in. The beech leaf in her hair trembles. A strand of her hair falls forward and she doesn't push it back.
"Oh," she says warmly.
It is the same sound you made when you found the sandstone. You notice this with something warm.
"Cetonia aurata," you explain. "Rose chafer. They're usually active from April through Septemer, so finding one now, this late in the season is quite good. The colour is structural, light diffracting through layered microscopic structures in the cuticle rather than pigment. It shifts depending on the angle. They feed on nectar and pollen, which makes them important pollinators. The larvae live in rotting wood and compost for two to three years before emerging. Thats very cool."
She is quiet for a moment.
"That's quite a thought," she hums with her full attention on you.
"You have a leaf in your hair," you acknowled simply as if it belong to your statement before, glancing at her.
She straightens. Reaches up. Finds it. She holds it out in front of her and looks at it. Beech leaf, small, pointed at the tip, yellow and brown at the margins, with the distinctive wavy edge that makes beech leaves identifiable even when they are nearly bare of colour.
"Thank you, love," she thansk you. She looks at it for a moment and then, instead of dropping it on the path, she hands it to you and you place it in your pocket of your jacket.
"The group is ahead," you note.
"It is," she agrees but redirects. "Tell me more about the beetle while we walk."
So you do. You tell her about the Scarabaeidae family and about the structural colour and about how rose chafers, unlike most beetles, can fly with their elytra closed, extending their hindwings through a notch at the side. She asks whether the iridescence occurs in other chafers or only this species. You tell her it occurs in several but that Cetonia aurata is one of the most vivid examples in central European fauna.
She asks what it eats. You tell her: nectar, pollen, the soft parts of flowers, occasionally fruit and tree sap. An important pollinator, especially for open flowers it can access with its mouthparts.
"Useful and beautiful"
"Most things are both," you smioe with a gentle voice. "Even tho most people don't few them as such.. Beauty is more than just conformity"
She makes the sound she makes when she is pleased, that soft exhale, almost nothing. You have heard it perhaps fifty times over the course of the year and you have kept count without intending to.
You walk the rest of the way to the group side by side, at your pace, and the woodpecker follows you for a while in the canopy above, its percussion going on and on like something that will never run out of reasons.
Lunch is at a clearing.
The clearing is larger than you expected, which is good, because forty children in a space that is too small produce a particular kind of ambient pressure that you have learned to manage but prefer not to need to manage. This clearing is large enough that you can sit at the edge of it, near the tree line, and have the space feel more like a choice than a compression.
You sit on a log.
The log is excellent. It is a fallen oak, very old, the bark mostly gone, the wood beneath in the process of becoming something more like earth than wood.
It has, at the near end, a cluster of small shelf fungi, in concentric rings of brown and cream and soft orange.
You eat your sandwich. Your mom had packed cheese and pickle, which you like, which she always packs because she pays attention to what you like, which is something you are quietly and specifically grateful for.
Miss Maximoff brings you a biscuit.
She appears beside you with the particular quietness she has developed around you, which you believe is deliberate and which you appreciate and she holds out a shortbread biscuit from the communal tin. She does not ask if you want it. She simply holds it out in a way that means: this is available and there is no obligation. You take it.
"Thank you," you whisper.
She sits on the log beside you. Not touching. A comfortable gap. She has her own lunch, a thermos and something wrapped in paper. She looks at the burrow entrance beneath the log that you watched.
"Something lives there?" she asks quietly.
"Something small," you answer. "The entrance width suggests wood mouse or common vole. I'm waiting to see which."
"We could be patient," she observed.
"We could," you beamend.
You eat the biscuit. It is very good. Butter and a slight sweetness and the specific texture of a thing made by someone who was paying attention. Around you the clearing continues being a clearing, forty children in their clusters and systems, the noise of it distributed and ambient and, from this distance, manageable. Here is a different kind of space.
"There," Miss Maximoff says, very softly.
A nose appears at the burrow entrance. Brown, pointed, twitching. Then a head. Large round ears.
"Wood mouse," you giggled. "The ears are too large for vole. And the nose is more pointed."
The mouse considers the air for a moment and then is gone.
She makes the sound. The soft exhale.
"Clever thing," she whispers with a smile and you are not entirely certain who she means.
You look at the clearing. The light has moved toward noon and is coming down more directly now, and where it hits the remaining leaves on the trees at the clearing's edge they look almost translucent, lit from behind, every vein visible. You think: this is a very good day. You file it carefully in the place you keep good days.
______
She had stayed longer than she needed to.
She knew this. She had tasks. She should be circulating, checking in, eating her own lunch somewhere that permitted her to monitor the group more broadly. She had done the circulating. She had done the checking in. She had eaten while walking, which was efficient.
And then she had come to the log at the tree line with the biscuit tin, which was also efficient (she told herself), had sat down and had watched a wood mouse emerge from a burrow.
She was not going to interrogate the efficiency too closely.
The truth was that the morning had been long in the specific way that required this: the particular combination of vigilance and frustration and the effort of staying level-voiced, precise while also feeling things she was not currently expressing. The log. The wood mouse. The way y/n described everything as though it mattered, because to them it did, because that was one of the things about y/n that made her chest do the thing it did.
Everything mattered. The geology mattered and the lichen mattered and the beetle's structural colour and the wood mouse's ear-to-nose ratio. The mattering was not selective or performed. It was simply how y/n moved through the world and it had a specific quality that she had not, in eleven months, become accustomed to. She suspected she would not become accustomed to it.
She looked at the clearing. Forty children, end of Year Five, a year nearly done. Some of them she would see again in September when they came back as Year Six. Some she would pass in hallways for years. And this one, who she would maybe not see in September, who would maybe have a different teacher and a different classroom, who would definitely carry their jacket pocket full of stones into some other year.
The thought arrived before she could manage it.
She ate the last of her lunch. She put the wrapper in her bag. Beside her y/n was watching the tree line, their hands in their lap, entirely at ease, as though the clearing and the log and the early afternoon were exactly sufficient, which perhaps they were.
She breathed. She was grateful, at least, for the wood mouse.
The afternoon path curves north and descends.
You know this from the map you studied before the trip: the forest sits on a sandstone ridge and the northern slopes drop toward a small seasonal stream, which runs over a gravel bed of mixed material, some local sandstone, some quartz, some material brought down from the ridge over many seasons. This is where you are going. You have been thinking about it since the bus.
The birches start halfway down the slope.
You had been told birches and you were prepared for birches but being prepared does not prevent the particular quality of arriving somewhere and finding it as you imagined, which is its own pleasure. The birch canopy is different from the oak canopy, thinner and more numerous, the light coming through in fragments rather than pieces, a kind of bright multiplication.
The bark is very white. Not like painted white or paper white but like something that has found a precise, specific whiteness through a process you can respect.
You are at the back of the group again. You are aware that you are at the back again and that this will probably concern Miss Maximoff and you make a note to stay closer to the main group once you have checked the stream bank. But the birch bark is asking to be looked at and you are looking at it.
It is small and clear and it runs over a pale gravel bed with an easy purposeful sound that you find very calming, the kind of sound that has a constant frequency and therefore requires no ongoing anticipation.
You crouch at the bank. The gravel here is mixed: grey quartzite, which you expected, some reddish sandstone and there, in the shallows where the current has deposited finer material, a piece of something greenish that stops you.
You reach in with two careful fingers.
The water is very cold.
The stone is roughly three centimetres across, greenish-grey, smooth from water transport. You turn it. The green is not surface colour, it goes through. Serpentinite, possibly. The colour is consistent with the minerals that produce serpentinite's characteristic colouring.
It is not native to this region, rare, which means it has been transported, possibly glacially, from a rock formation further north or east. A traveller stone as your mom called them. You hold it in your palm.
"That's interesting," you whisper, to the stone.
You set it on the bank beside you while you look at the rest of the gravel. More quartzite. A piece of what might be limestone if the colour and grain are right, which you will verify later. The stream's whirligig beetles are on the surface, spinning in their characteristic tight orbits.
You watch them. Their compound eyes are divided horizontally for simultaneous above-and-below vision, which seems like a great deal of information to process at all times.
You feel some solidarity with this.
Then Leon is beside you.
You hear him before you see him, the specific sound of his footsteps, which are louder than most people's because he does not pick his feet up enough. He and Marcus come through the birches and they see you at the stream and something happens between them that you register as a communication but do not fully translate in the moment. then Leon is crouching beside you and he picks up a flat stone from the bank and skips it, badly, into the middle of the stream. The whirligig beetles scatter.
"Did you see that?" he asks in a mocking way that you don't register as such.
"The physics of stone skipping requires a release angle between ten and twenty degrees and a rotational spin for stability," you ramble. "That stone's angle was probably closer to forty, which is why it sank on the first contact. Also the shape wasn't ideal. You want an oblate form, wider than it is thick."
Leon picks up the serpentinite piece. The one from the shallows. The traveller stone.
"What's this?" he asks.
"Serpentinite, possibly. Found it in the shallows. The colour comes from magnesium and iron silicates. It might have been transported here glacially, which would make it interesting geologically because it's not native to this-"
He throws it.
Not far. Not precisely. Just far enough. It lands in the water near the far bank with a small sound.
"Whoops," he laughs.
You look at where it went. The current over there is faster and the water is slightly deeper,. You could try. You think about trying. You think about the stone on its original formation somewhere north or east of here, the long transit, the stream bed, your two fingers in the cold water.
"The colour was quite specific," you sigh.
You stand up. You return to the main path.
______
She had seen it.
She had been watching the stream from the upper bank, having arrived before most of the group and positioned herself on a root that gave her a clear viewand she had seen the moment Leon's hand closed around the serpentinite stone and she had been moving down the slope when it hit the water.
She stopped. Breathed. Y/n was already standing, already walking back toward the path, their hands in their pockets, their face doing the thing it did when something had been filed. She watched them go. She watched Leon, who was telling Marcus something with an easy laugh.
The rage, when it came, was very clean. She had developed this, over the year, the ability to feel it cleanly, without the spilling edges that made it into something she couldn't use.
She walked to Leon. She was very calm. She was specific and thorough and she said everything that needed saying in a voice that did not need to be loud because it was already clear enough to carry without volume. She noted it on the clipboard. She said she would be calling his parents this week. She said she meant it, because she did.
Leon nodded at the ground. She sent him back to the group.
Then she stood at the stream bank by herself for a moment.
The water moved over its gravel without comment. The whirligig beetles had resettled, already back to their orbits, the disturbance absorbed. She looked at the far bank where the stone had gone.
She thought about what she asled y/n after every incident this year: are you alright, sweetheart?
And y/n had always said yes, which was true, which was also not the same as being alright in the way she wanted them to be alright. There was a difference between not being harmed in the way you understood harm and not being harmed. She knew this.
She was fairly certain y/n would come to know it too, in time and she did not know what to do with the fact that she would probably not be there when that happened.
She climbed back up the bank.
Y/n was twenty metres up the path, crouched beside something at the base of a birch tree. She could see them reach into the shallows of a secondary rivulet she hadn't noticed, a small channel that ran close to the path's edge. The edges of their pulled up pant legs were wet.
They had gone back for it. While she talked to Leon probably.
She stopped walking for a moment.
They had gone back for it, quietly, without commentary, while she was talking to Leon, and they had retrieved it and put it away with the others and they were now examining something in the rivulet with the same focused interest they had brought to everything all day.
She resumed walking. She did not say anything about the stone. Some things did not need commentary to be significant. She asked if they were cold but they only shortly complained about the now most socks.
The bus pulls into the school car park at four fourteen.
You know this from your watch, which has been reliable all day. You are among the last to exit because you are in the front row and the front row empties last, which means by the time you reach the door the car park has already sorted itself into its end-of-day patterns: parents and guardians in clusters near the gates, children migrating toward them in pairs and groups, the particular organised dispersal of a place that runs on schedule.
You stand on the pavement with your backpack and take a small inventory.
Jacket pocket: sandstone with rose quartz streak, small basalt, Devonian limestone fragment, serpentinite traveller stone (recovered), quartzite piece from the stream gravel. Five stones. Plus the beech leaf, which you are keeping flat between two pages of the field guide to protect it. A good total.
The school building is to your right. The playground runs along the south side of it, a narrow strip behind a low chain-link fence and you walk that way because the side gate is shorter and also because the gravel along the playground edge sometimes contains material displaced from the playing surface, which has, in the past, produced pieces of red sandstone with interesting iron inclusions.
The playground has lower-year children in it, Year Three or Four by the size of them, in the last stretch of their own school day. Some on the equipment, most in the self-organising clusters that children form when given open space. You walk alongside the fence.
The gravel here is mostly ordinary. Crushed granite aggregate, pale grey, standard. But near the second fence post, where the ground is slightly uneven and water has sorted the material, there is a cluster of rounder stones, not aggregate, actual rounded stones, the kind that come from riverbeds. You crouch.
One of them has a faint pink streak.
K-feldspar. Potassium feldspar, the pink variety, common enough but the colour is always worth noting, a rose-pink that is specific to its chemistry in the way that colours that come from elements are specific. You pick it up.
Six stones now, plus the leaf. That is a good collection for one day.
You straighten up and look at the playground. The children on the swings. The ones on the climbing frame. The ones in clusters on the tarmac, doing whatever they are doing together, laughing at something you cannot hear from this distance. The particular ease of people who know each other and know what to do with the space they are in.
You look at this for a while. You are not sure what you are looking for. Something to understand, maybe. Something to file correctly.
You do not feel sad about it, precisely. It is more like looking at a natural phenomenon you have not yet fully described. A thing that exists and that you observe and that you have not found the right framework for.
You put your hands in your pockets and feel the stones.
_____
She was standing at the playground fence when Peterson found her.
She had not intended to stop here. She had been doing the final count at the gates, which was technically already done by Ms. Bergmann and technically not her responsibility at this stage of the day and she had been checking it anyway, because she had not fully developed the capacity to leave things technically done by others. she had looked up at some point and noticed y/n at the fence.
She had watched them crouch. Stand. Look at the playground.
She was frowning. She realised she was frowning and didn't stop.
Y/n looked at the playground the way they looked at the bracket fungus and the lichen and the beetles: attentively, without self-consciousness. But this was different. The bracket fungus did not contain forty children playing together without noticing y/n standing at its edge. The lichen did not have a structure that y/n was not part of and that y/n seemed to be observing from a position of genuine distance.
She was still frowning when Peterson appeared beside her, which meant she had not heard him coming, which meant she had been more inside her own head than she realised.
"Difficult afternoon?" he asked gently.
She exhaled slowly. "Leon. Again. He threw something into the stream."
Peterson was quiet for a moment, looking at the playground.
"And y/n?" he asked, mustering her face.
"Went back and got it while I was dealing with him." She paused. "Without saying anything. Just retrieved it and put it away."
"Yes,that's y/n...." Peterson said. Just that.
She looked at y/n, who had found something else in the gravel and was crouching again, utterly absorbed. The quality of their aloneness was specific. Not unhappy, as far as she could read. Not distressed. But alone in a way that did not seem chosen so much as arrived at, the way the back seat of the bus was not chosen but arrived at.
"I keep thinking," she sighed with a hand gesture and then stopped.
"What do you keep thinking?" Peterson asked.
"That I should be doing something different. That if I were better at this, or more experienced, or if I had started differently in September, the class would..." She let it go. It was not a completable sentence. "They've been there a full year and the dynamic hasn't shifted. Leon is Leon but it's not only Leon, it's the whole group. They don't include y/n. They don't exclude y/n cruelly, mostly, they just don't include them. And I don't know how to change that without making it worse."
Peterson did not offer an easy answer. She had come to appreciate this about him.
"Come," he said. "Let's go to them. I want to show you something."
______
Peterson is walking toward you along the fence.
This is notable because Peterson does not usually come to the playground side of the building at the end of the day. His natural territory is the staffroom and the science corridor and occasionally, the car park where he parks a very old Citroën.
Miss Maximoff is with him, one step behind.
"Y/n," Peterson greets softly, when they arrive. His voice is the same as always, mild and unhurried, the voice of someone who has run out of reasons to speak faster than thought.
"Peterson," you greet back.
He looks at the gravel. Then at you. "Found anything good?"
"K-feldspar," you nid and hold it out. "Pink variety. From the playground gravel. It's not native to this region so it was probably quarried somewhere else and used as infill."
He takes it in his large, creased hands and turns it. He has the hands of someone who has handled a great many things over a great many years.
"The pink," he says. "That's chemical?"
"Potassium content. The potassium ions replace some of the aluminium in the crystal lattice and that changes how light interacts with it. It's called a substitution, in mineralogy. When one element substitutes for another and changes the whole colour."
Peterson looks at the stone for a long time. "I collected things too, when I was young. Stamps first, then coins. Then anything flat with text on it."
"That's a very specific category," you glance up at him.
"It is," he agrees with a smile. "Still have some of them. In a box somewhere." He hands the feldspar back. "What did you find today, altogether?"
So you tell him. You tell him about the sandstone, the rose quartz streak, the basalt, the Devonian limestone, the serpentinite traveller stone, the quartzite, the feldspar and the beech leaf, which you describe last, explaining that it is not a stone but that you are keeping it because it is a good specimen of Fagus sylvatica autumn colouration and also because you found it in Miss Maximoff hair.
Peterson's eyes move briefly to Miss Maximoff, who is standing beside him and then back to you with an expression you categorise as amused in a warm way.
"And the day?" he asks. "The forest?"
You consider.
"The rose chafer was the best part. Cetonia aurata, structural colour, very late in the season to still find one active. And the wood mouse at lunch. And the hornbeam bark." You pause. "The sandstone ridge is interesting geologically. Cretaceous. The whole forest is built on a Cretaceous sandstone layer and the stream has been cutting through it for thousands of years. You can see the layers in the bank."
"Could you show me?" Peterson asks.
You consider. "Not today. The stream is a kilometre in. But there are photographs in the geological survey maps of the region. I can bring one."
"Please do," he simply nods with asmile.
You look at Miss Maximoff, who has been quiet. She is watching you with the expression she sometimes has, the one that does not require anything, that does not perform engagement but is simply there, present, the way the good rocks are present: found, not constructed.
"You're quiet," you observe.
"I'm listening," she swallows with a small smile. "You're interesting to listen to, love."
You consider this with a shrug. "Most people don't think so," you state, not with sadness, as an observation.
Her expression shifts. Something in it. She opens her mouth and then closes it again.
"but I do think so," she smiles more certain now even tho there is something behind her eyes you can't pinpoint. "I think so very much."
You look at the playground. The swings are still going. The last child on the climbing frame is descending in that deliberate way children have when they are pretending they are not tired.
"Should we go in?" Peterson gently interrupts. "I believe there is biscuit tin in the staffroom we can steal."
"Biscuits are my favourite," your smile widens .
"I know," chuckles Miss Maximoff and smiles.
The staffroom is warm.
This is the primary fact about it: a warm, inhabited warmth, different from the classroom kind, the kind that belongs to a room that has been used for a long time for the purpose of recovering. It smells of coffee, paper and underneath both, the specific dry note of a place with too many books, which is a smell you do not mind.
You have been in the staffroom twice before. Both times with Miss Maximoff, both times briefly. Now Peterson has directed you to the corner of the brown sofa that is adjacent to the window, which means you can see the last light in the sky and the school car park, you can also see the biscuit tin, which is a green tartan tin.
You take one. Then, because Miss Maximoff holds the tin toward you again with the expression that means: you are allowed more, you take a second.
You arrange your stones on the sofa arm.
Six stones and the leaf. You organise them first by geological age, which requires estimation, then by colour, then you return to geological age because that arrangement has more information in it. The leaf you put at the end of the row, flat, the yellow corner facing up.
Miss Maximoff is at the small table across the room, talking to Peterson in the quiet way they talk when they are not excluding you but also not requiring you to participate. You eat your biscuit and watch the car park. Your father's car is not there yet. This is not a problem. They are usually here by four-thirty and it is currently four-twenty-two.
The radiator hums.
After a while Miss Maximoff comes and sits in the low chair near the sofa and she pulls it a few inches closer in the way she does, which has always made the space feel right-sized. She has her tea. Her cheeks are still pink. She looks at the stones on the sofa arm.
"Tell me about them," she smiles. "All of them, from the beginning."
So you do.
She listens.
She asks about the streak and you explain how quartz forms in fractures and cavities as silica-rich water cools and she follows it without losing the thread, which is one of the things about her that you appreciate, she does not lose threads.
"It's so dark," she musters.
"Fine-grained because it cooled quickly on the surface rather than underground. The crystals didn't have time to grow large. If the same magma cooled slowly underground it would become granite instead." You take it back and put it in its place.
"The limestone next. Devonian, probably, which would make it approximately three hundred and seventy million years old. Give or take."
She makes the face she makes at numbers like that. Not confusion. Something more like vertigo, but the good kind.
"Three hundred and seventy million," she repeats.
"The Devonian period. Before the dinosaurs. There were fish. Lots of fish. And the first forests, actually. The very first forests on land, starting in the Devonian. So this stone is older than forests."
"It's older than forests," she looks at you amazed. She looks at the limestone. "You are carrying something older than forests in your pocket."
"Yes," you agree. "I often do, when I go outside."
She laughs. Not the professional laugh, not the managed one. The real one, that comes from somewhere lower, that she doesn't always produce in classrooms.
You like that laugh. You add it to the count of things you have kept from this year.
You show her the next two stones. She compares them in her two hands, feeling the difference.
"And the feldspar," you begin. "From the playground gravel. Potassium substitution in the crystal lattice gives it the pink. My mother would like this one. She likes pink things." A pause. "She is going to ask me about the stones when I get home. She always asks."
"That's good," Miss Maximoff says softly. "That she asks."
"She remembers which ones I already have. So she doesn't say oh, another grey stone. She says: is this the same type as the one from March or different." You look at the sofa arm. "Dad pretends he can't tell them apart but I think he actually can. He just doesn't want to say something wrong."
Miss Maximoff is quiet for a moment.
"They love you very much," she whispers.
"I know," you smile, which is true. You do know. You have always known this with the same clarity that you know the Mohs hardness scale or the colour of shades: not because someone told you but because the evidence is consistent and sufficient.
Peterson has settled into the armchair with his own tea and is watching the car park with the comfortable inattentiveness of someone who is also paying full attention, which you have come to understand is one of his operating modes.
"Peterson," you hum.
"Yes?"
"The geological survey maps for the region. Can I bring one on Monday?"
"You can bring it to my office and we can look at it together," he nods.
"I would like that," you smile contentedly
Outside, a car pulls into the car park.
______
She recognised the car before y/n did, or before y/n said anything.
A black sleek car, precise and clean in the way that spoke of someone who had opinions about maintenance schedules. It turned into the car park at four twenty-nine, which was, Wanda noticed, exactly one minute before the time Pepper Stark had said they would arrive, which she had also noticed about Pepper Stark in every interaction they had had, which was that she was exactly as precise as she appeared to be.
Y/n was already on their feet, stones back in their pocket, the leaf held carefully between two fingers.
"They're here," they acknowledged. With no particular drama. Simply a fact, documented.
They all walked out.
Pepper Stark stepped out of the passenger side before the car had fully stopped, which was the only imprecise thing Wanda had ever seen her do and when y/n came through the school's side door she closed the remaining distance quickly and crouched down and said something that Wanda did not catch. Y/n said something back, already reaching into their pocket.
The stones came out.
All of them. One by one, held out for Pepper to examine, each with its name and origin, and Pepper took each one in turn, held it, looked at it, asked questions that were real questions. Wanda watched from the door. Y/n's voice had changed, slightly, the way it sometimes changed when they were at full ease, a fraction less careful, a fraction more rapid, the sentences coming closer together.
Tony Stark had come around from the driver's side. He stood with his hands in his pockets and watched his child repeat the Cretaceous geology of this region to his wife. his face was doing something complicated, which Wanda had also come to expect from Tony Stark, who wore complexity as naturally as other people wore neutral expressions.
He looked at Wanda and Peterson.
"Good day?" he asked. He said it in the tone of someone asking a real question who was also not entirely sure they wanted a real answer. The tone of someone who had asked this question before and received answers that required careful management.
Wanda opened her mouth.
She thought about the seed pod. The fungus. The serpentinite in the deeper water. She thought about Leon's easy laugh and Dev's eyes going to the ground and the particular quality of the empty seat beside y/n on the bus. She had things she needed to address, things she had been composing in the back of her mind for the walk back, about the incident reports and the pattern and what she was planning to do next. she had opened her mouth to say them because it was the right thing to do, it was her responsibility, she should be the one to say them.
Peterson was faster tho: "A full and productive day. Y/n has made quite a collection."
She closed her mouth.
Tony looked at Peterson with the expression of a man recalibrating. Peterson had a specific effect on people, Wanda had noticed, a kind of grounding quality, a weight that settled conversations.
"The geological survey for our region is, I understand, quite interesting," Peterson continued, mildly. "Y/n has offered to bring the relevant maps on Monday. I intend to hold them to it."
Something shifted in Tony Stark's posture. A small thing. But she noticed.
Pepper was still looking at the serpentinite, turning it in the car park light. "This one is green," she said to y/n. "Is that the magnesium?"
"And iron," y/n nodded. "Both. The ratio affects the exact shade."
"This is the one you told me about?" Pepper asked, when y/n began to answer, she caught Wanda's eye over y/n's head and smiled. A small smile, with something in it. She gave the smallest nod toward Peterson.
And quietly, in a voice that was nearly swallowed by the afternoon car park noise, she said: "Thank you."
Wanda nodded.
Tony gave her a long look. Not warm, not cold. Assessing. He had the look of a man who had not received consistently good news from schools and who had developed a corresponding policy. Then he nodded, once, turned to collect his child, who was still explaining the Devonian period to Pepper with the full commitment of someone who had just remembered that three hundred and seventy million years deserved a proper introduction.
The car pulled out at four thirty-seven.
Wanda watched it go.
The staffroom was quieter now.
Ms. Bergmann had gone. Mr. Okafor had gone. The fifth teacher whose name Wanda still needed to commit to memory had gone.
The coffee machine on the counter made its occasional cooling tick, the radiator maintained its reliable background hum. Peterson was in the armchair again with a fresh cup of tea and the particular air of someone who had nowhere to be that was more important than here.
Wanda sat on the sofa. In the spot where y/n had sat. She was aware of this and did not move.
"I should have said something to Tony," she sighed with a rub on her forehead.
"Should you have?" Peterson asked, without argument.
"About the incidents. Leon. It's documented. He needs to know."
"He will be informed formally, through the proper process," Peterson stated. "Which you will do on Monday. Tonight, he needed to see his child happy and talking about rocks."
She looked at her hands. "I don't know if that was my decision to make."
"It was a shared decision," Peterson said, "made in approximately two seconds by two reasonably experienced people. The outcome was adequate. Don't audit it."
She almost smiled. "You do that thing," she said. "Where you make the right call sound obvious."
"It's a trick. It seems obvious in retrospect." He set his cup down. "Tell me what's actually troubling you, Wanda. Not the incidents. Underneath them."
She was quiet for a moment. The radiator hummed.
"I don't know if I did it right," she swallowed. "Any of it. The whole day. Leon and the fungus. Leon and the stream. I was positioned wrong twice. I was watching and I still wasn't close enough, the thing is I can't always be right next to them. I can't shadow y/n through every moment without that becoming its own problem. There's a balance and I don't know if I found it today."
Peterson looked at her.
"With the stream," she continued, "I got there and it was already done. Y/n was already walking away. And I had this moment where I was going to intervene and then I thought. Do I do it in front of them? Do I do it out of their hearing? If I make it into something, does that make it harder for y/n? If I don't make it into something, does Leon learn nothing?" She paused. "I took Leon aside. I was firm. I think I was right to do it that way. But I keep going over it."
"That particular sequence of decisions," Peterson began, "was sound. You protected y/n's dignity, you addressed the behaviour privately and specifically and you documented it for follow-up. There is no version of that you should revise."
She exhaled.
"The harder question," his voice shifted slightly, not harder, but more careful, the voice he used for things that required precision, "is the one underneath that. You're not really asking about Leon's tactics. You're asking whether you can protect y/n from the accumulated effect. And the answer to that is no. You cannot."
She looked at him.
"What you can do,you are doing. You are observant and you respond well, you have created a relationship with that child that is, in my experience, very rare. But the dynamic with the peer group. The empty seat. That is not a problem you can resolve by better positioning on a forest path."
"I know that," she blinked. "Rationally I know that."
"And less rationally?"
"Less rationally I keep thinking that if I were more..." She stopped. "Better. If I were better at this."
Peterson was quiet for a moment. He looked at the window.
"Let me tell you something about y/n,. And I want you to hear it as data, not comfort. Do you understand the distinction?"
"Yes," she nodded.
"Good. Here is the data: y/n showed me six objects today. They named each one correctly, gave its geological context, described its origin. They remembered which one I would find most interesting and led with that." He paused. "They do not do this with most people. They showed Ms. Bergmann a beetle this morning and she said 'how nice' and moved on, and y/n did not offer anything further. They showed you the same beetle and you asked about the luminous colours and they explained thin-film interference."
She remembered the beetle. The shifting green and gold on the leaf.
"The difference between those two interactions," Peterson continued"is not the beetle. It is what y/n concluded about who was worth continuing to talk to. And they concluded that you were. That is not a small thing. That is, in fact, the largest thing a child like y/n can give to an adult. It is the decision to trust that someone will follow where they lead."
She was quiet now.
"You have had this from them for eleven months. From essentially the first week of term. That does not happen by accident."
"It doesn't mean the peer group situation is resolved," she interrupted with frustration.
"No. It does not. I am not telling you the situation is resolved." He looked at her steadily. "I am telling you that one of the things you are doing right, you are doing very right. And that you should know this, because you clearly don't."
She looked at the sofa arm where the stones had been. Six indentations, barely visible, in the worn corduroy.
"They noticed I was quiet at the playground," she thought out loud. "They said: you're quiet. And I answered: I'm listening. You're interesting to listen to."
"And what did they say?"
"They said: most people don't think so. And I said-..." She stopped with another hand gesture that portrayed frustration.
"What did you say?" Peterson asked.
"I said: I think so. I think so very much."
Peterson nodded. Once, slowly.
"That," he pointed, "is the thing I mean. That is the thing you are not giving yourself credit for."
She picked up her tea. It had gone cold. She drank it anyway.
"There's something else,"
"Something I don't know how to say without it sounding-" She found the word she wanted. "Selfish."
"Try," Peterson looked at her.
"They're going into Year Six in September. In worst case a Different teacher. Different classroom. I've been thinking about how to write the handover notes, what to include, how to make sure whoever takes the class understands..." She stopped. "I've been writing them in my head since August, essentially. I want them to be perfect. I want the next potential teacher to see what I see."
"That is not selfish," Peterson smiled. "That is exactly what a good handover requires."
"And I also keep thinking that whoever it is probably won't." She said it flatly. "Not because they're not good. But because what I see is the result of eleven months of paying a specific kind of attention that I built over time. You can't write that into a document."
Peterson considered this.
"No," he sighed. "You can't. But you can write enough that the next teacher has a better starting point than you had. And the teacher after that has a better starting point still. And eventually, over years, the accumulated knowledge of how to be around y/n is somewhere in the school's institutional memory." He paused. "That is not nothing, Wanda. That is, in fact, how things improve."
She thought about September. The first week. The day she had sat across from y/n for the first time and y/n had looked at her collar and said: the patterning on your scarf is consistent with a textile technique called supplementary weft, it's used in central Asian weaving traditions
"I'll write the best handover notes I've ever written," she decided.
"I know you will," Peterson looked at her with ease.
The radiator hummed. The staffroom settled around them. Outside the window the car park was empty and the October sky had gone from its thin cold blue to the first deepening toward dark, the streetlights along the school road beginning their slow warm ignition.
"The beech leaf," Wanda continued, after a while. "I put it in my pocket and they filed it. I could see them file it."
"Filed under what, do you think?" Peterson asked.
She thought about it.
"Good things," she said. "I think they have a place they keep things that are good."
"Yes," said Peterson. "I think they do too."
She finished the cold tea. She set the cup down. She looked at the sofa arm where the stones had been.
"Thank you,For today. For the playground. For-" She gestured vaguely at the staffroom. "This."
"I've done very little," he laughed warmly. "You did the day. I only walked to the fence with you."
"That was enough"
Outside, a car passed along the school road. The streetlights were fully on now. The October evening had arrived, quiet and specific, with that particular density that October evenings have, as though the dark is not an absence but a thing that comes with weight and texture.
Wanda picked up her coat. Peterson remained in the armchair with the comfortable permanence of something that had been in the same spot for a long time and intended to remain there.
"Monday,"
"Monday," he agreed. "And the geological survey."
She smiled. She put her coat on. She picked up the clipboard, all present, all returned and she walked to the door and paused.
"Peterson," she looked back.
He looked at her.
"Do you think they'll be alright? In the end. In the long run."
He took his time. He had the manner of someone who understood that taking time was not avoidance but accuracy.
"I think," he starts, "that y/n will be exactly what y/n is. Which is a great deal." He looked at the window. "I know a man in Copenhagen who collects beetles professionally and emails me photographs. He was very like y/n, once. He sends quite beautiful photographs."
She stood in the doorway.
"That's not a guarantee," she frowned.
"No. It is a data point." He picked up his tea. "Go home, Wanda. The day is done."
She went and her gut feeling was mostly good now.
Is your current story gonna have more parts? I'm starting part 2 😌 I hope they kiiiiiiss
Helloooo my sweetheart ❤️ Ofcourse! I do this for lovely people like yourself dear 🫂 (and because I live for the praise😅 but you already know that don’t you ^^)
Im not sure if I’m gonna continue because as always my patience only lasts for a second of hyperfocus and then I suddenly have a new idea 😂 buuuut maybe I will. Do you have any suggestions or ideas?
Well, there isn't a rule about it so if it helps you to write then you can have 43 WIP fanfictions and not finishing any of them 😌
I'm just here to enjoy it, if a story doesn't move you anymore then just start over with something else. Maybe it is the freedom of expressing yourself the way for you to find the story that you would certainly love to write it in a more deep and tricky way, with lots of chapters and a whole storyline. Or maybe that's not your purpose at all, but guess what? Enjoy it and do what makes you happy 😊
As for suggestions....Wanda needs help with something that broke so she calls her cute neighbour to fix it 😏😈
Oh WOW, I almost drooled on the floor (not just from my mouth I’d say😩)
This was… this, holy, this is something I’ll definitely dream about, oh god. Babe you gave me the best idea I had in a while! It’ll take me some time but I’ll DEFINITELY write about this! 🫣😩🙌🏻
Is your current story gonna have more parts? I'm starting part 2 😌 I hope they kiiiiiiss
Helloooo my sweetheart ❤️ Ofcourse! I do this for lovely people like yourself dear 🫂 (and because I live for the praise😅 but you already know that don’t you ^^)
Im not sure if I’m gonna continue because as always my patience only lasts for a second of hyperfocus and then I suddenly have a new idea 😂 buuuut maybe I will. Do you have any suggestions or ideas?
Summary: Some people walk into your life quietly. She walked into the back corner of a dusty bookshop on a tuesday afternoon, listened to you hum three bars of an operetta you thought no one could hear and handed you a card like it was nothing.
It was not nothing. You told yourself.
Until it was the beginning of something you’d spent years making sure couldn’t happen anymore.She doesn’t explain herself. She doesn’t have to.
She just opens the door and waits and somehow that’s worse than any demand she could have made.
Many evenings. A rehearsal room. A piano that’s starting to feel like it belongs to both of you.
Something building in the space between correction and care, between again and the way she says your name.
You keep telling yourself you know exactly what this is.
You’re starting to think she knows something you don’t.
Warnings: hurt/comfort, slowburn, dominance, fights, past trauma, family issues, angst, perfomance fright, abandonment issues
Words: about 15k
A/n: Also I didn´t correct read after inserting it here from my notes app. I did get some kind of warning (4096 text block or something) so I sadly have to split it. So if anything is missing or you notice something odd/unfitting please let me know! Sadly I can´t post it as one long full story as I planned, tumbler won´t let me.This is part two I promised you all right away.
Looking forward to yalls feedback because writing this massive Chonker was a pain in the ass, even tho it´s one of my fav stories of mine so far.
The bell above the door rang softly, a sound that belonged more to habit than interruption and Rosie looked up the way she always did: unhurried, attentive, already halfway into whatever story the day was about to offer her.
Then her expression shifted.
Not surprise, exactly. Recognition.
Wanda Maximoff.
For a brief moment, something like careful assessment passed behind Rosie's eyes, the kind of instinct people develop when they've lived long enough to notice when someone is carrying more than they are saying. Then it softened again, settling into polite warmth.
"Miss Maximoff," she said gently, as though the name itself was something she had handled before and knew how to place back on the shelf without damaging it. "What a surprise."
Wanda returned the greeting with a small, controlled nod. Her coat was still on, though slightly more open than usual, as if she had not decided yet whether she was staying or leaving again immediately.
"I hope I'm not interrupting," Wanda said.
Rosie gave a small, almost dismissive wave of her hand.
"You're in a bookshop, dear. Interruptions are rather the point."
It might have been a joke, but it was delivered with the kind of calm sincerity that made it feel like a truth instead.
Wanda hesitated only a fraction before continuing.
"I was looking for someone," she said.
Rosie's gaze sharpened slightly at that.not intrusive, but precise.
There was a pause. Wanda did not elaborate, and Rosie did not press. Instead, she simply turned slightly, as if considering the room itself might contain the answer.
"Ah," Rosie said at last. "Yes. I thought as much."
That made Wanda's eyes flick back to her.
"Have you seen them?"
Rosie did not answer immediately. Instead, she stepped away from the counter, moving with the slow familiarity of someone who knew exactly where they were going without needing to rush it. She adjusted a small stack of returned books, more out of habit than necessity.
"Not recently," she said finally. "But I would have been surprised if I had."
Wandas eyes sharpened, not intrusively, not unkindly, but with a quiet precision.
There it is.
She waited for another moment and studied Wanda for a moment longer than politeness required, as if weighing something that had nothing to do with the question itself.
Then, gently she continued:
"Not for a few days actually."
Wanda absorbed that without visible reaction. Only a slight shift in her gaze, something calculating and then discarding possibilities.
"I see." Wanda sighed.
Rosie watched her.
There was something in the way Wanda said it, not dismissal, not indifference. Something closer to quiet confirmation of a pattern she had already begun to suspect.
Rosie wiped her hands lightly on a cloth, though there was nothing on them that required it.
Then, with a small tilt of her head:
"You're not here for a book, are you, dear."
It wasn't a question.
Wanda allowed the faintest exhale.
"No."
A pause.
"I would like to speak with y/n, I need them to hear something."
Rosie's expression softened,not in response to the words themselves, but to the shape of them. The absence of defensiveness. The absence of anything resembling irritation.
She nodded once, slow and thoughtful.
"Come," Rosie said then, gently.
Wanda blinked, just slightly.
Rosie was already stepping out from behind the counter.
"Come sit," she added, motioning toward the small area near the back shelves. "We won't find them any faster by standing here, and you look like someone who could do with a cup of tea."
There was something in the phrasing,matter-of-fact, quietly insistent, that did not leave much room for refusal without making one.
Wanda considered her for half a second.
Then she followed.
The chairs were exactly as they had been before. Worn, comfortable, placed in that particular angle that made conversation feel less like an exchange and more like a shared space.
Rosie disappeared briefly and returned with two mugs, steam rising gently from both.
She pressed one into Wanda's hands with the same gentle certainty as before, twelve weeks back.
"Careful," she said. "It's hot."
Wanda accepted it automatically.
"Thank you."
Rosie settled into her chair with a small, satisfied sigh, as though the arrangement of tea and seating had already improved the situation in some minor way.
For a moment, neither of them spoke.
Rosie let the silence sit, nit empty, but open.
Then, quietly:
"You're looking for them," she stated as I've she is going through the facts.
Wanda met her gaze.
"Yes."
No elaboration, soft yet direct.
Rosie nodded, as if that was sufficient.
"And you haven't been able to reach them."
It wasn't framed as a question, but Wanda answered anyway.
"No."
A pause.
Rosie lifted her mug, took a small sip, and regarded Wanda over the rim with the kind of attention that did not pry, but did not miss much either.
"You don't strike me as someone who chases without reason," she said tilting her head with a curious smile.
Wanda's fingers tightened slightly around the ceramic. Barely noticeable. Still there and with a a small huff the left corner of her lips twitched into a smile that was barely visible.
"I don't," she replied.
Rosie hummed softly, as if that confirmed something.
Another small pause.
Then, with quiet care:
"May I ask what happened?"
Wanda did not answer immediately, the lip drop down the few millimetres again and for a second she glanced at her cup, taking in a sharp breath.
Not because she was searching for the truth but because she was choosing which version of it could exist outside of her.
"There was a conversation," she said finally, looking back up with a straight back and her usual professional confidence. "It did not... go as intended."
Rosie's mouth curved very slightly, not in amusement, but in recognition.
"They rarely do," she said with a ease that seems unshakable.
Wanda almost smiled at that again. Almost. Instead she exhaled with a quiet amused beste through her nose.
"I may have misjudged what was required of me in that moment."
That was as close as she came to admission.
Rosie let the words settle.
Then she set her mug down, folding her hands lightly in her lap.
It was as if she decided Wanda was worthy. Worthy of knowing she never shared before.
"They've been coming here since they were very young," she said, shifting the conversation without breaking it. "Eight, maybe nine already. Always drawn to the same things. Music, theatre. Anything that moved."
Wanda listened.
"Very good ear," Rosie continued. "Picked things up quickly. Too quickly, sometimes. The kind of talent that doesn't ask permission before it exists."
A pause. A sad sigh that seemed so foreign out of Rosie's lips.
"But life..." Rosie agin sighed softly. "Life does not always arrange itself around talent."
Wanda's gaze dropped briefly to her tea.
Rosie continued, quieter now.
"Their parents separated. Not cleanly. Not kindly. There was a younger sibling." She tilted her head slightly. "You can imagine how that changes priorities especially because the grownups seemed to have forgotten. They stepped into a position that is far to big for a child."
Wanda could.
She said nothing.
"They stopped coming as often after that," Rosie said. "Not all at once. Just... less. Bit by bit. The way people let go of something they loved without ever deciding to."
The room was very still.
Rosie's voice softened further.
"Shortly before all that happened, They had an opportunity, once," she added. "A very good one. Auditioned. Got in."
Wanda's eyes lifted.
Rosie met them.
"And then they didn't go."
A quiet statement. No drama. No emphasis.
Just fact.
Wanda felt something shift behind her sternum. Not surprise, she had already suspected something like this. But the confirmation carried weight.
"Responsibility never designed for a child, came first," Rosie said. "It had to. There wasn't anyone else to carry it."
Another pause.
"And after a while... dreams start to feel like something you're not supposed to have anymore. When they turned fifteen they came here more often again, maybe as a rebellion but it turned into something meaningful. Now they're one of my friends that stroll by almost daily."
Wanda exhaled slowly, almost imperceptibly.
Rosie watched her carefully now.
"So when someone like that disappears," she continued, "it usually isn't because they don't care."
"It's because they care too much."
Silence settled again, thicker this time.
Wanda's thumb traced once along the rim of her mug.
"I thought," she said, very evenly, "that they required... encouragement."
Rosie's expression softened in a way that was both kind and unyielding.
"They might have," she agreed. "At some point.".
"But encouragement and pressure are not always the same thing, dear."
Wanda did not respond. for the first time since a long while she wasn't feeling like an authority, like the strict professor that guides others with a steady hand, who is the one offering guidance and advice.
Rosie didn't push further. She didn't need to.
Instead, she reached for something beneath the counter, retrieving a small paper bag.
"They ordered this," she said, placing it gently on the table between them. "Haven't come to collect it yet."
Wanda looked at it.
Rosie hesitated for a moment, then added:
"If you'd like to leave something..."
Wanda reached into her coat.
She took out a card first. Then paused.
The card felt insufficient.
She set it aside.
Instead, she asked for a pen.
Rosie handed it to her without comment.
Wanda wrote carefully, deliberately. Not many words. Just enough.
When she finished, she folded the note once and placed it beside the bag.
Her fingers rested there for half a second longer than necessary.
Then she withdrew her hand.
Rosie nodded, as though something had been properly completed.
"I'll make sure they get it," she assured with a gentle smile.
Wanda stood up and straightened again, a smile adorning her lips.
"Thank you," she said, and this time the words carried something quieter beneath them. Not quite gratitude alone. Something closer to acknowledgment.
Rosie inclined her head.
"I expect you will see them again," she said gently. Wanda paused and with a smile she answered.
"Do you."
Rosie smiled, small and certain.
"Yes."
"They always come back here, eventually."
______
Two days later, the bell rang again.
Rosie didn't look up immediately.
She already knew.
Still, she did.
And there you were.
There was something different about you, not in any obvious, declarative way. You looked the same. Moved the same.
But something had withdrawn slightly. Or perhaps folded inward.
Rosie took that in without remark.
"Well," she said warmly, as if you had only been gone an afternoon, as if she was expecting your arrival. "There you are."
You nodded, setting your bag down with the quiet efficiency of someone who intended to keep the interaction brief.
"I came to pick up the book I ordered."
"Of course you did," Rosie said, already turning to retrieve it.
She placed the paper bag on the counter.
Then, just beside it
The note.
Your eyes flicked to it.
Rosie watched you, not intrusively, but with the quiet attention of someone who knew exactly what she was placing in front of you.
"Your teacher was here," she said, gently.
"Miss Maximoff."
"I hope things are going well between you," she added, with the kind of careful neutrality that suggested she knew they might not be, but had chosen not to assume.
Silence.
The note sat between you and the counter like something with its own gravity.
Rosie said nothing more.
She didn't need to.
Rosie did not immediately move.
She watched you instead, properly now, not with the light, passing attention of someone greeting a regular, but with the steadier, older kind, the kind that had measured you in inches over years and knew, instinctively, when something had shifted even slightly out of place.
The bell was still settling behind you. The shop held that quiet it always did in the late afternoon, warm and patient, the dust in the air catching the low light like something suspended.
You had one hand still on the strap of your bag. The other slouched at your feed, empty and seemingly forgotten.
Rosie tilted her head, she knew this was a lot and she knew you well enough to know you're hurting in some way even tho it was never explained to her fully, not by you nor by Wanda. But that wasn't necessary.
"Well," she said, gently, trying to interrupt your mind as you still stare at the paper. "that's a face I haven't seen in a little while."
You made a small sound that might have been agreement. Or deflection. It lived somewhere between the two. You decided to answer but deflecting it to a different understanding of her words. You lift your head and look at her, the carefully filed paper forgotten for a moment.
"Been busy." You answer as you lift your empty back, that you took with you for the book.
"Mhm," she replied, in the tone that meant she had heard the words and was not particularly invested in them. Her gaze softened slightly, not pressing, but not letting go either. "And how have you been, love?"
"Fine," you said, with the clean efficiency of someone closing a door.
Rosie let that sit for exactly the amount of time it needed to reveal itself for what it was. Then she nodded once, as though accepting a version of the truth she knew was incomplete but not yet ready to be expanded.
"Well," she said, brightening just enough to shift the air, " you know I've got something for you and it won't vanish by ignoring it." Her smile was soft and almost teasing.
She moved her hand onto the paper with the familiar rhythm of long habit, placing two fingers onto it and pushing it towards you. After that she waited for a second before she placed your ordered book beside it. Innocently she continued.
"You came at just the right time. Was starting to think I might have to chase you down the street with it."
You took it automatically, your fingers brushing the paper, registering the weight without quite processing it.
"Thanks."
You took the note after carefully placing away your book.
It was simple. Plain paper, folded once. Your name on the outside, written in a hand you recognized immediately, not because you had seen it often, but because it carried the same quality everything about her did. Precise. Unhurried. Entirely certain of itself.
Something in your chest tightened, small and immediate.
Rosie said nothing.
You opened it.
I want to apologise and I need you to hear something. Only listen and you can leave afterwards if you'd still like to.
You know where to find me.
No signature.
It didn't need one.
You stood very still for a moment, the note held between your fingers, your eyes resting on the words as though they might rearrange themselves into something easier.
They didn't.
Rosie moved then, quietly, setting the kettle on without asking, the small, familiar ritual unfolding around you with the steadiness of something that had existed long before this moment and would continue long after it.
"You look like you've been thinking too much lately," she observed gently.
You let out a breath through your nose that resembled a tired laugh.
"That obvious?" You lifted your eyes to meet hers.
"Only if you know what to look for," she said, reaching for two mugs. "Which I do sweetheart"
She poured the water, the soft sound of it filling the space between you, and then she set one mug in front of you with the same gentle insistence she always had.
"Drink," she said. "Helps with thinking. Or at least slows it down enough to make it tolerable."
You wrapped your hands around the mug, more for something to hold than anything else.
Your eyes drifted back to the note.
Rosie settled onto her stool, watching you over the rim of her own tea.
"She came by, you know."
You didn't look up.
"I figured."
"She asked about you."
That made something flicker, small and unwelcome.
You kept your gaze on the paper.
"What did you tell her?"
"The truth," Rosie said simply. "That I hadn't seen you. That you'd been coming here for years and disappearing for days at a time was not exactly unusual." A pause. "That you were the sort of person who needed a little space when something important was happening."
You let out a quiet breath.
"That sounds like you're giving me more credit than I deserve."
Rosie smiled, soft and knowing.
"No, love," she said. "That sounds like I've been paying attention."
Silence settled again, but it was a different kind now. Not empty. Not uncomfortable. Just... present.
„Anything else?"
Rosie waited another second to respond to that. „What she deserved knowing in order to understand"
Your jaw tightened and your eyes flicker up, betrayal lingering in them for a split second. „Rosie..." you whispered almost in a disappointed manner. But Rosie was unphased and instead caressed your cheek with the back of her hand once.
„Darling I know it's hard and I didn't say more than I needed to. But she tries really hard to help. But if she doesn't know she'll run into the wrong direction, just like she did"
„She told you?"
„She didn't need to. I can see that myself, I don't need to know what wrong path she seeked in that moment. Whatever it was, pushing, motivation, laziness. I wanted her to understand because I know she'll use it wisely to help you."
She didnt need to say more and after a sigh you nodded. You weren't mad, not anymore.
You turned the note over between your fingers, as though there might be something written on the back if you looked at it long enough.
There wasn't.
Rosie watched you for another moment. Then she leaned forward slightly, resting her elbows on the counter.
"Can I tell you something?" she asked.
You glanced up, wary.
"That depends," you said with a tired smile
She smiled again, smaller this time.
"On whether you're willing to hear it?"
You hesitated. Then gave a small, noncommittal nod.
Rosie took that for what it was.
"You've always been very good," she began, "at deciding something matters... and then finding a way to make it not matter before it has the chance to disappoint you."
You stilled, it hit the same spot Wanda did but from a different direction.
It wasn't said unkindly. There was no accusation in it. Just a quiet, careful observation, placed between you like something fragile.
You looked back down at your tea.
"That's not-"
"It is," she said gently, not interrupting so much as finishing the thought for you. "And I understand why. Truly, I do." A pause. "You've had to, haven't you."
You didn't answer.
Rosie didn't ask you to.
She let the silence hold for a moment, then continued, softer now.
"But sometimes," she said, "the thing you're protecting yourself from... isn't the thing that's actually going to hurt you."
Your fingers tightened slightly around the mug.
"And sometimes," she added, "not trying is the thing that does."
You swallowed.
Your eyes drifted, almost against your will, back to the note in your hand.
You know where to find me...
It was such a simple sentence. No pressure. No explanation. No demand.
Which somehow made it worse.
Because it left the choice entirely with you.
Rosie followed your gaze.
"She seemed like someone who knows what she's looking at," she said quietly. "Not the sort to waste her time."
You let out a small, humorless breath.
"Yeah," you murmured. "That's kind of the problem."
Rosie tilted her head.
"Is it? I think she sees in you more than just your voice."
You didn't answer.
Because the answer, if you were being honest, was complicated.
You stayed a little while longer. Long enough to finish your tea. Long enough to let the quiet settle back into something familiar.
You didn't talk about it again.
When you left, Rosie pressed your shoulder lightly as you passed.
"Whatever you decide," she said, "just make sure it's actually your decision."
You nodded.
You weren't entirely sure what that meant yet.
At home, the flat felt smaller than usual.
Not physically. But in the way spaces do when your thoughts have outgrown them.
You set the book on the table without unwrapping it.
The note stayed in your hand for a moment longer before you placed it beside the sink, as though proximity to something practical might reduce its significance.
It didn't.
You moved through the evening with a kind of restless precision, doing things because they needed doing, not because you were particularly invested in them. Dinner. Dishes. A half-hearted attempt at reading that resulted in you turning the same page three times without absorbing a word.
Your attention kept drifting.
Back to the note.
Back to her.
Back to that last session: the way the room had felt, the sharpness of the words, the way something in you had closed the moment it had been pushed too far.
You exhaled, leaning back in your chair.
"She was right," you muttered to the empty room, admitting what burned like acid.
Which was the worst part.
Because she had been right.
Just... not in the way she had delivered it.
You rubbed your face with your hands, dragging them down slowly.
You could still hear it. Her voice. The exact phrasing. The precision of it.
The way it had landed.
And beneath that, the other thing.
The thing you hadn't said.
That you hadn't known how to say.
That it wasn't about unwillingness.
It was about fear.
The old one. The familiar one.
The one that had been there long before her.
You stood, restless, crossing the small space to the window. The city outside was dimming into evening, lights coming on in staggered patterns, people moving through the streets with purpose you did not currently possess.
You stayed there for a while.
Thinking.
Not thinking.
Circling the same few points without landing on any of them.
Eventually, your gaze dropped back to the table, where the note lay exactly where you had left it.
You let out a slow breath.
"She's not even asking," you said under your breath.
And that, somehow, made it harder.
Because if she had asked, if she had pushed, you could have pushed back. You could have resisted. You could have framed it as something external.
But this?
This was quiet.
This was open.
This was... yours.
The decision.
You stayed up later than you meant to.
When you finally went to bed, sleep came in fragments, your mind catching on the same loop over and over: her voice, Rosie's words, the feeling in your chest when something had worked, really worked, before everything had gone sideways.
Morning didn't clarify anything.
Neither did the next day.
You went to work. You moved through it. You completed tasks. You responded to things.
You thought about the note between emails.
Between conversations.
Between everything.
By the time you got home, you were tired in that particular way that comes from thinking too much about something without resolving it.
You stood in the doorway of your flat for a moment, keys still in your hand.
Then you exhaled, long and slow.
"Okay," you said, to no one.
You went inside.
You picked up the note.
You looked at it properly this time.
And for the first time since you'd read it, you let yourself consider, not the fear, not the failure, not the hypothetical outcome but the simplest version of the question.
Do you want to go?
You stood there, the paper between your fingers, and let the answer come without interference.
It took a moment.
But when it arrived, it was clear.
"...Yeah," you said quietly.
The fear was still there.
It hadn't gone anywhere.
But it shifted, slightly, no longer the only thing in the room.
You grabbed your coat before you could overthink it.
Because if you stopped now, you knew exactly what would happen.
You would find a reason.
A good one.
A reasonable one.
And you would stay.
You stepped out into the evening air, pulling the door shut behind you. It was late and some part in you hoped she wasn't there anymore at this time of day. But you didn't continue those thoughts.
You walked.
Your hands went into your pockets automatically.
The note stayed in your right hand.
You didn't look at it again.
You didn't need to.
You knew where to find her.
It sat in your mind with an almost irritating clarity. Not a question, not a possibility, just a fact. Quiet and persistent, the way certain truths settle into you whether you want them to or not, whether you are ready for them or not.
It would have been easier if it had been uncertain. If you had needed to search. If there had been obstacles that justified hesitation, something external to point at, something to blame. If the distance between you and the answer had been something measurable, something you could map in streets and minutes and wrong turns.
Instead, it was a straight line.
And you were the only thing standing in the way of walking it.
By the time you reached the square, the city had already softened into evening, with glistening lights scattered along the empty streets. The sharpness of the day had worn off, replaced by something quieter, more forgiving. The air carried that in between stillness, where movement slowed without quite stopping, where the world seemed to exhale after holding itself together for too long.
The light lingered in the windows of the conservatory, warm and steady. A contained world, selfdsufficient, continuing its rhythm regardless of whether you chose to step back into it or not.
You slowed without meaning to.
Not enough to stop. Not enough that anyone would notice.
Just enough that the certainty you had carried with you, solid and immovable in your flat, began to fray at the edges.
You could leave.
The thought came cleanly, without weight or emotion attached to it, the way an exit sign exists simply as information. You could turn around, walk back through the square, put your headphones on, disappear into something familiar, something controlled. Let the evening close over this entire thing like it had never been opened.
You had done it before.
You will do it again.
You were very good at it.
Your hand closed around the door handle before you had fully finished the thought.
Inside, the air felt different.
It always did.
Not colder. Not warmer.
Just contained. As though everything within the building existed at a slightly altered pressure, where sound was expected and therefore, in its absence, the quiet carried more weight. It pressed in closer, settled deeper under your skin.
The corridors were dimmer than usual, the overhead lights softened into something that guided rather than illuminated. Your footsteps registered more clearly against the floor, each one marking your presence in a way that felt just a little too loud, a little too deliberate.
You hesitated just inside the entrance.
Listened.
There was something. Faint. Distant. A piano, maybe. Not structured, not practiced in the rigid sense. No clear beginning or end. Just someone moving through notes without urgency, without an audience.
You knew that sound.
Not the melody.
The feeling of it.
You exhaled slowly, like your body was trying to steady something your mind hadn't caught up to yet.
Then you started walking.
Your body remembered the way before your thoughts could interfere. The turn at the end of the hall. The narrow staircase. The long corridor lined with photographs you had stopped looking at weeks ago, because they had begun to feel less like history and more like expectation.
You passed them now without really seeing them.
Your focus had narrowed.
The door at the end of the corridor came into view, and with it, the first real flicker of doubt that felt heavier than the rest.
There was light beneath it.
You slowed.
Not fully. Not enough to retreat.
Just enough that your steps lost their rhytm.
Your hand hovered near the handle, not touching it yet, suspended in that small, fragile space between intention and action. Between wanting and actually doing something about it.
This was the last moment where you could still pretend this wasn't happening.
You knocked before you could step back.
Silence.
A second.
Two.
Three.
Something in your chest loosened, just slightly. The brief, almost hopeful possibility that she might not be there. That you had come this far and the decision would resolve itself without requiring anything further from you.
"Come in."
Her voice.
Even through the door, it carried the same quality it always had. Controlled. Precise. It settled into you before you had fully braced for it, familiar in a way that made something in your chest tighten rather than relax.
You opened the door.
The room was exactly as you remembered.
And not at all the same.
The lights were lower, the edges softened by the late hour. The last of the evening filtered through the windows, stretching across the floor in long, diffused shadows. The piano stood where it always did, its surface catching what little light remained, holding it rather than reflecting it.
She was at the bench.
Not playing.
One hand rested along the edge of the keys, fingers barely touching them as if she had stopped mid-thought rather than mid-practice. The other rested in her lap, still, composed.
She looked up when you entered.
And then she did nothing.
No greeting.
No visible reaction.
No movement to close the distance between you.
She simply watched you.
The door clicked shut behind you with a softness that felt entirely out of proportion to the sudden spike of your pulse.
You took a step forward.
Then another.
The room felt larger than it had before.
Or maybe you just felt smaller in it.
"I-..."
The word slipped out without structure, without preparation, dissolving almost immediately under the weight of the silence that followed.
You stopped.
She did not fill it.
Of course she didn't.
You had known she wouldn't.
Still, knowing and experiencing it were two very different things.
"I got your note," you said, and immediately felt how insufficient that was, how it failed to carry any of the weight that had brought you here.
A small tilt of her head.
Acknowledgment.
Nothing more.
Your hand moved briefly to the back of your neck, fingers pressing there as if that might ground you somehow.
"I didn't know if I was going to come," you added, because the quiet demanded something, anything, and you could not seem to tolerate it without trying to fill it.
She stayed exactly where she was.
Still watching.
Still listening.
Not interrupting.
Not helping.
She was doing it on purpose.
Not to punish you.
Not to make you uncomfortable.
She learned from the last time.
But to make you speak.
And you were.
You really were.
"I shouldn't have left like that-," you said quickly, the words beginning to come faster now, tripping over each other in their urgency. "That was not fair. I know that. I just... it got..." Your hand lifted in a small, sharp motion, as if you could carve the feeling out of the air instead of naming it. "Too much. All at once."
She remained where she was.
Listening.
Not rescuing you from it.
"I know you were trying to help-," you continued, your voice tightening despite yourself, that familiar defensiveness creeping in. "Or your version of helping. Which I get, I do, I just-..." You exhaled sharply, the sound uneven. "It didn't land like that. It felt like I was being cornered into something I wasn't ready for-."
Your pacing picked up, your thoughts outrunning your ability to shape them into something coherent.
"I didn't mean what I said-," you added quickly. "Or I did, but not like that, not-..." You stopped, frustrated, your jaw tightening. "That's not what I meant."
"You're rambling."
Her voice cut through the rush of your words with quiet precision.
Not sharp.
Not unkind.
Just... true.
Almost gentle.
You stopped.
The silence settled immediately, heavier now that it had been interrupted.
You looked at her.
"Sorry," you said after a moment, because denying it would have been pointless.
Something shifted.
Not visibly.
But you felt it.
She stood.
Slowly. Unhurried.
The movement changed the room in a way that was difficult to name but impossible to ignore. The distance between you suddenly felt intentional, charged, like something that could be crossed but only on her terms.
She did not come to you immediately.
One step.
Then another.
Measured.
Deliberate.
Giving you time to register each inch of proximity instead of overwhelming you with it all at once.
You stayed where you were.
You could feel it now, your awareness sharpening, narrowing. The rest of the room fading at the edges as your focus locked onto her movement, onto the space between you closing in increments that felt both controlled and inevitable.
She stopped in front of you.
Close.
Close enough that you noticed details you had trained yourself not to focus on. The steadiness of her posture. The quiet control in her breathing. The way her presence seemed to settle into the space rather than occupy it. The soft lines in her face. The plump lips, the- she interrupted your thoughts.
"You left," she said.
Not a question.
"No," you answered reflexively.
Then, quieter, more honest:
"Yes."
A pause.
"Because I pushed you in a way that was wrong."
The simplicity of it made something in your chest tighten.
"You weren't entirely wrong," you said, instinctively pushing back, fear bubbling up. You didn't want to upset her. You felt like your smaller self again, fighting with your parents and trying to hold things together when worlds fell apart.
"I was wrong in that moment," she replied evenly. "And that is the only moment that matters."
You looked at her properly then.
There was no defensiveness.
No attempt to soften it.
No attempt to shift the blame.
Just clarity.
It unsettled you more than an argument would have.
"I thought you needed pressure, motivation" she continued. "I thought you were holding yourself back in a way that required it." A small pause. "I misjudged what you needed."
Your throat felt tight.Words your parents never chose.
"I didn't know how to tell you that" you admitted, quieter now.
"I know," sheanswered
And the way she said it, without expectation, without judgment, landed deeper than anything else.
Something shifted.
She stepped closer.
This time, fully closing the distance.
Her hand came to rest at the small of your back.
Light.
Intentional.
Tingling.
You felt it immediately.
Not just the contact.
The meaning behind it.
It wasn't force.
It wasn't instruction.
But it wasn't neutral either.
It grounded you in a way that made your thoughts stutter for a moment.
"Come," she said softly.
You went.
Not consciously.
Your body responded before your mind caught up, your steps aligning with the gentle guidance of her hand.
She led you to the piano bench
Close together.
Not opposite.
Beside.
You sat when she indicated.
She sat with you.
The space between you was smaller now.
Deliberate.
For a moment, neither of you spoke.
The quiet felt different here.
Full.
Your thoughts were louder now, closer, less controlled.
You were aware of her in a way that had nothing to do with lessons or structure anymore.
Something else had settled between you.
Something neither of you was naming.
"I didn't know what to do with it," you said finally, your voice lower now, more careful. "What you were asking from me."
She turned her head slightly toward you.
Not fully.
Enough.
"It felt like..." You exhaled. "Like you were asking me to prove something I'm not sure I actually have."
"And that frightened you," she stated.
You nodded.
"Yes."
The word sat there, unguarded.
She let it.
"I should have seen that," she said quietly. "Instead of assuming you needed to be pushed through it."
You looked at her again.
There was something different now.
Not softness.
But something close.
"You didn't listen," you said, before you could stop yourself.
"No," she said, steady. "I didn't."
Your hands shifted in your lap, restless.
You were very aware of how close she was.
Of the quiet.
Of the fact that neither of you moved away.
"I didn't want to come back," you said.
Not entirely true.
Not entirely false.
"I know."
"Then why did you leave the note?"
"Because you were going to."
You frowned slightly.
"That doesn't make sense."
"It does," she said calmly. "You simply hadn't reached that part of the decision yet."
A quiet breath escaped you, something between disbelief and reluctant amusement.
"That's annoyingly accurate."
"Yes."
A pause.
"I don't want to stop," you said.
There it was.
The truth.
"I just don't know how to do this properly," you continued, quieter. "I don't know if I'm what you think I am."
"I don't just think, I see. I am not mistaken," she said.
"You can't know that."
"I can."
You looked away.
Your thoughts were louder now.
Messier.
And underneath all of it, something warmer, something you weren't sure you wanted to examine too closely.
"I'm not asking you to be fearless," she said, softer now. "I am asking you to continue despite the fear."
You felt the difference.
It settled somewhere deeper.
"Can you do that for me?"
You looked at her.
At how close she was
At how steady she remained.
"I don't know," you said.
"That is enough," she replied.
"Will you try?"
Your breath caught.
"Yes."
Something shifted.
Her expression softened, just enough that you noticed.
"Good," she said with a smile tha felt more than just a smile.
______-
The day you were looking forward to and feared at the same time finally arrived. Today was the big day.
The room feels smaller than it ever has.
Not because anything has changed physically. The piano is where it always stands, the bench angled just slightly off centre, the chairs by the window catching the last dim stretch of evening light. The same walls, the same air, the same quiet that usually steadies you the moment you step inside.
But tonight it presses in.
You cannot seem to find your place in it.
She has you running the same phrase for the fourth time in as many minutes, and each time it slips in a different place, as though the notes are moving on you, as though the piece has rearranged itself while you were not looking. You know it has not. You know it is you. That is the worst part.
"Again," she says.
Her voice is measured. Even. The particular evenness of someone who is not yet impatient but is concentrating very hard on something other than impatience.
You take the breath. You find the placement she taught you, low and anchored, the one that usually opens everything up. You open your mouth.
It slips again.
Not badly. Not in a way an audience would register. The pitch is close, the phrasing almost intact. But she hears it. She always hears it, not just what is there but the gap between what is there and what should be, the precise distance between the two.
"No." She groans
You stop.
Your hands move at your sides without purpose, restless, carrying energy you have nowhere to put.
She does not sigh. She does not drum her fingers on the keys or shift her weight on the bench or do any of the small impatient things that other people do when they are waiting for someone to collect themselves. She simply waits, with the focused patience of someone who has learned that waiting is sometimes the most useful tool available and who finds it, tonight, harder to deploy than usual.
"From the breath," she says. "Start again."
You nod. You breathe. You try.
The phrase is almost right this time. Almost. The middle bars hold, and for a moment something in your chest lifts slightly, the cautious lift of someone who does not yet trust the ground they are standing on. Then the last turn comes and something in your concentration frays, just for a second, just enough, and the note lands somewhere adjacent to where it should be rather than where it is.
She stops playing. Sets her hands in her lap. The sudden absence of the piano settles into the room like a question.
"What is happening?" she asks.
"Nothing," you press and you hear how flat it sounds even as you say it, the word dropping into the space between you like a stone into still water, too heavy, too abrupt.
She looks at you. She tilts her head very slightly, the way she does when she is deciding something, when she is choosing between two possible approaches and has not quite finished choosing.
"Come here," she says. She stands from the bench.
You stay where you are. Not deliberately or perhaps deliberately, the particular involuntary deliberateness of someone who is not ready to move toward the thing they are being moved toward.
"I just want to run it again," you say. "One more time. Let me just-"
"Come. here." she repeats, and the repetition is not louder than the first but it has a different quality, the quality of something that has already decided it will only be said twice.
You cross the room.
She positions herself in front of you and circles you once, slowly, without touching, looking at the line of your shoulders, the set of your jaw, the way you are holding your breath approximately three centimetres higher in your chest than you should be. She makes a small sound that is not quite a word, somewhere between assessment and concern, and then she stands in front of you again.
"Breathe," she says.
You breathe. Or you produce a version of breathing, which is apparently not the same thing.
"That was not a breath," she says. "That was an something mimicking a breath. Try again."
You try again. This time it reaches further down, wider, the way she has spent months showing you, the breath that feels like it takes up too much room at first and then like exactly the right amount.
"Better." She watches you for a moment. "Now. What is happening."
"I told you. Nothing."
"You told me nothing, yes." She folds her arms across her chest, the movement precise and contained. "Which is not the same as nothing happening."
"It is just nerves," you say. "It's in 45 minutes and we're still in the want up. It is normal to be nervous."
"Nerves I can work with," she answers. "I have been working with yoir nerves for the past months. This is not nerves." She steps closer and you become aware of how still she is, how entirely controlled the space around her is, while you are all loosely organised energy and nowhere to put it.
"You have been somewhere else since you walked through that door. Not distracted. Somewhere else. And I would like you to come back."
"I am here," you say.
"You are physically present," she allows. "Your voice is not. And since your voice is the thing we need-"
"I know what we need," you bite back, too quickly. Too sharply.
She stops.
Looks at you.
A beat passes that has considerably more in it than its length would suggest.
"Alright," she sighs, quietly and her voice has changed slightly, the professional frame of it loosening by a fraction. She returns to the bench, sits and plays the opening of the piece from the top, not asking you to sing, just playing, letting the room fill with it.
Her hands on the keys are the way they always are: unhurried, certain, each movement carrying the weight of someone who has been doing this for so long that the physical act of playing has become indistinguishable from breathing. "Come stand beside me."
You do.
She keeps playing. Softly. Not performing it, just walking through it, the melody familiar to you now in the way certain things become familiar after enough repetition, after you have sung them enough times in this room that they begin to feel like yours.
"Close your eyes," she says.
You close your eyes.
"Where are you?" she asks.
"In the room," you say.
"Where are you really?"
You do not answer immediately, your jaw just tightens. The music moves around you, and you are aware of her proximity, of the warmth of it, of the particular quality of the air between you that has been this quality for some weeks now and which you have been managing, carefully, not to think about too directly.
"I am thinking about the show in fucking 45 from now," you admit.
"Good," she says, which surprises you. "Tell me what you see."
"I see-" You stop.
"Tell me."
"I see it going wrong," you say, and the words come out more simply than you expected, without the armour of deflection around them. "Every way it could go wrong. All at once."
She continues to play. She does not say anything for a moment.
"And what else?" she asks.
"That is enough, is it not?" you snap opening your eyes for a hot glarebefore you close them again.
"It is quite a lot, yes," she answers and something in her voice is very dry and something underneath that is very warm, the particular combination of the two that you have come to associate specifically with her. "Open your eyes."
You do.
She has stopped playing. Her hands rest on the keys without pressing them. She is looking at you with the focused attention of someone who is seeing several things at once and is deciding which one to address first.
"Again," she simply says as if nothing happened. "From the top. And this time the only thing in this room is the music. Not the performance. No remaining minutes. Not anything else. Only your warm up." She looks at you very directly. "Can you give me that?"
You nod.
You try.
For two bars it works. The sound opens up the way it does when you are not fighting it, when you have stopped reaching for the notes and are simply letting them happen and she hears it immediately: the shift in her posture is very subtle, the slight forward lean of someone who has been waiting for something and has just found it.
Then something crosses your mind, something, something cold and bright and specific, the size of the space, the number of people in it, the absolute irreversibility of a performance once it has begun and the phrase falters.
She stops playing.
Silence.
Neither of you moves for a moment.
Then she turns on the bench to face you properly, and folds her hands in her lap, and looks at you with an expression that has shifted; the professional assessment still present, but something else underneath it now, something that has been patient for a long time and is beginning, just beginning, to find that patience genuinely difficult to maintain.
"You are doing it again," she tries to keep her voice steady.
"I know," you mumble.
"What just happened?"
"I thought about-...it does not matter."
"It clearly matters," she directs a bit to fast and her voice has a new edge to it, not sharp exactly, more like something that has been soft for a long time and is encountering something it was not prepared for.
"It is happening repeatedly and in exactly the same place in the piece and it is not a technical problem and I need you to tell me what it is."
"I told you," your voice raises slightly, drive by frustration. "Nerves. Fear. Standard pre-performance-"
"Stop." She stands up with a swift motion, her words final. Not abruptly, but with a decisiveness that changes the room. Her voice is laced by a new found firmness that seems to be bordering control loss.
"Stop giving me the version of the answer you think I want. I have been doing this for over ten years. I can tell the difference."
"Then what do you want to hear?" your brows furrow in a mixture of frustration and anger and there is something in your voice now that is less managed than before, the faint unravelling quality of someone who has been holding something together for several hours and is beginning to find it effortful.
"The truth," she pushes back simply, her eyes pointy.
"The truth is that I cannot-" You stop. Run a hand through your hair, too fast, the gesture of someone whose thoughts are outpacing their ability to organise them. "There is a gap. Between what I can do in here and what I am going to be asked to do out there, and it is not getting smaller, and I-"
"The gap is not as large as you think it is y/n!" she says, immediately, not moving from her point.
"You cannot know that."
"I can," she falls into your words before you can even finish, her arms raising in frustration, just as her voice does. "I am the only one in this room who can!"
"You are not the one who has to-"
"No," she agrees with a edge that makes your knees nesrly buckle, "I am not. Which is exactly why you should listen to me!"
She steps closer, deliberate, firm and posture perfectly straight, pointing at your chest. "You know this piece. You know it better than you think you know it, which is the particular problem we are dealing with right now. The part of you that knows it is buried under the part of you that is convinced it does not. And I need you to let me-"
"I am trying to let you!" you huff and the frustration in it is real now, fully present, no longer contained. "I have been here for two hours doing nothing but letting you-"
"You have been here for two hours going through the motions," she motions and her voice rises by another fraction, not much, but enough that you both register it. "And I need more than that from you tonight. I need you actually here. Not the version of you that is managing the room and managing yourself and managing what I might think of you-"
"I am not managing-"
"You are always managing!," she gestures in frustration and this time there is something almost exasperated in it, something that makes her raise one hand briefly before bringing it back down. "It is one of your most consistent qualities. You manage everything. You have been managing this since the first session. And usually I can work around it, or through it, but tonight-"
She gestures toward the piano, toward the space where the music had been. "Tonight it is not working. And we are running out of time."
You look at her.
She looks back.
Something has shifted. You are not sure when, exactly, somewhere in the last several exchanges, somewhere in the space between her standing and now but the air between you is different. More charged. Less professionally organised.
"I will get it," you say, but it sounds thinner than you intended.
"When?" she asks.
"When I-I just need-"
"What?" she snaps desperately before she stops to collect herself again. "What do you need? Tell me and I will give it to you if I can."
The question lands somewhere it was not entirely expected to land.
You open your mouth.
Close it.
"I need it not to matter so much," you whisper and the words come out quietly, and they are the most honest thing you have said all evening, and you regret them immediately.
Something moves across her face. Something that is not quite the response you expected, not the professional redirection, not the technique-as-answer that she usually produces when you veer toward the emotional. Something more personal. More caught-off-guard.
She is quiet for a moment.
Then: "It matters because it is supposed to matter," she softly answers and her voice is different , quieter, stripped of the sharp efficiency it had carried. "Not in the way that breaks you. In the way that builds you. There is a difference."
"Easy to say for someone like you," you mutter.
Her eyes narrow, very slightly. For the first time since you know her you must have hit something behind her facade.
"I beg your pardon?" Her words are calm and that makes this dangerous
"I said-" you start and then something in the way she is looking at you, the controlled precision of it, the sense of someone who has just heard something they were not expecting, makes you suddenly and completely incapable of retreating.
"Easy. to. say. For. Someone. Like. You." you repeat, more clearly. "From where you are standing."
A beat
The room is very quiet.
She tilts her head and oh god you almost fold at her feet.
"From where I am standing," she starts and her voice is very even, the particular evenness of something that is being held very carefully. "And where, exactly, do you think I am standing. Y/n?"
"In the position of someone who is not the one about to-" she can't even let you finish because it simply rushes past her lips.
"I have been in front of audiences since I was fourteen years old." she states, calmly and the calm of it is considerably more pointed than anger would be. "I have been where you are standing. Over. And. Over. Again. Y/n. I know exactly what it feels like. And I know that the thing you are doing right now, which is deciding that the fear is bigger than the preparation, is a choice. Not a fact. Of someone who decided to stay scared."
"It does not feel like a choice," you bite out, feeling shame creeping in.
"Most choices do not," she sighs, vicky collecting herself again . "That is not a reason to stop making them. Stop deciding it's safer to hide."
You exhale sharply.
Something about the precision of her, the complete unflappable quality of it, catches on something inside you that is less controlled than usual.some edge of frustration that has been building through the whole evening and is now looking for a place to land.
"It's not always a fucking life lesson," you spit and you can hear yourself, can hear the direction this is going and are not entirely sure you can stop it. "That is what you are doing. Even now. Turning everything into-"
"Into what?" she asks, straightening her back and glaring down at you.
"Into a lesson. Into a technique. Into something you can fix with the right phrase at the right moment."
She blinks.
Just once.
"Is that what you think this is?" she carefully ask and something in her voice has changed again, shifted somewhere you have not heard it shift before, something that is not anger but is in the neighbourhood of it, something that has found an edge.
"I think," you start slowly, "that you are very good at this. At keeping everything-" You gesture, vaguely, between you. "Organised."
"Organised," she repeats quietly.
"Professional."
"You are complaining," Her voice states slowly, as though translating something from a language she does not usually speak, "that I am trying to help you?"
"I am saying that sometimes it feels like that is all it is," you frown and even as the words come out you are aware that they are not exactly what you mean, that they are the closest available language to what you mean and are missing the mark by enough to be dangerous, but you do not know how to pull them back.
She stares at you.
For one very long second, she simply stares at you.
And then she laughs.
Not a warm laugh. Not a pleased one. The short, disbelieving sound of someone who has just been presented with something so thoroughly unexpected that their usual responses have not yet caught up with it.
"That is what you have been-" She stops herself. Shakes her head once. "Right. Right, I see." She crosses the room, not toward you, away from you, putting some distance between herself and the conversation, the movement of someone who needs a moment with a thing before they can respond to it properly.
She stands by the window, arms folded, looking out at the early evening light over the square.
"So I have been trying to help you for months. Months, y/n! Multiple times a week. Rearranging my schedule."
She turns back to you and her eyes are very bright. "And the conclusion you have drawn from that is that it is merely professional?!"
"I did not say-"
"You implied it rather clearly," she hisses and there is something in her voice now that is no longer controlled, or rather it is controlled but it is a different kind of controlled: held tightly because it has to be, because what is underneath it is considerably less organised.
"Do you listen to yourself? You stood there and told me that this-" she gestures, again, between you, sharply, "is something I am simply providing as if I'm doing it for everyone."
"I did not say it like that-" you desperately try to bring your words back
"How did you say it then?" She tilts her chin up, very slightly, not letting you finish. The gesture she makes when she is not going to be argued out of something.
"Because from where I am standing; since you are so interested in where I am standing, it sounded very much like you are telling me that everything I have put into this, into working with you, into-" She stops.
Reorganises. "Into this, is nothing more than professional habit."
"That is not what I meant," you finally fully speak.
"Then what did you mean?!" her voice rises, just enough and the hand that had been folded against her arm comes loose and gestures toward you, palm open, the frustrated gesture of someone demanding an answer they are owed.
You look at her.
She is, you realise, genuinely frustrated. Not the professional management of frustration that you have seen in sessions, the quick redirect and the deliberate patience but the real thing, the living thing, unmanaged and visible and all the more striking because you have never seen it on her in this particular way.
"I meant-" you carefully start but she wasn't done.
"Because I have reorganised my Tuesdays, Thursday evenings for months y/n!," she is not quite keeping her voice down now, the pitch of it slightly elevated, the control slightly frayed at the edges in a way that is new.
"I have stayed two hours past the time I told myself I would leave. Almost every single time! I have-" She stops, sharply exhaling. Shakes her head again, with something that is very close to disbelief. "And you are standing there telling me it is nothing."
"I said professional," you say and you are aware even as you say it that this is not an improvement.
"Professional," she repeats. Her eyes flash. "Right. Of course. How foolish of me to-" She turns away from you again and you can see the line of her back, the slight tension in her shoulders, the rigidity of someone who is doing a great deal of internal work to not say the next three sentences that have arrived in their head.
"I spent sixty minutes on Tuesday reordering my entire afternoon because you sent a message saying you were struggling with the second passage and I-" She stops. Turns back. "That is professional. Yes. That is purely professional."
You open your mouth.
"Do not," she says. Sharply pointing at you. Two words. Very quiet. Very final.
You close your mouth.
She exhales through her nose, steadying something. The tension in her shoulders shifts, adjusts, does not entirely leave.
"I am not-" she begins, more quietly now. "I do not do that, as though the sentence is something she is working out as she says it. Everything concerning you is something she usually doesn't do.
"I do not rearrange my Tuesdays for people. I have many people who study with me, who would rather change their life to fit into my schedule than loosing an hour with me and I do not-" She stops again.
Looks at you with an expression that is less composed than you have ever seen it, not undone, not even close to undone, but carrying something at the surface that is usually kept considerably deeper. "And for you-"
She seems to decide something. Her chin lifts again. "You are going to stand there and tell me it is professional."
"I did not mean it the way it came out," you say.
"Then how did you mean it?"
"I meant that you are-" You stop, your cheeks flushing. Try again. "You are very good at keeping things where they belong. At keeping this-" it is your turn to gesture, poorly, in the space between you,
"in the place that is useful. And sometimes I do not want it to stay there. And it frustrates me."
The room is quiet. Your face burns.
She looks at you for a long moment.
"Say that again," she whispers, slowly.
"Which part?"
"The last part."
You hold her gaze. "It frustrates me. That you can- organise it. And I cannot."
You never explained what you emit by ‚it' but you both know it, feel it, since months.
Something shifts in her expression.
"You think I can organise it?!," she carfully states.
"Can you not?"
She makes a sound that is almost a laugh. Not quite. "I have been trying to organise it since approximately the third session," and the dryness in it is sharp and real and contains, underneath it, something considerably more candid than she usually allows herself to be. "I have not managed it yet."
The room is very quiet.
You look at each other.
"Oh," you say, after a moment and there is nothing else in the sentence, no direction, just the word itself, sitting there.
"Yes," she says, with the same absence of anywhere to go. "Oh."
A beat.
Then you huff with a dry smile: "That does not actually help."
And she responds, almost at the same moment: "No. It does not."
And something in the air shifts, very slightly, in the way that air does after a storm has started and has not yet decided whether it intends to continue, something that has loosened without becoming easy, something that has been honest without being resolved.
"We still have-" she begins.
"I know what we have," you stop her.
"Then-"
"I know," you nod and this time there is no edge in it, just the flat acknowledgment of someone who is very tired of knowing something and not knowing what to do with it. "35 minutes at best. I know."
She looks at you.
The professional frame settles back over her, you can watch it happen, the slight straightening of her posture, the deliberate return of the controlled calm and you feel something in your chest contract, briefly, at the sight of it, at the familiar and maddening precision with which she puts herself back together.
"Then we run it again," she nods.
"Wanda."
She stops.
You have not called her that before in a long while. Only twice, in all the months. Miss Maximoff, always, even after she had offered the alternative, because Miss Maximoff was ground you knew how to stand on.
But the name came out before you finished deciding to say it and it sits in the air between you like something neither of you is sure what to do with.
She is very still before she moves again, not looking.
"Run it again," she told you after a moment. Quieter.
You try.
It is worse than before.
The phrase falls apart from the first bar not catastrophically, not in a way that is unfixable, but in the specific way of something that has been disrupted at its foundation, when the concentration that was already fragile has been further unsettled by the conversation, when everything you are trying to hold in separate compartments has come loose from its organisation and is now taking up the same space.
She stops you.
You stop.
You both look at each other.
And something cracks open in the evening that has nothing to do with the music and everything to do with the months preceding it.
"You cannot keep doing this!," she huffs frustrated and her voice is entirely different now. The professional distance is still there but it is very thin, wearing through at the edges in the way of something that has been stretched past its natural limit.
"This thing you do, where you arrive and you are somewhere else and you expect the music to bring you back. It does not work like that. It has never worked like that."
She stands back up in once motion and steps closer, her hands are not folded anymore, one of them gestures as she talks, a small frustrated movement she does not seem entirely aware of making.
"You have to bring yourself to the music. You have to be the one who arrives. And tonight you are three rooms away and I am standing here asking you to-"
"I am trying to be here," you bite back and your voice is louder than you intended.
"Try harder," and her voice is even louder.
"I cannot just decide-"
"You can," she falls into your words, sharp and immediate. "That is exactly what you can do. That is the whole work. That is what we have spent months building. The ability to decide."
She gestures again, this time toward you, toward the space where the music should be, her hand moving with a precision that is starting to come loose at the edges. "And right now you are refusing to use it."
"I am not refusing-"
"Then what are you doing?" she demands. "Because from where I am standing-" a brief glint in her eyes at the echo of earlier, humourless and fleeting, "it looks very much like refusal. It looks like you have decided, somewhere between arriving here and now, that this is not going to work and you have built that decision into the room and you are asking me to teach inside it."
"I have not decided anything-"
"You have decided you are going to fail!" she almost shouts,and the precision of it lands hard and certain, cutting through everything else. "You have already decided. And I need you to un-decide it."
"It is not that simple," you say.
"It is not simple at all," and something hot and alive is moving through her voice now, something that has found purchase, something that has stopped being careful.
"I did not say it was simple. I said it was possible. Those are not the same thing." She takes another step. Her hands are moving more than usual, the gestures sharper, less contained, you notice this, register it, tuck it away.
"You have your moment in thirty minutes, that you have worked for for months. That I have worked for. That we have-" She stops herself. "And you are going to stand there and tell me it is not possible to-"
"I am not saying that-"
"Then what are you saying y/n?" She is directly in front of you now, close and the controlled distance she usually maintains has compressed into something much smaller, much more present.
"Because I have been listening for almost three hours and I cannot find the signal in the noise. I keep hearing what you are afraid of and I keep not hearing what you are going to do about it."
"Because I do not know what to do about it!" you basically scream and the snap has more force in it than you meant, more rawness, the sound of something coming off its hinge. "That is the whole point. I do not know. I have never done this before. I have never-" Your hand goes through your hair again, restless, too fast. "I have never stood somewhere that mattered and just let it happen. I do not know how to do that."
She stares at you.
Her chest is rising and falling faster than usual. The colour in her cheeks is brighter.
"You have done it in here," her voice has changed again, the sharpness in it giving way to something more urgent, something that is less argument and more... something.
"You have done it in this room. I have been here. I have heard it. You have let the music in and you have let yourself out and the two things have met in a way that-" She stops. Shakes her head once. "You have already done it. You just refuse to believe it counts because no one was watching."
"It is different"
"Of course it is different," she sighs desperately. "It is always different. Everything is different in front of people. That does not make it less real." She is very close now, closer than the warm up has required for the last twenty minutes, close enough that the charge in the air between you has become impossible to pretend is simply frustration.
"What happened in this room was real. What you can do is real. And you are standing here trying to convince me that it was not, that it does not count, that it will not"
"I am not trying to convince you of anything,"
"Then stop arguing," she finally states.
"You are arguing," you huff.
"I am-" She makes a frustrated sound and turns half away from you and one of her hands comes up briefly to her forehead, the gesture of someone who has run through their available responses and is searching for a new one.
She turns back. "I am not arguing. I am-" She searches. "I am desperately trying to make you see something that is directly in front of you, that has been directly in front of you for months, and you keep-" She gestures in your direction with both hands now, the most unguarded physical expression you have ever seen from her, the gesture of someone who has run out of the composed version of themselves and has temporarily borrowed the real one. "You keep stepping to one side of it."
"Because it is terrifying," you manage and the simplicity of it comes out before you can dress it up.
She goes still.
"I know," And then, after a moment, more quietly: "I know it is."
Something in the room settles.
Not peacefully. More like the moment after a wind has passed through a space and everything is rearranged but has not yet found its new position.
You look at each other.
Both of you are breathing faster than is necessary for standing still in a room.
"I cannot do it," you admit. Not for the first time this evening, but this time without the defensive architecture around it. Just the words, plain, sitting there.
"You can," she points and she is not calm, not entirely, not the way she usually is but the certainty is still there, bedrock under everything else, the one thing in her that has not shifted.
"What if-"
"No," she interrupts you with a soft finality. "We are not doing that. We are not going down every hypothetical failure. I have been there with you before and it does not help and I know better and so do you." She looks at you steadily. "You know this. You are ready. And I am going to need you to trust me on that if you cannot yet trust yourself."
"I do trust you," you whisoer and it comes out simpler and more direct than anything else you have said this evening, stripped of everything that is not just true.
Something moves across her face.
"Then use it," she mentions quietly. "Right now. Use it."
You breathe.
Once.
Twice.
And then you take a step back, because the conversation has built a pressure in you that is looking for an exit and stepping back feels like the only way to let some of it out. "I need to-I need a minute," you ramble . "I just-I need to-"
You turn. Before you can think.
You take two steps toward the door.
And her hand snaps up, suddenly closes around your upper arm, firmly holding your Biceps.
The grip is firm. Certain. Not violent, not harsh but absolutely unyielding, the grip of someone who has decided something and is not going to be moved from it, her fingers wrapping around your arm with a pressure that stops you mid-step with a physicality that surprises you.
She turns you back toward her with a tug.
You are close. Closer than you were before. Than ever before. She has pulled you back and the momentum of it has placed you almost directly in front of her and the difference in your heights is suddenly very present.
You are not short, but she has several centimetres on you. Youre looking up at thick swallow and she glances back with an expression that is doing something you have not seen it do before, something that is less the teacher and considerably more the person, something that carries in it the full weight of months of unspoken electric tension between you two compressed into a single look.
She does not say anything at first.
She holds your arm and she holds your gaze, breathes once, very deliberately, and the breath is visible, the chest rise of it and then something happens in her face.
The sharpness goes out of it.
Not the strength. Not the certainty. But the sharpness, the edge, the high-wire quality of the last hour: it drops away as cleanly as if it had been a coat she has set down and what is left underneath it is very calm, the calmness is not cold, it is warm and deep and absolute, the kind of calm that is not the absence of feeling but the mastery of it, and it is, you realise with a start, considerably more powerful than the argument had been.
She looks at you.
And she begins to speak, quietly and without hesitation, the way she speaks when she has decided something entirely and does not need to search for the words because the words were always there.
"You are not going anywhere," she states. Simple. Factual. An observation about the immediate future, spoken with the same certainty she brings to saying the note lives here and not in your throat. "Not because I am stopping you. But because you do not actually want to leave, and we both know it."
You breathe.
"What you want," she continues, her voice low and even, her grip on your arm not loosening but changing quality, becoming less a stop and more an anchor, "is for someone to give you permission to believe that you are ready. And I am giving it to you. Right now. I am the most qualified person in this building to give it to you and I am giving it to you. You are ready."
"You can't-"
"I can," she stops you carefully and the two words are so simple and so certain that the argument dies before it finishes forming. "I know what I have heard in this room for months. I know what you are capable of. I know the difference between potential and the real thing, and I have known since the day I heard you in a bookshop that this was the real thing. I have not been wrong. I am not wrong now."
You look at her.
You open your mouth.
"No," gentle but absolute. "You are not going to argue with me about this. You have argued about everything else tonight and you can argue with me about all of it later and I might even enjoy it. But not now." Her hand shifts on your arm, just slightly. "Not on this."
You breathe. The room is very quiet.
"You have worked for this y/n," she adores. "You have worked harder than you know, harder than you give yourself credit for and everything you have built in here-" she glances briefly at the room, at the piano, at the space that has held months of your sessions and your arguments and your small victories and your spectacular failures and your gradual, undeniable improvement
"-goes with you. You do not leave it here. It is in you. I put it there. You put it there." Her eyes come back to yours. "It goes."
Something in your chest tightens.
"And you are going to walk out of this room and you are going to walk to that stage and you are going to stand on it and you are going to sing the way you have sung in here on your best days, because you know how. Because your body knows how. Because I have spent four months making sure your body knows how so that your brain can panic all it likes and the music will still be there underneath it, waiting."
You swallow.
"And you are not going to let the size of the room take that from you," her voice is soft as she tries to reach you. "It is a room. It is walls and air and acoustics and people sitting down. It is not bigger than you are. Nothing about it is bigger than what you can do." She tilts her head up very slightly, and her grip tightens once, briefly, a single beat of emphasis. "Say it."
"What?" You frown as your eyes dance over her face
"Say: I can do this."
"That feels-" your lip twitches into a deeper frown
"I know it feels absurd," she nods, with a flash of something warm and sharp. "Say it anyway."
You look at her.
"I can do this," you mumble and it sounds unconvincing, she hears that, she doesn't move, doesn't flinch.
"Again," she stays firm.
"I can do-"
"Like you mean it," she falls into your word and there is something in her voice that is almost amused, something that is entirely her, the particular mixture of demand and warmth that has characterised every session in this room, brought down now to its purest form.
"I can do this," you nod and this time something in it is different, not fully different, not fully believed, but the ghost of belief, the first faint structural suggestion of it.
"Yes," she smiles. "You can."
A beat passes.
You look at each other and something in the air has changed again, has settled into something that is neither the argument nor the lesson but some third thing that the evening has produced, something quieter and more real than either.
And then your mouth opens, and you say, because the evening has taken enough from you that you do not have the energy to keep this one thing back:
"What about after?"
She goes very still.
"After?"
"After it is over," you whisper. "After this evening."
She looks at you.
A long moment.
"That," she murmurs quietly, "is a conversation for after."
"You keep saying that-"
"Because it is true," she reassures firmly. "And because right now-" her voice is very soft, her hand is still on your arm, her face is very close to yours and the room is very quiet, "right now I need you to be entirely here. Not there. Here."
"I am trying to be here," you sigh, your voice has dropped too, matching hers, the argument compressed into something smaller, more essential.
"I know," she tilts her head in sympathy. "I know you are."
And then something happens that you have been aware of as a possibility for long enough that the possibility has begun to feel like its own kind of reality: not expected, not scripted, not even fully decided but arriving with the particular inevitability of something that has been moving toward this point for four months and has simply run out of room to not arrive.
She kisses you.
It is not soft, not tentative, not exploratory in the way of something uncertain. It is very deliberate, deliberate in the specific way that everything she does is deliberate, intentional at the level of bone and it carries in it no hesitation whatsoever, the absence of hesitation that belongs to someone who has been making this decision for a long time and has finally stopped making it and started acting on it.
And it is not the kiss of someone who has temporarily abandoned control.
It is the kiss of someone who is exercising a different kind of control than the one you have watched her exercise all evening.not the control that keeps things at a distance but the control that decides when and how and at what pace the distance closes, the control that says: this, now, on my terms and knows with complete certainty that this is the right moment and these are the right terms.
Her hand comes up from your arm to your jaw, a clean and deliberate movement and she holds you there, not roughly, not insistently, but with the quiet authority of someone who has decided where this is going and intends to take it there, and the warmth of it goes through you like the resolution of a phrase that has been unresolved for so long you had almost forgotten what resolution felt like.
Everything goes quiet.
Not slowly. At once. Your breath catches.
The tangle of the evening, the argument, the fear, the months of proximity and managed distance and unspoken things. It folds inward on itself and disappears and what is left is just this: her, the contact, the extraordinary silence of a mind that has, finally, stopped producing noise.
When she pulls back, she does it the way she does everything: with intention. Not abruptly. Controlled, but differently controlled than before, the control of someone who has arrived somewhere and knows it.
She stays close. You almost chase her lips, your mouth still slightly agape, exhaling with a shaky breath.
Her hand stays at your jaw for a moment longer, and then moves to your shoulder, firm and steadying.
She looks at you.
Her expression is, for one unguarded second, entirely itself, none of the professional frame, none of the careful distance, just her, looking at you with something that is warm and certain and completely present.
Then she blinks, once and something returns to her eyes that is not the same thing that was there before but is closer to it than the expression that preceded it..the teacher is not back, exactly, but the person who is also a teacher has reassembled herself and the result is something different from either.
"Are you here now?" she asks quitely, with a little grin tugging at the corner of her lips.
You blink. Take stock of yourself, the way she has taught you to, genuinely, all the way down.
You are here.
Fully. Completely. More here than you have been all evening.
"Yes," you swallow thicklY .
She holds your gaze. "Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Good." She exhales, very quietly. Her hand at your shoulder shifts to something more purposeful, not releasing but guiding. "Then we go."
She leads you to the door, then through the corridor, the building moves around you with its particular quality of serious quiet, the quiet of a place where things of consequence happen and the walls know it. Your footsteps against the old floor. The faint sounds of the building settling around you.
At the edge of the stage entrance she stops you.
She turns you toward her with both hands at your shoulders, the grip is steady, present, grounding in the way that her touches have always been grounding, deliberate, never accidental, always chosen.
She looks at you and she sees immediately what she sees, the same thing she has been seeing all evening, the drift, the slight recession of you back behind the glass of your own fear and her expression shifts with it, becomes softer, more careful, the particular softness that arrives in her when she is working at something delicate.
"In," she says quietly.
You inhale.
"Out," she guides.
You exhale.
"Again," she instructs gently and the word has a different register now than it had all evening, something that is not instruction and not demand but something simply present, simply with you.
You breathe.
Once, twice, three times and she stays with you through each one, her hands at your shoulders holding you in the room, in the moment, in the particular pocket of time that exists between the rehearsal room and the stage, the space where everything you have built has to make the transition from inside you to in front of other people.
When your breathing has steadied when she is satisfied, which takes as long as it takes, she looks at you again.
"You know what you are doing," she whispers .
"I know," you nod and try to swallow the maddening lump in your throat.
"Do you believe it?"
A beat. You look at her.
"Getting there," you sigh.
Something in her face does what it occasionally does, the micro-shift of amusement, the warmth that lives permanently under the surface of the professional, surfacing briefly before returning. "Getting there is enough," she chuckles. And then, more quietly: "I believe it for both of us, until you get the rest of the way."
You look at her.
"Wanda," you whisper carefully.
She waits.
"Thank you," the sentence is simpler than anything else you have said to her and contains more than all of it.
She holds your gaze for a moment. Then her hands shift from your shoulders and one of them comes up, slowly, she takes your face in her hands, both of them, carefully, the way someone holds something they are choosing to treat with particular care. she tilts your head very slightly, looks at you and you are not sure what she is looking for but you are entirely certain she finds it.
"You earned this y/n sweetheart," she gently breathes. Quietly. Directly. "Everything that is about to happen out there, you built it. Not me. I helped you find it. But it was always yours."
Your throat tightens.
She leans in, presses her lips to your forehead, very softly, very briefly, the warmth of it landing somewhere that needed exactly that warmth, the particular gentleness of a touch that is not about performance or persuasion but about the simple fact of being on someone's side.
Then her thumb passes once along your cheekbone, the lightest possible gesture, barely contact at all and then gone.
She steps back.
Her eyes meet yours one last time.
"Go," she encourages with a swift hand movemet. "Show yourself what you can do."
You turn toward the stage.
And the noise in your head, the fear, the spiralling, the months of doubt that have been taking up residence in you and paying no rent: it is quiet.
Not gone. But quiet.
Small enough to walk past.
You step forward.
You do not look back.
But you carry her with you, the warmth of her hands, the certainty in her voice, the room that has held the two of you through everything that has come before this and everything that will come after it.
Summary: Some people walk into your life quietly. She walked into the back corner of a dusty bookshop on a tuesday afternoon, listened to you hum three bars of an operetta you thought no one could hear and handed you a card like it was nothing.
It was not nothing. You told yourself.
Until it was the beginning of something you’d spent years making sure couldn’t happen anymore.She doesn’t explain herself. She doesn’t have to.
She just opens the door and waits and somehow that’s worse than any demand she could have made.
Many evenings. A rehearsal room. A piano that’s starting to feel like it belongs to both of you.
Something building in the space between correction and care, between again and the way she says your name.
You keep telling yourself you know exactly what this is.
You’re starting to think she knows something you don’t.
Warnings: hurt/comfort, slowburn, dominance, fights, past trauma, family issues, angst, perfomance fright, abandonment issues
Words: about 18k
A/n: I wanted to post this last week but apparently Uni decided to rip me apart in the first three days and i had to focus on different things. I finally finished it now and actually its the longest story I've written so far. It was, per usual, inspiriered by a dream I recently had. I hope you like it, enjoys reading!
Also I didn´t correct read after inserting it here from my notes app. I did get some kind of warning (4096 text block or something) so I sadly have to split it. So if anything is missing or you notice something odd/unfitting please let me know! Sadly I can´t post it as one long full story as I planned, tumbler won´t let me. I´ll post part two right away.
Looking forward to yalls feedback because writing this massive Chonker was a pain in the ass, even tho it´s one of my fav stories of mine so far.
This day turned out like most days do. Way too long and lingering heavy in every fibre of cloth your body carries. A heavy sigh escapes your lips as you push open the door, sun warmed wood soft against your palm.
The bell quietly rings as the wood nudges against it. The old smell of books greets you and lifts a big part of your stress off your shoulders. This lovely little shop is where you find solace on heavy days and warm memories on happy ones.
Your eyes wander over the fully stacked bookshelves and every time it seems like a wonder that they all fit into this cozy little shop. Your next glance lands on the checkout counter. Your eyes meet her warm glance. Rosie. She is probably in her seventies, bright colourful clothes, round face and even rounder glasses adorning her sharp nose.
"Good Evening Madame," you playfully whisper with a soft bow as you walk towards her, a gentle smile adorning your lips.
"Y/N, lovely to see you dear," her voice floats warmly through the space between you, her eyes bright and cheeks rosy. A split second passes as her sharp eyes muster you. The air slightly shifts, her smile gives way to a slight frown as her eyes find yours again.
"Hard day, sweetheart?" she gently asks, yet the worry always present.
She has known you for years and therefore long enough to read between the lines your mouth denies to share. She is like the grandmother you never had.
A soft sigh escapes your throat and a tired smile tugs at your lips. "Oh Rosie, you know me too well. Yeah, rough day, but nothing a good book cannot fix. What have you got for me?"
The worry visibly lifts off her gradually as her smile reappears. She knows you will not tell more, she knows you tend to fix things quietly on your own behind closed doors, and most of all, she knows you will be fine. That is the first thing she learned about you when you got lost in a heavy rainstorm that carefully led you into this shop in the first place.
She tilts her head just slightly, the way she always does when she is about to say something she knows will catch your interest.
"Actually," she begins, her voice carrying that particular lilt of quiet excitement she reserves for moments like these, "we got a new delivery just a few days ago. Your favourite section."
Your eyes lift from the worn edge of the counter where your fingers had been absently tracing the grain of the wood. You do not say anything, but something in your expression shifts, just barely, and Rosie catches it the way she always catches everything.
"Go on then," she says softly, already waving a hand in the direction of the back of the shop, her ring catching the warm amber light that spills from the small lamp beside the register. "I'll put the kettle on."
You push yourself gently away from the counter and let the shop swallow you whole.
That is the only way to describe what happens when you move deeper into this place. It swallows you. The ceiling feels lower toward the back, or perhaps it is just the shelves growing taller, leaning slightly inward the way old buildings tend to settle into themselves over decades.
There is something conspiratorial about the architecture of it, the way the space narrows and deepens, the way it seems to close around you like a hand cupping something it wants to keep.
The floorboards shift and murmur beneath your shoes, each one a slightly different pitch, a little song the shop plays every time someone walks through it. The light changes too. Up front near the window it is still touched by the last of the late afternoon sun, gold and generous, falling in long slanted columns through the glass and catching the dust motes that drift between shelves in slow motions.
But back here it softens into something warmer and more amber, carried mostly by two small wall mounted lamps whose shades have gone slightly yellowed with age and whose light has the particular quality of something that has been in the same place for a very long time and has no intention of moving.
You pass the first row of shelves without stopping. Nonfiction. You know every spine here by heart, know the weight and dimension of each one without needing to look.
Then the second, a narrow corridor of photography books and art history, oversized and slightly dusty at the top where no one can comfortably reach, the kind of books that exist mostly to be beautiful and occasionally to be opened on a rainy afternoon by someone with nowhere particular to be.
Then the third, which is where most people stop, drawn in by the display of newer releases Rosie arranges with quiet pride every week, a handwritten card tucked in front of each one describing it in two or three sentences in her looping, generous handwriting, the letters slightly uneven in the way of someone who has written by hand their entire life and sees no reason to apologise for it.
But you keep going.
The fourth row is yours. Or at least, that is how it has always felt, that particular sensation of arriving somewhere rather than passing through. It is the furthest from the entrance, tucked into the back left corner of the shop where the wall meets a small crooked window that looks out onto the brick side of the neighbouring building, a view of approximately nothing that somehow manages to feel like enough.
The shelves here hold what Rosie once described, with complete sincerity and without a trace of irony, as the books that are waiting for the right person.
Music history. Opera. Theatre. Biographies of composers and conductors and singers who lived and died for the stage, who gave everything they had to the work and seemed to consider this a reasonable trade. Books on orchestration and vocal technique, on the architecture of old opera houses, on the lives that unfolded behind heavy velvet curtains in cities you have only ever seen in photographs.
Most of them are a little dusty. Most of them have not been touched in a long time. They are not the kind of books people tend to reach for on a casual afternoon, not the kind that answer simple questions or provide easy comfort.
They require something. A particular kind of longing, a willingness to sit with want for its own sake, to find something almost pleasurable in the ache of a dream that belongs to a version of you that no longer quite exists.
You have always had that longing, though you have never quite found the words to explain it to anyone. You are not entirely sure you have ever tried.
Your headphones are still on, settled over your ears the way they almost always are when you are out in the world. Over ear, worn soft with use, the padding slightly compressed on the left side from years of being tilted when you sleep, the cord trailing down to disappear into the front pocket of your trousers with the comfortable familiarity of something that has been doing this for a long time.
You wear them everywhere. Not as a statement, not to shut people out entirely, though that is sometimes a convenient secondary benefit you would never admit to, but because the music inside them has always been the most reliable company you know how to keep. The kind that does not ask anything of you. The kind that is simply there.
Right now, just as you reach the back shelf and begin to run your fingertips along the spines with the slow attention of someone reading a map, what fills your ears is an operetta. The strings rise and fall with that particular warmth that only older recordings seem to carry, a little scratchy at the edges as though the sound itself has aged, full of breath and life underneath, the kind of recording that sounds like it was made in a room full of people who knew they were doing something that mattered.
A tenor sings something lush and slightly melancholy and entirely beautiful, the melody moving through you the way only music can, bypassing everything your mind would normally filter and landing somewhere deeper than thought, somewhere you usually keep fairly well defended.
You pull one of the new arrivals from the shelf. It is a thick volume, the cover a deep burgundy with gold lettering slightly raised from the surface, a history of the Viennese operetta tradition spanning nearly two hundred years.
You turn it over in your hands slowly, reading the back with the careful attention you give to all books before deciding whether they deserve to come home with you, running the sentences past some internal test whose exact criteria you have never been able to fully articulate but which has never led you wrong.
Then you open it near the middle, just to feel the pages, just to see how the text sits on the paper, whether it breathes or whether it sits there like obligation.
It breathes. You tuck it under your arm.
You reach for another one. This one is slimmer, a biography of a mezzo soprano who performed in the early part of the last century, her face on the cover tilted slightly upward in that formal, almost sculptural way that photographs from that era always seem to have, as though the subjects understood they were being preserved rather than simply captured.
You have never heard of her. That is precisely why you are interested. You open the first page and read the opening paragraph and it is immediately clear that whoever wrote this book loved her, loved the subject, stayed up too late too many nights with it and put something of themselves into every sentence that cannot be faked and cannot be manufactured.
You add it to the stack under your arm.
The music shifts in your ears. The tenor gives way to a full orchestral passage, strings and woodwinds threading around each other in something almost playful, almost dancing, a moment of levity in the middle of something that has been carrying a great deal of feeling.
Without entirely deciding to, you let yourself be carried by it for a moment. Your eyes close briefly. When you open them you are still standing in the same corner of the same small shop, the amber light falling across the worn spines in front of you, the faint smell of old paper and beeswax polish and something faintly floral that you have always associated with this place specifically and nowhere else.
Something in you has loosened, just a little. The way it always does here.
You reach for a third book and that is when you begin, very quietly, to hum.
It is not something you decide. It never is. The melody simply finds its way out of you the way it always has, slipping past whatever guard you keep posted at the edges of yourself, quiet enough that you are certain no one could hear it, certain enough that you do not think about it at all. Just a breath of sound, really.
A low, almost inaudible thread of the melody playing in your ears, your lips barely parting for it. Your shoulders have dropped without you noticing. Your jaw has unclenched. You are turning the third book over in your hands, a study of theatrical staging traditions across three centuries, when a few of the words begin to come too, just the ghost of them, just the shape of the vowels, soft enough that they could be mistaken for breathing.
You do not notice that you are doing it.
What you also do not notice, because you have no reason to look, is that you are not alone in this corner of the shop.
She had come in because the door was open.
That was the simple truth of it. Wanda Maximoff had been walking down this particular side street because she had taken a wrong turn trying to find a different road entirely, one of those small navigational failures that turns out, in retrospect, to have been something else.
The door of the shop had been propped open with a small painted stone in the shape of a cat, and the afternoon light had been falling across the threshold in that particular way that makes certain spaces look like invitations, golden and soft-edged and entirely without obligation.
She had stepped inside without much deliberation, which was not entirely characteristic of her. She was not usually the type to wander into places unplanned.
Her life was, by design and long habit, quite precisely organised, the way the life of someone who manages a great deal of people and a great many expectations tends to become. There was a satisfaction in that organisation, a particular kind of ease that comes from knowing exactly what is going to happen next. She had not always been someone who appreciated that ease. She had learned it.
But here she was, standing just inside the door of a very small and very cluttered bookshop on a side street she had not intended to be on, and something in the quality of the light and the smell of old paper and the particular silence of the place, a silence that was not empty but inhabited, made her not immediately want to leave.
She had spent a few minutes near the front, running her eyes over the shelves with the measured interest of someone who reads a great deal but has not had much time for it lately. She had picked up two books and set them back down, both with reluctance. She had noted, with quiet approval, the handwritten cards Rosie placed in front of the new arrivals, finding something charming and slightly anachronistic in the specificity of the descriptions, the sense that someone had taken genuine time to think about them.
She had exchanged a brief and pleasant smile with the older woman at the counter, whose warmth was so immediate and uncomplicated that it made Wanda think of things she did not usually let herself think about in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon.
She had drifted further into the shop, following the pull of curiosity the way she sometimes allowed herself to on afternoons when her schedule had an unexpected gap in it, which was not often, and which she had learned to use rather than resist.
She had ended up in the second to last row, her attention caught by a shelf of books on art history, and she had been standing there quietly for several minutes when she heard it.
At first she was not entirely sure what she was hearing. It was very faint, almost below the threshold of something you would call sound at all. More like the memory of sound, or the idea of it, the suggestion that somewhere nearby something was vibrating in a way that was not quite incidental.
But she was someone who had spent the better part of her adult life training her ear to hear exactly this kind of thing. The unguarded moment. The voice before it knows it is being listened to. The note that escapes before the singer thinks to hold it back. She heard these things the way a painter sees colour that other people have stopped registering, with a precision that had long since ceased to feel like effort and had simply become the way she moved through the world.
She heard it now with that precision, and what she heard made her go very still.
Someone was singing.
Not properly. Not with intention or performance or any of the technical apparatus that surrounds a voice that has been trained. But singing nonetheless, threading through an operetta melody with a quality that she recognised in the way you recognise a key fitting a lock you had not known was locked. Warmth.
A naturalness that was not the absence of tension but something underneath tension, something that lived deeper than whatever was covering it. A kind of resonance that she had learned, over ten years of this work, could not be manufactured. Could not be taught. Either a person had it or they did not, and the vast majority of people who stood in front of her did not, and when she encountered it in a place she had not expected it she paid attention.
She tilted her head slightly, listening.
The voice was low, careful without knowing it was being careful. There was tentativeness at its edges, the tentativeness of something that has not been used properly in a long time and is operating mostly on instinct.
But beneath that tentativeness was something that made her set down the book she had been holding and simply stand there in the quiet amber light of the second row, listening to a voice she had not heard before, filtering it through everything she knew, and arriving at a conclusion that was entirely clear.
She stood very still for another moment, making sure. Then, quietly, with the particular unhurried deliberateness of someone who does not rush toward things they have already decided to pursue, she moved toward the end of the row and turned the corner.
The contrast was immediate and almost amusing, in the way that unexpected things sometimes are when you are someone who has learned to appreciate the texture of the unexpected.
You were standing at the back shelf with a small stack of books under one arm, turning a third one over in your hands, entirely absorbed. Your headphones sat over your ears, one side still fully on, the cord trailing down to disappear into your trousers.
You were wearing dark cargo trousers, a little worn at the knees in the way of clothing that gets worn because it is comfortable rather than maintained because it is presentable, and a soft, somewhat oversized jumper in a muted earthy green that looked like it had been through many washes and had only improved with each one.
Your shoes were sturdy and unassuming. A grey across body bag hung loosely at your hip. Your glasses had slid down your nose in the particular way of glasses on someone who moves their head a lot and does not notice.
There was nothing deliberate about any of it. No effort made toward appearance, no concession to how you might be perceived.
It was the look of someone who had dressed entirely for themselves and given the matter approximately thirty seconds of consideration, and somehow that absence of effort had produced something that was entirely coherent, the specific coherence of a person who knows who they are even when, or perhaps especially when, they are not trying to communicate it.
She, by contrast. Her wide legged trousers in a deep matte black fell in a clean, unbroken line from her waist to the polished point of her ankle boots. Her blouse was ivory, precisely tucked. Her coat, long and structured in charcoal that was almost black, sat on her shoulders with the ease of something that had been made specifically for them.
Around her neck a deep plum silk scarf looped loosely twice, and her dark blonde hair fell past her shoulders in the kind of soft, considered waves that appear effortless because someone has worked very hard to make them so.
She wore small gold earrings and several thin rings on her hands and she carried herself with a physical ease that was not arrogance, not quite, but was the close cousin of it that only arrives in people who have been entirely certain of themselves for long enough that the certainty has stopped needing to announce itself.
She looked, in short, like someone who had arrived from an entirely different world and wandered into this corner of a dusty bookshop by some elegant accident.
She watched you for a moment. You were still softly singing, still entirely elsewhere, your lips just barely shaping the words now, something tender and unguarded happening in your face that she suspected you would be thoroughly mortified to know anyone had witnessed.
She leaned one shoulder against the end of the shelf and waited one more breath.
"Do you sing?"
You did not hear her.
This was evident from the fact that you continued to turn the book over in your hands and continued to sing softly and showed no sign whatsoever of having registered that someone had spoken. She observed this with a flicker of something that was almost amusement and pitched her voice slightly higher.
"Do you sing?"
This time it landed. You looked up with the expression of someone whose internal world has just been interrupted rather abruptly by the external one, that specific blankness that takes a half second to resolve into comprehension. Your eyes found her and your brows pulled together, and then you reached up and pulled the headphone off your ear, not all the way, just tipping it back so it rested against the side of your head.
"Sorry, what?"
She tilted her chin very slightly in your direction, the way someone might gesture toward a thing that has just happened rather than a thing they are asking about.
"I asked if you sing."
Something moved through your face. Not dramatically, not with any great display of emotion, but a subtle reorganisation, a door that had been standing open quietly pulling itself shut. Your eyes dropped back to the book in your hands.
"Why would I?" The words came out with an edge that you had not quite decided to put there, the reflex of someone who has learned that the best defence is a good offence and applies this to most situations before they have had time to assess whether it is necessary.
She let it sit for a moment, in the particular way of someone who has heard it and is choosing what to do with it.
"Because you were just doing it," she offered simply. "A few seconds ago."
You did not look up immediately. When you did, there was something in your expression that was not quite embarrassment and not quite irritation, something hovering between the two in the specific way of a person who has been caught doing something they consider private and has not yet decided how to respond to being caught. Your jaw was set in a way that was just slightly too deliberate to be casual.
"I was not singing," you said flatly.
"You were," she returned with a smile, with the particular quality of someone stating a fact they have no emotional investment in but will not be argued out of. Not unkindly. Simply clearly.
A beat of silence settled between you. You looked at her properly then for the first time, taking her in with the unhurried assessment of someone who has learned to categorise people quickly and is doing so now. The coat, the scarf, the particular quality of her stillness.
The way she met your gaze with an ease that most people did not have, the ease of someone who has no particular reason to look away and does not see why they should pretend otherwise. People like her had always effected in you a complicated reaction that you had never bothered to fully unravel, something between fascination and the particular brand of irritation that is fascination's less honest sibling.
"It was nothing," you said, and there was a bite to it now, a sharpness that you deployed the way other people might deploy a shield. You turned and slid one of the books back into its gap on the shelf with more precision than was necessary, making a point of returning your attention to the spines in front of you.
She would lose interest. People with that quality of composed certainty always eventually found something more interesting to direct it toward, and then this would simply be over.
She did not move.
"It was not nothing," she countered stepping besides you and leaning against the shelf, and then, after a pause that had something almost considered in it, "You have a very good natural tone."
The words arrived in a place that had not been braced for them. You looked at her with the expression of someone who does not know what to do with a compliment they have not asked for and cannot quite dismiss and is finding this deeply inconvenient.
"Right," you said, with the particular flatness of someone deploying the word as a door rather than an acknowledgment.
"I mean it," she said, and the evenness of her tone was somehow more disarming than emphasis would have been.
"Sure you do." You turned back to the shelf, pulling out another spine, and the dismissal in your posture was deliberate and clean. She would find it boring soon enough. They always did.
She regarded you for a moment with the patient attention of someone who has seen this particular performance before and is entirely unimpressed by it, not in a cold way but in the specific way of someone for whom it does not land.
You were not embarrassed in the way of someone caught doing something silly. You were uncomfortable in the way of someone caught doing something that mattered, something private, something you had not offered and did not want observed. She understood the difference because she had spent over ten years learning it.
She filed it away quietly, in the particular place she kept things that were going to be useful later.
Before either of you could say anything further, the sound of footsteps and the cheerful clink of a tray arrived from the direction of the back room. Rosie appeared around the corner of the last shelf carrying two mugs of tea and wearing an expression of uncomplicated delight at the discovery of an unexpected guest, the delight of someone for whom an additional person is always, without exception, a good development.
"Oh, hello love!" she exclaimed, her eyes going immediately to Wanda with the open warmth she extended to everyone who crossed her threshold. "I did not see you back here. New to us I assume, already thought so when you strolled in"
"First time," Wanda confirmed warmly, her voice shifting almost imperceptibly into something softer, more conversational, the register she used when she had set aside the professional version of herself and was simply being a person. "Your shop is lovely. This section in particular."
Rosie beamed in the way of someone receiving a compliment they entirely agree with. She set the tray down on the small footstool she kept near the back shelf for exactly this purpose and pressed a mug into Wanda's hands with the gentle insistence of someone who does not consider tea optional.
"Well, those are Y/N's department really, aren't they, love," she said fondly, glancing over at you with the ease of someone speaking about a family member.
"Introduced me to half of them." She ushered you both toward the counter with small, cheerful gestures, the way she always did when tea was involved, as though proximity to warmth was a moral position worth advocating for.
You had been watching this exchange from the corner of your eye, your thumb running absently along the bottom edge of the pages in your hand. You accepted the second mug when Rosie pressed it toward you with the automatic ease of long habit, and you settled at the counter with the look of someone who would very much prefer that the conversation not be turning in their direction and is quietly willing it not to.
"Is that so y/n," Wanda murmured with a grin and then she said your name, very quietly, barely above a breath, positioned somewhere between a statement and something else entirely. She was looking at you with an expression that was professionally neutral and contained, underneath the neutrality, something that was cataloguing information with considerable interest.
"They've been coming here for years," Rosie continued comfortably, settling herself onto the little stool with the satisfaction of someone who considers a good conversation one of the primary pleasures of existence and has arranged her afternoon accordingly.
"Half the reason I expanded this section at all." She paused, tilting her head in the particular way she had when she was about to say something she had been thinking about for a while without being entirely sure of the wisdom of saying it.
"It would have been something nice, wouldn't it, love, if that dream school had worked out."
It was said without any particular weight. Rosie said many things without weight that nonetheless landed heavily, not from carelessness but from that specific quality of the very old and very fond, who have earned the right to speak plainly because they have loved plainly for long enough and know that plain love is the most honest kind.
You almost choked on your tea and spent a moment performing the act of swallowing with slightly more attention than it usually required, gathering yourself back into something that would pass for ordinary.
Your thumb went still against the pages. Something moved in your jaw, tightened briefly and released, the way it did when you were closing a door that had been inadvertently opened.
"Yeah," you said, and your voice came out flat and quiet and finished, the tone of someone who has deposited the words and is walking away from them. "Would have been something."
Rosie nodded in the way she did when she understood she had touched something and was choosing not to press. Her expression softened into something warm and a little sorry. Her hand moved to yours for a moment, a brief and gentle contact, and then withdrew.
Wanda had said nothing during any of this. But she had heard it. All of it, every word and the particular quality of the silence around each one, and the way your hand had stilled, and the thing your face had done in the half second before you had remembered to manage it. She had been watching, which was something she was very good at and very practiced in, and she had seen considerably more than you had offered.
She always did.
"Well," she said, setting down her mug and reaching into the inner pocket of her coat. Her movements were unhurried and precise, the movements of someone for whom physical composure is so habitual it has ceased to require effort. "I am afraid I must be going. It has been a genuinely lovely few minutes."
She produced a card, clean and ivory, printed on stock that had a weight to it, the kind of weight that communicates something about the person who chose it. "Thank you for the tea," she said to Rosie, who waved a hand and beamed.
Then she turned to you and extended her hand.
You took it, briefly, because it would have been strange not to.
She pressed the card into your palm at the same moment, and held your gaze for just a moment longer than was strictly necessary, the way someone does when they want to make sure something has been received.
"Sunday at three," she said. Her voice was entirely even, conversational, as though she were remarking on the weather or the quality of the tea. "If you would like to change something about the past."
You looked at her. She didn't knew what school you talked about but together with your reaction to her pointing out your singing, she had an inkling.
She held the look for a half second more, then released your hand and turned to say a warm goodbye to Rosie, and she walked back through the shop toward the door with the unhurried ease of someone who has never once left a room in a way that suggested they were in a hurry. The warmth of her fingers lingered against your palm like something you had not asked for and could not immediately put down.
The bell rang softly as the door swung shut behind her.
You stood at the counter with a card in one hand and three books under the other arm, and you looked down at it for approximately half a second before tucking it into your back pocket without reading it.
"Interesting woman," Rosie offered, from her stool.
"Mm," you said, which was the most honest answer available.
You stayed for another twenty minutes or so, long enough to finish your tea and let Rosie walk you through the new delivery with the pride of someone who has been looking forward to presenting these gifts.
You ended up with a fourth book, a slim study of the chorus in classical Greek theatre and its relationship to the operatic tradition, something you had not known existed and wanted immediately and with a fervour that slightly surprised you.
Rosie rang you up with her usual careful precision and slipped the receipt into the top of the paper bag, and you said goodbye with the warmth of long habit, the warmth of something practiced so many times it has become its own language.
The walk home had the quality of a day that has been too long and knows it, the city settling into the particular tiredness of late afternoon, the light going golden and then grey, the streets quieter than they had been.
Your headphones were back on properly now, both sides, the music filling the available space between your ears in the way you had relied on since you were fifteen years old, a reliable architecture when the external one felt like too much.
You thought about the books. You thought about dinner, which required more energy than you currently had to give it.
You thought, briefly and without intending to, about the way Rosie had said it would have been something, the particular quality of those words, the way they had caught on something on their way through you and left a small snag. You put that away where you put most things. You had a well-organised interior, in the way that people who have had to manage a great deal on their own tend to develop.
You did not think about the card.
That is to say, you were aware of it in the way you are aware of a splinter, a small insistent pressure that you have not addressed. You could feel the slight rectangular weight of it in your back pocket, and you did not take it out, and you told yourself this was because you already knew what it would say, some rehearsal space or vocal studio, some well-intentioned venture you had no particular reason to pursue.
You told yourself the woman had been curious and direct and slightly unusual and that was the end of the story.
You almost believed this.
At home you made dinner with the distracted efficiency of someone going through motions, and you ate at the table with one of the new books open beside your plate, which was a habit Rosie would have thoroughly approved of and which your mother would have found insufferable, back in the time when there had been a dinner table and a mother at it and a version of your life that had resembled something coherent and forward-moving.
You did not follow that thought anywhere.
You read until the light went dark and your eyes began to feel weighted, and then you took the book to the bedroom and climbed into bed and read another three pages before acknowledging to yourself that you had retained exactly none of them.
You set the book on the nightstand.
The room was quiet in the specific way of small flats in the late evening, a quiet that is not quite silence and is close enough to make the absence of the headphones feel noticeable. You looked at the ceiling for a while. Then you reached down to the floor beside the bed, found the trousers, extracted the card.
You held it up in the dim light.
The paper was good. You had registered this briefly when she pressed it into your hand, the particular weight and texture of something that had been chosen with care. The printing was clean and dark on ivory, the lettering precise. You read the institution's name first, because it was the largest element, rendered in small capitals across the top.
You read it again.
And then a third time, because the first two had not quite resolved into something your brain was prepared to simply accept.
It was one of the oldest performing arts conservatories in existence. You knew it the way you knew certain other things that had lived in your imagination since childhood, the way you knew the names of opera houses in cities you had never visited, theatres whose stages had held the most extraordinary performances of the last century.
You had walked past the building many times and always slowed slightly without meaning to, looking at the pale stone facade and the tall arched windows with the particular attention you reserved for things you were not going to let yourself want too directly. It was not the kind of name that appeared on the business cards of people you encountered in the back corners of small bookshops on ordinary Wednesday afternoons.
Below the institution's name, in a smaller and equally precise font, was hers.
Professor Wanda Maximoff. Voice and Stage Direction. Senior Faculty.
You lay very still in the dim room and felt something move through you that you recognised immediately and did not welcome. It started behind your sternum, a sudden warmth, the particular feeling of something that has been held very still for a very long time suddenly wanting very badly to move.
You had known this feeling before. You had known it at nine years old, when you had still been someone who wanted things without immediately cataloguing the reasons you should not, when the idea of standing on a stage and letting something out into the world had seemed not like a fantasy but like an inevitability, something that was simply going to happen because it was supposed to.
You had not felt it in a long time.
And underneath it, already present, already pressing against the warmth from below, the other thing. The cold that had been living in you since long before you could name it, the particular cold of a fear that has been carried so long it has become part of your architecture.
What if the longing had always been bigger than the capacity. What if you stood somewhere in front of people who knew what they were listening to and found out once and for all that the thing you had been quietly believing about yourself had never been real. That the wanting had disguised itself as talent and the disguise had been very good and you were the last person to know.
You put the card down on the nightstand beside the book. You turned off the lamp. You lay in the dark and told yourself it was nothing, that she had heard a minute of you humming in a bookshop and was perhaps simply the type of person who collected interesting things and you were the most recent interesting thing and it would pass.
You told yourself you would think about it tomorrow.
You did not sleep well.
The following days behaved themselves with a normalcy you appreciated and did not entirely trust.
Work was work, which meant it was administrative and unglamorous and occupying in the particular way of tasks that demand attention without stimulating it. You answered things and filed things and attended one meeting that could have been an email and one email that could have been nothing at all.
You came home and cooked and read and put your headphones on and walked through the city in the early evenings, letting the music do what it always did, which was to make the world slightly more bearable and slightly more beautiful than it managed on its own.
The card sat on your nightstand. You had stopped looking at it directly, the way you stop looking at things that are making you think thoughts you have not yet decided how to handle. But you were aware of it with every part of your peripheral attention.
It was there the way something is there when you are not looking at it, the way a conversation you are not ready to have sits in the room with you and declines to leave.
On the third day you picked it up and read it and set it back down.
On the fourth day you left it exactly where it was and spent four hours at work not reading a report you were supposed to be reading and instead conducting a very thorough internal debate that arrived nowhere conclusive.
On the fifth day, which was a Friday and which had been overcast all afternoon, you went for a long walk with the volume in your headphones turned up higher than usual, which was something you did when you were trying to outrun a thought, and found yourself standing on the far side of the square looking at the conservatory's facade in the early evening light.
You had not intended to be there. Or rather, your feet had intended it and had not consulted you until it was too late to pretend you had been going somewhere else.
The building was very large. It was very old and very serious and it had the particular gravitas of a place where things had been done at the highest possible level for so long that the doing had left something in the stone itself. It occupied most of one end of the square, its pale facade and tall arched windows looking out over the wide cobbled space with a composure that had nothing to prove.
It was the kind of building that made you feel, standing in front of it, that your entire life had been happening at a smaller scale than you had realised.
You stood there for a while with your hands in your pockets and the music in your ears and the grey light settling over the square around you. People moved through it with the purposeful ease of people who know where they are going.
You stood among them like a stone in a current and thought about what it had been like to be nine years old and to have passed an audition and to run home through the autumn streets with the news burning in your chest like something wonderful.
You thought about how, eight months later, none of that had been true anymore.
You turned and walked home without deciding anything.
On Sunday morning you woke early and lay in bed looking at the ceiling for an hour, which was not something you usually did but which felt, this particular morning, unavoidable. At some point you reached over and picked up the card from the nightstand without quite deciding to.
Sunday at three.
You put the card down. You made tea and stood at the window drinking it, looking out at the street below, which was quiet in the Sunday morning way, generous and unhurried, the city taking a breath. You told yourself clearly and with some firmness that you were not going.
Your feet moved before the rest of you had quite caught up.
You almost turned back four times.
The first time was at the end of your own street, where the ordinary familiarity of the surroundings made what you were doing feel suddenly and specifically absurd.
You were walking toward something you had not agreed to, with no plan and no prepared version of yourself, and the sensible thing was clearly to turn around and spend the afternoon with the new books, which was what you wanted, which was genuinely what you wanted.
You kept walking, and your hands stayed in your pockets, and the headphones were around your neck like a safetynet you had made without meaning to.
The second time was when the conservatory came into view across the square and its scale asserted itself in a way it had not quite managed from a distance. It was very large. It was very serious. It had the gravitas of a place where things had been done at the highest possible level for so long that the doing had left something in the stone, a kind of sediment of accomplishment that was not arrogant but was entirely uninterested in being anything other than what it was.
You reminded yourself that you were going to look at a thing and then leave, possibly quite quickly, and that no one was making you do anything, and kept walking.
The third time was at the entrance, where the plaques on either side of the door listed the names of notable alumni in small bronze lettering. You stood reading them with your hands in your pockets, names you knew from recordings and programmes and the books you kept in the fourth row of Rosie's shop, names that belonged to people who had stood in front of audiences and been extraordinary. You stood there for a full forty seconds and thought very seriously about going home.
Then someone came through from the inside and held the door with a politely expectant expression, and you went in.
The fourth time was somewhere in the middle of the building, fifteen minutes after entering it, when it became apparent that the interior was considerably more complex than the exterior suggested.
A labyrinth arrangement of high ceilinged corridors and staircases and interconnected wings that seemed to expand as you moved through it, the floors shifting from worn stone to old parquet without warning, the ceilings vaulted in some sections and lower and wood panelled in others, the walls hung with photographs and framed programmes and reviews that stretched back over a century.
You slowed at a production photograph from forty years ago, the stage bathed in a quality of light that seemed to belong to a different era of understanding how light could work.
You stopped at a handwritten letter in a glass case, the signature at the bottom a name you had seen on the spines of three books you owned. You stopped longest in front of a painting, oil on canvas, depicting a woman in a rehearsal room with her mouth open in the middle of a note and her hands very slightly extended and her eyes directed at something above and beyond the frame, something the painter had not been able to include and had been honest enough not to invent.
You looked at it for longer than you meant to.
Eventually you found the right corridor because you could hear a piano from somewhere ahead, and then you found the right room because there was a small folded card on the floor outside it with your name written on it in handwriting that was precise and unhurried and entirely itself, the handwriting of someone who does not rush and does not second-guess.
You stood in front of that card for a moment, looking at your name in someone else's handwriting in a corridor you had never been in before.
Then you knocked.
"Come in," said a voice from inside, with an ease that settled into the space around you like something that had been there before you arrived.
The room was larger than you had expected, though perhaps it should not have been, given the scale of everything else in the building. It was a proper rehearsal room, high ceilinged and well lit, with a long mirror covering most of one wall and a sprung wooden floor that registered your footsteps with a faint resonance that was not quite an echo, more like an acknowledgment.
There were two chairs near the window, a music stand and in the far corner, taking up a generous portion of the space with the easy self-possession of an object that has occupied a room for a long time and has no reason to apologise for it, a grand piano. Black, polished, its lid raised, the interior dim and waiting.
She was standing beside it with one hand resting on the lid. Not leaning, exactly. Just touching it in the way of someone entirely at home, the way you might rest your hand on a fence post at the edge of your own garden.
She was dressed more casually than she had been in the shop, which by her own standards meant a high-necked blouse and tailored trousers in warm charcoal, low-heeled shoes. Her hair was pulled back.
She looked like herself, whatever that meant, which was to say that she looked entirely in command of the immediate space and entirely unconcerned with whether or not this was apparent, and she was watching you cross the room toward her with an expression that was professionally composed and contained, underneath that composure, something that might have been satisfaction.
"You came," she observed, in a voice that found its way beneath your skin before you had quite braced for it.
"I was in the area," you said, adjusting the strap of your bag with the studied nonchalance of someone who has had a great deal of practice at looking like they do not care about things they very much care about.
The corner of her mouth moved, very slightly, in a way that acknowledged this without accepting it.
"Sit down," she offered, gesturing toward one of the chairs near the window. "Or stand, if you prefer. Whichever you are less likely to bolt from."
You made a sound that was in the approximate shape of a laugh, dry and unimpressed, and sat down, because sitting felt like less of a binding than trying to find a way to stand that looked comfortable, and because her tone had a quality of calm certainty that made you want to comply without being entirely sure why, which annoyed you mildly.
She settled at the piano bench, turning slightly so that she faced you and the keys equally, one hand resting in her lap and the other lying along the edge of the keys without pressing them.
"I am going to ask you a few things," she began. "I would like honest answers, even if the honest answer is I do not know. Can you do that, darling?"
The endearment dropped into you like something into still water, a small disturbance spreading outward. You kept your expression completely level.
"Depends on the question," you returned, with just enough bite to remind yourself you were here on your own terms.
She accepted this with the slight incline of her head that served her as a nod.
"Have you had any formal vocal training?"
"No."
"Instruments?"
A half beat. "When I was younger. Piano and cello mostly. Some others for fun aswell."
"Do you read music?"
"I used to. Mostly." You paused. "I hate music sheets, though."
Something shifted in her expression, an adjustment that was not quite amusement and not quite interest but lived between them. "Interesting," she said. "Do you have a sense of your own range?"
"I don't really sing," you said. "Not properly."
"That is not what I asked," she replied, evenly. "I asked if you have a sense of your own range. What registers feel comfortable, what feels pushed.
Another beat. You were aware that these were very simple questions and that your reluctance to answer them properly was not because they were difficult but because answering them meant engaging with this as a real thing rather than a peculiar Sunday detour.
"Lower register feels easier," you said finally. "When I go higher it depends on the piece."
She nodded and said nothing for a moment, watching you with the attentive patience of someone who is not filling silence because they feel obligated to.
"You played instruments," she said. "Did you enjoy it?"
The question was the simplest one she had asked and somehow the hardest. You looked at the window for a moment.
"Yeah," you said. "I did."
"The singing in the shop. That was operetta."
"I listen to a lot of classical music. Operetta mostly." You paused. "And opera. And musicals, I love them." A beat. "But operetta more than anything."
"Why operetta more?"
You considered this. No one had ever asked you that question. Not once, in all the years of listening, had anyone noticed the distinction enough to ask about it.
"Because it moves," you said, and your voice had lost some of its careful evenness, coming out with a directness that surprised you slightly.
"Opera can be very still. Very formal. Operetta is alive in a different way. The performance, the acting, all of it happening at the same time as the singing instead of just underneath it." You stopped, and then added, "I find stillness harder than movement."
You were not sure why you had said that last part. She was looking at you with an expression you could not quite read, and you regretted it slightly.
"Right," she said, with the particular quality of someone who has heard considerably more than the words and is keeping it to themselves for now. "We are going to try something."
She turned to the keys without further preamble and played a single chord, full and warm, the kind of chord that does not demand anything but creates a kind of expectation in the air, an opening. Then she began to play something simple, a melody you recognised before she had finished the first bar, a passage from a piece you had known since you were twelve years old, that had lived in your ears through all the years in between.
She sang the first phrase without announcement, simply opened her mouth and sang it, and you heard immediately and with complete clarity why she stood where she stood.
Her voice was not performing and was not showcasing itself. It was doing what it had been built to do, which was to serve the music with the full attention of someone who has spent years learning exactly how to give a thing everything it needs.
A mezzo, rich and precise, the kind of voice that has been worked with the way a craftsperson works with material they understand at a cellular level. It moved through the room and through you in a way that bypassed assessment and simply arrived.
She finished the phrase and looked at you.
"Now you," she said.
You looked at the piano. You looked at your hands, which were resting on your knees with a stillness you had arranged for them deliberately.
"I am not going to," you said, and you meant it, you were fairly certain you meant it.
"You are not able to, or you are afraid to?" she returned, without a flicker of reaction.
The directness of it landed somewhere south of your sternum in a way you did not particularly appreciate.
"Those can be the same thing," you pointed out.
"They can be," she agreed, pleasantly. "They are not always. And in this case I do not think they are." She played the opening chord again, unhurried.
"Just the phrase. Exactly as I sang it. Don't think about it."
"That is not how thinking works," you said.
"I know," she replied. "Try for me, dear. On my count." Her voice was soft and exact at the same time, the particular register of someone who has spent years learning precisely how much pressure to apply, and to whom.
The room was very quiet except for the chord still faintly resonating in the air. You looked at the window for a moment, the pale afternoon light pressing through it, the square beyond.
You thought about leaving. You thought about how that would feel, walking back across that square and home and knowing you had come this far and turned around, and how that particular knowledge would sit in you alongside all the other things that had turned around before becoming anything.
You sang the phrase.
It came out more quietly than you had intended, with a tentativeness at its edges that you could hear and could not entirely prevent. But it came out. All of it, start to finish, more or less on pitch, more or less in time. When you finished there was a silence and you could not look at her.
She played the phrase back on the piano, exactly as she had sung it.
"Again," she said. "Let the sound come from here." She pressed two fingers briefly to her sternum, just below the collarbone. "Not from here." She touched her throat, and your eyes tracked the movement of her hand before you could think to prevent it.
You did it again. Something shifted on the second attempt, some small thing in the physical arrangement of you, a slight opening, a loosening of something that had been held.
"Again," she said.
The third time something happened that you had not anticipated, which was that you stopped thinking about it. Just for the length of the phrase, the internal commentary that had been running since you had walked into the building went quiet, and there was just the music and the room and something in you that had not moved in a very long time, moving.
When you finished you were looking at the wall and the room was silent.
At the piano, Wanda had stopped playing. Her hands rested in her lap and she was looking at you with an expression that was controlled, professional and underneath both of those things, very clearly pleased. Not the performance of pleasure. The real thing, quiet and internal, the satisfaction of someone who has just had a thing they suspected confirmed by evidence.
She let the silence stay for a moment longer than was comfortable.
"There it is," she said quietly.
You looked at her, your exterior still intact, your interior listening with considerably more attention than you intended to show.
"You have something," she continued. "I heard it in the shop and I hear it more clearly now. It is not trained and it is not open and you are working very hard to stay in your own way. But it is there." A pause. "It is very much there."
You did not know what to do with this. You looked at the wall.
"Thank you," you said, and the words came out quieter than you had intended, the address falling away from you almost entirely. "Professor."
She appeared to hear the register of it and chose to respond directly.
"Miss Maximoff," she corrected, warmly, and then, without pause, "I would like to work with you y/n."
You turned to look at her properly. She met your eyes with the same equanimity she had brought to everything since the bookshop, that complete absence of uncertainty about her own position.
"That is a joke," you said, and your eyes were doing something that was almost a glare, not entirely intentional and not entirely regretted.
"I don't make jokes," she replied, plainly. "It is the one area of my life where I have genuinely no sense of humour."
You studied her for a moment.
"I am not a student," you said, and the firmness in your voice was real. "I did not audition. I have no formal training worth mentioning. I cannot read music properly anymore. I spend my days doing administrative work for a company that processes logistics documents and I am deeply unremarkable at it."
You paused. "I am not whoever you think I am."
"You are someone who sang three repetitions of a phrase just now," she said, "and on the third did something that most people who have been formally training for five years cannot do. I am not suggesting you are already what you could be. I am telling you that what you could be is worth my time."
She stood from the bench then, with the deliberate quality of someone who does not make unnecessary movements, and the room shifted slightly to accommodate her upright. "That is not something I say often y/n."
The room was very quiet.
You looked at the piano. You looked at your hands. You thought about the names on the plaques outside the door, and the painting in the corridor, and what it had felt like at nine years old to run home with something burning in your chest that had felt like the beginning of everything.
And underneath that thought, the other one. Already present. Already taking up its familiar amount of space.
"I need to think about it," you said, and your voice was steadier than you had expected.
"Of course," she agreed, already turning back to the piano, gathering sheets with the efficiency of someone whose time is always already doing something. "Take what you need." She produced a second card from her bag, identical to the first but with her teaching schedule printed along the bottom, and placed it on the piano lid. "When you are ready."
You picked up the card. You stood.
She had already returned to the keys, playing something soft and private, not looking at you, as though the conversation had concluded and she had simply moved on to the next thing.
You walked to the door. You stopped with your hand on the handle.
"Miss Maximoff," you said.
She played for a moment more, then let her hands rest.
"Yes, darling," she replied, without turning, and the word was both sharp and soft at once, which was a thing she did that you had not yet decided what to do with.
You did not have a sentence ready. You had not known you were going to stop. You stood there with your hand on the handle and something pressing against the inside of your teeth that was not quite ready to be words.
"Nothing," you said. "Never mind."
She said nothing. You went out.
In the corridor, with the door closed behind you, you stood very still for a moment. The building was quiet around you, carrying the particular silence of large spaces where music usually lives, a silence that is not empty but poised.
You put your headphones on.
You walked home with the card in your pocket and the music in your ears and something that was not quite hope and not quite fear moving around in your chest, occupying the same space with uncomfortable familiarity, the way those two things have always occupied the same space in you when something is about to begin.
You sent a message two days later. Not a call, because calling felt like more commitment than you were ready to offer in a single gesture and you were still very much at the stage of managing the size of your gestures carefully.
The message was brief and deliberately casual in the way of things trying not to look like what they are. It said that you were in, if the offer still stood.
She replied within the hour. The offer stood. Come Thursday at six.
You came Thursday at six.
The room was the same room. The piano was in the same corner. She was there already, at the window looking out at the square below, and she turned when you came in with the expression of someone who had expected you at exactly this time and was neither surprised nor particularly demonstrative about it.
"Professor," you said, by way of greeting, setting aside what she had offered the last time. It was a choice you were aware of making and did not fully examine.
Something about the formal address felt like ground you knew how to stand on, and you were not ready to give it up yet.
"You can call me Miss Maximoff if you like," she said, and something moved through her expression that was in the neighbourhood of amusement without quite being it, the look of someone observing a choice being made and finding it interesting. "Or Wanda. It remains entirely up to you."
"Miss Maximoff," you pressed, quickly.
She accepted this with a small nod that gave nothing away and moved to the piano.
What followed over the next several weeks had a quality that you had not expected and could not have prepared for. It was both entirely structured and entirely alive, the specific tension of something that has been built with care and has found its own momentum.
She was not the kind of teacher who worked from a predetermined script. She watched and listened with the focused attention of someone cataloguing not just what was there but what was underneath it and what was sleeping entirely, and she built each session around what she found, with the precision of someone who had been doing this long enough to know that the work is always specific and always personal and never the same twice.
She was also, as you discovered very quickly, not remotely interested in softening her observations.
"That was not good," she noted after the fourth time you attempted a particular passage in one of your early sessions, and her tone was entirely matter of fact, containing no cruelty and landing with the brisk directness of something that expects to be used rather than felt badly about.
"You are pushing from the wrong place again. Do you feel where it is getting tight?"
"In my throat," you said, which was the most forthcoming you had been without being directly asked.
"Yes. You are trying to reach the note from the outside rather than letting it come from the inside. The note does not live in your throat." She pressed two fingers to her sternum again. "The throat is just the door. Stop pulling the note through it. Let it walk through on its own."
You tried again. It was better, marginally.
"Better," she said. "Again."
She used that word a great deal. Again. She said it the way someone who is genuinely invested in a thing says it, not with impatience but with the particular quality of someone who believes the next attempt will be different because they have just given you exactly what you need and they are watching to see if you can use it.
It was, you found, both demanding and strangely sustaining. You were not accustomed to that particular combination.
The provocation was something you could not entirely help. You had never been entirely able to help it.
When something made you uncomfortable or when you felt uncertain of the ground, a certain sharpness arrived in you reflexively, the sharpness of someone who has learned that a good offence is at least something to do with the feeling.
"Does it ever bother you," you said one evening, when you had just run the same passage for the third time and it had been wrong in the same place each time, "spending your evenings telling people they're doing things incorrectly?"
"No," she said without hesitation, and played the phrase again without looking up. "It would bother me considerably more to let them continue doing things incorrectly when I could tell them how to do them right." She let the last note settle. "From the top."
You opened your mouth.
"From the top, dear," she added, with a patience so complete it was almost offensive before you could talk more
You sang from the top.
This was how it went. She corrected, you pushed back, and somewhere in the friction the correction landed and the music improved, which was, you were beginning to suspect, entirely the point.
She had a way of using the resistance as something useful, redirecting it back into the work rather than letting it become a weather system in the room.
Every time you found the edge of something that might have escalated into an actual argument she simply stepped aside from it, and you were left holding your own momentum with nowhere to put it except into the next phrase.
It was, you reflected privately, one of the more impressive things you had watched anyone do. You were not going to tell her that.
You also attended her smaller group sessions on Tuesday and Thursday evenings, a class of six students at various stages of their training, all of them formally enrolled, all of them considerably more technically advanced.
The first session was uncomfortable in the particular way of being the most inexperienced person in a room full of people who have earned their places through years of formal work.
You stood at the back and kept quiet and when she asked you to join a particular exercise you did so with the internal experience of someone certain they are doing something wrong and deeply hopeful it is not visible.
It was probably visible.
But the other students were not unkind.
Mostly curious and then mostly indifferent in the comfortable way of people who have enough of their own work to get on with.
One of them, a tall student with excellent diction and a slightly sardonic sense of humour, asked in the third session what your background was and when you told him honestly that you did not really have one, he nodded as though this were interesting but not particularly remarkable and went back to warming up.
After the fourth group session, she stopped you at the door.
"You are listening better than you were," she remarked. "I notice that."
"That is not exactly a compliment," you said.
"It is an observation," she returned and there was something in the tilt of her head, a slight adjustment of angle, that did something to the air between you that you were not going to name. "Compliments are not very useful at this stage. But notice is." Then she was already turning back to the music stand and the conversation was finished.
You stood in the doorway for a half second, not entirely sure what to do with that and then got on with your evening.
On the walk home you thought about the specific quality of it, the way she gave you things without wrapping them in anything, no softening, no excess warmth, just the thing itself presented plainly and then moved past.
You could not decide whether you found this comforting or maddening and then you understood that you found it both and that the combination was oddly motivating in a way you had not expected.
You went home and practiced the passage that had not been good until it was better.
The weeks moved the way weeks do when you are doing something that matters. Quickly and with texture. The days distinguished from one another by small specific things rather than running together in the blur of the unremarkable.
You began to notice things about her that you could not help noticing, in the way you cannot help noticing things when you are paying close attention to something and the something has a great deal worth paying attention to.
She never lost her composure in a session. Not once, not even when you were genuinely difficult and you were sometimes genuinely insufferable, particularly in the early weeks when the gap between what you understood intellectually and what your body knew how to do was wide enough that navigating it felt like trying to describe a colour you had never seen.
She would simply redirect. Always precisely, always with the specific tool for the specific problem, never the blunt instrument of general encouragement when a particular technique was what was actually needed.
No matter how persistently you tested the edges of her patience, the patience held, and the patience was real and this was, in its own way, more unsettling than the alternative would have been.
The endearments were something you had decided, very early, that you were not going to think about. She had a particular repertoire of them that she deployed with the easy unselfconsciousness of someone who has always spoken this way, who moves through language with the naturalness of someone who does not overthink the smaller words.
Sweetheart, when she was particularly focused on getting something across and wanted you to receive it well. Dear, when she was being patient with you, which happened more than you had initially expected her to be capable of. Darling, when something had gone right. Honey, on the evenings when the session had been difficult and she was guiding you back from wherever you had gone in your frustration.
They were not calculated, you were fairly certain of that. They were simply part of the texture of her.
This did not stop them from doing something in you that you were not going to look at directly.
You were also not going to look at the other things you had noticed. The way she stood when she was pleased with a session, that particular quality of stillness that was slightly lighter than her ordinary stillness, the line of her shoulders a fraction less contained.
The way she sometimes watched the group from across the room when you were running an exercise together and you were not looking at her, you were looking at your score, but something in the edge of your awareness registered that her gaze had settled somewhere specific and that somewhere specific was occasionally, specifically, you.
You were not going to think about that. You were especially not going to think about the fact that you had noticed.
Instead you thought about the music, which was easier and had the considerable advantage of being something you could work on in concrete, specific ways rather than simply experiencing without any possibility of response.
But underneath the music, the fear had not gone anywhere. If anything it had grown more defined as the work became more real, because every session that went well made the eventual performance more concrete, and the more concrete the performance became, the more the fear had to attach itself to. It was patient in the way of things that have nowhere else to be.
It waited.
You went back to see Rosie on a Thursday in the fifth week, arriving an hour before the evening session. She greeted you with the warmth of someone who has been wondering where you were and is too well-bred to say so directly.
"You look different," she announced, studying you with the frank interest of the very elderly.
"I feel the same," you replied, which was not quite true but was the only version of the truth you knew how to offer at present.
"Mm," she said, in the tone that meant she disagreed and was letting you maintain your position without conceding hers.
You told her, somewhat to your own surprise, about the conservatory. About working with Miss Maximoff. About the fact that it had been happening for a few weeks. You mentioned the facts and left the feeling where it was, which was where you kept most things.
Rosie listened with a quality of attention that was very still and very warm. Then she looked at you and said, in the voice she reserved for things she meant completely: "Y/N. That is wonderful."
"It is early days," you said. "It might not become anything."
"It is already something," she countered, firmly, in the tone that does not invite further debate. "It is very much something." A pause. "The woman we drank tea with, that gave the card. That was her."
"Yes," you said, reaching for a book on her counter to give your hands something to do.
"Sharp eyes, that one," Rosie said, with the expression of someone quietly confirmed in a thing they had suspected.
"She clearly heard something worth following up on."
You looked at your tea. "She is a very good teacher," you said, which was true and also something you could say without the sentence going anywhere you were not ready for it to go.
Rosie smiled and refilled your mug and told you about an expected delivery, and the conversation moved the way it always did in that shop, in the comfortable direction of books.
______
The faculty of the conservatory became aware of the situation the way colleagues in small professional communities always become aware of things, which is gradually and then all at once.
The first was a professor of music theory who encountered Wanda in the corridor outside the practice rooms one Tuesday evening and observed, with the precision of someone who kept careful track of these things, that she appeared to have added someone to her group who was not on any official programme roll.
"Interesting," he said, in the tone that is not expressing interest but something more pointed.
"Yes," she agreed, and kept walking.
The second was a colleague she had worked alongside for eleven years, who found her in the staff room two weeks later with the specific expression of someone who has been saving something up.
"People are talking," he said, bringing his mug to his lips with deliberate casualness, "about your unofficial student."
"People talk about many things," she replied, pouring coffee with unhurried attention.
"Wanda. You do not take students outside the formal programme. You have said so. For years."
"I have said it is rare," she returned, glancing at him briefly. "Earned. I did not say it was impossible."
He looked at her. She looked at her coffee.
"They must be something quite extraordinary," he said finally, the curiosity of someone who has known her long enough to know that her exceptions are rarer than her principles.
"Indeed," she said simply. And then she took her coffee and left the staff room.
In the hallway outside she permitted herself, briefly and privately, the expression she did not wear in rooms with other people.
Something slightly warmer than her professional face. Something that had to do with Thursday evenings and the look on your face in the moment when everything in a phrase arrived at once, when you felt it rather than thought itand the thing that happened to your expression in that half second before you remembered to manage it.
The particular quality of someone encountering their own capability as though it belongs to someone else.
She had thoughts about that. She kept them where they belonged, for now.
She went back to work.
There was an evening in the ninth week when she was at the piano running you through a passage that required a particular kind of breath support, a sustained middle note that needed to sit in a very specific place and hold itself there without either pushing upward or losing its core, and you were not finding it.
You had found it twice in the previous session, which had been encouraging. But tonight something in your physical approach was fractionally off and the note kept either lifting too high or thinning at the edges, going slightly hollow in the way that happens when the support wavers and each repetition was landing in the same wrong place with the particular demoralising consistency of a mistake that knows exactly where it wants to be.
"Again," she directed, for what you were
counting as the fifth time.
You tried again. The note lifted again.
You exhaled through your nose with a flatness that expressed, without quite being willing to say, that you were finding this specific failure extremely tedious.
"Okay," she said, and there was something in the quality of her voice that had arrived at the considered edge of its patience, not crossed it, but arrived there with full awareness of its location. She turned on the bench. "Come here." Her words were clear and direct, not unkind, but unmistakably not optional.
You looked at her. Something in your expression flickered, the particular nervousness that arrived whenever she stood up from the piano and came toward you, which was a nervousness you had not yet managed to fully disguise and had stopped pretending you had. She made a small, patient gesture. „I asked you to come here darling"
You moved to stand beside the piano, which placed you perhaps two feet from her, close enough to be very aware of the space and the particular quality of stillness she carried with her into it.
"Feet parallel," she directed, and you adjusted. "Good. Hand here." She guided your hand to your own lower abdomen, your palm flat, her fingers briefly warm against the back of your hand. "Do you feel the breath when you inhale?"
You inhaled. "Yes."
"Good. Sing the note. Keep your attention here." She tapped your hand once, light and exact.
You sang the note. It was slightly better but still not quite right.
She regarded you for a moment. Then, without any particular ceremony, she placed her own hand on your ribcage, just below your sternum, and pressed lightly.
"Breathe into this," she said, and it took you considerably more composure than you had expected to keep breathing at all, let alone in the direction specified. "Not up. Not out. Into my hand."
The instruction was entirely technical. Her tone was entirely professional. Her hand was warm through the fabric of your shirt and she was close enough that you were aware of the exact quality of the air between you and you were fairly certain your face was doing something you would very much prefer it not to be doing.
She gave no indication of noticing.
"Again," she said.
You breathed into her hand and sang the note and this time it sat in the right place, right in the centre, full and settled, not pushed and not collapsed.
Her hand pressed gently. "There. Do you feel the difference?"
You felt several differences, the majority of which were entirely irrelevant to the vocal exercise.
"Yes," you said, face burning
"Good." She held her hand there for another breath, pressing once more as you inhaled to confirm the placement and then she withdrew and her fingers briefly trailed across the fabric. she turned to the piano with the composure of someone for whom this had been entirely unremarkable.
"From the top of the section," she said.
You stood at the music stand with your face pointed at the score and your jaw set in a way that probably looked like concentration and was at least partly other things and the note sat where it was supposed to sit every time.
"Much better," she said, when you finished. "That is what it should feel like."
She made a note in the small notebook on the piano lid and turned the page with the efficiency of someone already moving to the next thing.
You looked at the music stand for a moment.
"Wanda," you said quietly. It was the first time you had used it, not Miss Maximoff, not professor, just her name and it came out smaller than you had intended and more deliberate than you had planned.
She looked up.
You had not planned to say it. It had simply arrived and you both heard it, and the room registered it in some small and specific way, a slight shift in the quality of the air between you.
"Yes my dear ," she said, after a half beat. Her expression did not change, but something in it was paying a very particular kind of attention.
"Never mind," you said, and rubbed the back of your neck in the way you always did when this feeling washed through you, the particular gesture of someone buying time while the rest of them catches up. "I apologise. Ma'am."
She looked at you for a moment longer than was strictly required.
"Wanda is fine," she said. Her voice was perfectly even. "I told you at the beginning. Either is fine."
"Right," you said. "Okay."
She turned the page.
"From the next section," she said.
You sang the next section.
______
She told you about the performance on a Tuesday evening after the group session had emptied out, when you were buttoning your coat and she was gathering sheet music with the neat efficiency she brought to all logistical tasks.
"I want to talk to you about something," she said, drawing you aside with a light gesture that was not quite a hand on your arm and not quite nothing.
You waited.
"The theatre is hosting a student showcase in a few weeks," she said. "It is one of two performance opportunities in the calendar year. Some of the group will be participating." She aligned the music into a precise stack. "I would like you to participate as well."
The room was quiet.
"I am not as prepared as the others," you said.
"You are working with me," she replied.
"That is sufficient."
"The other faculty would not see it that way."
"The other faculty," she returned, with a very slight dryness that was not quite amusement, "do not define my programme."
You looked at the coat in your hands. Then around the room. The mirror. The piano. The music stand where your score had been sitting twenty minutes ago.
"The theatre," you said, mostly to yourself. "The actual theatre. Not this room."
"The main stage," she confirmed. "Yes."
You said nothing for a moment. The main stage of this building was the kind of stage that had those names attached to it, the names on the bronze plaques outside, the names in the framed photographs in the corridors. It seated nearly a thousand people. It had an acoustic reputation you had read about in two separate books.
It was also the stage you had sat in front of as a child, in the years when your world had still been the right shape, when your parents had taken you on winter evenings and you had sat in the dark with the light on your upturned face and felt, for the first time, something that you had spent the rest of your life quietly reaching for.
The fear arrived, specific and immediate, and it was not nerves, not the general anxiety of something new. It was the real thing, with the weight it had always had, the weight of something that has been carried long enough to become familiar.
What if you got up there. What if the thousand people who knew what they were listening to simply confirmed what you had always half believed, which was that the longing had always been bigger than the ability and the ability had never been real.
"Can I think about it," you asked, and it came out more like a question than you had intended.
"Of course," she said, and her gaze was steady on you. "Think carefully. But think quickly. We have only weeks and there is work to do."
She picked up her bag and the music and moved toward the door with the purposefulness of someone who has said the important thing and considers the structural part of the conversation complete. At the door she paused.
"Y/N," her voice carried across the room without being raised.
You looked at her.
"You are ready to try this. I would not suggest it if you were not." She said it without fanfare, without the particular warmth she sometimes put into things, just plainly, the way she gave you all the most important things. Then she went out.
You stood in the empty rehearsal room for several minutes after she left, coat on, hands in pockets, looking at the piano in the corner in the way you sometimes look at things that are both very familiar and very large.
You said yes the following Thursday.
The weeks that followed had a different quality from everything before them. More concentrated. More present. You were in the building four evenings a week now, two group sessions and two individual hours, and in between you practiced in a way you had never practiced anything, with the focused attention of someone who has been given a concrete and specific thing to work toward and can feel the shape of it growing clearer.
The fear grew alongside the work. That was the thing you had not anticipated, or perhaps had anticipated and not admitted to yourself. You had imagined that the doing of the thing would reduce it, that action would eventually outpace anxiety. Instead they grew in parallel, the way two plants will grow alongside each other in the same soil, each making the other more vivid by contrast.
She pushed. That was the word for it, though it did not feel the way the word usually feels. It was not pressure for its own sake, not the pressure of someone who wants to prove something about their own methods.
It was the specific pressure of someone who can see precisely what is there and refuses to let it settle for less than what it could be.
The sessions became, as the weeks passed and the performance grew closer, increasingly charged. Not badly. But the proximity of the real thing sharpened everything, made the corrections more pointed and your responses to them more immediate, stripped some of the comfortable distance out of the room.
"You are in your head again," she said one Tuesday, which was not a correction but an observation delivered with the same precision.
"I live there," you said, adjusting your score on the stand. "It is where I keep most of my things."
"You are in a particular space in your head," she said, "that is not useful. The one with all the hypotheticals." She played the opening chord. "Come out of it."
"It is a very comfortable space," you groaned. "Good light. Nice chair." You tried to joke despite your tension
"It is where good voices go to be wasted," she said, without missing a beat, "which I find it exceedingly tedious. From the top."
You sang from the top.
The banter had a specific texture now, a particular rhythm that belonged only to the two of you in that room. You pushed and she redirected.
You were sharp and she was sharper, but always precisely, never carelessly. You had learned by now that you could not rattle her in any meaningful sense, that your best efforts at deflection simply bounced off whatever it was she was made of and came back at you slightly improved.
This was both exasperating and in a way you were not prepared to examine directly, deeply reassuring.
You had been around people your whole life who could not manage your edges or who expected you to sand them down and she was neither. She simply met them with her own and did not flinch, and the friction between you was warm rather than cold, generative rather than destructive.
What you were not going to look at directly was the effect this had on the more interior parts of you, the parts that had been built carefully over a long time out of the necessity of not needing anyone to manage them. Those parts had very strong feelings about Wanda Maximoff that you were keeping in a locked room for the foreseeable future.
One Thursday, in the twelfth week, something happened that was not planned.
You were running the piece, a section of a Lehár operetta that you had loved since you were fifteen, that had lived in your ears through all the years when you had done nothing with it. You had been working it for weeks.
It was close, very close, to what it needed to be, and you could feel the nearness of it the way you can feel weather changing, a shift in the pressure of things.
She had stopped you three times in the previous half hour, each time for a different and specific reason and you had made each adjustment and run it again, and on the fourth attempt something arrived that had not been there before. Everything the piece required of you appeared at the same time.
The breath, the placement, the intention behind the words, the particular quality of presence she had been asking for since the second week. You sang the section all the way through and held the last note and let it resolve, and the room was very quiet.
You looked at the music stand.
"Wanda," you said, because the silence was a specific kind and you needed to know what it meant.
She was still at the piano, her hands in her lap. When you turned to look at her the expression on her face was not the professional expression and was not the composure and was not any of the carefully maintained things.
It was something quieter than all of those, something almost private, the expression of someone watching a thing they have been working toward for a long time arrive.
She looked at you for a moment. Then she smiled and it was the real one, not the small controlled movement at the corner of her mouth that was the closest she usually came, but an actual full smile and it opened something in her face that was not usually visible, a warmth that was simply there, unmanaged and uncontained, and you looked at it and felt something in your chest do something so immediate and involuntary that you had to look at the wall.
"That," she said quietly, "was what I have been waiting for."
You looked at the floor. Then the wall. Then the music stand again. Something in you was behaving in a way you had not authorised and were not able to immediately stop.
"It will not be like that every time," you said, and it came out rougher than you intended, the automatic reach for something that would restore the comfortable distance.
"No," she agreed. "It will not. But now you know where it is. And once you know where it is, you can find your way back." She stood from the bench and there was a lightness in her movement that you had learned by now to read as satisfaction, the genuine kind that does not need to announce itself. "Go home. Rest. Don't practice tonight."
You looked at her.
"A finished session is finished," she said, and her eyes found yours with a steadiness that you felt somewhere in the bottom of your ribs. "End it when it is good. That is what you carry into the next one."
You put on your coat. At the door you paused, because pausing at the door had become its own kind of habit, a few seconds between the room and the corridor where something small might happen.
"Thank you," you said, and it came out without the usual armour around it.
She was closing the piano lid.
"Thursday," she said, and there was a beat before the rest. "Don't be late."
The session did not start as a breaking point.
If anything, it started too well.
You arrived on time, as always. The room was already set: piano open, light angled across the stand, the quiet order of a space that expected work to happen in it. You went through the warm-up without thinking about it, let the scales settle your breath, your body slipping into familiar patterns that required no conscious effort.
The first section of the piece held.
Not perfectly, but with enough control that you could feel it landing. There were brief and unreliable moments where the sound opened without resistance, where everything aligned just long enough to make you aware of what it could be.
She didn't interrupt.
That alone told you she was listening closely.
You kept going.
And then the middle approached.
You felt it before you reached it. Not as a thought, not even fully conscious, just a shift. A tightening. Your body moving ahead of you again, bracing for something it already knew too well.
Two bars before, your shoulders tightened.
Two bars before, your breath narrowed.
Two bars before, it was already gone.
You hit the phrase.
It broke.
The same way it had broken last time.
And the time before that and the countless times before that.
Not dramatically. Not enough that anyone outside the room would have really noticed. But inside it, the failure had precision. It landed in exactly the same place, with exactly the same weakness, like something repeating itself on purpose.
Silence.
"Again."
You didn't move.
The word hung there, waiting to be picked up, turned into action.
You stayed exactly where you were.
Her hands hovered over the keys for a moment before lowering slowly.
"From two bars before," she added, more specifically now, as if refinement would solve the resistance.
A breath left you. Sharp. Uncontrolled.
"It's not going to be different."
That landed.
Not loudly. Not dramatically. But enough to shift the air.
She didn't respond immediately. That in itself was unusual. Usually, she would redirect, reframe, move the work forward without pause.
Now she just looked at you, hands slowly withdrawing from the keys and coming to rest in her lap.
"It will," she said eventually, measured, but there was already something firmer underneath it. "If you stop preparing for it to fail."
You let out something between a laugh and an exhale with your arms making a frustration gesture that lads with a soft slap against your thighs.
"I'm not 'preparing' anything."
"You are," she countered, not raising her voice, but tightening it as her head snaps to you, eyes finally meeting.
"You close before you arrive. Every time. It is visible." She punctuated every word with her fingers tapping onto her thigh.
"I know where it is," you cut in, sharper now, frustration bubbling over more and more, takin over your common sense and your own well structured mask. "You don't need to keep pointing it out like I'm an idiot!"
There it was. A flicker.
Small. But there. Her head slightly tilted and even tho the shift was barely visible, it almost made you crumble. Her body now fully turn towards you on the chair.
"I am pointing it out," she replied carefully trying to contain what's about to rip open "because you are not adjusting it." She chose to ignore your provocation of words, deciding not giving into it.
You shook your head, irritation rising faster now, less contained.
"Because it's not something I can just switch off."
"Then you learn how."
The answer came too quickly. Too cleanly. Her frustration starting to become apparent.
Something in you snapped against it.
"Oh, right," you said with a bitter huff, the edge fully there now. "Just learn how. That's helpful."
Her posture shifted, straightening in a way that made her initial position above you clearer again.
Not defensive. Not retreating. More direct.
For a second you almost folded, drawn to a place that's closer to her feet than her eye level. But you didn't. You shoved that feeling away, burying it deep down.
"Yes," she said, the edge in her words becoming clearer. "That is how this works."
You stared at her for a second, something building in your chest that had very little to do with the phrase anymore.
"No," you hissed, quieter now but tighter, "that's how you think this works."
"And how do you think it works?"
The question came faster this time. Less patient. The words got an edge to them that suddenly made her seem so intimidating without her even trying to.
It made you swallow.
You looked away.
Because the answer was there, fully formed, pressing at the back of your throat, about to tear out.
What if it doesn't.
What if this is just it.
What if this is all there is.
but you were not going to say that. Not here. Not to her.
"It doesn't matter," you said instead. Flat. Final. "It's not working." You turned slightly and rubbed your forehead with a bit too much pressure.
"That is not an answer." Her words snapped through the air like a whip. In one swift move she rose from her seat at the piano into a perfectly straight posture.
"It's the only one that matters." You grumbled, about to give in.
Silence tightened.
"Sit down," she said, her instruction clear. But exactly this hit something in you. You felt like a child again, being scolded for things you didn't mess up, for things that were so in reach and yet still got away.
You didn't move, your eyes burning and jaw tightening again. You became increasingly angry and defensive again, it pulsated from every nerve.
"Y/N." Her word was sharp and clear, cutting through the air without ever raising her voice. But you resisted despite the uncomfortable goosebumps it left across your irritated skin.
"No."
The word came out immediate. Hard. No hesitation this time. And your eyes snap to meet hers in a daring manner.
That was new.
You saw it land. Saw the shift in her expression, brief, contained, but unmistakable. Something recalibrating. Her chin lifted slightly, shoulders rolling back and head dangerously tilting with sharp eyes.
"I am not asking," she stated, quieter now, which made it more dangerous. "Sit. down."
You let out a short, humorless breath.
"I'm not going to sit down so we can do this again."
"This-," she repeated her hand gesturing between you two and now there was a thread of irritation in it, finally visible. "is the work."
"No," you snapped, louder now and it made her eyebrows raise in a challenging surprise. "This is me doing the same thing over and over again and you pretending that repeating it is going to fix it."
"I am not pretending anything."
"It feels like it."
"That does not make it true."
The words exchanged fast and heated with sharp edges that almost made you flinch. But you were to far gone to fold now.
"And you deciding it is doesn't make it true either! Who the hell do you think you are?!"
That landed harder.
There it was, that line you hadn't crossed before. Not with her.
Something in her composure tightened, then shifted. A sharp breath, a jolt in her neck and slow, dangerous steps towards you.
"Fine," she said barely containing her own anger. "stop talking around it."
She stepped closer. Not enough to crowd you but enough that ignoring her would take effort.
"What is actually happening?"
You looked at her. Why couldn't she just back away, eat your provocation like rat poison.
And for a second you almost said it.
Almost.
"Nothing," you bit out, the word closer to a hiss from a cornered animal.
The word came out too fast. Too empty.
Her expression sharpened.
"Don't do that."
"Do what?" Your arms raised in frustration, daring.
"That," she said, more sharply now, pointing towards your chest. "Reduce it to nothing so you don't have to say anything real."
Something in your chest jolted, anger flaring up fast, hot, defensive.
"You're reading way too much into this."
"No," she shot back, immediate now, stepping closer again. "I am reading exactly what is there, and you are refusing to acknowledge it."
"You don't know what's there."
"I know what I am hearing."
"You're hearing a mistake."
"I am hearing someone stop before they find out what happens if they don't!" Her voice slightly raised toward the end and left a soft echo throughout the room.
That hit.
Too close.
Way too close.
You laughed, short, sharp, wrong.
"Right. That's it. That's the big insight from the goddess herslef."
Her jaw tightened.
"Yes," she said. "It is my insight." Ignoring the men's names again.
The certainty in it made something in you recoil.
"Or," you pushed back, voice rising, now stepping towards her "maybe it's just not good enough."
"That is not the issue."
"How do you know?"
"Because I have ears," she snapped and that was it. The first real crack. "And I have been listening to you for twelve weeks."
"And?"
"And?! I know what you sound like when you stop interfering."
You shook your head, backing away a fraction.
"That doesn't mean anything."
"It means everything!" she firmly stated as the gap between you closed further
"No Wanda, it means you've decided something delusional and now you're trying to force it!"
That landed harder than anything so far.
There was a beat, sharp, suspended where something in her expression shifted into something colder. Not detached. Not indifferent. But offended, in a way she didn't bother to hide this time.
"I am not forcing anything," she said, very controlled. "I am refusing to let you collapse the moment something becomes difficult."
"Maybe I'm just being realistic."
"Maybe you are being avoidant."
The word hit like a strike.
You felt it fast, immediate, unwelcome.
"Don't," you said, low now, warning. „You know nothing avout me or my past"
"Then stop behaving like a fool."
That was it.
Something went.
Not gradually. Not cleanly. Just gone. Messy.
"Okay," you said, louder now, the control dropping out of your voice completely. "You want honesty? Fine."
She didn't move.
You stepped forward instead. Your finger finding her sternum in a direct aim. Now her height advantage over you became more apparent then ever before.
"This isn't working," you said, each word sharper than the last, looking up at her. You withdrew you hand because she didn't even budge.
"Not the piece, not this whatever this is supposed to be. I keep hitting the same wall and you keep telling me it's my fault for seeing it."
"I am telling you-" she leaned forward to your eye level and that struck even harder
"I know what you're telling me!" you cut her off, voice rising over hers now. "I've heard it. Over and over again."
"Then start listening to it."
"I am listening," you snapped. "It just doesn't magically fix anything."
"It is not supposed to magically fix anything-"
"Then what is the point in this bullshit?"
The question hit the room hard.
For a second, neither of you spoke. Them she straightened back up.
"The point," she said, and now there was no softness left at all, "is that you do not get to decide the outcome before you have actually done the work required to reach it."
A short, disbelieving laugh tore out of you.
"I am doing the work."
"No," she said, immediate, cutting. "You are doing the parts of the work that do not require you to risk anything."
That landed like a blow.
You stared at her, mouth slightly ajar.
Something in your chest twisting tight, ugly, exposed.
"That's not-" she had the upper hand now
"It is," she pressed, stepping in again, not backing off now. "You stay exactly within the range where you can still tell yourself that if it fails, it is because you did not fully commit and was never meant to be."
"That's not true."
"Then prove it y/n!"
The words came out sharper than she intended.
You saw it immediately.
So did she.
But it was too late.
Something in your expression shifted to hard, immediate an final.
"Right" you said, voice dropping, but not calmer: colder. "That's what this is."
"That is no-"
"No, it is," you cut in, the anger now cleaner, more focused. "You think I'm just not trying hard enough."
"I think you are holding back."
"Same thing."
"It is not the same thing."
"It feels the same from here."
Silence snapped tight again.
You shook your head, grabbing your bag.
"This is pointless."
"Y/N-"
"No," you said, louder now, not letting her finish, whipping back around to look at her. "I'm done."
You reached for the score, shoved it back onto the stand without care this time. The pages slipped, misaligned, half sliding off.
"You should find someone else," you added, the words coming fast now, sharper, easier than anything honest. "Someone you can actually turn into whatever it is you're trying to get out of this."
"I am not trying to turn you into anything."
"That's exactly what this feels like."
"It feels like that because you are resisting-"
"Or maybe," you snapped, cutting across her again, "I'm just not your little toy you can correct and bend to your satisfaction."
That stopped her.
Not dramatically.
But completely.
The silence that followed was different.
Still.
Measured.
Final, in a way nothing else had been.
You slung your bag over your shoulder.
"I'm not your stupid little project," you said, the last line landing harder than you intended.
Something in her expression stilled, not breaking, not reacting, just... locking into place.
"No," she said, very quietly now. "You never were..."
You didn't stay long enough to hear what else might have followed.
You were already moving.
Already at the door.
Already gone
I have another question for you before Ill post at the weekend. Currently it looks like I’ll post this very long one I’ve been writing for a while. In the last survey most of you voted for it.
At the survey I said it will be about 15k words and before that I asked if I should split it in parts. Yeah nevermind, currently I’m at 22.385 words and I’m about 2/3 done with where I want it to go.
Does tumbler have a limit for words to post? Do you still want it as one veeeeeery long one (30-35k words) or 2/3 parts?
I know attentionspan can be a pain in the ass and I don’t know if most people read through approximately 30.000 words in one sitting or without loosing track on where they were if they pause. ✨
What do you like better: A one part 10k+ word story or splitting it in 2/3 part á 3-5k words?
I’ve started to write a new story that is going to be very long and maybe continued in an even longer part later on. I just don’t know how to post it ✨🤌🏻
has anyone noticed that after the porn ban of 2018 tumblr was essentially killed from the mainstream and everyone flocked to other social media sites like twitter and meta. then those sites got enshittified to where twitter became Nazi Central and meta sites had an entire meme around getting “zucced” aka mark zuckerberg himself would ban you for saying a no-no word like fuck. and then the mainstream shifted to tiktok where infamous toddlerspeak sentences like “he got unalived by a pew pew” were born because if you once again say a no-no word like kill or gun or any other word that isn’t corporate i mean kid friendly then the algorithm will bury your post into the ground. and somehow we’ve come full circle and tumblr is now the most bearable social media site because although we can’t have female presenting nipples we can at least talk to each other like adults. has anyone noticed that at all or is it just me and the flaming skull
