The story of my life...

I lost my mommy on October 8, 2015. I inherited my infatuation of writing from her....this is my journey, my coping mechanism.....maybe my story can help someone else in some way.

[skeeterrhayezero]

Oh my Tia Lisa....she makes my heart so happy. I made it to December 20th before the yearly slap in the face hit && when it did, I just had to laugh to keep the pain away. Got to work this morning & found this on my desk. Her & Cody smuggled me home some dirt from the arena. She got me a personalized signed picture of Steven Peebles && she’s also brought me dirt from Cheyenne. As I hugged her she said, “It’s nothing spectacular.” I choked back tears as I told her it’s not the gifts themselves (though I treasure each one) it’s the fact that she cares for me enough to think of me & that means more to me than any material object ever will. To be loved by someone not obligated to love you.....that’s priceless. https://www.instagram.com/p/BrqQ_CDAWjiMbeSZUIQiYttkB_14WzCfRNZVcM0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=o9wjcu9io94k

[skeeterrhayezero]

My heart is so full y’all!!!!! #GobbleGobbleDay2018 https://www.instagram.com/p/Bqf0SqCAJlA1gPvkVrC6h6yv7SgNhl36iLjagA0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=vavf395a1bda

[skeeterrhayezero]

Every year, I forget about the school’s Thanksgiving dinner until it’s too late to get the time off work....and a downside to living/working/school being in 3 different towns is that I can’t just take a little time to run to the school for lunch. I remembered and was able to get the day off so I could finally join Tallisen & Granny was able to come also. We had a wonderful time & the food was fabulous!! So extremely thankful for these moments 💖💖💖 https://www.instagram.com/p/BqNsh3XgMFVs635YPnsVAz2WPTfUcUZk4kG5Kk0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=wvsqndlfgefb

[skeeterrhayezero]

“You’re gonna be happy,” said life, “but first I’ll make you strong.” https://www.instagram.com/p/BqAu1eagC1849awvwNH-prtNGruNSKOnO0Lvss0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1io409svu5g5l

[skeeterrhayezero]

Because sometimes a girl just needs her Mama...the closest I’ll get to her being with me on earth again. #alwaysmissingmommy https://www.instagram.com/p/Bp4z674AJcfamk5p4nsLK4SY5a_4WDFp0tLiCY0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1la9o7q63tr7z

[skeeterrhayezero]

In the moments the devil tells me I’m not enough, my kids remind me I am. #homework #talliedonn #nottodaysatan #lifeasmommy https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn6RaacHcZrQgK4vu6P-MJ27g5N73TfzBBnUk40/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=zaruu7120egb

[skeeterrhayezero]

Happy birthday to my favorite!!!!!!! "Family: a little bit of crazy, a little bit of loud, and a whole lot of love." — Unknown "Your family is the best team you could ever have." — Unknown I love you Tuc!!!!!

[skeeterrhayezero]

Happy birthday to my favorite!!!!!!! "Family: a little bit of crazy, a little bit of loud, and a whole lot of love." — Unknown "Your family is the best team you could ever have." — Unknown I love you Tuc!!!!!

[skeeterrhayezero]

Happy birthday to my favorite!!!!!!! "Family: a little bit of crazy, a little bit of loud, and a whole lot of love." — Unknown "Your family is the best team you could ever have." — Unknown I love you Tuc!!!!!

[skeeterrhayezero]

Happy birthday to my favorite!!!!!!! "Family: a little bit of crazy, a little bit of loud, and a whole lot of love." — Unknown "Your family is the best team you could ever have." — Unknown I love you Tuc!!!!!

[skeeterrhayezero]

Lady Mohawk #5 & Osky Indian #5 #cousins #myheartisfull #family #wheelz #ticket

[skeeterrhayezero]

I would.....

I would have giggled at your jokes.....

I would have shrieked when you came home.....

I would have been your shadow.....

I would have helped you chore.....

I would have asked for a pony, then a barrel horse.....

I would have colored you pictures.....

I would have begged for bedtime stories.....

I would have written you sappy, straight from the heart cards on holidays.....

I would have baked you birthday cakes.....

I would have burned your dinner (multiple times).....

I would have broke curfew.....

I would have misbehaved.....

I would have cried when I disappointed you.....

I would have hugged you tight every day.....

I would have told you I love you.....

I would have cherished being a daddy’s girl.....

I would have been your biggest fan.....

I would have looked for your smile in the bleachers.....

I would have asked you for advice.....

I would have been mad at you when you disciplined me.....

I would be thankful for that discipline now.....

I wouldn’t have been a perfect daughter.....but,

I would have been a good daughter.

[skeeterrhayezero]

Comfy clothes, hot tea and peace

I’m different Mama.  

I’m letting go Mama.....not of you, never.  I’m letting go of the pain and heartache I’ve held on for so many years. 

I’ve been criticized for how I mourn you....”broadcasting it all over social media” and making it “all about” me.  I was told I needed to get help to keep all my stories straight.  It hurt for a moment....the tears came as I drove home but by the time I got there, I had no tears left.  

“A” came and kidnapped me for a couple hours....that’s what family does, that’s what a sister does.

I was so concerned about being labeled a liar....prepared to do everything possible to prove I wasn’t....I’ve let that go as well.  I know the truth but more importantly, God knows the truth & in the end, that’s all that matters.  I don’t have to prove anything to anyone.

Last weekend I attended the Women’s Retreat.  It was a life changing experience.  One of the speakers struck a cord with me, living a life with certain similarities to mine.  I panicked.  Here I was, spending the night with women I wasn’t close to, friends, but still new friendships.  A wave of memories and emotions swept over me.  What happened if the nightmares returned that night?  The nightmares I thought I had control over, yet had just recently learned that on multiple occasions, Tyler has wrapped me in his arms in my sleep as I cry out.  When we got to our room, I did something I’ve never done, I opened up to a room full of new friends and strangers.  I apologized for laying it on them.  You know what they didn’t do?  They didn’t judge me and they didn’t make me feel ashamed.  What they did do?  They wrapped their arms around me and prayed for me.  I’ve never felt Jesus’ love quite like I did in that moment.  An unconditional love from sisters in Christ.  I was then introduced to someone who shares a similar story, a story I don’t know just yet.  After meeting her, I said, “I just want to hug you.”  During that hug, I felt the pain and heartache lift.  To be hugged and loved by someone who truly knows how I’ve felt, there’s not a way to explain that feeling.

I came out of that retreat a changed woman.  I learned so much.  Since I’ve been home, I’ve chosen joy.  Life looks very different now.  Life doesn’t hurt so much anymore.  I know pain and heartache still exist and that I will experience it, but even during those moments, I will choose joy.  I refuse to let the hurt take over.  I refuse to live in the past any longer.  

I will pray for those who hurt me.  I will pray for those who love me.  I will make every day the best day ever.  I will find the adventure in each day.  I will cherish the moments, big and little.  I will let go of the busy-ness of life.  I will share my joy with those around me.  I will share the love of Jesus in every moment presented to me.  I refuse to allow the feelings of others determine my worth.  I am made in His image.

I am changed.

#bestdayeveradventure

#choosejoy

#chooseJesus

#familyheadedtoheaven

[skeeterrhayezero]

Spent some much needed & long overdue time with a dear friend today. We had a blast bowling & attending The Trial of the Wicked Witch.

[skeeterrhayezero]

So….it’s been awhile since I posted a green thumb update, lol. I started this journey after my mom passed, determined to take after her. I have a long way to go, but here’s my progress. The first is a plant from my mom’s funeral….I’ve had this thing almost gone a couple times 😳. The aloe vera plant is kind of a pain. I’ve moved it all over the house trying to find a perfect spot. We’ve used it & it grows back, just isn’t very spunky. It’s definitely ready for the weather to warm up cause it does best outside. The peace lily is my favorite!!! Currently it has 5 blooms, I just love it! It has bloomed close to a dozen different times & the lilies just keep increasing. It’s also one that I’ve been close to losing but is great at bouncing back. The next one is “Grandma Nunnikhoven.” This is the plant my mom & gma/gpa Fetters sent to her funeral. This one I’ve lost lots of times but my mom & Granny always kept a starter for me. Granny still has one at her house just in case but I’ve had this one for going on 3 years now & she is thriving!!! The last 3 are newbies. Granny trusts me more now I guess. One from Grandpa’s funeral & one from Dug’s and then one I just liked. I don’t recommend asking me to take care of your plants while you’re away for awhile, but I’m getting it. I just need more space/windows so I could spread them out a bit more. 💖💖💖

[skeeterrhayezero]

Though I grew up going to church....it wasn’t until the last few years that I truly & sincerely began studying scripture on my own. I wanted someone to explain it to me....I made it more difficult than it really is. Awhile back, I joined a weekly Facebook Bible study with LeAnn Hart. She started us in James. Though I’ve turned to it & read scripture from it before, I’d never truly studied it. Right now, it’s my favorite book of the Bible. It’s instructions on how a Christian should get through life (paraphrased from Wade Stanley). I’ve spent this morning going through multiple devotionals, planning out a study for my kids & then sat down to study. I prayed for God to guide me somewhere that would strike my heart & though it hasn’t been that long since we finished this study, James is where I ended up. If you haven’t studied this book, I strongly encourage you to do so....I pray it uplifts you as it has me. I’ve got a lot of work to do on myself, and I stumble (A LOT), but I’m a work in progress (praise God). #james #soulsearching #workinprogress #faithwithoutworksisdead

[skeeterrhayezero]

Tallisen caught someone roaming the halls💖She was pretty stoked to get a hug & wish him luck before the big game. #sheshisbiggestfan #34 #osky #indians #statebasketball2018 (at Wells Fargo Arena)