!! TW ed !! pls just block, this is my only outlet @skinnyclownery - Tumblr Blog

my body is a temple and i am a heathen destroying it. i have cut and i have carved and i have pulled and i have scratched. next i will start gutting with the curtains wide open at 3am. theatrum mundi, and everyone will be able to see. my body won't be found.

diary entries

I. it's inside me it's always been inside me and i can't find it i don't think i'll ever be able to fix it i'll just keep jumping back and forth but never really getting anywhere never meeting anyone never forming connections it's just me alone on my own and i cant fucking relate

II. and no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares enough

III. i just wnt to be held i want to be touched i want to know what it feels like i want to be sure everyone else isn't just a ghost and there are people out there who SEE me i want to know i'm not a ghost i want to know i exist in people's minds i want to be touched i want to be seen

IV. i want to know someone can look at me and see the world i want to be able to make eye contact and smile and not appear awkward or distant or ugly i cant imagine it i just cant i dont think anyone could ever see me that way superficially i am too ugly but it's also just the way i carry myself there's something distant in my posture and in my gaze. no one ever gets close bc my walls are so thick theyre almost tangible i think everyone can feel it i think everyone avoids it there is something so inherently wrong with me

V. i'm not saying i'm the only one or that im special or unique i know im not i know there must be other people but we're all either hiding inside our rooms or dead. Dead dead dead it seems the only solution. i want to die and evaporate and never be seen again

VI. it's just me and my room and the sounds from outside, people laughing and talking and living life, and i take the train and i see everyone and i listen to music and i am by myself, and i get home and i see my family and i protect them and they protect me and no one's saying anything and i laugh and tell stories and pretend i am experiencing and living and thriving and then i go back to my dorm and it's me alone opening and closing windows and being aware of my body and wishing my body would disappear and scratching at my skin and crying crying crying

VII. how 2 dissolve urself in acid

VIII. how to put ur head in an oven and burn urself to ashes and never be reborn

IX. how to want to disappear enough u actually do

peachpitgirl

starvingxskinny

waking up to stars on the ceiling and bruises on pale skin and battered feet on & off the scale and almonds in ziploc baggies and bite marks on fingers and hair down the drain and measuring crunches by the spots left on the spine and enough water to drown organs and eating an apple with a knife and fork and battered feet on & off the scale and desperate hands clutching ribs and standing up & the world goes dark and carrying an emergency rice cake in your purse for weak spells and enough green tea to drown organs and how many calories are in toothpaste and whatever nail polish color covers yellow and battered feet on & off the scale and is today the day my heart gives out and how many calories do you burn when you sneeze and pillows squeezed between thighs and waking up in a new body everyday and fingers clasped around wrists and notebooks filled with numbers and purple crescents below the eyes and accidentally knocking your elbow on your hip bone and being afraid of your own reflection and i’m not hungry or i already ate or i’ll eat later or i don’t feel well and oxygen that tastes like splenda and battered feet on & off the scale

#this is the most beautiful thing ive ever read ahhdhf #:((

spectralcreep

I understand why banshees just drift around sobbing and screaming inconsolably at all times, I get it now

goddamnanorexic

ana imagines

alien

sunnirainbow

xorange-delightx-deactivated202

I just want to starve and starve

dizzyallaround

what ever happened to personality!!! i want decorative towels that arent boring!!! i want NOVELTY!! i want people to come over to my house and look at my trinkets and immediately think this lady is a wacko and also her stuff is haunted