I am not getting as much social or creative output as I'd like and there are definitely many parts of my life I don't feel fulfilled in relating to that as well as just not being where I want to be but I kinda feel so fucking beast mode when I actually stop and actually think about the fact I am working 2 jobs, preparing to get my driver's license, and trying to get into school in a different country. AND I'm not abusing any drugs anymore AND I do my chores AND I eat food AND I am not depriving myself of anything.
Still have lots of really low days and sleep like shit and freak out often and absolutely overworking myself constantly but doing so willingly to try to get to where I wanna be rather than just out of necessity to survive.
I am not getting as much social or creative output as I'd like and there are definitely many parts of my life I don't feel fulfilled in relating to that as well as just not being where I want to be but I kinda feel so fucking beast mode when I actually stop and actually think about the fact I am working 2 jobs, preparing to get my driver's license, and trying to get into school in a different country. AND I'm not abusing any drugs anymore AND I do my chores AND I eat food AND I am not depriving myself of anything.
Still have lots of really low days and sleep like shit and freak out often and absolutely overworking myself constantly but doing so willingly to try to get to where I wanna be rather than just out of necessity to survive.
im making this my last, general use donation post because im always struggling wont lie and i figure this is a better, cleaner way of letting yall know i need help without cluttering your dash
donations will be used for:
feeding the household including our critters
bills to keep us housed with necessary utilities
prescription medication, all of us need them
vet bills, both routine and emergency
gas/car maintenance so i can work more and run errands without destroying our only car
repairs to the house so it is operational, clean, safe, and comfortable for the 5 of us including my bf
payment links:
[PAYPAL] [CASHAPP]
my Chime ID is also $rosshancock78, if you cant send thru any of these platforms, dm me and we can find a workaround
as always, i only ask for help when i really need it and anytime i do receive funds i am forever grateful to those who both donate and share the post because ill be real every single dollar keeps us alive
i love you all and even tho im struggling a lot i have more planned for my life than just this,
lore/trauma dump in read more
if you dont know me, im Ross, 25 yo certified eldest daughter that still lives with my mom and my siblings and basically does everything to keep them alive including working as a house cleaner/doing odd jobs for money, running all the errands, cooking their meals, cleaning to the best of my ability, and overall ensuring that no one under this roof dies
i have chronic pain, hypothyroidism, an autoimmune disease that results in painful oral/genital ulcers when i get sick, im autistic/ADHD/bipolar and currently i am OCDs bitch because i am just absolutely robbed of all control over my life for the sake of others lmao
im venting here because i am just at the end of my rope
ive been an active provider in this family since covid, but when my dad died in 2021 i quickly became the sole provider as my mom spiraled further into depression and agoraphobia, one of my siblings wasnt able to complete hs during covid, my youngest sister was only 13 when my dad died so it was on me a lot to be emotional support and ill be real! i still have not fully gone thru the grieving process because ive had to dissociate the past 5 years just so i could be what my family needed and honestly, that was my dad
ive been trying my damnedest to find a job that works for me, i went into retail management thru bealls and dollar general and it just fucking sapped me of any energy needed to take care of things at the house because surprise im only one person and that, on top of general lack of professionalism, disrespect, and lack of accommodation for me regarding my familys needs at home, i decided to leave both of those jobs. stupid, honestly but i genuinely could not do it all
there is an upside, my siblings are starting to learn how to care for themselves and the house - we all grew up in a hoarded mobile home and none of us were taught how to clean and take care of domestics when we were younger so im having to learn it myself then teach it to the rest of my family
on top of that i was offered a job at my local smoke shop that is long hours, about 14 hour shifts 3 days a week, but it is significantly less work than what i had to do for my previous jobs so im jumping on it to provide some stable income. they didnt give me an exact date yet but the manager is wanting me on late may/early june for my training before one of their employees leave for good
i may still reblog this when i have the job, because shit happens and were actively trying to fix our 30 yo rotting house up so that my bf of 5 years can finally live with us and i can feel normal not having long distance as one of my debuffs
i need a break, ive been running off of 4-6 hours of sleep every night for idek how long now, when i say i do everything i do EVERYTHING and there is still the problem of everyone pushing me to work to provide for them when sometimes the mere thought of doing anything sends me into a panic attack
im severely insecure about money given the fact that every penny i earn goes straight back into the house yet when i need extra cash to pay for necessities, its treated as a loan that i have to pay back always. i have 4 tallies kept on me of how much i owe other people when i myself have given easily tens of thousands of dollars without any expectation to receive it back
im insecure about my lack of control, im 25 in a long and committed relationship but i still have to sit and watch my cousins get married after only a year of knowing their partners because my responsibilities constantly hold me back
i was supposed to be moved in a new home with my bf years ago but because shit happens and one persons income is not enough we had to put that on hold indefinitely
im trying to do it all and not ask for help but genuinely it takes all of my strength sometimes not to just kill myself so at least i can be fucking free of all this
so im begging, crying, and overall planning on what i can do when this doesnt work and how i can possibly keep going when i ran out of steam years ago
with the help of my grandma cus it was such a huge payment, i made a payment of $373 to the water bill to completely wipe our balance because that is what they had told me was required to get our service back on
but today, when i paid our balance in full, our water did not get turned back on and when i called them to ask why, they told me that our account had been deactivated and that to reinstate service we would need to create a new account, pay $150 as a deposit, then another $200 for an activation fee
i sure as fucking shit do not have an extra $350 lying around to turn my water back on and i probably wont until the 12th when i get my first paycheck from my second job
i dont even have money for food, i have nothing so i am BEGGING for help here until i can get us officially back on our feet
i have until the 12th to pay my trash service now too
i know it seems like im fumbling being an adult but i will be real this is all my mom refusing to take responsibility after my dad died and ive been trying to learn on my own how to take care of her, my siblings, our critters, and our house
i will get there, especially with 2 jobs, but i really need help until the end of june its looking
if you dont see me reblog this or on tumblr in general then im busy working so it would help a bunch if people rb and queue this post
I'm tired of seeing structures that are built entirely with cars in mind, parking lots and roads make the landscape of the world so desolate and lifeless
And less and less people are even able to afford to go to these places that the structures were built to anticipate...less and less people can even afford to even fucking own cars, and yet these parking lots are here with 200 daily in mind.... If a bomb went off inside a mall today it would harm more concrete and glass than anything living
im making this my last, general use donation post because im always struggling wont lie and i figure this is a better, cleaner way of letting yall know i need help without cluttering your dash
donations will be used for:
feeding the household including our critters
bills to keep us housed with necessary utilities
prescription medication, all of us need them
vet bills, both routine and emergency
gas/car maintenance so i can work more and run errands without destroying our only car
repairs to the house so it is operational, clean, safe, and comfortable for the 5 of us including my bf
payment links:
[PAYPAL] [CASHAPP]
my Chime ID is also $rosshancock78, if you cant send thru any of these platforms, dm me and we can find a workaround
as always, i only ask for help when i really need it and anytime i do receive funds i am forever grateful to those who both donate and share the post because ill be real every single dollar keeps us alive
i love you all and even tho im struggling a lot i have more planned for my life than just this,
lore/trauma dump in read more
if you dont know me, im Ross, 25 yo certified eldest daughter that still lives with my mom and my siblings and basically does everything to keep them alive including working as a house cleaner/doing odd jobs for money, running all the errands, cooking their meals, cleaning to the best of my ability, and overall ensuring that no one under this roof dies
i have chronic pain, hypothyroidism, an autoimmune disease that results in painful oral/genital ulcers when i get sick, im autistic/ADHD/bipolar and currently i am OCDs bitch because i am just absolutely robbed of all control over my life for the sake of others lmao
im venting here because i am just at the end of my rope
ive been an active provider in this family since covid, but when my dad died in 2021 i quickly became the sole provider as my mom spiraled further into depression and agoraphobia, one of my siblings wasnt able to complete hs during covid, my youngest sister was only 13 when my dad died so it was on me a lot to be emotional support and ill be real! i still have not fully gone thru the grieving process because ive had to dissociate the past 5 years just so i could be what my family needed and honestly, that was my dad
ive been trying my damnedest to find a job that works for me, i went into retail management thru bealls and dollar general and it just fucking sapped me of any energy needed to take care of things at the house because surprise im only one person and that, on top of general lack of professionalism, disrespect, and lack of accommodation for me regarding my familys needs at home, i decided to leave both of those jobs. stupid, honestly but i genuinely could not do it all
there is an upside, my siblings are starting to learn how to care for themselves and the house - we all grew up in a hoarded mobile home and none of us were taught how to clean and take care of domestics when we were younger so im having to learn it myself then teach it to the rest of my family
on top of that i was offered a job at my local smoke shop that is long hours, about 14 hour shifts 3 days a week, but it is significantly less work than what i had to do for my previous jobs so im jumping on it to provide some stable income. they didnt give me an exact date yet but the manager is wanting me on late may/early june for my training before one of their employees leave for good
i may still reblog this when i have the job, because shit happens and were actively trying to fix our 30 yo rotting house up so that my bf of 5 years can finally live with us and i can feel normal not having long distance as one of my debuffs
i need a break, ive been running off of 4-6 hours of sleep every night for idek how long now, when i say i do everything i do EVERYTHING and there is still the problem of everyone pushing me to work to provide for them when sometimes the mere thought of doing anything sends me into a panic attack
im severely insecure about money given the fact that every penny i earn goes straight back into the house yet when i need extra cash to pay for necessities, its treated as a loan that i have to pay back always. i have 4 tallies kept on me of how much i owe other people when i myself have given easily tens of thousands of dollars without any expectation to receive it back
im insecure about my lack of control, im 25 in a long and committed relationship but i still have to sit and watch my cousins get married after only a year of knowing their partners because my responsibilities constantly hold me back
i was supposed to be moved in a new home with my bf years ago but because shit happens and one persons income is not enough we had to put that on hold indefinitely
im trying to do it all and not ask for help but genuinely it takes all of my strength sometimes not to just kill myself so at least i can be fucking free of all this
so im begging, crying, and overall planning on what i can do when this doesnt work and how i can possibly keep going when i ran out of steam years ago
with the help of my grandma cus it was such a huge payment, i made a payment of $373 to the water bill to completely wipe our balance because that is what they had told me was required to get our service back on
but today, when i paid our balance in full, our water did not get turned back on and when i called them to ask why, they told me that our account had been deactivated and that to reinstate service we would need to create a new account, pay $150 as a deposit, then another $200 for an activation fee
i sure as fucking shit do not have an extra $350 lying around to turn my water back on and i probably wont until the 12th when i get my first paycheck from my second job
i dont even have money for food, i have nothing so i am BEGGING for help here until i can get us officially back on our feet
i have until the 12th to pay my trash service now too
i know it seems like im fumbling being an adult but i will be real this is all my mom refusing to take responsibility after my dad died and ive been trying to learn on my own how to take care of her, my siblings, our critters, and our house
i will get there, especially with 2 jobs, but i really need help until the end of june its looking
if you dont see me reblog this or on tumblr in general then im busy working so it would help a bunch if people rb and queue this post
very thankful to get random messages from family/friends because lately sometimes when I am not interacting with anyone I just be forgetting I exist for a minute
people at work have seemingly identified that I am most likely the strongest person in our department so I did some Crazy Lifting to help reorganize the store today
Coworkers starting to inquire more about me and my personal life outside of work and unfortunately I can't just reply "Oh, I don't actually exist. I'm not real." and fade into static or turn into some sort of mist
Get so restless on the longer shifts. No stimulants or cigarettes or nothin and I could just run into walls and run into walls and run into walls and then go back to my apartment and run into walls and run into walls and run into walls
