Cutting Words

When you can't say it out loud, Shout it between the pages.

[skippedd]

I can feel myself losing myself for who I really am. Through my own eyes I can see myself doing things that I don’t want to do for other people

[remanence-of-love]

[skippedd]

I don’t know how to love small.

Give me big, give me extreme

give me it all at once

I’m not ashamed

I will scream it from my heart 

That I love all of you 

I will set everything aflame

And watch it burn 

Forever 

[skippedd]

I wanted to tell her a story without it being so traumatic, to prove that I was strong, that I wanted the wounds sewn shut. I wanted to tell her a story without being in it, without talking about the hurt, is there a way to talk about pain without an invitation?

[skippedd]

The essence of love

an attempt to align universes

to grapple with the stars

as they shoot further and further away

it’s a swirl of patterns floating across the sky

it delves into the details of who you’re

Who you want to be with yourself

with someone else

the luckiest planet alive

[skippedd]

I have lots of people who care about me, but it’s hard to care when you’ve lost the person you care about the most

[skippedd]

I’ve been a really bad friend like all I’ve been doing the last how ever long is fighting my own thoughts and feelings trying to map out how to respond to a situation that hasn’t even begun 

[skippedd]

My meds took away my strokes of creativity. Functional is the brush yes, but the artist has withdrawn all emotions. So what is a painting that is purely for function? What is the purpose, for art? Is it all to be done so logically? I don't think I need to feel, at least until I know what to say.

[skippedd]

It's 20 to 3 and I can't sleep, I'm a lil bit more of an idiot than you might think, Thankyou for the nights I can't keep Smiling, Your heart is very good at timing, There's nothing to worry than Maybe the next time I get to hold your hand, Theres no keeping secrets from you, There's nothing that would make me want to.

[skippedd]

My therapist asks if I need an answer to all my problems, my answer is yes

I know it's in even the frames of my mind an impossible thing to answer.

If I could know would I change it, would anything be any different.

Do I already know these things but refuse to put them into action

It's all unknown to I and

[skippedd]

I think about death everyday I only tell myself I'm okay because that's what I want to believe is really happening I'm avoiding the point where I just break down Because I feel like the shame that would lie in wake of my death would be unfinished Which is the irony of this whole situation I wouldn't care

[skippedd]

Fear lies in the depths of sorrow and pain it’s the strike of a match near a flood of gasoline

and so it burns and it burns.until there is nothing left to give

Just ashes and coal in black holes

Then it was better it was fresh and inviting I felt renewed

It seemed like through all the trials and tribulations something had been cleansed from both souls

We working toward a new goal

Maybe not quite a fresh start but something better than before

We didn’t know where we were going exactly but we knew it wouldn’t be boring

We both have something to work on and I’m lucky that I don’t have to do it alone

At least not anymore I’ve been so fiercely independent my whole life sometimes it can get tough to stand back and watch the world go by.

To sit in silence is the best kind of being nothing to influence or to be influenced by just connection. Silence is the best conversation to not know what to say, to not want to say anything, to just be. It’s the quiet thats deafening.

Being free is not feeling like a captive in my own head not having to beg for help not feeling that death would be a release I need to be at peace and I will have peace dearest loved ones I love you lots and lots and always will but I’m feeling very suicidal now and I don’t know how long I can carry on

After all this is done I don’t want you to grief for me I want you to go on with no bitterness or guilt but towards your futures and find happiness in any possible way we’ve had a wonderful time together and I don’t regret a thing

[skippedd]

Catching all those highs but I feel constant despair I need an anchor and a life jacket A day and a lifetime earlier I feel obligated to stay alive for gigs I also think everything would've been easier if I'd only stayed and let myself go When you try to die but you don't The shame and self revulsion won't go away. I don't know why people aren't embarrassed by me. Fatal final symptom Loving people so much that it hurts doesn't make you want to stop it actually makes you want to die more in the most horrific way possible to end it all. I'm a very fortunate person the only problem is I hate myself and I want to die, when did I lose my capabilities to hope. The inescapableness of dread and despair, I wanted to die because I felt like an idiot and it's personal flaw not because I'm sick or have an unrealistic sense of myself. I resist diagnosis because I don't feel like I'm crazy I feel like if this is normal human emotion then ffs give me death I picture in detail how long my body would decompose. My poor flatmates, this is just weird enough to seem like a joke. So many people dying from organ failure I have so many I was dissapointed to find out that you can only donate organs when you aren't dead on arrival. Every pill I take seems like a wasted resource. Everytime I get asked why I didn't kill myself I can never come up with a good enough reason. I got scared, my room was messy I didn't have enough pills, I would have aomething to do for someone who might worry if I don't show up. As long as I had curiouness I have as much justification to be here than any other person. But that is as fleeting a mosquitoe thought, an annoying one. Being loved is a prerequisite to not die but I feel like a sceptic body part in that same vein I want to be chopped off eliminated from something so pure if it weren't for me, the rotting limb. To be or not to be I have enough hope to take my meds but not enough to not want to kill myself

[skippedd]

I just feel like everyday of my life is a battle I struggle to manifest happiness There's nothing more that I can do To make anything easier on myself How do people just go around existing As if nothing is ever wrong Like nothing ever happens Sometimes just want to die To end the suffering I'm in so much pain all the time I just want it to stop

How do you make it stop?

[skippedd]

And they go Down to the bottom again Sitting whithin the settlement of the sea Corals are sharp and corrupted The beauty was lost How can it be so freeing But then like that. It all stops no waves Just stillness The Silence It's defeaning

[skippedd]

Owning it

My fears are real and sometimes underhanded or maybe the better term could be unrealistic and I realise those things about myself certainly doesn’t make it any easier when I’m in the midst of a panic attack or a particularly triggering moment and I guess if no one has really ever experienced that they would never really understand the sheer amount of effort it would take to stay alert or awake or in a clear headspace whatever you want to call it. I know the difference between dissociating and daydreaming because I do both. ALOT and it’s honestly so hard to be so disconnected from your body you don’t even know who you are anymore like your walking around in someone else vessel, like the body I got given wasn’t for me. Or maybe it’s just been so abused through my own thoughts and of course the real physical harm it’s had to endure I’m really not that surprised about why I feel these things. Its just what do I do to fix it? Or at the very least figure out who I am again.

[skippedd]

I often think about what people might say when I die

or what they might really think

they might say they were bound to destitute

or at grips with a depression they could never let go 

they might say I was a life wasted standing on a ledge

not thinking of how much they may have pushed there

my choice is not a waste 

I know that now 

my blood has thickened and hard to swallow

and my passion maybe difficult to follow

but I didn’t choose to destroy myself

my knife lays in my head my friend

it was you who chose my heart