A FILM REVIEW ON “IN WHICH A LEGISLACERATOR INVESTIGATES THE UNTIMELY DEATH OF A ROBOTICS ENGINHILATOR UNDER THE ASSUMPTION THAT HIS INVENTION IS THE MURDERER BUT IS SLOWLY CONVINCED OF HIS INNOCENCE IN TIME TO SAVE THE PLANET FROM A ROBOTIC TAKEOVER” OR WHAT HAS COME TO BE MORE COMMONLY KNOWN AS “I, ROBOT,” STARRING WILL SMITH
WELL, TO GET THINGS STARTED, I’VE FINALLY GOTTEN TO THE ACTUAL PURPOSE OF WHY I CREATED THIS BLOG IN THE FIRST PLACE: MOVIE REVIEWS, NOT SHIT-FUCKING IDIOT NONSENSORY VOMIT POSTS ABOUT MINIONS AND THE VALIDITY OF WILL SMITH’S DEATH (WHICH, AGAIN, HE’S NOT DEAD, I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE TO SAY THIS, BUT I GUESS MORE THAN FUCKING ONCE BECAUSE IT DOESN’T SEEM TO PENETRATE FAR ENOUGH INTO ANYONE’S THICK PANS FOR THEM TO GET THE PICTURE!). SORRY ABOUT ALL OF THAT BULLSHIT TO WHOEVER WAS HOPING FOR QUALITY CONTENT; IT WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN AND I’LL STICK TO THE BASICS ON THE PRIME SHIT WITHIN THE REALM OF FILM, JUST AS PROMISED.
MY FIRST CHOICE FOR A MOVIE REVIEW, OF COURSE, IS AS THE TITLE CLEARLY STATES, IN WHICH A LEGISLACERATOR INVESTIGATES THE UNTIMELY DEATH OF A ROBOTICS ENGINHILATOR UNDER THE ASSUMPTION THAT HIS INVENTION IS THE MURDERER BUT IS SLOWLY CONVINCED OF HIS INNOCENCE IN TIME TO SAVE THE PLANET FROM A ROBOTIC TAKEOVER. UNFORTUNATELY, THE ELEGANCE OF THIS TITLE IS PRETTY MUCH LOST TO THE CURRENT GENERATION OF THIS WORLD, AND IT’S COME TO BE REFERRED TO BY THE MOST INSULTINGLY CRUDE TITLE OF I, ROBOT. THE TITLE ALL ABOUT TAKES A KNIFE TO MY SPONGE CLOTS, BUT THE FILM ITSELF STILL HOLDS AS A CINEMATIC MASTERPIECE, ESPECIALLY DUE TO THE UNIVERSAL CONSTANT OF WILL SMITH, WHO HAPPENS TO STAR IN IT. WHAT COULD WE REALLY EXPECT FROM THE STAR OF THRESH PRINCE, THOUGH? I DON’T THINK THERE’S TRULY EVER BEEN A MOVIE WITH WILL SMITH IN IT THAT I’VE FELT THE NEED TO SAY WAS WORTH AS MUCH AS A PILE OF BARFBAGS. CAN WE EVER REALLY, TRULY BE LET DOWN BY THE KING OF CINEMA, WILL SMITH? THE ANSWER IS NO, MY DEAR READERS, NO WE ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT.
NOW, THE PURPOSE OF THIS REVIEW IS MORE OF A COMPARE/CONTRAST TO THE FILM THAT ALTERNIA GRACED US WITH, AND THE EQUALLY TASTEFULLY ALBEIT RADICALLY DIFFERENT FILM THAT HAS BEEN PRODUCED HERE ON EARTH C. THEY ARE BOTH FILMS WORTHY OF MULTIPLE AWARDS, BUT THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE TWO RENDITIONS ARE IMPORTANT TO NOTE, ESPECIALLY IN THE MANNER THAT THEY HAPPEN TO AFFECT THE STORYLINE AND THE DEVELOPMENT OF OUR TWO PROTAGONISTS, SPOONER AND DR. CALVIN.
I’LL BEGIN WITH WILL’S RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PSYCHOTERRORIST DR. CALVIN (PSYCHOLOGIST FOR YOU HUMAN READERS), PLAYED BY BRIDGET MOYNAHAN. THEIR RELATIONSHIP IN IN WHICH A LEGISLACERATOR INVESTIGATES THE UNTIMELY DEATH OF A ROBOTICS ENGINHILATOR UNDER THE ASSUMPTION THAT HIS INVENTION IS THE MURDERER BUT IS SLOWLY CONVINCED OF HIS INNOCENCE IN TIME TO SAVE THE PLANET FROM A ROBOTIC TAKEOVER IS A STORY OF VACILLATION, WHICH IS ONE OF MY PERSONAL FAVORITE METHODS OF ROMANCE FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN IT IS A COMPLEX CONCEPT THAT IS LOST ON MANY, AND UNDERSTOOD BY FEW. REALLY, IT’S ESSENTIALLY IRRESISTABLE ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING THE WELL KNOWN TROPE OF TENSIONS BETWEEN THE LAW AND ANY PRESENT MEDICAL SPECIALIST. A TROPE LIKE THAT CAN ONLY ADD TO THE RICHNESS OF THIS PLOT! IT’S ALMOST BLATANTLY OBVIOUS THAT A KISMESITUDE IS ABOUT TO BLOOM IN THE MOST INSPIRINGLY HATEFUL OF WAYS, AND ITS FRUITION BACK AT WILL SMITH’S APARTMENT MIGHT JUST BE THE SINGLE GREATEST MOMENT IN FILM HISTORY (PLEASE RECOGNIZE THIS AS A HYPERBOLE, BUT THE MOMENT IS JUST REALLY FUCKING GREAT!). SUCH A ROMANCE CLEARLY BUILT UP A SENSE OF STABILITY BETWEEN THE TWO CHARACTERS THAT THEY HAD PREVIOUSLY LACKED! THEIR HATRED FOR EACH OTHER WAS CAUSED BY THIS VARY INSTABILITY! NEITHER COULD FEASIBLY GO ABOUT WORKING WITH EACH OTHER, LET ALONE HAVING THE ABILITY TO STAY IN THE SAME ROOM AS EACH OTHER WITHOUT HAVING THEIR NUTRITION SACKS MAKE A QUICK EXIT THROUGH THEIR CHUTES, HAD THEY NOT EVENTUALLY COME TO RECOGNIZE THEIR HATRED AS WHAT TRUE KISMESITUDE IS. THIS ALSO MAKES THEIR VACILLATION ALL THE MORE TOUCHING; THEY HAVE COME TO UNDERSTAND THE INSTABILITY OF EACH OTHER, AND FIND THEIR BLOOD PUMPERS BEATING ALL THE FASTER AND MORE PASSIONATELY FOR IT!
NOW, WHILE I ENJOY THE LEVELS OF COMPLEXITY THAT COME WITH VACILLATING RELATIONSHIPS, THE VERSION THAT EXISTS PRESENTLY HERE ON EARTH C ERASES THAT ENTIRELY! AT FIRST, I ADMIT TO BEING ABSOLUTELY INFURIATED; WHO COULD, IN THEIR RIGHT MIND, CUT OUT SOMETHING SO QUINTESSENTIAL TO THE DEVELOPMENT OF BOTH WILL SMITH’S SPOONER AND MOYNAHAN’S DR. CALVIN? TO CHANGE SUCH A TENDERLY WRITTEN ROMANCE HAD ME TEARING OUT MY HAIR FOLLICLES FOR A GOOD FEW **HOURS** BEFORE I REALIZED THAT MAYBE THIS CHANGE WASN’T SO BAD AFTER ALL. WHILE IT **COMPLETELY** REWORKED THE DYNAMIC OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP TO THE POINT OF THEIR ABILITY TO WORK WITH EACH OTHER WAS JUST ABOUT NEAR NONEXISTENT, LET ALONE ALLOWING FOR THE FEASIBILITY OF A ROMANCE!!! AND THEN IT DAWNED ON ME THAT I WAS COMPLETELY OVERLOOKING THE SUBTLETIES THAT COME WITH SLOW-BURN FLUSHED ROMANCES, ESPECIALLY THOSE THAT ARE PRESENT WITHIN HUMAN FILMS (THIS IS NOTHING AGAINST FILMS DIRECTED BY HUMANS, AND WHILE TROLL ACTORS WERE DEFINITELY PRESENT WITHIN I, ROBOT, I THINK IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT FLUSHED ROMANCES ARE FAR MORE FAVORED!). SOMETHING I’VE COME TO APPRECIATE ABOUT THE PRESENTATION OF ROMANCE IN HUMAN CINEMA, IS THAT THERE ARE SUBTLETIES TO DEVELOPMENT THAT MIGHT HAVE OTHERWISE BEEN OVERLOOKED IN THE TROPES OF TROLL HOLLYWOOD. I, ROBOT SKIPS THE KISMESITUDE ENTIRELY AND ACKNOWLEDGES THAT, LOGICALLY, THERE WERE FLUSHED EMOTIONS PRESENT THE ENTIRE TIME, BUT SIMPLY BY HAVING SPOONER ACKNOWLEDGE THIS AT REPEATED POINTS, THEY ARE ABLE TO OVERCOME ANY POSSIBILITY OF KISMESITUDE AND REACH WHAT I THINK IS BEST TO CALL THE PINNACLE OF RED ROMANCE! IT’S A MOVE ONLY A FUCKING GENIUS, WELL-VERSED IN THE WAYS OF HOW RED ROMANCE, WORKS, COULD UNDERSTAND, BUT EVEN THE SLIGHTEST CHANGE IN DEMEANOR CAN CHANGE HOW A COUPLE APPROACHES ROMANCE, AND SEITZ KNEW THIS FROM THE MINUTE SHE PUT HER PEN TO PAPER.
I’LL LEAVE MY THOUGHTS AT THAT FOR NOW. THIS REVIEW HAS BECOME EXPONENTIALLY LONGER THAN ORIGINALLY INTENDED (I’M A SHIT SUCKING IDIOT TO EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE OF A FILM STARRING WILL SMITH THOUGH), SO I’LL POST MY OTHER THOUGHTS ON OTHER ASPECTS OF THE FILM AT SOME OTHER TIME THAT ISN’T RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
IF YOU HAVE ANY COMMENTS OR QUESTIONS THAT ARE **DIRECTLY RELATED TO THE MATERIAL** FEEL FREE TO MESSAGE ME. IF IT’S ANY PAN-MELTING BULLFUCKERY, THEN CONSIDER YOURSELF PREEMPTIVELY BLOCKED.
–KARKAT VANTAS, AUTHOR OF LOVE AND LOSS IN THE DEPTHS OF SPACE
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