You gasped for air, feeling your lungs burn and your legs on the verge of giving up. Your feet bled, your whole body ached, your stomach growled, and your hair and skin were a filthy mess, but you couldn't stop.
You had managed to escape your father and his plans for you, at least for the time being, but you knew it was only a matter of time before he caught up with you. He was far better than you at navigating the woods, and the promise of food was enough to sever any blood ties.
You always knew things were going downhill at home. For as long as you could remember, you lived hand to mouth, between planks that did little to keep the cold out, with barely two changes of clothes and sometimes only one meal a day, but you had been happy.
Perhaps because you hadn't been old enough to understand the sacrifices your parents made to keep you and your brother alive, or perhaps it was because your mother had always known how to keep the harsh reality at bay with a smile and a kind hug. Whatever the case, you had grown up happy despite your family's precarious situation.
That ended when your mother died.
She had been ill for a long time, and the little money your father managed to scrape together from his days working in the fields wasn't enough to cover her medicine. Before summer was over, you were burying your mother, heartbroken, with a father who couldn't live without his other half.
Things took a turn for the worse after that. It became clear who had been the one to keep the family afloat with so little, and without your mother's magic touch to stretch the food, the fights over scraps began. Your brother would often knock you out of the way to grab the only plate on the table, so you had to get up earlier if you wanted to eat at least twice a week, and your father never cared. Survival of the fittest, he'd say. It seemed his heart had withered along with your mother's body.
Then came the despair. Money was scarcer than usual, Dad was getting older, he couldn't keep up with the pace in the fields like before, not even with your brother's help. Less money meant less food, less blankets, less everything; less everything meant anguish, anguish turned into fear, and fear, in a man with a broken heart, was dangerous.
It started with the men's stares in the village. You weren't stupid; you knew you were pretty. Your mother had always been beautiful, and everyone said you looked like her. Besides, you were already of marriageable age.
You didn't want to, but it was expected of you, so you had resigned yourself to fulfilling your duty, thinking that, even though you came from a poor family, your beauty might be enough to secure you a man with better financial means, even if it was just to lift your family out of poverty. You hadn't counted on an old friend of your father poisoning his mind.
"The boy is good for work, and she's just a woman" he had said. "They're good for nothing more than one thing, and with that pretty face and good body she has, you'll have enough to live comfortably through the winter."
Even now, you felt like crying when you thought how easily your father had fallen for the idea of โโan easy way out of despair, and how cynically cold he had been with you when he told you your fate, as if it were nothing more than a simple formality: Marrying a single man didn't guarantee permanent money for the family; selling your body for the rest of your life to several men did.
You wanted to vomit the moment he told you, as if it was written in stone, and in a way, it was. A man's word was worth more than a woman's, and a daughter had to obey her father no matter the pain it caused her. Even your brother had been indifferent to the atrocity that awaited you, muttering something about how he could use "a little rest" from working in the fields. They were ready to turn you into their gold mine, and you weren't even surprised when the old man who had given your father the idea offered to be the first to have you, so you did what you had to do: escape.
You left at night, silently, without sentimental goodbyes, without letters (not that you could have; you couldn't read or write, you weren't noble enough for that privilege), without drawings, without anything. Just a silent ghost, walking under the cover of night in a desperate flight from a fate worse than death.
You managed to cover a lot of ground during the night, but you should have known that as soon as dawn broke and your father and brother saw that their bright, carefree future had slipped away, they would hunt you down like demons. They weren't thinking about the fact that they were losing a daughter or a sister; they didn't even see you as a human being anymore. You were their ticket to an easy life at last, and they weren't going to lose that.
That's why you couldn't stop, you couldn't afford to rest, not even for a moment, you had to keep going, even if your feet bled, even if your lungs burst, you couldn't stop, not until you were safe, far, far away from the hell that awaited you if you were caught.
Unfortunately, your clouded mind prevented you from seeing clearly where you were going, and you barely had time to screamโthough it sounded more like a whimper because your throat was so dryโbefore the ground beneath your feet vanished and you plummeted several meters down the hill, landing in what appeared to be leafless, thorny scrub.
On the one hand, it was good; you were sure no one would come looking for you there. Your father couldn't get down, and your brother was too cowardly to even try, so at least you were safer down there than up there. On the other hand, you were alone, with no escape, no food, no help, nothing, and that was terrifying. You didn't know how to climb, you didn't know how to hunt, you didn't know your way around at all; you were vulnerable.
And it was in the midst of all that fear and anguish gnawing at your soul that you saw it: a small spark of hope in the form of a black cloak, pinned to the ground by a sword. It wasn't much, probably nothing in someone else's eyes, but for you, with your empty stomach and the cold seeping into your bones, it felt like heaven.
You could wrap yourself in it, protect yourself from the rains that would soon begin to fall at this time of year. It wasn't winter yet, but it was coming, and you had nothing else to cling to. You hadn't even been able to steal supplies from home because you had nothing. Anything that could make your journey even a little easier and more bearable was a blessing, even an abandoned cloak, tattered at the edges.
The first sign that something was wrong was the fact that the sword transformed into black roses at your feet the moment you touched it. Did it terrify you? Yes. Should you have run from there without looking back? Yes. Did you? No.
Your mother used to tell you stories about fairies, and everyone knew they existed, even if they were only associated with the nobility and indifferent to the miseries of the most unfortunate. "Magic is to be respected, and kept at a distance, sweetheart. It's not something people like us can have in our lives, only princesses and powerful kings" she had warned you, but it wasn't that childhood memory that stopped you from running away as you should have.
It was the fact that you had nothing else, literally. No food, no water, no clothes other than what you were wearing, no roof over your head, no future. What did it matter if, for once in your life, you didn't care about the laws of magic? You didn't even care about the black roses, only the cloak. So you took it, covering your shoulders with it and walking away from there to look for a path or something.
The warmth and slight tingling beneath your skin as soon as you put it on should have been the second sign, but you'd thought it was just the feeling of protection against the cold breeze, and the tingling was dismissed as mere nerves, unaware that you had awakened something you shouldn't have.
The third warning was the sudden, ferocious gust of wind that hit you mercilessly, tearing the cloak from your shoulders and leaving you with a feeling of emptiness that you knew didn't belong on this side of life, not when you felt your blood boil in your veins and as if something was sucking away part of your life force.
"What?" you whispered, your eyes widening.
Before you, amidst the black roses, an orb of green light began to emerge from the earth, floating higher and higher as the black cloak slowly enveloped it. It was a hellish spectacle, you knew it, and yet you couldn't look away, as if death were seducing you in a powerfully effective way, keeping you within reach.
"Well, well"
A shiver ran down your spine as a deep, silky voice resonated, loud enough to silence the entire surrounding forest, yet soft enough that you strangely felt it was only in your mind. It was a soft voice, but heavy with danger.
"What do we have here? What simple creature has managed to snatch me from the clutches of death?"
You gasped and took a step back as the light finally went out, and before you you could see the imposing, dark figure that the entire kingdom, regardless of noble or humble birth, knew to fear. Maleficent.
You had heard whispered tales of the beast that dwelled in the ruins beyond the mountain, of the merciless dark fairy who extinguished any light that entered her domain, of the sworn enemy of the fairies in King Stephan's court. You had never seen her, of course; you were far too insignificant for even evil incarnate to notice you.
And yet, here she was, before you, in all her dark but captivating glory. And the dark fairy's blood-red lips twisted into a smirk as you finally found your voice, even if it was a barely audible whisper.
@staff as a Tumblr user for the last 12+ years, the idea of reblogs turning to "Twitter/Bluesky-like" chains is repulsive beyond comprehension. Tumblr is a blogging website. What makes Tumblr unique is the reblog system, where users can reblog a post to their blog and others can do the same.
What's NOT unique is hiding reblogs behind separate "chains." That just makes navigating this site even worse. Not only that, but it kills engagement.
Listen to the users of this website and DO NOT consider implementing this update @staff
If only I loved you with my eyes; rather than my mind
Pairing: Andy x reader
Wc: 1340
A/n: i wanna thank @skwldy for their prompt! Without them this fic probably won't exist. I probably took too long to write this so I hope you can pardon me ๐๐
______________________________________________
"The night is still young!" Was the common phrase amongst mortals. You always thought you understood what that meant and thought it would be amplified ever since you lost your immortality to the unknown.
What a load of bullshit.
Now the nights were drowsy and the mornings flashed past in a blur. The sequence was all the same; wake up, try not to get stabbed, hit the sack.
Unfortunately, you still found yourself in battles (or battles found you). So pain was rife and so intolerable that sometimes death sounded enticing. You had never told anyone about it but you were sure they saw it on your face. The agony, the exhaustion. They wouldn't understand anyway.
So the only solace you found was the riverbank near the safehouse. It was shrouded by a stream of bluebells and cattails. During the nights when wounds from your battles intensified, you always found yourself sitting at the edge of the river with your legs dipped halfway into the cooling water. It was a moment to finally breathe and to let up the tough front.
On most nights, you and the flowers became one until the sun rose in all its glory and woke you up warmly. But tonight was not most nights, tonight the darkness gave way to the bulbs of fireflies, and the silence gave way to rustles.
You turned, squinting to make out the approaching figure. The silhouette was tall and slender, clad in jeans and a tank top. It took only a second for a smile to push up your lips in recognition.
"How come i never knew there were flowers here?" Andy said, the tips of her fingers slipping from petal to petal as her hips bumped cattails to form a little trail.
"Because they weren't here in the first place. Not until the past few weeks anyway. The fireflies too, I've never seen them until tonight. It's probably all the water I brought to land or something. Made the place more fertile than it was." As proof, your legs swung up onto the riverbank, seeing the dirt immediately soaking up the puddle of water that formed beneath your feet.
"And here I thought we were done playing god."
"And here I thought you believed in no god."
She shrugged, settling down beside you. "How am I supposed to reason..." She shook her head, unwilling to utter her thoughts, as if keeping it in would make the whole situation less real. Her heavy eyes met yours in the silence, conveying her grief without a word.
The sight sent a pang of pain straight to your heart. Your jaw clenched, eyes slipping to your lap. Of all the pain you've felt since you turned mortal, hers was the most gut-wrenching one. Tears pressed behind your eyes, but you willed them not to fall this time, not now, not tonight, not when she was right here by your side.
So you forced a smile instead, "I don't know, I guess the world just has plans. Or maybe whoever's up there just so happened to cancel the wrong subscription."
The joke fell flat. She didn't laugh, she didn't even smile. Your brows pulled together as worry built in your chest. "What's wrong?" Your hands reached out instinctively to comfort her but she slapped them away, tears reflecting off her eyes.
"How can you take this so lightly, act like everything's fine when it's so far from that? Do you think I don't notice when you sneak out in the middle of the night? You're in so much pain you can't sleep anymore. Why are you trying so hard to hide it from us? Nicky, Joe, Booker, we are all- we're all so worried." She took your hand in hers, wanting to close the distance. "ะผะพั ะปัะฑะพะฒั (my love), do you hear me?"
The way her eyes darted in uncertainty was heartbreaking. You shook your head helplessly, retracting your hand. "I can't bear it- " you cried out, stumbling to your feet.
"What are you talking about?" She clambered up, her hands closing around nothing when she reached for you. Her lower lip quivered at the emptiness, tears breaking down her cheeks.
"I have to leave. I want to leave. I can't bear seeing you like this." Your hands gesticulated in fraught.
"What are you talking about?!" Her voice rose, trembling. The realisation was creeping in but she didn't want to believe it. Around you, the fireflies swarmed anxiously, the glow petering out.
Breath ragged, she was petrified, dreading every word that came to exist within the space between the both of you.
An unwanted sob fled your lips, you shook your head, dashing away. Your legs cut through the (small) meadow, the safehouse growing blurry as tears spilled down your face. Hot on your tail, you could hear her confusion as she pleaded for reason.
It was all too late for you anyway. Death was out there somewhere and you'd better find it first before it finds you.
The door to the church slammed open. Your gasps and sobs loud against the quiet. You rushed to the bedroom, pulling out clothes, guns, ammo, anything you deemed necessary and shoving them into the duffel bag. Around you, the rest of the team were clamouring, firing questions but you were only shaking your head, wiping away the wetness and mucus from your face.
The closing zip was galvanising. You moved with conviction despite doubt crawling up your spine. But Booker was faster, his body blocking the expanse of the door. You held his gaze. "Let me through, Booker."
"I can't do that. We're a team, remember?"
"No, we're not, I'm going to die and you won't. Do you know what grief will do to you, to Andy? It's been five hundred years since Quynh, Booker. "
Behind him, Andy's feet slowed to a stop. She could finally breathe, but the relief didn't last because Booker slid away and you took the chance, tearing through them and into the open.
In flashes of your figure, she grabbed your bag on instinct, stopping you. "Let me go." You grind out, her grip turned white and yet you still tugged your bag fruitlessly.
"You think I can't handle another death." She stated.
"No, you can't handle mine. I'm the death of you, you know that."
Her grip fastened. A gun brandished, you put the nozzle above your beating heart, finger on the trigger.
Just as you expected, her shoulders tensed as life flashed before her eyes. The only reason she hasn't knocked the weapon out of your hands is because she knew you wouldn't do it. Yet the possibility alone was threatening enough.
The silence was tremendous as you faced her glare. So hateful, so betrayed. You needed to remind yourself that it was for the best; to love was to lose. Then again, the course of true love never did run smooth.
_________
On May 10th of 1940, twelve decades after you left, the Charlie safehouse became the only untouched spot from German troops, but the team had long evacuated France and the whole of Europe to avoid the war.
It wasn't until they retrieved the new immortal that they returned to the safehouse again.
Came nighttime, Andy lingered by the graveyard that was once a lapping river. A wilted stalk between her fingers, it only felt like yesterday when bluebells and cattails brushed her skin, tickling and leaving soft odours. Her head angled up, eyes seeking the high moon that overlooked life below, wishing for the knowledge of your whereabouts.
Far away, she heard the creak of the church door, the interior light spilling out into the darkness. Nile wandered out. "Can't sleep?"
Andy hummed in response, twirling the stalk again but this time it disintegrated beneath the pads of her fingers, falling to the ground below.
"You okay?" Nile joined her side.
"Yeah," she wiped her hands against her jeans, getting ready to leave. "I guess I was just expecting to see some fireflies."
Summary: After a drunken night neither of them remembers, you and Natasha wake up in bed together โ naked, marked, and silent. Best friends. Supposedly straight. You agree never to talk about it. But the footage doesnโt lie. What started as a mistake slowly unravels everything you thought you knew about your feelings for her โ and hers for you. Avoidance turns to longing, silence turns to ache, until one quiet confession finally breaks the tension. This time, youโre awake for it. And this time, itโs not a mistake.
Word Count: 5.8k
Warnings: brief angst, avoidance/miscommunication, internalised confusion about sexuality, mentions of weight loss, mild deceptions of emotional withdrawal, first time wlw (r)
(WLW content- Men and minors Dni)
You wake up to a familiar scentโlavender and leather, something sharper underneath. And not your own shampoo. Which is weird, because this is not your pillow. Not your room. And definitely not your bed. You blink into the soft cotton, blinking away the crust of sleep, the throb of a hangover pounding at the inside of your skull like itโs trying to get out. Somethingโs wrong. Not oh-I-drank-too-much wrong. Not whereโs-my-phone wrong. Something more serious.
Because youโre naked.
Fully, absolutely, no-socks-even naked.
And this is Natasha Romanoffโs room.
You sit up slowly. Very slowly. Like the world will tip over if you move too fast. The sheet slides off your bare shoulders andโyep. There they are.
Marks.
Everywhere.
Your collarbone. Your chest. Down your arms. Even lower. You donโt look too long, but your inner thigh looks like someone made out with it like it owed them rent.
You stare at nothing for a long moment.
Then say, very quietly: โโฆfuck.โ
The door to the en-suite creaks open and Natasha walks out in a towel, hair wet, face flushed from steam, skin glowing like sheโs walked off a runway and not, presumably, done unspeakable things to you while you were blackout drunk. You donโt know what expression you expected her to haveโmaybe smugness, maybe regret. But the way her eyes widen when she sees you says everything.
She doesnโt remember either.
โShit,โ she mutters.
You echo it, because thereโs nothing else to say.
โฏยธ.โขยด*ยจ`*โขโฟ โฟโข*`ยจ*`โข.ยธโฏ
You end up in the kitchen twenty minutes later, both in your worst loungewear like youโve regressed to hungover uni students. You avoid looking at each other. She cooks eggs. You make the toast, which you promptly burn, because your hands are still shaking. Coffee helps. A little. But thereโs still this massive, smothering tension in the air.
And youโre still so naked under this hoodie.
โSo,โ Natasha finally says, chewing like the eggs offend her. โHow drunk were we?โ
You poke at your plate. โDrunk enough that I remember literally nothing. Likeโฆ not even vibes. Just darkness. Brain gone.โ
She makes a noise. Not quite agreement. Not quite relief. You steal a look at her, try to gauge if sheโs freaking out as badly as you are. Sheโs got that blank expression on, the one she uses in briefings and fights and when people get too close. Youโre best friendsโyou know her tells. You know sheโs quietly imploding.
Your mouth moves before you can stop it. โI mean, judging by theseโโ You pull the collar of your sweatshirt down slightly to show her the edge of a very angry-looking hickey. โโI think at least one of us had a hell of a time.โ
Her face goes scarlet. โPlease never say that again.โ
โIโm just saying,โ you mutter, laughing weakly, because humour is your default defence mechanism when your reality starts cracking like old paint. โSomeone was enthusiastic. I have a bite mark on my ass. My ass, Nat.โ
She makes a strangled sound like sheโs swallowing a laugh and a scream at once.
Then the thought hits you, and it lands like a rock in your chest.
You look up. โWaitโฆ doesnโt the common room have cameras?โ
She freezes. Doesnโt answer.
โOh my god,โ you say. โIt does. Youโve said it beforeโTony has them everywhere. Even here. Are you telling me thereโs a recording of usโ?โ
โAbsolutely not,โ she says, eyes wide. โWeโre not doing this.โ
โCome on,โ you say, already reaching for your phone. โArenโt you just a little curious?โ
โNo. I want it to stay a mystery. Like a blackout horror movie.โ
โNatasha.โ
She closes her eyes like sheโs trying to will you out of existence. โFine. One look. Then it gets deleted. Forever.โ
You nod, trying to hide your grin. Youโre totally chill. Completely unaffected. Just curious. Because youโre straight. Obviously.
โฏยธ.โขยด*ยจ`*โขโฟ โฟโข*`ยจ*`โข.ยธโฏ
You sit beside her on the couch, legs pulled under you, blanket around both your laps like that will protect your friendship from the trainwreck about to happen. The screen flickers on.
โJARVIS,โ you say, too casually, โcan you pull footage from last nightโs common room? Starting aroundโฆ 9 p.m.?โ
โConfirmed,โ the AI responds. โShall I begin playback?โ
โNo,โ Natasha says immediately.
โYes,โ you say over her.
She sighs like sheโs aged five years.
And then it begins.
โฏยธ.โขยด*ยจ`*โขโฟ โฟโข*`ยจ*`โข.ยธโฏ
It starts tame. You and Natasha sitting on the couch, drinks in hand. Laughing. Loud. Leaning into each other. Youโre close. Too close. You remember this part, maybe. Sort of. The way her hand brushed yours. The way you nudged her shoulder. The way she was already a little too comfortable curling her legs into your lap.
Then you start touching. Hair. Knees. Her hand slides up your thigh and you donโt push it away.
Then your shirtโs gone.
Then hers.
Then sheโs on top of you. Youโre in her lap. Your mouth is on her neck. Sheโs laughing, breathless, flushed. Your hands are under the waistband of her sweats. Her hips roll up. You hear a moan and only realise itโs you when Natasha makes a noise next to you on the couch.
You pause the video.
Silence.
You turn to her very slowly. โWe made a sex tape.โ
โThis is not a sex tape,โ she says through gritted teeth.
โThis is a CCTV sex tape in Tony Starkโs common room,โ you whisper. โThat is worse. That is so much worse.โ
You stare at yourself on the frozen screen. Sweaty. Shirtless. Looking like you want to devour your best friend.
Youโve never slept with a woman in your life. Never wanted to. Youโve said that. Repeatedly. With confidence. With certainty.
So why does your stomach flip like that?
Why are you still kind of dizzy from the sight of her mouth against your throat, her hands on your hips, the sounds you were makingโ
โJARVIS,โ Natasha croaks, โdelete all footage from 9 p.m. to 2 a.m., yesterday. Immediately.โ
โFootage deleted,โ JARVIS confirms.
You exhale. Collapse into the cushions like your bones have turned to liquid. You feel nauseous. You feel high. You feel like youโre falling backwards into something very large and very dangerous.
โWe canโt ever talk about this,โ you say.
โAgreed.โ
โLike, ever. Not even in passing. Not even jokingly.โ
โEspecially not jokingly,โ she says.
Thereโs a pause.
And then you both start laughing.
Itโs too much. Itโs hysterical. The kind of laughter that comes right before a full-blown panic attack. You double over, face in your hands, wheezing. Natashaโs shaking beside you, shoulders hunched, hands over her eyes.
โI bit you,โ she gasps. โWhy would I do that?โ
โI moaned,โ you groan. โLike, actual softcore levels of moaning.โ
โYou straddled me in pyjamas.โ
โYou pulled my hair!โ
โYou liked it!โ
โStop!โ
More laughter. Collapsing into each other, gripping your sides.
And then, slowly, breath returning, the laughter fades.
โฏยธ.โขยด*ยจ`*โขโฟ โฟโข*`ยจ*`โข.ยธโฏ
You stare at the blank TV screen. Something silent settles in the room. Not awkward. Justโฆ delicate.
You break it first. โWeโre best friends, right?โ
โYeah.โ
โAnd weโre gonna keep being best friends?โ
โOf course.โ
โSo that wasโฆ an accident.โ
โDrunk mistake.โ
โCool. Cool cool cool.โ
You nod. Like if you say it enough, itโll become true. Like itโs not still sitting under your skin, all heat and confusion and maybe a little bit of longing.
โPinky swear,โ you say, offering your finger.
Natasha stares at it like itโs a grenade.
Then, with a sigh, she loops her pinky through yours.
โDeadly secrecy,โ she says.
โBury-it-under-a-shallow-grave secrecy.โ
You both nod.
Itโs a pact.
It has to be.
โฏยธ.โขยด*ยจ`*โขโฟ โฟโข*`ยจ*`โข.ยธโฏ
Later, Bucky sees you limping slightly down the hall and raises an eyebrow.
You nod too hard. โYep. Definitely yoga. Bad downward dog.โ
Bucky shrugs and keeps walking.
Natasha smirks.
You glare at her.
โฏยธ.โขยด*ยจ`*โขโฟ โฟโข*`ยจ*`โข.ยธโฏ
You never talk about it again.
Not once.
But sometimes, sheโll glance at you in the middle of a movie night, and youโll see her eyes flicker down to your neck. Like sheโs remembering. Like sheโs not supposed to.
And sometimes you still hear the echo of her voice in your ear, that slurred Russian endearment you didnโt even realise you knew.
Youโre still straight. Obviously. Totally. Mostly. Probably.
You donโt talk about it.
You donโt even think about it.
Except when you do.
โฏยธ.โขยด*ยจ`*โขโฟ โฟโข*`ยจ*`โข.ยธโฏ
Natashaโs good at burying things. Lives, missions, guilt. Feelings.
She tells herself sheโs buried this, too.
Except she hasnโt.
Because it keeps coming back in flashes. Not even the good parts. Not the sex. Just the look on your face when you paused the footageโlaughing, half-horrified, half-gleeful. You looked at her like youโd won something. Like youโd stolen a secret. And maybe you had.
Maybe youโd stolen her.
She canโt stop thinking about the way you touched her. Not even the memory of the touchesโjust the look in your eyes on the screen. Like you were starving. Like you meant it.
Thatโs what haunts her.
Because Natasha has always been attracted to women. Sheโs known it since she was twelve. Sheโs dated them. Slept with them. Loved one or two, even if she never said the words. But she never let herself think of you that wayโnot seriouslyโbecause you were you.
Straight. Untouchable. A little reckless, a little clueless, always warm, always there.
You flirted with everyone, but it was always harmless. Always safe.
She thought.
And now she canโt stop thinking about the way you said ours. โOur sex tape.โ Like it was a thing youโd made together. Like it mattered.
You said you were straight. Again and again. Drunk, sober, laughing over dinner. โNot my thing,โ youโd say when she teased you about some actress, brushing it off like it wasnโt even a question.
And yet.
And yet.
Natasha wakes up three nights in a row thinking she feels your mouth on her throat. Her hips jerking against phantom fingers. Your voice in her ear, slurred and aching: God, you feel so good, Nat.
Sheโs not imagining that.
She knows sheโs not.
But she canโt say anything. Because youโre still doing the thingโplaying it off, being casual, being you. Still laughing about it when it comes up in the smallest ways. You elbow her at breakfast when someone on the news says the word โtapeโ and go, โNot ours, though.โ
And she laughs. She does. She laughs because thatโs what sheโs supposed to do.
But she thinks about the way your hips rolled down onto hers like youโd done it a thousand times before. Like it wasnโt the first time. Like it wouldnโt be the last.
And then she starts wonderingโwas it? Was it your first time?
You said you were straight. But you didnโt act like it. Not that night. Not with her.
Maybe thatโs whatโs ruining her.
โฏยธ.โขยด*ยจ`*โขโฟ โฟโข*`ยจ*`โข.ยธโฏ
She tries.
She really tries to forget.
She throws herself into sparring. Takes extra missions. Works through lunch. Avoids the common room unless itโs empty. Watches you from corners and shadows like youโre a threat she hasnโt decided how to neutralise.
Youโre not even doing anything. Thatโs what makes it worse.
Youโre justโฆ being you.
Messy hair, too-loud laugh, feet on the furniture, casual as ever. You joke. You poke. You steal fries from her plate. You fall asleep with your head on her shoulder during movie nights like nothing happened.
Like your teeth were never in her shoulder.
Like you didnโt whimper her name against her throat.
Like you didnโt grab her face with both hands and kiss her like she was air.
Sheโs drowning in it.
And you donโt even seem to know.
โฏยธ.โขยด*ยจ`*โขโฟ โฟโข*`ยจ*`โข.ยธโฏ
It finally cracks on a night when the compound is quiet and the hallway smells like rain.
You find her in the gym, well past midnight, hitting the bag like it owes her something.
You watch her for a while before saying anything.
โYouโre mad at me.โ
She doesnโt stop. Doesnโt turn. โNo, Iโm not.โ
You walk in anyway. Drop your bag by the wall. โYouโve been weird.โ
She keeps punching. Keeps not looking at you.
You fold your arms. โIs this about that night?โ
Nothing.
โBecause youโre acting like I killed your dog.โ
That gets her. She snorts, stops, breathes heavy. Lets the bag sway.
You step closer. โI get it. It was a mistake. You donโt have to keep punishing me like I ruined your life.โ
She turns slowly. Wipes sweat from her brow. Her eyes are dark. Dangerous.
โYou didnโt ruin my life.โ
โCouldโve fooled me.โ
Thereโs silence. Long. Tight.
Then she says, low and rough, โYou kissed me first.โ
You blink. โWhat?โ
โThat night. You kissed me first. I watched the tape.โ
โIโโ you falter, โI donโt remember doing that.โ
โWell, you did.โ
She steps toward you, slow and deliberate.
โYou kissed me first. And then you said my name like it was the only word you knew. And then you looked at me like you wanted me.โ
โI was drunk.โ
โYou were you,โ she says sharply. โYou were you, and you knew what you were doing.โ
You back up a step. Not from fear. From the weight of it.
โI didnโt mean toโโ
โTo what?โ
You bite your lip. โIโm notโฆ I donโt do that.โ
โYou did.โ
โYeah, but Iโm notโโ
โNot what?โ she demands. โNot gay? Not into girls? Not into me?โ
Your mouth opens. Closes. Nothing comes out.
She softens then. Just slightly.
โItโs not about labels,โ she says quietly. โI donโt care what box you think you fit in. I just know how you made me feel. And I donโt want to pretend it didnโt happen anymore.โ
You swallow. โWhy now?โ
She looks away. Her voice goes smaller. โBecause I canโt stop thinking about you. And Iโm tired of pretending it didnโt mean something.โ
You stare at her.
And it hits you all at onceโhow close she is. How wrecked she looks. How scared.
Not of you. Of what sheโs saying. Of being wrong.
You could lie.
You could say it didnโt mean anything. That you were drunk and stupid and it was a blip, a hiccup in time.
You could say youโre straight and you always will be.
But the lie sticks in your throat.
Because your body remembers.
You remember the feel of her hands gripping your thighs, her mouth dragging open-mouthed kisses across your chest, the low growl she made when you pulled her hair.
You remember thinking, mid-kiss, God, this is Nat. This is my Nat.
And it didnโt feel wrong.
It felt like falling.
So you donโt lie. But you donโt confess, either.
You just say, โI donโt know what Iโm doing.โ
And Natasha exhales. Not relief. Justโฆ release.
โMe neither,โ she murmurs. โBut Iโm still here.โ
She steps back. Gives you space. Doesnโt push.
โI wonโt bring it up again,โ she says. โBut I had to say it. Just once.โ
You nod. Almost imperceptibly.
And she leaves the gym, sweat-soaked and silent, like she just handed you her heart in a body bag.
โฏยธ.โขยด*ยจ`*โขโฟ โฟโข*`ยจ*`โข.ยธโฏ
Two weeks.
Not a word. Not a glance. Not even a pity-like on your stupid sarcastic meme in the group chat.
Natasha Romanoff, former best friend and maker of your โnot-a-sex-tape,โ has gone dark on you. You know sheโs still in the compoundโJARVIS told you when you asked if she was on mission. But itโs like sheโs erased herself from your orbit.
Youโre not sure if youโre supposed to be mad. Hurt. Guilty. Relieved.
You just feel hollow.
You try to tell yourself it doesnโt matter. You werenโt together. You never were. You were friends, drunk, confusedโnothing more. Youโve had meaningless flings. Youโve had blurred lines before. But this is Natasha.
Youโve never had silence with Natasha.
You think maybe thatโs whatโs killing you.
โฏยธ.โขยด*ยจ`*โขโฟ โฟโข*`ยจ*`โข.ยธโฏ
The final straw comes on a Sunday.
You pass her in the corridor.
Or ratherโyou donโt.
You hear her voice at the end of the hall, laughter in it, soft and easy. You freeze. You wait. You hope sheโll see you. Say your name. Even scowl. Something.
But she doesnโt.
She turns the corner, laughing with Sam, eyes shining, and never even looks your way.
And something in you shatters so quietly it doesnโt even echo.
โฏยธ.โขยด*ยจ`*โขโฟ โฟโข*`ยจ*`โข.ยธโฏ
You donโt go to Wanda right away.
You sit on it. Let it curdle. Try to swallow it down like spoiled milk and pretend itโs still edible.
It takes you three days.
And then you knock on her door like a ghost.
She opens it barefoot, wearing an oversized hoodie and leggings, hair messy, no makeupโso soft and real it makes your throat ache.
โHey,โ she says, gentle as wind. โYou okay?โ
You donโt answer. Just step in and sit on the edge of her bed like your body is moving without permission.
She doesnโt push. Just closes the door and sits cross-legged across from you, waiting.
And you break.
โI think I fucked everything up.โ
Her expression doesnโt change. โTell me.โ
So you do.
You tell her about the night. The drunkenness. The tape. The moaning, the biting, the laughing, the pretending.
You tell her about the fight. The hallway. The way Natasha said โYou kissed me firstโ like it meant something.
You donโt cry. But your voice wobbles.
โI told her I didnโt know what I was doing. And I meant it. I still mean it. But sheโs been avoiding me ever since, and I feel likeโlike Iโve lost her. And the worst part is, I donโt know if Iโm more upset because I lost my best friendโฆ or because I think I wanted more.โ
Wanda doesnโt speak. She lets you fill the silence.
And you do.
โI always said I was straight. I believed it. Still kind of do. Or did, I guess. But that nightโฆโ You laughโshaky and bitter. โThat night didnโt feel like a mistake. And not just because the sex was good, which it was, obviously, I mean itโs Natashaโbut because it was her. And it felt likeโโ
You pause.
Wandaโs voice is quiet. โLike something that was waiting to happen.โ
Your eyes snap up. โYes.โ
She nods. โAnd now sheโs gone.โ
You nod back, helpless. โAnd I donโt know what Iโm supposed to do with this feeling. I keep thinking maybe I made it up. Maybe I wanted something she didnโt. Or maybe she wanted something I couldnโt give.โ
โShe wanted you,โ Wanda says gently. โI saw it. Iโve felt it. For a long time.โ
Your stomach twists. โThen why is she avoiding me?โ
Wandaโs eyes are sympathetic. โBecause you said you didnโt know what you were doing. Because you never told her if you regretted it. Because sheโs scared she misread you.โ
You shake your head. โThatโs not fair. I didnโt know. I still donโt know. Itโs not like I woke up the next day suddenly into women. Itโs not that simple.โ
โI know,โ Wanda says. โBut hearts arenโt logical. And Natashaโฆ she doesnโt risk them often. Youโre not just someone to her.โ
You flinch. โThen why wonโt she talk to me?โ
Wanda gives a small, sad smile. โBecause she thinks talking to you might hurt more than silence.โ
You let that sit. Heavy. Dense.
โShe looked at me like I mattered,โ you whisper. โLike I was hers.โ
โYou are,โ Wanda says.
You shake your head. โIโm not ready.โ
โYou donโt have to be. But you do need to tell her youโre still there. Even if itโs messy. Even if itโs nothing more than that.โ
You nod slowly.
Feeling unprepared and even more confused than before.
โฏยธ.โขยด*ยจ`*โขโฟ โฟโข*`ยจ*`โข.ยธโฏ
Itโs been a week since you told Wanda.
You havenโt really left your room since.
Not in any meaningful way, anyway. You go out once a day, at most, grab something from the kitchen that barely qualifies as a meal, then disappear before anyone can talk to you. Sometimes you reheat leftovers and let them go cold in your hands. Other times you just stand at the counter until your chest starts to ache, then walk away. The others have stopped trying to stop you. You suppose they think youโre busy. Or brooding. Or just being you.
Youโre not.
Youโreโฆ stuck.
Wrapped in a knot of thoughts you canโt undo, spiralling slowly inward.
Youโve never been good at sitting still with feelings, and now theyโre the only thing left in the room.
โฏยธ.โขยด*ยจ`*โขโฟ โฟโข*`ยจ*`โข.ยธโฏ
You keep trying to rationalise it, make it make sense.
You and Natasha were always close. Youโve shared beds after missions. Youโve fallen asleep with your head in her lap more than once. She used to let you paint her nails while she complained about Clint. You used to steal her hoodies, and she used to steal your fries.
It was always touchy. Soft. Familiar.
Comfortable.
It was never supposed to hurt.
But now it does. It hurts every time she walks into a room and doesnโt look at you. Hurts every time you hear her voice down the hall and your chest clenches like itโs trying to keep itself from saying her name.
Hurts to realise you canโt un-know what she tastes like. Or what she sounds like with your name in her mouth like a secret.
You thought it was platonic.
You wanted to think it was platonic.
But you keep dreaming about her.
Keep waking up flushed and guilty and alone.
And that doesnโt feel very friendly.
โฏยธ.โขยด*ยจ`*โขโฟ โฟโข*`ยจ*`โข.ยธโฏ
You havenโt messaged her.
She hasnโt messaged you.
She hasnโt been in the same room as you since that morning in the kitchenโsince you both laughed awkwardly about your accidental sex tape and agreed, without saying it directly, to pretend it never happened.
You donโt think she meant to cut you out of her life.
But she has.
Sheโs been avoiding you so obviously itโs almost funny.
You catch glimpses of her sometimes, in passingโleaving the gym as you walk toward it, stepping into the elevator just before you round the corner. A shadow of her in every doorway youโre too slow to reach.
But sheโs not ignoring you.
Not really.
Because sheโs still looking.
โฏยธ.โขยด*ยจ`*โขโฟ โฟโข*`ยจ*`โข.ยธโฏ
You notice it in the little things. You left a mug in the kitchenโone you always use, the chipped ceramic one with the whale tail handleโand the next day it was washed and back in your cupboard. Youโre the only one who ever bothers to clean up after you. No one else wouldโve cared.
A few days ago, you passed Steve in the hall. He gave you that tight-lipped smile of his and said, โNatasha mentioned youโve been keeping to yourself. You alright?โ
You shrugged.
He didnโt press.
You think sheโs been asking around.
You think sheโs been trying to spot you without seeing you.
It should make you feel better.
It doesnโt.
โฏยธ.โขยด*ยจ`*โขโฟ โฟโข*`ยจ*`โข.ยธโฏ
You spend hours sitting on the floor of your room with your back to the bed, your knees pulled up and a hoodie wrapped around you like armour. Itโs hersโdark grey, oversized, still faintly scented like something warm. She gave it to you two years ago after a mission in the Alps, when youโd taken a fall through thin ice and come out shaking and soaked to the bone. She tossed it over your head like it meant nothing, said, โDonโt freeze to death before debrief, dumbass.โ
You never gave it back.
You told yourself you liked the way it fit. That was all.
Now, it feels like the only thing keeping you from falling apart.
โฏยธ.โขยด*ยจ`*โขโฟ โฟโข*`ยจ*`โข.ยธโฏ
Youโre not sleeping much. Or at all.
The thoughts wonโt shut up long enough to let you rest. You cycle through the same ones on repeat, trying to make them mean something. Trying to figure out when exactly things changed.
Was it in Prague, when she kissed your forehead after a night op?
Was it in that bar in Berlin, when she danced with you like you were the only one in the room?
Was it on movie nights, when she always pulled you into her side before the opening credits even rolled?
Or had it always been like this?
Had you just been too afraid to look at it straight on?
โฏยธ.โขยด*ยจ`*โขโฟ โฟโข*`ยจ*`โข.ยธโฏ
The worst thing is you still want her here.
Even now, even after everything, you miss her.
You miss her laugh. You miss the way she teases you, always two steps ahead. You miss the way she used to throw popcorn at you during bad horror movies and tell you to shut up when you overanalysed the plot.
You miss your best friend.
But now youโre not sure if thatโs all she was.
You donโt know what she is to you anymore.
You donโt know what you are to her.
And that unknowingโthatโis whatโs undoing you.
โฏยธ.โขยด*ยจ`*โขโฟ โฟโข*`ยจ*`โข.ยธโฏ
The knock comes just after eight.
Youโre sitting in the dark again, curled up on your bed with your back to the door, wearing her hoodie like a second skin and cradling a half-finished mug of lukewarm tea. You havenโt spoken to anyone in days.
The knock is soft.
Hesitant.
You freeze.
A second passes.
Then another.
Then a voice, low and uncertain: โItโs me.โ
Your heart stumbles.
You donโt move. Donโt speak.
You think maybe if youโre quiet enough, sheโll go away. Youโre not sure you can handle this. Youโre not sure you can breathe with her in the room.
But the knock comes again.
โPlease.โ
When you open the door, the light from the hallway stings your eyes.
Natasha stands there in a faded tank top and joggers, barefoot, arms crossed tightly over her chest like she regrets this already. Her hairโs up in a messy twist, her jaw tight. But her eyesโthey soften the second they land on you.
You know what she sees.
The tear-burns drying at the corners of your eyes. The sleeves of her jumper pulled down over your fists like youโre hiding in it.
You donโt say anything.
Neither does she.
She just stares for a moment, taking you in, like she wasnโt expecting you to look like this.
Like it hurts her to see it.
Then, quietly: โCan I come in?โ
You nod without meaning to.
She follows you inside like sheโs holding her breath.
You sit down on the edge of your bed, legs folding under you automatically, and she hesitates before lowering herself beside youโclose, but not close enough to touch. She doesnโt look at you. Her hands rest between her knees. Her body is angled slightly away, like she doesnโt know if sheโs welcome here.
You want to touch her so badly it aches.
You want to pull her close and feel her settle into your side like she used to. You want to bury your face in her neck and inhale the comfort youโve been missing for weeks.
But you donโt move.
And neither does she.
โIโve been worried about you.โ
Itโs quiet. Careful.
You nod again, eyes fixed on your knees. โIโve been fine.โ
You havenโt.
She doesnโt push. Just hums, soft and non-judgmental.
โI was going to check on you sooner,โ she says, fingers playing with the hem of her shirt. โI kept meaning to.โ
You wait for her to say but I didnโt. She doesnโt. She doesnโt have to.
You look at her from the corner of your eye. The low light of your bedroom makes her look smaller than usual. Her postureโs curled in on itself, defensive. Or maybe nervous.
Natasha Romanoff. Nervous.
It would be laughable if it werenโt so fragile.
โWhat changed?โ you ask quietly. โWhy now?โ
She shrugs, like the answer is obvious. โI didnโt see you all week.โ
โYouโve been avoiding me.โ
โI know.โ
And thatโs it. Just that. I know.
She doesnโt excuse it. Doesnโt explain. Just owns it.
You almost wish sheโd lie about it.
You donโt want to believe she had to choose to look for you.
You want her to have missed you.
You want her toโ
โI missed you.โ
You blink.
Sheโs looking at you now. She says it like itโs nothing.
Like itโs just a fact.
โI missed you,โ she repeats. โEvery day.โ
You say nothing.
Your chest is filling with something you canโt name, something trembling and sharp at the edges. Something that wants to burst free.
โฏยธ.โขยด*ยจ`*โขโฟ โฟโข*`ยจ*`โข.ยธโฏ
โI kept thinking about that night,โ she says, voice softer now. โTrying to make sense of it. Wondering if I shouldโve stopped us.โ
You glance at her. Her brows are drawn in like sheโs been stuck in this thought for days.
โI wasnโt that drunk,โ she murmurs. โAnd neither were you.โ
You feel your throat close a little.
โI thinkโโ She breaks off. Sighs. โI think I wanted to believe we were more gone than we were. So I could tell myself it didnโt mean anything.โ
The ache in your chest flares.
โAnd it did,โ you whisper.
She nods.
You stare at her, stunned at the honesty in her face. No mask. No joke. Justโฆ her.
Sheโs laying the pieces out for you.
All you have to do is say it.
โIโm in love with you.โ
It comes out raw. Desperate. You didnโt mean to say it like that, like your ribs were cracking under the weight of it.
But maybe thatโs the only way it couldโve come out.
Natasha freezes.
You stare down at your hands in your lap, blinking back heat in your eyes. You wish youโd eased into it. Said it pretty. Said it soft. You wishโ
Her hand brushes yours. Then finds it. Her fingers curl around yours like they belong there. Your heart stutters. You look up. And sheโs already leaning in.
The kiss is gentle. Quiet. Full of hesitation and history.
Her lips find yours like theyโve done it beforeโlike they remember you.
Thereโs no firestorm this time. No drunken frenzy. No bite, no grab, no frantic unzipping of clothes. Just lips and hands and a slow ache in your chest that says home.
Her hand cups your jaw and your eyes flutter shut. You melt into her without a second thought, without even a choice. Your breath catches. Your fingers tighten around hers.
And it feelsโฆ right. Uncomplicated. Like this has always been waiting.
When you part, she keeps her forehead pressed to yours. Her breath warms your cheek.
โI knew,โ she murmurs.
You frown faintly. โWhat?โ
โI knew. Not that night. Before.โ She breathes out a little laugh, short and self-deprecating. โI think I always knew.โ
You want to ask why she never said anything. But you already know. The same reason you didnโt. You thought it was platonic. You wanted it to be platonic. Because that wouldโve been easier. Because this? This changes everything. And somehow, it feels like youโve never been more okay with that.
She kisses you again.
But itโs not gentle, not this time.
Thereโs something desperate in it, something deeper โ not rough, but urgent. Like sheโs only just allowed herself to want this, and now sheโs starved.
You respond without thinking.
Her mouth moves against yours with more meaning, more ache, and when her hands find your waist, your ribs, the side of your neck โ you let her. You open to her like itโs instinct, like your body remembers her even if your memory pretended to forget.
Clothes come off slowly.
Not in a frantic way, not like last time. You take your time now. Eyes on each other. Lingering touches. Bare skin unveiled like something sacred. Her fingers trail your spine. Your breath catches. She whispers your name like itโs a confession, and when you tilt your head back and exhale, her mouth finds the hollow of your throat like it belongs there.
You melt for her. You burn.
Your bedsheets get ruffled. Pillows shoved out of the way. Her hands never leave your skin, not for a second. Youโre not drunk this time โ you feel every press, every kiss, every moment with aching clarity.
You give yourself to her like itโs the first time.
Because it is.
This time, youโre awake for it.
โฏยธ.โขยด*ยจ`*โขโฟ โฟโข*`ยจ*`โข.ยธโฏ
You sleep tangled up in each other. Her arms around your waist. Your head buried in her collarbone. Her heartbeat against your ear, steady and human and soft.
Thereโs no shame. No dread in your gut. No fear of what tomorrow will mean.
You donโt stay up all night replaying the footage in your head.
Because this time, there is no footage.
No witness.
Just her. Just you.
โฏยธ.โขยด*ยจ`*โขโฟ โฟโข*`ยจ*`โข.ยธโฏ
The morning sunlight is softer than it was three weeks ago.
It bleeds across your floor in gold, catching on the outline of her shoulder where the covers have slipped low. Her skin is marked โ lightly scratched and bitten in places where youโd been too caught up to think. And you know you match her now.
You wake in a bed full of heat, skin to skin, and you donโt flinch.
You donโt panic.
You justโฆ lie there. Still. Warm. Whole.
Your cheek is pressed against her bare shoulder. Your legs tangled under the duvet. Her breath stirs your hair every so often. She hasnโt woken yet โ or if she has, sheโs pretending not to.
Itโs peaceful.
Itโs right.
โฏยธ.โขยด*ยจ`*โขโฟ โฟโข*`ยจ*`โข.ยธโฏ
You lie like that for a while, unmoving.
Your muscles are sore. Your throatโs dry. Your heart feels raw, but not in a bad way. More like you cracked open last night, and now everything else feels sharper. Realer.
Natasha shifts a little behind you and her arm curls around your waist without needing to be asked.
You close your eyes.
You wonder if sheโs thinking the same thing you are โ that this is where you were always supposed to end up. That maybe, despite everything, despite the silence and the fear and the three weeks of pretendingโฆ this was inevitable.
Maybe you both just needed to get out of your own way.
โฏยธ.โขยด*ยจ`*โขโฟ โฟโข*`ยจ*`โข.ยธโฏ
You donโt speak yet.
Thereโs no need.
Not now.
Last time, you woke in this bed naked and marked and full of questions. You spent the whole day terrified that it meant nothing. That it was a mistake.
This time, you donโt even need to look for answers.
She gave them to you last night.
In the way she touched you.
In the way she looked at you like you werenโt a secret.
In the way she kissed you like you belonged to her.
โฏยธ.โขยด*ยจ`*โขโฟ โฟโข*`ยจ*`โข.ยธโฏ
You shift a little, slow and careful, to face her. The duvet slips off your bare shoulder. She blinks awake at the movement โ or maybe she was already awake, just like you.
Her eyes meet yours. She doesnโt say anything. Neither do you. You just smile, small and honest. She mirrors it.
Then her hand reaches to brush a strand of hair from your cheek. The touch is feather-light, but it sends a full-body warmth curling through your chest.
You lean in before you can talk yourself out of it.
And she meets you halfway. The kiss is soft this time. Not frantic. Not desperate. Just real.
yousharknotpass
dailybridgerton
amandla
baratheonpilled
