I watch through the window as mum and dad congratulate Jason on his big win. I donāt know why they make such a big deal out of it, he wins EVERY season. Heās always so perfect, mum and dad literally pay no attention to me. All they care about is Jasonās achievements. Iām invisible here.
As Jason comes outside, he walks right by me, not acknowledging me, not even to boast. He knows heās the favourite, that mum and dad care more about him than me, Iām not competition to him. Its starting to become unbearable. When we were younger, I have memories of us getting along, him the older brother ready to protect and look after me. Mum and dad loved me back then too, they used to praise my spelling bee contest and my math scores. My bother may be good at sport, but I was always the brains. Why has it changed. Why wonāt mum even looks at me.
The house creeks at night and the sound of water is ever present, maybe itās the drains. I hate it. I canāt fall asleep, Iām scared. I ask mum for a bedtime story even though I know Iām too old for that now, she acts like she canāt hear. I can almost pinpoint the moment I became unimportant to her, when the stories and the hugs had stopped. Me and Jason had gone to the lake at the bottom of the house. We have a huge yard and live in the middle of nowhere. The lake was always where me and Jason would play during the summers. That day he had seen something that got him scared, he cries at night now even though heās older. It was scary for me too, but from then on mum always ran to his side during his nightmares. He screams, and she runs right by me, its like Iām not here.
Iām growing more resentful, Jason is stealing mum and dad away from me and I know that he knows. I see him go off with his friends, laughing, leaving me behind in this stupid house. I think he likes that Iām being ignored, he knows it makes him more important. I walk around the house as I do every day while I wait for people to come home. The house is old, but homely, pictures of me and Jason on the walls. It doesnāt pass my notice that all the recent ones donāt have me in it. The floor boards, although old, donāt creak with my footsteps, its like the house wonāt notice me either. Thereās nothing to do here, alone. I stare at the lake and I can hear the water again, rushing louder. The stillness of its surface is unnerving, and I canāt bear to see it anymore.
Frustrated, I walk upstairs and into Jasonās room. Itās a mess of football gear and comic books, thrown around the place, heās disgusting. Mum says heās becoming a teenager now and teenagers need space to be themselves or something dumb like that. Being in his room fills me with desperation. Heās a mess with muscles for brains and heās the one who mum and dad love. If he wasnāt here, then maybe they would finally notice me. That must be it, heās so loud and obnoxious, demanding of their time, if he was gone then mum wouldnāt need to skip my bedtime story for his nightmares. Dad would look at my achievements again and praise me, not Jason.
The plan is simple at first. I mess up his room, get rid of his āspaceā, even destroy the tv. Jason is livid, I peek through the cracks in the wall and they vibrate as I laugh, but mum and dad just say that someone probably broke in and they would buy him new things. Typical that Jason always gets what he wants, I havenāt been bought a present since my last birthday, its so unfair.
I keep this up, I donāt let any tv work in his room and keep invading his āspaceā, but nothing is making him leave. I rip his comics to spreads, tear his clothes and even smash the mirror. With each attempt I get more violent, but he just wonāt leave.
This time I stay in the room. I want him to know it was me. At least mum and dad will have to talk to me, tell me off. It wasnāt part of the original plan, but the plan isnāt working so ill make do. When Jason walks in though he just screams for mum, doesnāt even glance at me. He goes to his mirror, the one I smashed and sighs. Iām sick of being ignored by him. āHey!ā I walk behind him and yell. He looks at my eyes in the mirror, when was the last time we locked eyes? His face goes white and he screams. Mum rushes in and embraces him as he starts to cry. I didnāt mean to scare him like that, but I donāt feel bad, I feel good making him scared. Its satisfying. The feeling doesnāt last long however. Jason starts to mumble āOllieās here, ollieās hereā when was the last time he said my name? no one has said it aloud for so long. Finally, I am being recognised, seen, but mum just tells him Iām not! Over and over she assures him Iām not there. I canāt take it anymore! I scream and the smashed pieces of the mirror crumble to the floor. They jump out of their embrace, but I just storm out. I canāt stay in this house any longer! I run down to the lake at the end of the lard. The water is soothing. As I watch the water gently move on its shore line, and the stillness of its surface I think of the rushing water at night and the cold empty room I donāt sleep in. I think of Jason and his smiles and his night-time screams and it suddenly is so clear. I need to kill him.
I can take him on a boat, the old boat we havenāt used since we used to hang out together. The one that creaks and rocks with the slightest move. Itāll be easy to fake an accident, accidents happen all the time. Ill put him on the boat and ill sail us across the wide lake, and when we reach the middle ill stop. The lake is deep. So so deep and cold and its dark down there. I canāt see anything down there. It goes down to the very centre of the earth, I think. I was never a good swimmer. Jason is. Iāll throw him off and hold him down. Heās strong but Iāll be ready. Ill throw him off and hold him down. No matter how much he chokes and splutters. Heās never seen the bottom of the lake before, ill show him. Ill show him how dark it is down there. People forget you down there, you stop existing at the bottom of the lake and its so easy for things to look like accidents. Jason never tried to help, so while he splutters ill watch him too. Watch as he falls down the lake. And this time when I go home, I will receive all the attention. Ill be the traumatised child to fawn over. Jason will be forgotten at the bottom of the lake and mum will look at me again.
After all, its only fair.
