the night before i see you,
i’ll lie in bed shivering,
fantasising
about your warm presence.
i’ll be thinking of how horrifyingly accented
your absence is.
i will know that hearing my name
dripping from your mouth
in person
will be so much clearer,
so much deeper in my heart
than whispers on a crackling phone call.
by the time i have counted down all the minutes and seconds,
i will be there to collect you at the platform at 12.07.
as soon as your hand slips into mine,
i will recognise the feel of every line on your palm,
the lock of our entwined fingers will be familiar.
it will feel as though you have never left,
and i will take you for granted.
the first night we spend together,
i will kiss you like it hasn’t been a month since the last time.
your body and mine are two halves,
perfectly interlocking –
nothing has changed, it seems.
of course your love hasn’t faded –
why did the voices tell me it ran out?
why did they tell me you could ever stop caring?
the last night we spend together,
i will begin to feel our imminent separation
and the voices will start again.
i’ll cry in your arms and say
“i do treasure you. i do, i do, i do.
i wish you knew just how much.”
you’ll say that you know,
you’ll tell me to sleep.
but dearest,
do you really know?
do you know how i smile to myself at stations and stops and schools, just thinking of you?
do you know that when all your different laughs brush against me, my skin turns to gold?
do you know that my favourite days are with you?
i can’t say that you’re like air to me,
because i love it when you take my breath away.
but every time you touch me,
smile at me,
tease me,
i remember that i’m a product of biology.
every time you look at me,
i know that someday, plants will grow from my decomposing body.
every time we’re together,
i am the earth; i am alive; i am present.
and if that’s not proof enough,
two days after you leave,
i’ll get a little bit drunk with a little group of friends
and in a little silence,
i will breathe out my first, and ever-present thought:
“i love him so much. i can’t wait to see him again.”
