An Ode to Holiness, Maybe
It's 5am again and didnt that used to feel like most beautiful time to be awake
I thought this would be a love letter to those spiritual moments that can exist only before dawn breaks the illusion
But no matter where I end up I'm always homesick for the place I was before
Homesick for places that were never even home in the first place
And I feel a longing for nowhere that's somewhere that's slowly killing me
And these spiritual moments are nothing close to holy anymore
The stars don't seem to shine quite like they do over a cold loch on a moonless night
Or hide behind the lights of cities that are as loud as I wish I could be
I took a walk down memory lane today and as I rattled off fun little facts I conveniently edited out the traumas that they exist in
I survived all of that though I was convinced I wouldn't make it very far
It's hard to envision living longer than the hell you're in could exist
But then somehow you do and no one ever tells you how
And I should have gone to bed hours ago when my eyelids were heavy and my head was almost empty
But making a chain felt like the most important thing to do because when I've burned all the bridges
All I can do is tie new threads and hope they won't end up soaked in tears that burn wilder than I could ever hope to be
When did 5am become loneliness instead of love
And when did I forget that I am holy
That I am body and blood
That I am the sins of all those who came before me
That I am marked for greatness for all suffering comes with ease and carrying this burden is my ticket to heaven
Lying to myself has become the only truth I know these days but I'm too tired to try and
The coming of dawn does nothing but curse me with another day that I do not want and
I suppose that this has become a love letter
To all the things I have forgotten to remember













