time hangs heavy on hands @sleepingtides - Tumblr Blog

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After months did I realized what G said to me nights ago appeared to be so true and relatable to how I feel right now. I do have my ways of getting out of shit. And genuinely, I feel that I am so different from how other girls (maybe only with the exception of eva I suppose) would feel being placed at the foreground of this whole scene. I've been getting by fine. My daily routine has been nothing but work. Sometimes at work, all I could do in the midst of all the busyness especially with the fact that I'm most of the time alone, I can't help but to countdown to the end of work. Just to rest. Working alone has been an interesting past few days for me. I had many encounters, not with people but myself. I discovered a lot, and I recalled back to all that has happened in the past - few months ago, last year or even way back in '10. Many moments that i re-encountered were not moments I felt painful and hurtful about whereas a promising journey that I felt that I've learnt a lot of invaluable lessons going through them. Somehow when this broke out to me initially, it wasn't a least bit easy at all, but I still believed that there was something more to it than the heartbreaks and memories which I could only remember. Frankly I'm tired, but I'm even more tired telling myself that. All I needed to know were just two things; love and self-worth. Dov told me last night about something which raised a lot of questions about myself. tired loving people or just tired of discovering how to even take care of yourself. It broke my heart. Because true enough, with all humility, I've always been one that wanted to consider others above self and it has and will always be a matter of principle in my life despite all that has happened, despite how tired of loving people she has made me sound to be. I value people in and out of my life a bunch, my family, my grandparents most importantly and even some people that could have came in and walked away from my life, even mere strangers, there's just a piece of myself that just sustain me to love people and to watch over them even if I may not necessarily be physically around sometimes, in fact most of the times, especially towards eva and jel. But the ones that has always been there, whether I've gone through different sort of episodes with, they are the ones I know I'll always love, remember and keep them close to my heart for a lifetime. K, means a lot to me though things didn't quite worked out between the both of us, but as a good friend, he has always been a very different, and a special one which I didn't even felt it with R and M. But i guess I've finally chosen to let go eventually because I've loved far too much to hang in there. But I know, he will still be a keeper even if I've moved on and even if I've moved on with someone else in the future. Sometimes things just don't work or weren't meant to be and it doesn't have to be anyone's fault. But I suppose after all, it is taking what you can out of the experience and appreciate the memories. To me, he will always just be that sort of guy I will love like a brother, treat him like a friend, and respect like a lover. Maybe I just don't wanna feel anymore, but I know I'm headed somewhere at the very least. It's just a matter of time and it's' process.

i did something which i have never expected myself to ever do because of how much i know it hurts to an extent that whenever i see my mom at it, she tears, - threading.

i could be one of the weirdest being on earth that would ever resort to doing such a thing to physically experience what pain, excruciating pain really is.

but i didn't felt any physical pain a single bit. when mom and the beautician asked how come it doesn't seem like it pains me at all, at that instant, i only felt like telling them that this is only because there is something else that feels ten times even more painful than this is.

what's my feeling now? honestly? i can take any pain, however sharp, harsh and excruciating it may be, and however things may be thrown to me, even if it's at work and encountering weird demands and barbarians charging at me, i believe in my willpower that i will be able to take that.

thank God for G and J at this moment, J herself is going through something, G himself going through another phase of his life.but thank God for these souls placed in my life at this moment.

G said something that shook me tonight, "maybe that was his role in your life all along - to teach you what endurance and pain really is" how subtle a sentence but yet held such a deep and profound meaning.

i asked myself just why is it sometimes so hard to love someone without getting hurt, why is it so hard to move on even when you have chosen to let go and why is it that we have to always do something that is always the opposite of our decision. giving up so much to love, ignoring the right things that was advised to me, i told myself, so what even if there's someone else in this picture and everything falls off shaped, it didn't matter to me as long as he's the one i wanted to devote to. but overtime did i realised what serene told me was realistically so simple and true, why do you do such injustice to yourself and place yourself at such a losing and defeating end.

i am at such a place where there is no filter and where everything is just pitch dark, i can't see in the dark physically, but what's worse it not being able to see in emotions and in the mental state of your heart and mind.

i'm tired hanging in there even i know for the very fact that my heart will always have a space and a spot for him till the day everything else numbs and someone else comes along. after so many posts over the months, i'm finally breathing out the words that the chasing has come to a halt and i am finally letting go now.

i have been in the fire for far too long, i sat in there not doing anything to save myself but always considering about the other factors - him, more than myself even though the fire just keeps burning stronger, but right at this moment, i plead with my feet to get up and walk towards the door and get out of the fire while i still can.

yes, i encountered several instances where honestly, when i look into the mirror and look at myself, i can't identify with the opposite soul. i feel such a huge trump of fear looking at myself because i know this isn't des that i know.

that's what it feels like when you fall from great heights. that's what it feels like when your heart grows back, that's what it feels like when you don't want to feel. but this, this is just me and the fear of floating away.

the silence goes for miles...

i am not lost, i am just groping in the dark for now, i'll find my way eventually and someday i will be able to tell myself that i am no longer broken about the things i have forgotten and that today he has become a yesterday when he was once a tomorrow. all i need now is a hiatus mode, a secluded life in the coming days and some quiet time which could explain the disappearance on these sites.

to eva, J and G, i will always remember you guys being there all the time when i needed you. things happened between us, but i trust that perhaps this is the very period of time that perhaps God wants me to settle down and forget about all the high hopes, eva, i've not given up on this friendship, i've not forgotten how optimistically you always tell me to hang in there if i felt that it was worth it, i longed for a hug from you to tell you my heart aches so much, but i've chosen the last choice i ever had which is to let go. and J, for constantly reminding me the lyrics of the song i always shared with you "anyone can feel the ache/ you think it's more than you can take/ but you're stronger/ stronger than you know/ don't you give up now/ the sun will soon be shining/ you gotta face the clouds/ to find the silver lining" this was a song meant for the hearts of both of us, it hasn't always been just about you or how you've fallen, as much as i know how much you're going through, i will not forget you, don't worry about me, i've promised that i won't return back to who i used to be three years ago. finally G, among the ten, i never knew you would have been the one that could be so concern about me, spending an entire afternoon just comforting and making sure that i am going to be okay, even though you know it might take a period of time, you still believe nonetheless that i will be fine.

a fight doesn't always end when you've been knocked down. sometimes, they will make giving up feel just like going to sleep. done enough, rest is all i need now, there's no need to carry on. i'm not in bed, i'm on the streets. and it's about time i wake up and fight now.

tonight the threads didn't hurt on my face more than the pricks in my heart.

“Life shows us all colours, some bright and some shades of grey, Some accept with a smile, while some frown in every way Thoughts and memories never end but life does one day. Whole age passes by in wait of that old time to return, But those old days once gone, will never come back again, Rather we can just cherish them in the memories that burn, In the back of our mind and make us remember, How we used to be so crazy, In those old days…”

I used to be like, oh you know, you're different from the rest and that's why you always hold such a distinctively special place in my heart. But truth is, you are like the rest, aren't you? Makes you no different from everyone else. Days that i've learnt to keep loving, sometimes in the hardest and most impossible ways, and kept this going even though it breaks and I knew for sure, there were many times odds were up against me and certainly wasn't in my favor. What does it exactly take now to still keep this going, sometimes it feels that part of my being is simply teaching me (sometimes in the most difficult way) how to first love and protect myself and to put a closure on all these "everyone before yourself" theory

"Friendship isn’t shown when someone does what you want them to do, it’s when they defend and help you without you having to asking them to."

i thank god for the ones i've found. :')

an even more optimistic and on a happier note; it has been pretty much a long time ever since.. (space) been summing up most of my weeks with mom, my very much needed source of comfort and support, she's my mommy and a best friend, my listening ear that hears my every rant for four hours straight, my smiley momma that can hear me go on and on talking silly about love and watch my eyes tear just at the mention of my heartbreaking moments. I thank God for her all the time. For cheering me on and giving me a back to count on. her favorite line to me ever was, "you're always smiling ear to ear talking about this" yes, I told her about the very first boy I fell in love with since school started, the one that took care of me during the quietest of times, nags at me to see a doctor whenever I'm ill, digs out every possible problem inside of me just to find out if I'm okay. a good impression she had of him, but tonight I finally brought it across to her that he has since belonged somewhere else a long time ago. I told her that he'd always be a keeper and closely remembered as the first guy in school her daughter ever loved and fell for and though things didn't work out, It has never been a regret. mom has always been a very positive and bubbly woman standing in my heart, something she told me tonight was, "whatever it takes while you're young, just go for it." encourages me so much to know the kind of support she renders to me all the time, without fail, even when it comes to the silliest affairs of love. Thank you, mom for the mommy side of you and the best friend side of you, eva though we are both caught up with different routes of life, whenever i come to the end of myself, you're always at the end waiting for me, and jel, for always sheltering me with your unconditional love and protection in and out of school September comes in a day, and hopefully by the end of it, I will be stronger than this.

my biggest fear right now could only be what’s ahead of me, the fear of the possibility of myself sinking back to who I was years ago, the fear of my health being not at its’ best. god, this has taken such a huge toll on me and it feels that this route could only get longer, even more tiring and heartbreaking than i would ever expect. when you’ve done so much, it’s right round about time for you to do something for yourself. i wished that for once, i could at least spare a thought for my own mental being. i can’t even breathe the words out of myself now to believe that i’ll be fine.

I guess if I was simple in the mind, everything would've been fine

some days i really wished i could faced this bravely or if it comforts a little for you to have been around for me through all these. it’s not easy at all, but I hope I’m getting somewhere.

when J asked me this afternoon if i was avoiding you, i could only tell her that “I’m trying”. on the surface where it seemed like i probably am, internally, it became a daily struggle overtime.

i miss you, i miss your hugs that secretly held my tears back all the time and they were seemingly my only source of strength and comfort. with you, i knew somehow things were just gonna be fine.

things change, and there’s nothing left to fight for because realistically you have long belonged somewhere else.

after all, all that i’m left with is just myself. desperately, i wanna say to so many that i am honestly doing fine, and i am not a least bit tired at all. but tonight, or rather many nights it has been, i’m just really drained and tired inside out.

still, i gotta keep myself going and always bearing in mind that everything became only a history to remember. at least for me.

my chapter has long been over.

It’s much more interesting to try and understand what binds two people together. Why we stay with each other is much more of a mystery than why we don’t.

God, help me get out of this

it sucks to know that maybe something could be wrong, and having those really shag and ugly days where you can’t be strong in the eyes of so many.

but the last thing i ever want is for anyone to worry, and most importantly, you, to care or worry about my life in a single bit. ever since i knew that things got different between us, i knew somehow it was over and nothing was ever going to be the same again. sometimes it does hurt to know how things happened so quickly and on the other hand, rode us by so quickly and changed within a snap.

letting things go has not been an option for me, but a decision and overtime, it became something i had to do simply for the reason that they are weighing heavily on me and it tied so much weights to my ankle.

lots of things can be fixed. things can be fixed. but many times, relationships can’t be fixed because they should not be fixed. you’re aboard a ship setting sail, and the other person has joined the inland circus, or is boarding a different ship, and you just can’t be with each other anymore. because you shouldn’t be.

and perhaps there is a limit to the hurt that the human heart can do. they say that as when one adds salt to a tumbler of water, there comes a point where simply no more will be absorbed.

It’s time to turn the page and i am quite ready to embark a new fresh chapter of my life forgetting everything about us.

i’ve only chosen to let go only because you’ve long let go and i know holding back won’t make either of us happy and free to really move on.

you told me that if you hadn’t care about me, i’d harp on the fact that you don’t really care after all, but from now, you can start seeing me from a friend’s point of view and never hear that statement from now on.

you’ll be a lot happier and just be genuinely happy wherever you may be.

done for the day

it’s coming back again, i don’t know what exactly but i need to be back in my usual state where i was 100% fit and fine. yes I am scared that it could be something else ever since the frequent sharp pain acted up. yet the irregularity of meals and appetite isn’t helping.

sometimes I do feel as though I’m playing with my health, taking my persistence and head-front to a whole new level. besides school, exams and project, besides how things and people around are literally draining and weighing every bit of my life down, I can’t fathom how tiring this has gotten. Mentally. It is a constant struggle with myself each day.

but in all faith, i’m pretty sure i’d be fine just like how mom always remain so composed by comforting herself (and myself, sometimes) knowing that I’ll be okay.

The silence between us talks itself, you’d think that it would be peaceful, but truth is it’s painful. Such silence has an actual sound - the sound of disappearance.

In this, was it wrong that the decision I've made could have possibly hindered my happiness. Genuine ones. Whatever happened to the person I was back then before everything started. I chose to look away from the opinions everyone gave, I chose to believe the heart more than anything else because it was all that matters. I chose to believe this could be worth it. I chose to hold on to you even in the roughest of times i had to go through. But along with time, can I be honest with myself that I am so drained inside out, I feel as if my energy has been sucked out from every part of me, I'm suppressed on so many sides. I explode in my emotions when I can't hold it in for too long, when there's too much for me to take in, when everything starts getting so overwhelming for me to handle. Life never seemed more tough than this - to able to love and be loved back, without a shared relationship. Sometimes all i need is the simplicity between life and love. I wished that i could simply tell you that all I need is just you being by my side but that alone seemed so difficult, sometimes to an extend that I don't know how long we can go on. Sometimes in order to be happy in the present moment you have to be willing to give up all hope for a better past. But I wasn't all about giving up all hope. Why can't things between us be simple? Is it wrong to just be happy with you, to forget everything even if I know the truth of the reality that perhaps, I'm just only a spare tyre or possibly a substitute at the very end.

grandma, grandpa

An unexpected and (much needed) surprise i could ever have on one of the most exhaustive sunday i ever had to go through. the first voice i heard sounded so familiar - grandma. i'll never forget how that instant, grandma called for me and just looking at my two dearest folks warm the coldness on the inside of me. This is how much warmth that only they could bring to me. It's been weeks, i finally got to see them but each time, i was always at my lowest, i could only cease that moment of ten minutes sitting by grandma and interlocking onto her arms.

i love them the most and the dearest, it is that sort of love and comfort that is unfathomable. Over the years, i learned how to cherish the presence of my grandparents with much love and appreciation from the littlest thing they have done for me to the greatest, and unmeasurable amount of love they have showered on me.

Thank you for surprising me tonight after a seemingly rough weekend that i had, thank you for telling me that you miss me cos it just shows that you did not forget me, thank you for understanding when i don't show up during the usual family gatherings on some weekends. Thank you for silently keeping me going with all your effortless love and care towards me.

Someday i know that even if there comes a moment of time where i would shut myself against anyone, i would go home to where they are.

Thank you for loving me

No one ever talks about how much effort we put into forgetting. I am exhausted from the effort to forget. Trying to forget really doesn't work. In fact, it's pretty much the same as remembering. But I tried to forget anyway, and to ignore the fact that I was remembering you all the time. They say that there are things that have to be forgotten if you want to go on. But what if I can never go on because the first step of forgetting is the hardest

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time hangs heavy on hands