Summary:
Tim's death breaks Hawk's heart in more ways than one.
-
From the news of Tim's death to Hawks fate years later.
AO3 LINK
"Oh, where oh where can my lover be?
The Lord took him away from me
He's gone to heaven, so I got to be good
So I can see him when I leave this world."
It's early in the morning when Hawk gets the call. He almost slept through his phone ringing but managed to get out of bed and pick it up on its last ring. He knows what it is as soon as he lets out a hello and hears the heartbreaking silence on the other line. The caller says his name in a mix of grief and exhaustion.
Though he's been expecting the day ever since he left Tim, for what would be the last time, he's still shocked when Marcus tells him.
Tim died earlier that morning at 3am.
Hawk manages to hold back his tears temporarily as he tries to say something back.
"Was he-" Hawk starts. He can feel the tears fighting him. He clears his throat. "Was he alone?"
It's his first question and the only important one for him right now. He knows Tim didn't want him there to give them both peace but to die alone is so lonely Hawk can't bear the fact that Tim might've.
Marcus pauses. Hawk hopes it isn't to think of a lie for him. "No," Marcus hesitates. He clears his throat. "I had stepped out." The hesitation was Marcus' own guilt. "But Frankie didn't leave his side."
Hawk feels a small smile grow on his face. He still wishes it was him despite Tim's wishes, but it comforts him Frankie was there.
"He wasn't present much... Tim I mean. In the last few days. Sleeping a lot and when he was awake, he wasn't really-"
"Yeah." Hawk cuts him off. He knows Marcus is trying to make it easier in a way. Hawk didn't miss any quality last few days with Tim. Tim wasn't calling out to him wondering where he was or saying how unfair it all was in his last moments. He was just ...sleeping. He knows Marcus tells him this as a comfort, but Hawk doesn't want those details. He's sure Tim wanted him to remember him how he was, so that's what he'll do.
"Family is figuring out the funeral details, when I get notice do you want-
"Yes," Hawk's voice comes out choked up. He needs to get off the phone quickly. "Please."
Marcus senses Hawks need to hang up or maybe it's his experience calling and receiving similar calls from too many friends with the same news that makes him understand.
"I'll keep you updated," he says before he hangs up the phone.
Hawk lets the phone fall from his hand. He catches the cord before it falls to the ground and quietly puts it back on the receiver. At first, he sits there and stares off into the space not knowing what to do, what to think, how to feel. He's not sure how long he sits on the edge of his bed before his heart and brain connects and he realizes exactly what he lost, what the world lost, with the death of Timothy David Laughlin.
-
He sets enough time aside to go to the funeral though he has the freedom now to go wherever he wanted. He's alone now. He doesn't have Lucy asking where he's going or when he'll return. It's a freedom he never thought he'd get again but he got it back too late. There was no reason for him to escape with a sloppy excuse anymore and he no longer felt the desire. Even though he hadn't seen Tim in almost a decade the idea of him being out in the world made Hawk seek out men for a little bit of fun so he could pretend at least for a little while or bury the anguish of not being with Tim into another man. But now he felt nothing. Knowing Tim was gone everything just felt so joyless. Not even a quick hookup would satisfy that.
Though it was his own volition he never thought they would end up like this. Tim found his freedom that Hawk only dreamed of having but he never got to have the family Hawk has with kids and grandkids. Both lost out on a lot but mostly lost out on being with each other. If he was being honest, with his reckless behavior, Hawk always thought he'd be the first to go. But maybe this is one last thing he can do for Tim. He can be the one to suffer in this world without the other.
At the funeral Hawk keeps to the back, allowing the ones he mentally deemed worthy enough to be closer to Tim. He notices Tim's sister with what he assumes is other members of Tim's family and ducks his head to not be noticed. He recognizes the back of Marcus' head with Frankie besides him but doesn't feel like he deserves to sit with them either, so he sticks to the back, kept like a dark secret of Tim's past. As he hears everyone give their speeches, how they knew Tim, how they loved Tim, he feels so much devastation for many different reasons. Devastation for Tim being gone, for this life they could've had, for the people he's left behind but also devastation of this disease. How many it's taken but how much people don't care because of who most of the victims are. Men who just wanted to love other men.
With this sadness though, as he hears everyone's story, he feels such an odd feeling of joy on how Tim touched their lives in one way or another (and how so many more he touched that unfortunately passed before him). He hears about the freedom Tim had, the things he stood up for, the love he shared. Hawk almost laughs when he thinks about the Tim he first met and telling him how he would grow up to be. Would the Tim of that time believe him?
The poet even gets up to say a few words and read a poem. Hawk isn't positive if it's the same one Tim dated. Tim could've just been acquainted with more than one. Hawk doesn't laugh this time.
He finds Marcus after the service and he must've looked like hell because Marcus uttered no words, just pulled Hawk in for an embrace. Hawk didn't realize how much he was holding in until he relaxes in Marcus' arms. As he pulls away, he looks at Marcus, Frankie, and others who are strangers to him but who in a way took his place as a companion for Tim, platonic and otherwise. He shouldn't be jealous. He couldn't have Tim all to himself. How cruel would it have been to make him wait decades at a time for a night or two?
Hawk declines the offer to meet back up at Marcus and Frankie's where they're having everyone back for finger foods. It'd be too painful to go back to one of the last places he saw Tim before the hospital. He also thinks it'd hurt too much to introduce himself as "how he knew Tim" to anyone that asked, and if his reputation got past Tim's sister the response probably wouldn't be the best anyways. He hates funerals. Everyone cries at the service then is supposed to act okay gathering together after. Hawk couldn't do it. So once again he flies home alone to an empty house where he gives himself the freedom to break down again in private.
Years later Hawks heart finally gives out. He doesn't know what to narrow it down to. Could be the things he put in his body in the 70's or the thousands of cigarettes he smoked in his youth (to which he picked back up again in his older age). That paired with his father's history of heart disease it's not really a mystery why it no longer wanted to work like it should.
Or maybe his heart was too broken. Not only from Tim's death but from all the wasted years they had, what they could've had. Even when Tim was still alive, he felt such a pain in his chest whenever he thought about it. After Tim's death it only felt worse.
He knows he'll be missed when he goes. He's not quite suicidal as he once was to believe he wouldn't be, but he can’t stop thinking about how much of a relief it will be. After all the pain and heartbreak, he'll finally just be...gone. He'll leave this world to suffer no more.
If Tim was right about God and the afterlife Hawk hopes to see him there. He hopes their souls can live together in the peace they never got on earth. Or maybe they'll be reborn and can start again. No one really knows, do they? That's what makes it all so terrifying but, in a way, at least to Hawk, thrilling.
When he got the news about his health, he first told Kimberly. She had offered to tell her mother for him, but he decided he should be the one. He told Lucy privately at a small restaurant neither had been to sometime after the lunch rush but before the dinner one. She sighed almost as if she expected the news, maybe she had seen the decline on their past few visits. She reached for his hand and held it. "I'm sorry, Hawk." She said. Hawk just gave a small smile and nodded. They sat there in silence the rest of the time.
Kimberly doesn't want to tell the grandkids. She doesn't want them visiting with that knowledge that their grandpa is dying. Hawk thinks the kids are lied to enough with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, but he supposes their mother will win the argument in the end.
In his last days, Hawk swears he can see Tim. In his last moments he can even hear his voice, calling out to him in that soft comforting way he used to. Tim was always comforting Hawk even when Tim was dying. Now Hawk is here dying and somehow Tim is still easing his worry. As he hears Tim call out to him one last time and he feels a hand gently in his hair. He closes his eyes and takes a breath. He begs God that whatever sins he committed to please be forgiven so he can find the man he loves in the afterlife or in the next life, whichever is the way this whole death thing works.
If two souls can really live on an invisible string that forever connects them he knows in his heart he and Tim would be those. He just hopes if there is a next life it treats them better and maybe that invisible string can be a little shorter.
Hawk take one last breath in as a feeling of peace washes over him. He's gone in the next moment, only alive in his loved one's memories.
"I'll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through
I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day
In everything that's light and gay
I'll always think of you that way
I'll find you in the morning sun
And when the night is new
I'll be looking at the moon
But I'll be seeing you"
Summary: Tim wakes up in a room he doesn't recognize but there is a comforting presence with the name of Hawkins Fuller.
AKA Where Hawk stays with Tim a little longer
AO3 LINK
"You and I both have to hide on the outside
Where I can't be yours
And you can't be mine."
-
Tim opens his eyes slowly. He tries to get his eyes to adjust but light is barely making it into the room he’s in. He assesses the shadows and realizes it must be near sunrise. He doesn’t know where he is or what led him to be in this room that’s not his own. He does, however, remember one thing-
“Hawk?” Tim lets out, surprising himself with how hoarse his voice sounds. He hears rustling near him though not beside him. Strange, he thinks.
“Yeah?” He hears a whisper, confirming what he knew. He smiles at the idea of Hawk sleeping with him, ignoring why he’s not cuddled around him. He can hear Hawk moving to sit up.
While he waits for Hawk to wake up, he looks around the room again, the light changing by the minute. What should’ve given him clarity now only makes him more confused.
“Hawk?” Tim calls out again, a little more urgently.
This time he feels a hand on his back, comforting.
“I’m here,” Hawk says back. Tim listens to Hawks footsteps as he makes his way around the side of the bed where Tim is facing.
Tim is still trying to make sense about where they are. He stares at the rows of IVs when Hawk steps into his peripheral.
“Hawk, is someone sick?” Tim asks, innocently. He can feel the energy shift in the room. Hawk grips Tim’s leg tighter as he continues to make his way closer.
“Yeah, Skippy.” Hawk whispers. His hand is on Tim’s upper arm now, gently rubbing circles.
As Tim looks at the IV closest to him and considers the way Hawk is acting, realization dawns on him.
“Am- am I…?”
Though dusk coming through casts shadows on Hawk’s face, making it so that Tim still can’t quite see the fine definitions of his features, he can still see Hawk’s lips form a tight smile. He has his answer before Hawk even says his next sentence.
"Yes," Hawk says. He leans down and kisses the top of Tim's head. "But it's okay."
Hawk was surprised when Tim woke him. He’s used to be the one to wake Tim from slumber way back when they were young, when he feared being caught. God, how times have changed.
Tim wasn’t calling out in pain which gave Hawk some ease. It’s also why he didn’t jump from his cot on the floor to see what it was Tim needed.
When Tim calls out again a minute or so later with a certain uneasiness Hawk gets up quicker. Maybe Tim thought he left again (an unfortunate thing for Tim to fear). But Hawk isn’t leaving, not this time. He puts his hand on Tim’s back and lets him know he’s there.
Tim’s next question worries Hawk a little, but he answers with the gentleness he would if his grandkids would’ve asked the same. His mind lets Tim’s confusion go with the idea that it’s just sleep that’s making him that way not-
“...And maybe the dementia is setting in, but I think Hawkins Fuller is standing in my apartment….”
God, Hawk thinks. Not that.
He thinks about how Tim had said the other day he woke up and didn’t know where he was. He swallows hard at that idea and once again goes back to morning grogginess. He moves to lay down by Tim on the bed and he gets his answer.
Tim gives him a worried look as Hawk moves to lay on Tim's bed.
“Wait,” Tim says. Hawk freezes for a moment.
“What is it?” Hawk asks. He grabs Tim’s lose hand that hangs off the bed. He can feel Tim’s pulse quicken under his grip.
“Aren’t you scared?” Tim asks.
“Of what?”
Tim tries to look around but the position he's in won't let him move much. But even if Hawk was sure they were alone it still seems too risky.
“That someone will see,” Tim answers.
Hawk’s heart breaks a little. In the past this would've been a huge risk that neither would do in public without fear of being arrested or worse. But at least now he can comfort Tim with assurance that they are safe, at least in this space.
Hawk smiles at him again. “No,” he says as he moves on the bed. Tim lets him though Hawk knows he’s still confused at the public affection. “No,” he repeats as his arms intertwine with Tim’s, holding closer to him.
Tim sighs against his chest and his body relaxes. Hawk isn’t sure if he’s comforting present Tim or Tim from the past but he’s content either way.
Hawk lays there for a while, just listening to Tim's breaths in and out. He's about to drift off to sleep as well until he hears Tim call him once again.
"Hm?" Hawk answers back.
He feels Tim lift his chin up to look up into Hawks deep blue eyes. Age has changed them a little, notably contrasting with the dark circles that are now permanently etched on his face, but they still shine so bright, especially when he looks at Tim.
Hawk moves slightly away to get a better look at Tim, patiently waiting for him to ask his question and hoping it's not another one that will scare him. The sun has risen more now illuminating the room in a soft yellow. Tim looks at him clearly, without confusion but Hawk can sense Tim's hesitation.
"What is it?" Hawk asks.
"Do you think," Tim starts. "In another life, if we were born a little later," Tim stops again to take another breath or to prepare himself for the answer Hawk may give. "Do you think we would've worked out? We would’ve been happy?"
Hawk pauses on his answer. Not because he is unsure but because it is something he's daydreamed about constantly in the lifetime they've known each other. He thinks not only what their life would be, but how the people born this very moment and what freedom they might have in their future. Freedom people like him and Tim only dreamed of having.
"Yes," Hawk says. He squeezes Tim tighter and kisses his forehead. "I do."
Tim, satisfied with Hawk’s answer, smiles up at him and nuzzles his head back into Hawks chest. Hawk kisses his head and holds him tight. He watches the sun slowly come into the room touching every crevice till the full room is lit. He thinks about the life he could've had with Tim, they life they should've had together.
In another universe Hawk is grabbing two mugs of coffee from the kitchen and walking outside. He meets his husband in their garden and sits with him there. Silently and in peace, they watch the sun wake up the surrounding neighborhood around them.
You'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling
You'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling
You'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling
"I remember all of them" @sleepyfaceandsnark - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
