fragments of maps

i'm a wanderer who doesn't like change, how ironic. i'm still figuring things out in life. i find myself to be unnaturally human. writings | VSCO grid | flickr | spotify

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by martina mariotti

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i had a panic attack at work today. luckily i calmed down not long after (thanks to my best mate, who i called). but it's safe to say my mental health isn't doing well right now.

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i got triggered by something so trivial tonight. something that never triggered me before. then everything zoomed out and i felt so far removed. i can’t get back to aligning myself with this reality. i really hate how often i feel like life is losing focus these days.

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things haven't been great.

i am having a really hard time. i can’t keep up with anything. i don’t know what i like anymore. i don't do anything i thought i enjoyed. i feel like i don't even know who i am. my brain keeps ruminating, thinking, losing itself. i am panicking over nothing. it is hard to breath. i am scared of everything. i can’t get out of this headspace. i am suffocating in it. i want to wake up tomorrow and not think about all this. but i don’t even know how i will get to sleep with my mind racing right now. i want a break from my head, but that’s not possible.

update: over two hours later and i can’t sleep it’ll probably be light out before i ever get some rest.

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i'm too depressed to enjoy my favourite season.

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everything is terrible. i am the worst. my brain is spiralling. it all hurts. i don’t know what to do. i can’t keep up in this headspace of mine. i will never be good enough for anyone. i am stuck in my mind and can’t see a way out.

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i have returned from work in south africa, sick with a cold and feeling so dissociated from the trip. it was everything i wanted it to be. i just wish it didn’t feel like such a far away memory after just getting back.

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i'm leaving in a few days to work in south africa for the next month and a half. i haven't been back in ten years, when i was working on this same project. i work in admin and media for teachers across borders - southern africa (tabsa). i get some time in vancouver, bc and switzerland before heading to the southern hemisphere. south africa is home to me. my father grew up there. i am ready to do something else for a bit, get my mind to be elsewhere.

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i am terrified.

i tried a food i've never tried, despite the fact that my best mate reassured me over and over that it was safe and just like a few other foods i've eaten. i even did my own research and knew logically it would be okay. but in the lead up to eating the food, i was in panic mode. i hate that my brain is running away at full speed. i. just need to breathe, because it will be okay even if my head says otherwise.

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by stefie

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clean: ten years.

i haven’t written on here in quite a bit. at least not in long form. i haven’t been in a great headspace in a while. my depression and anxiety have been getting to me more than i’d like to admit. i’ve been overly obsessing about things and certain compulsions i do have gone into overdrive. i am not pleased with this state i am in but i am stuck. i know some of it is my own doing. i am just living in this existence wondering where the time has gone.

but in speaking of time, as long as i make it through today (which i will), then tomorrow is my ten year anniversary clean of cutting. that is a massive one. an entire decade has passed. it doesn’t mean i haven’t self-harmed since, just that i haven’t done that in ten years. it is so weird to think about. i was sure i would’ve relapsed many times in the years past. i know if someone knew how i still sometimes self-harmed they would think i didn’t make it ten years, but in how i see cutting itself, i have not resorted to that at all.

i don’t know how i feel about all this. i assumed i should feel relieved. i thought i was supposed to be celebratory about this, as if it is some accomplisment. which, don’t get me wrong, i understand it is an achivement. that is not an understatement, as ten years is a long time. but with my mental health the way it’s been, i don’t feel much more than weird about this entire thing. but i figured that i should say something because i am still trying to survive in this life and get through it the best i can.

sorry my presence on here has declined massively over the years. i just don’t have it in me as much anymore. but i am popping in every now and then to check in, to say that i am still existing, moving forward. i hope you’re all well or at least trying to be.

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everything hurts all the time.

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existing is hard.

this is hard at the moment. i can't help but ruminate over every single thing. one thing i do now reminds me of something i did in the past and then my head starts spiralling. it all leads to my head just knowing how bad of a person i am. and i just know everyone else sees it too but won't say it to my face. it'd be easier if they'd all tell me the truth about how horrible i am. it's hard enough ruining my own life and knowing about it.

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by anna-elina lahti