Be Excellent & Party On

Just call me Daní/Dante See pinned post for more info

[slickbackdani]

An Introduction To My Blog

Thanks for visiting my page! Here’s a few things you should know about me.

Name: Dan/Daní/Dante

They/them

Autistic

Bisexual

Raised Catholic but currently a Deist (look it up)

New Englander (mixed Italian/Irish heritage)

Leftist; supporter of social democracy; Bachelors Degree in Political Science

Interests include: cartoons; anime; video games; sci-fi, fantasy, horror, comedy, and superhero fiction; rap, rock, and pop music

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Michael After Midnight: Bond Theme Songs Ranked

It hasn’t come up in a very long time, but I love the James Bond franchise. From Connery to Lazenby to Moore to Dalton to Brosnan to Craig, I’ve loved each and every take on the character and think each actor delivered at least one perfect film in their tenures as 007 (Goldfinger, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, The Spy Who Loved Me, The Living Daylights, GoldenEye, and Skyfall in case you were wondering). But I’m not here to talk about the movies, oh no, that would be far too easy. I’m here to talk about one of the most iconic attributes of the Bond franchise: The theme songs.

Besides the iconic instrumental theme, every Bond film from From Russia With Love onward has featured an original song for the opening credits that helps set the mood and get you ready for some action, espionage, and wild sexual encounters. It’s a tried and true tradition that has inspired so many parodies and homages, from Weird Al’s theme to the spy film spoof Spy Hard to the credits of Deadpool 2 being set to Celine Dion’s “Ashes,” not to mention the time a video game all about tactical espionage action had the greatest Bond song ever. It’s just cool and fun, and it has produced plenty of bangers… and a handful of stinkers.

Here is how I’d personally rank the 24 canonical Bond themes (and one unofficial one); there are plenty of other themes that were either rejected or unmade, but since most of them are just really not good I’m going to ignore them. Trust me, if they’re worth mentioning, I’ll mention them. I’m also going to try and keep my thoughts pretty brief because frankly I’d rather you listen to the songs than hear me yap about them... and also for a lot of the better songs I have very little to say.

25. “For Your Eyes Only” – Sheena Easton

For Your Eyes Only

So. This must seem an odd choice for the very bottom of the list. I mean, really, I ranked the Jack White crap above it? That fucking Madonna song? How is this more offensive than those? Well, here’s the thing: They went with this over a song by Blondie. Here’s Blondie’s song. Now, let me reiterate that for you—THEY CHOSE THIS FUCKING EASY LISTENING DOG SHIT OVER GODDAMN BLONDIE! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! Being a bad Bond theme is one thing, but when we were this close to greatness only to have it snatched away from us for a tepid ballad is fucking infuriating! Thank goodness they never did something stupid like that again, am I right?

24. “The Man with the Golden Gun” – Lulu

The Man with the Golden Gun

THEY FUCKING DID IT AGAIN AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

This one scrapes by ever so slightly by having “so bad it’s good” charm but holy guacamole is it a fumble for the ages to go with this Temu Shirley Bassey schlock over goddamn Alice Cooper.

23. “Another Way to Die” – Jack White & Alicia Keys

Quantum of Solace

It’s genuinely baffling how awful this song is. Keys and White are both incredibly talented people, so you’d think them teaming up would lead to something epic, but unfortunately the end result is just as sloppy, rushed, and incoherent as the film it kicks off. It’s so discordant and obnoxious right from the opening, and the feeling never lets up; the song jerks back and forth and ends up all over the place, once again reflecting the shitshow that is Quantum of Solace. I think for that reason I almost pity this; the Writer’s Strike nature of the film’s script poisoned every aspect, including the song, which is just a reflection of the unpolished mess we were left with. If nothing else, it’s bad in interesting ways and going with these two is far less of an insane fumble than ditching Blondie and Alice Cooper. I guess what I'm trying to say is objectively speaking this is the absolute worst Bond theme song, but it doesn't make me as angry as the last two; it's like how I absolutely loathe "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder to a comical degree when objectively speaking BOTDF's "You Dun Goofed" is the worst song I have ever had the misfortune of hearing.

22 & 21. “Writing’s On the Wall” – Sam Smith/“No Time to Die” – Billie Eilish

No Time to Die/Spectre

I’m grouping these two together because honestly, they have the same exact issue: They are both incredibly dull. Nothing about these songs screams “Bond theme,” and they kind of just plod along for their duration. Eilish I’ll give credit to at least building to something, even if it’s pretty underwhelming; Smith kind of just chugs along and then fizzles out. I’d almost rather have the Radiohead song that was rejected from Spectre even if it’s only marginally more interesting. It’s really weird how Bond themes just seem to have lost all their sauce post-Adele. Does no one even want to try and top the towering achievement of “Skyfall?” Are they afraid? I’d rather them shoot for the moon and miss than keep kicking rocks along the sidewalk like this.

20. “Moonraker” – Shirley Bassey

Moonraker

Bassey gets a lot of points for being the one Bond theme singer to have multiple songs under her belt and for recording the theme song that pretty much codifies what a Bond theme should sound like, but this ain’t that song. This one is honestly pretty dull, a shockingly low-energy theme for a movie that concludes with an outer space laser battle.

19. “Die Another Day” – Madonna

Die Another Day

This has long been derided as one of, if not the worst Bond themes ever. And, yeah, it’s a pretty sloppy and stupid song… but it’s charmingly sloppy and stupid. Madonna has never been one to half-ass her music, oh no; she always puts her whole ass in, whether it’s needed or not. This is Madonna’s version of “Temporary Secretary,” only moderately less enjoyable yet only slightly less insane.

18. “Tomorrow Never Dies” – Sheryl Crow

Tomorrow Never Dies

Kind of weird how the second best Brosnan Bond outing has the least interesting theme song of the bunch. Like, yeah. It’s perfectly serviceable. It’s not really memorable or epic, but it’s fine. Look at the entries above this if you wanna see what a bad Bond theme really is.

17. “Diamonds Are Forever” – Shirley Bassey

Diamonds Are Forever

One of the very few nice things I can say about Diamonds Are Forever is that its titular theme song is actually alright. It’s a nice throwback to Bassey’s “Goldfinger” while not feeling like a complete retread or like she’s going through the motions for a paycheck, unlike a certain someone I could mention (cough Sean Connery cough). I certainly don’t love it, but I don’t hate it either.

16. “From Russia with Love” – Matt Munro

From Russia With Love

It’s kind of awesome how two films in they nailed exactly how a Bond theme should sound. This is the first Bond theme song to follow the formula every other song here would follow, and while I’d be lying if I said this was one of my favorites it’s still worth respecting as the Ur-example.

15. "Never Say Never Again" - Lani Hall

Never Say Never Again

While the film itself is contested due to the legal nonsense behind its existence and the fact it's not part of the canonical filmography, it's undeniable they managed to make a killer theme song. Hall's got a great voice, one that easily propels her over other, similar themes to the upper half of the list.

14. “License to Kill” – Gladys Knight

License to Kill

Dalton’s Bond movies are criminally underrated, so this is definitely one of the Bond themes that is probably pretty overlooked. It’s a shame because this is a really great song, beautiful with an undercurrent of darkness and danger.

13. “We Have All the Time in the World” – Louis Armstrong

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

There is a palpable melancholy to this one, and for good reason—this was likely Armstrong’s last ever recording before his death, and he was specifically chosen because his age and poor health would allow him to deliver the title line with a poignant irony. Considering the incredible downer ending to the film this belongs to, it’s a pretty fitting track.

12. “All Time High” – Rita Coolidge

Octopussy

Maybe I just wasn’t in the right head space when I first heard this, or maybe it’s because it’s the theme tune to one of Bond’s most forgettable adventures, but I was not big on this one back in the day. Times have definitely changed, considering how high up it is, and we owe a great debt of gratitude to one man for that: Mark Wahlberg. Yes, Marky Mark himself butchering this tune in the film Ted as he tried to serenade Mila Kunis really won me over on this tune. Go figure.

11. “The World is Not Enough” – Garbage

The World is Not Enough

Crazy how Brosnan’s most forgettable Bond film has such a killer title track. It feels so big and epic, with Shirley Manson’s voice owning a track that blends Garbage’s alt rock electronica with classic Bond theme trappings.

10. “The Living Daylights” – A-ha

The Living Daylights

Probably one of the most underrated Bond themes for one of the most underrated Bond films, Dalton made his debut alongside a track from the beloved one-hit wonders responsible for one of history’s greatest music videos. I don’t think it quite recaptures the lightning in a bottle they had with “Take On Me,” but it would be a worthy song in just about anyone’s discography.

9. “Thunderball” – Tom Jones

Thunderball

It’s not unusual for Tom Jones to deliver, but boy does he really go all out for this one. You can’t do better than dropping unconscious after pulling off a final high not like he allegedly did! It really brings the whole thing together in a way the rejected Shirley Bassey, Dionne Warwick, and Johnny Cash (yes, that Johnny Cash) themes don’t.

8. “GoldenEye” – Tina Turner

GoldenEye

Brosnan’s best outing needed a song this good to kick it off. While Ace of Base’s attempt was good, I think it’s better they reworked their rejected theme into “The Juvenile” so that we could get Tina Turner belting out the title in the chorus of this classic Bond theme filtered through 90s sensibilities.

7. “A View to a Kill” – Duran Duran

A View to a Kill

A cheesy adventure for Moore to go out on it may be, but it is undeniable that the theme song for it is a jam for the ages! Duran Duran really seem perfectly suited for making a theme song for an 80s spy thriller, and if you disagree you clearly are unaware that one of their later songs was co-opted as the unofficial Bond theme for a video game all about tactical espionage action.

6. “Goldfinger” – Shirley Bassey

Goldfinger

This is the Bond theme. It is everything one could possibly want from one—lyrics building up the threat, the instrumental with the heavy and dramatic horns, the spy thriller vibes… Much as the film it’s in is peak classic Bond, this is peak classic Bond theme. Bassey was never better than on her stunning debut, and it’s easy to see why they kept getting her to come back (even if they did reject her a few times).

5. “You Only Live Twice” – Nancy Sinatra

You Only Live Twice

Leave it to a Sinatra to drop a banger like this! While the film its in may be a bit contentious due to the weird yellowface aspect, there’s no denying that the title track is worthy of the onscreen debut of Blofeld. It’s even Bjork and Robbie Williams approved! What more needs be said?

4. “You Know My Name” – Chris Cornell

Casino Royale

The late, great Chris Cornell’s angsty rock star voice was the perfect way to usher in a new, darker age of James Bond, one grounded in the gritty realism that birthed the grunge movement of the 90s that Cornell was molded by.

3. “Live and Let Die” – Paul McCartney

Live and Let Die

Axl Rose and Weird Al both know that McCartney didn’t fuck around with this one. Roger Moore’s first outing as Bond needed something truly impressive to sell him after the departure of Sean Connery, especially since the movie itself is a farcical mishmash of blaxploitation tropes shoehorned into a spy thriller. Who else but a Beatle could deliver something so astoundingly epic that it makes you forget the movie you’re watching is kinda stupid and a tad racist?

2. “Skyfall” – Adele

Skyfall

Craig’s Bond films really have a bad track record if I’m being honest. Three of the worst and weakest themes ever… but hey, they got back-to-back bangers in the top 5! And “Skyfall” is truly a banger, an incredible and monumental song that perfectly sets the stage for one of Bond’s darkest and most emotional journeys ever. Adele really has a classical Bond woman sensibility to her singing, belting it out like the champ she is.

1. “Nobody Does It Better” – Carly Simon

The Spy Who Loved Me

The Spy Who Loved Me is Roger Moore’s finest outing as Bond, so it does make me happy they spared no expense to give an incredible theme tune worthy of being in the same film as Jaws on top of it. It is truly an unmatched triumph among Bond themes, a true masterpiece… Hell, the fact it’s titled “Nobody Does It Better” rather than name it after the movie almost feels like Simon calling her shot. I mean, she says it right in the title that she’s gonna be the #1 best Bond theme, and she’s correct. Nobody does it better indeed.

Well, unless I were to count…

0. “Snake Eater” – Cynthia Harrell

Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater

YEAH BABY DID YOU REALLY THINK I WASN’T GONNA TALK ABOUT THE GREATEST BOND THEME EVER THAT ISN’T A BOND THEME?

Hideo Kojima has always worn his love for cinema on his sleeve, and Snake Eater in particular feels like a big old love letter to the Bond films with his trademark insanity injected in. Bond films have memorable henchmen like Jaws and Oddjob? Well, here the henchmen shoot bees and photosynthesize! The big bad is some megalomaniacal criminal mastermind? Well this one shoots lightning, fucks twinks, and turns into a flaming zombie after he dies! Oh, there’s absurd super weapons that could wipe out the world? Here’s a crazy nuke-launching tank that’s the prototype of all Metal Gears! And of course what Bond film is complete without a theme tune? Every time you boot the game up, you get met with the single greatest piece of video game music of all time, a track sung by the same woman who previously capped off Konami’s Symphony of the Night and who manages to make absurd lyrics about eating tree frogs contain emotional weight I never imagined possible. It is the perfect tune for a perfect game, and the best unofficial Bond theme ever.

[kikithecorgi]

Gazing into each others eyes before going on their date 💜 (committing murders)

[thememedaddy]

[toxiccoworker]

you wouldn't know a good hook if it impaled you

[thememedaddy]

[whosurisold]

No,,,,,,, we are not!

[i-really-like-phrogs]

A random thing that upsets me is when people make jokes like;

“Lol, adulthood Sucks 🤪🤪🤪🤪 Enjoy your childhood while you can because it only gets worse from here 💁‍♀️💁‍♀️”

When I was a teenager suffering with depression, those jokes literally made me so scared to become an adult that I thought I had to end my own life before things got worse. I’m hurting now, why stay when there’s no relief to come?

Let me say it again: I almost ended my fucking life because of this mindset.

Being an adult has hardships and responsibilities, yes— but you have so many opportunities that were never open to you before. If you don’t like where you are, you can take yourself to another place. You don’t have to be anywhere you don’t want to be. You can do things and buy stuff with your own money and it’s so wonderful and fulfilling. Yes, you have to work for it, but it’s responsibility that comes with doing stuff that makes you happy.

I could go on and on, but for all of my young folks out there— it’s worth reaching. Adulthood only sucks if you let it. Yes; there’s things and factors out of your control, but if you make it so that you can find joy, it doesn’t suck.

People mean well when they make those stupid jokes about adulthood sucking, but I can’t stand it. Life is worth living. Growing old is a PRIVELIGE. You will miss out on so much if you spend your whole life missing your youth and don’t choose to see the joy in front of you now.

This has been my PSA, thank you.

[k-i-k-k-i-i]

Yeah like... Have you seen him?

(In which Al maybe accepted Vox's proposal but at what cost)

[blitzy-blitzwing]

He’s just too dang purty. 😤

[thememedaddy]

[thememedaddy]

[ryan-sometimes]

What’s funny about being goth or punk is that kids generally aren’t scared of you. When I’m all dressed up with the big hair, dark makeup, and spiky clothes, little girls in particular treat me like I’m a disney princess

[crabussy]

I don't understand how cis people obsessed with gender norms think trans people are the weird ones. they're going around believing that your name has to correlate to your genitals. your fashion has to correlate to your genitals. your behaviours have to correlate to your genitals. your hobbies have to correlate to your genitals. who you date has to correlate to your genitals. whether you can put sparkles on your eyelids or not has to correlate to your genitals. and then people like me go "hmm. I might not do that. maybe I'll just do what feels fun and okay instead" and they LOSE their MINDS

[punkrorschach]

the legally blonde mentality isnt just for law students. u can bring that attitude with you into every field of work. be the whimsical force of positive change. wear that neon outfit. snaps for us all.

[punkrorschach]

this post was inspired by my boss telling me she couldnt "take me seriously" in a pair of dinosaur print overalls. sorry i have two degrees and a dope wardrobe. you dont need to take me seriously but You Will Take Me.

[black-quadrant]

OP's an inspiration. bring on the whimsy movement!

[clubpenguinkiller]

cats always step precisely on your most sensitive areas when theyre crawling on you lovingly for cuddles. bladder dick ovaries boobs stomach bruise it doesnt matter. they have homing devices on their paws for the exact area you’re most tender at the moment and they put their full weight into that step. and sometimes they might keep their stance midstride so theyre just standing there forever forcing you to endure the pain. because they are simply too cute to get mad at

[seracadash]

(goverment voice) we need to protect the children from pornography so our plan is to remove their eyes so they would never see something so traumatic. if you are against removing children's eyes you are basically a pedophile

[natalieironside]

Growing up, older folks would always get confused when I expressed familiarity with media from their childhoods and would act incredulous when I attempted to explain the concept of reruns. They'd be like "How do you, a child of this fallen era, know of Looney Tunes" and I'd be like "Because it has never not been playing on television" and this would seem to be brand new information to them