At the end of my suffering there was a door—
Louise Glück, excerpt of The Wild Iris (via antigonick)

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Xuebing Du
almost home
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trying on a metaphor

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shark vs the universe
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$LAYYYTER
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@slire
At the end of my suffering there was a door—
Louise Glück, excerpt of The Wild Iris (via antigonick)
trigger warning overview:
(will get updated as the story goes on)
1. first of all, this story contains psychological horror. steer away if you are not comfortable with this genre. 2. i didn’t care to mention some triggers too many times, like cigarettes / alcohol etc, so if it’s happened once it might happen again. sorry.
big overall warnings:
gritty description
loss of identity
abuse (verbal, physical, sexual, emotional, mental)
rape, graphic and nongraphic
human and animal death
human and animal torture, injuries, violence + instruments of violence
blood, vomit, urine, etc.
insects
bad language, slurs and -isms / sexism, ableism…
detailed overview, chapter by chapter:
(→): circle of shit - excrement mention(s) - fat shaming - violent, disgusting imaginary - verbal manipulation
(→): circle of blood - excrement mention(s) - fat shaming - alcohol - vomit - verbal and physical manipulation - seizure - noncon handjob - cheating - violence
(→): circle of manias - identity issues - arguing - mention of cheating
(←): 0.08 - alcohol - mention of noncon sex - asphyxiation/choking - threat(s)
(←): 0.2 - alcohol - nazi mention - vomit mention - manipulation - abuse - whipping - use of weapons/knife; a character scars his name into another character’s back - the pet name “Dog”
(←): 0.4 - hinted female genital mutilation - sex under a middle school - sexism - (sexual) abuse, hints towards possibly underage abuse - heavy, creepy atmosphere - bondage -whipping - dentist equipment, removal of a tooth
(→): madeleines - negative talk of people with disorders - work discrimination; homophobia - a nondescript story about the female genital mutilation - alcohol - unrequited lust, sadomasochism
(→): leeches - workplace manipulation, authority abuse - nondescript story of physical and mental abuse - paralyzed person in hospital bed - hinted authority abuse at said hospital (becomes apparent in part 14) - a fight between two characters, accusations of cheating - loss of control - graphic descriptions of leeches, hinted murder(s) - anal sex, dubious consent, prostitution - “baptism” in an aquarium full of leeches, a character getting leeches on his face
(→): doors - a leech inside a person’s nose, violently removed - non-detailed animal death; cat - food burning - self-harm fantasies, dissosiation - vomit - cheating, sex between unstable people
(←): “baby, i’m gonna fuck you up” - testing out lots of different kinks… - edgeplay stuff: beatings, bloodplay, needeplay, burns, psuedo-somnophilia - a history lesson in hanging - gaslighting - slurs, “retard” and “faggot” - threats of gay outing
(←) Skinner - a disturbing hospital visit - captivity; main character is held at the hospital against his will, intvasive questions, unwated touching, panic attack - implied deaths of hospital patients - slowly grooming someone to dependence - sexism, intolerance (bolton being a shitbag) - hallucination - offscreen amputation of fingers
(→): Pavlov - a phone message of recorded screaming - slur, “retard” - kink shaming - negative descriptions of people, a woman who’s had plastic surgery done, mentally ill teenagers - memories of a mentally ill mother locked in the attic, povety, child abuse - plot of the chapter is a shrink meeting, so: gas lighting, denial of a patient’s experiences, denial of traumas, general shitty behaviour from a psychologist
(←): Watson - a character losing time due to depression - suicidal behaviour, fantasies - personal hyigine faltering due to depression - disregard over death and suffering on television, ableist behaviour, facination over horrible things - the implied hospital deaths in 11. (←) Skinner is shown to be true, serial killer victims exploited on television - self-harm mention - a sex scene in which a character harms the genetalia of another - threats - heavy non-con, deliberate triggering - a character shits himself
(→): le locataire chimérique - panic attack - animal death, animal abuse (later) - human death - mentions of non-graphic non-con, rape of a mentally ill patient - prostitution, cheating; oral sex in a patient’s room - abelism - manipulation
(→): the farmhouse - manipulation - lies - threats - mentions of girls being abused and buried - hallucinations, near-panic attack - abelism - claustrophobia
(←): the yellow wedding - public humiliation - violence - burning someone’s personal things - a character is forced to have an insect in his mouth for a long duration
(←): Thanatos - big overall warning: long, and horrible chapter. one of the worst ones - animal abuse, animal death; Ramsay literally kicks the puppy, dogs tearing the puppy apart - gaslightning, loss of identity; Theon is morphing into Reek - attempted rape - murder with a hammer - mention of flayed human - disgusting food - a person tries in vain to escape his kidnapper - rape - slurs, homophobia
(→): Whatever happened to Ned Stark's head? - manipulation - grotesque murder; beheading - a mental breakdown - the head is found, and it was swarming with leeches in an earlier chapter - mentally fucking with someone
(→): the fourth option - mentioned suicide; potential murder - mentioned alcoholism, drug-use - a breakdown, someone admitting to blame a traumatized person
(←):The Seer - overall disgusting descriptions; operations, starvation, rape - use of the "it" pronoun - a character eats bugs - a character hacks off his fingers willingly - trigger words - character is trapped in a chest with a decomposing body - suicide idolization
(→): The Seer Returns - potential major character death - open ending
Steve Reinke, ‘Camouflage from The Hundred Videos’, 1996
Got any tips on how to write characters that have been living alone for a long time? Both solitary confinement and alone in the wilderness types of stuff will suffice.
Hello, I do have tips, but I also have questions about your question.
Characters, how old are they? how old were when they started to live alone in the wilderness or in solitary confinement?
Time, what does long time means for you? months? years?
I ask those questions because we, humans, are social animals. We need others not only to get basics needs, but also to keep our personal identity. Since our birth we are in contact with other people from different backgrounds, socioeconomic status, personalities, age, cultures, among others. Sociology and psychology have theorized about this, since we grow and live in societies in two different ways, social and personal (not mutually exclusive), as a result we develop a social identity and an individual identity.
This is a lot of information, I’ll try to be as clear and organized as possible.
Sociology
Stages of Socialization
Family
School
Peers
Society
Here is a paper to help you understand this better: Socialization
Psychology
Theory of Psychosocial Development
Stage 1: Trust vs Mistrust
Stage 2: Autonomy vs Shame and Doubt
Stage 3: Initiative vs Guilt
Stage 4: Industry vs Inferiority
Stage 5: Identity vs Confusion
Stage 6: Intimacy vs Isolation
Stage 7: Generativity vs Stagnation
Stage 8: Integrity vs Despair
This theory is from Erik Erikson, here’s a link: Erikson’s Theory of Psychosocial Development
Cognitive Development
Sensorimotor Stage
Preoperational Stage
Concrete Operational Stage
Formal Operational Stage
This is from Jean Piaget: Piaget’s Stages
Theory of Moral Development
Level 1 Preconventional Morality: Stage 1 - Obedience and Punishment. Stage 2 - Individualism and Exchange
Level 2 Conventional Morality: Stage 3 - Interpersonal Relationships. Stage 4 - Maintaining Social Order
Level 3 Postconventional Morality: Stage 5 - Contract and Individual Rights. Stage 6 - Universal Principles
This theory is from Lawrence Kohlberg: Kohlberg’s Theory of Moral Development
Why do you need to know this? Because if your characters are alone in the wilderness or in solitary confinement since a young age and for a long time, all those stages will be affected.
Here are some examples
10 Modern Cases of Feral Children
“Blindfolded & bound”: Israel puts more Palestinians kids in solitary confinement (remember context)
Living in the Wilderness
After you’ve got the age of your characters, you need a purpose, especially if they’re teenagers or adults. Sometimes it can be discomfort with society, sometimes because they want to live alone, sometimes for spiritual fulfillment, sometimes because circumstances made it possible. You have to consider their resources and what they know about nature, if they carry something with them or have to figure it out how to live with things nature provides. And the place where they want to live is important as well, are your characters prepared for the wheater? are they going to live in a rainforest, somewhere near a beach, near a river, a mountain, desert? Something else, can they live there? who owns the land they want to live in, the government, is it a national park, native land? What happens with their houses, family, taxes, etc?
10 Modern Day Hermits
7 People Who Gave Up on Civilization to Live in the Wild
Is it Legal to Live in the Wilderness (doesn’t give any answer to the question but there are a lot of experiences)
Going Alone in Wilderness for Self-Renewal
The Walden Effect: Tracing the Myth of the Man Alone in the Wilderness (this one brings the question of why there are more men than women willing to live in the wilderness, the answer is very vague, if you can bring up an answer or some hit in your story give it a try)
Realities of Going Primitive (careful with the terms primitive, native, “Indian”, and civilization)
Solitary Confinement
Unlike living alone in the wilderness, solitary confinement goes against the person’s will. This is related to imprisonment, kidnapping and war crimes, is also meant to inflict some kind of damage in the person’s mental and physical health.
What Solitary Confinement Does to the Brain
What Does Solitary Confinement Do to your Mind?
Taking the Solitary Confinement Debate Out of Isolation (this one is about prisoners with mental illness in solitary confinement)
Solitary Confinement Facts
The following links are about children and youth in solitary confinement
The Psychological Effects of Solitary Confinement
Growing Up Locked Down - Youth in Solitary Confinement in Jails and Prisons Across the United States
Should Children Be in Solitary Confinement?
Identity
As said before, humans are social animals, our identity is made, among other things, by our experiences, memories, and our surroundings. I’m not this, I am that, I like this, I dislike that. The way we see ourselves is part conditioned by our relationships with our environment. So, what happens when there’s no one around to valide us, to makes us believe that we are what we think we are or what we aren’t?
Brain
Solitary Confinement doesn’t involve just your interactions with other people, but also involves your brain and external stimulus. As long as there are things for your brain to keep it working it will work.
What Extreme Isolation Does to Your Mind
Sensory Deprivation Can Produce Hallucinations in Only 15 Minutes
How Extreme Isolation Warps the Mind
Context
Always remember context, especially for solitary confinement. Why there are people being imprisoned? And why solitary confinement is being used.
Final Considerations
The age of your character is one of the most important things when they were imprisoned or decided to live in the wilderness, or were left abandoned, or escaped, or got lost.
If they were imprisoned, what was the reason? why are they still in solitary confinement? Show us the process they’ve been through (you will need more research), are they still the same? if they are free now, how do they live? where do they live? how do they react to sensory stimulus? Is it a prison or another
If they’ve been living in the wilderness, how do they live? why they left their homes? is someone looking for them? Do they still have some kind of contact with people?
There’s still the debate about nature/nurture. Are we a product of our genes and our environment or does one of them has more impact in our life? The way we are is because the way we were raised or because we have that written in our genes? When writing characters living in the wilderness for a long time and since their youngest youth you can explore this in your story.
I think I forgot Freud and his theory of development. But I think you got the general idea of the things you have to keep in mind.
Hope this can help you.
L.-
This is actually a really great response that touches on a lot of issues most people don’t consider about “living in the wild”. And like L. says, it is crucial to answer those first questions about age/length of time spent in isolation, especially because of the aforementioned socialisation and psychological issues. L. has done a wonderful job of summing up a bunch of really key points.
What I need to mention is that it takes a VERY specific sort of person to be able to psychologically handle that level of social isolation that living in the wilderness requires. A modern person would obviously have a significantly harder time adapting to life in that sort of environment far more than, let’s say, the first European explorers of North America, and especially harder time than an Aboriginal person on any continent (again, centuries back). If you notice, a lot of these famous men who took off, never came back and there is a lot of contention about their states of mind even prior to setting off. (I think we’ve all seen Into The Wild…) And what’s more, you have to seriously consider if these people are able to cope with the severe psychological strain of such isolation. It’s no easy task and it’s why often you hear of these solo escapists “going crazy”. (Malnourishment/diet can also impact this significantly.) So, if your character(s) have just been thrust into an unforgiving wilderness (and ALL wilderness is unforgiving, especially to the unprepared) from relative socialisation and comfort, they will suffer. Even if they have chosen to leave society. [Ofc, there are a handful of extraordinarily rare exceptions.]
A quick way to see this in action is Ed Wardle. He aimed to spend just 90 days alone in the Canadian wilderness and film it all for NatGeo/Channel4. Much like Survivorman, Les Stroud — but with none of the expertise. He lasted 50 days before calling for help. The show is called “Alone In The Wild” and you can watch the whole series on Youtube. This is an “average Joe”, not one of these survivalist experts (Les Stroud, Bear Gryllis, etc. Who, btw, all have TV shows that can give you a good indication of all the challenges faced by someone in the wilderness). I’d say he’s a bit more than average as he’s scaled Everest… But it’s an example of a “normal” person being dropped into nowhere (in the summer thankfully) and having to survive completely alone. The reason I suggest this series is because of the exploration it does on how extreme isolation and survival stress break a person psychologically. By the concluding episode you see first hand what it looks like — and this was a man who chose to go into the woods. They key here is “alone”. If you are with even one other person, it can mitigate this substantially. But most people do not understand how devastating social isolation actually is (especially when coupled with malnutrition, fear/stress (prolonged high cortisol levels can be incredibly damaging physically and emotionally), exhaustion, etc.) [I tried to find a few easy-to-read layman’s articles for you. I generally would have directed people towards peer-reviewed scientific journals. If you’re into thesis papers (and are aware of the caveats of using such) here is one regarding high cortisol/stress.] Things such as hearing a human voice, piece of rubbish, or seeing a photograph become incredibly devastating/desirable.
So whether you character has grown up “feral” or has been dropped into the environment by force or by choice as an adult (or teenager even), will make a HUGE difference on their coping mechanisms and psychological/social development. To see how a grown man could react to the “by force or by choice” option of wilderness isolation, Ed Wardle can give you a glimpse — with side effects being depression, paranoia, scattered thinking, hallucinations, etc. exacerbated by harsh living conditions and malnourishment. Importantly, he had an escape plan. He could radio for help and it would be there. I would guess your characters don’t have this luxury. It’s a very affecting episode if you understand the psychology going on. And there used to be additional videos available that detailed his psychological issues. I mean, you do have to take anything on TV with a grain of salt, but it’s an okay starting point. If you combine it with research into other wilderness survival/Walden-esque stories, you can get a decent idea. (Don’t pay attention to Thoreau, lol. It’s a beautiful book and definitely good for appreciating nature, but it’s fiction.)
So, basically, my long belaboured point is that in addition to all the developmental aspects of social isolation, there are the near-immediate psychological consequences also that can start to come up as early as one week, and most likely will begin to manifest after a month. Stress levels and food can impact it significantly. So, you need a very special person (of this modern age) to be able to have survived for a significant time alone in the wild not only for the highly-developed expertise required (what food to eat, how to hunt, how to build shelter, how to deal with health issues, SO MANY other issues that we think are “easy” or take for granted), but for the psychological aspect as well. Not just anyone could have survive for a long period of time. And someone who has now adjusted to a solitary life in the wilderness over a significant period of time (years) will likely no longer be socialised the same way as a “regular” member of society, regardless of whether they have been in the past or not.
There are many legal issues to worry about as well, especially if you are not a member of an indigenous group. (ie. relating to trespass, land use, hunting/poaching, etc.) All land is “owned” by someone now.
I knew I was forgetting something when I answered this!!!
Thank you for pointing this out, it’s actually very important.
Guys, check what avialaeandapidae has said.
L.-
The Hello Kitty Murder: One night, a nightclub hostess, Fan Man-yee, was abducted by three men, 34-year-old Chan Man-lok, 27-year-old Leung Shing-cho, and 21-year-old Leung Wai-lun. They took Fan back to their apartment, where they beat and tortured her for over a month. They eventually killed and dismembered her, and then stuffed her head into a Hello Kitty doll. The murderers were caught only because one of the kidnappers 14-year-old girlfriend reported to the police that she was being haunted by the deceased woman.
David Hockney
Tracey Emin - My Bed (1998)
The artist’s bed, presented in the state she claimed it had been while in the midst of a suicidial depression brought on by relationship difficulties. Empty booze bottles, cigarette butts, stained sheets, worn panties, “the bloody aftermath of a nervous breakdown”, My Bed was a scandalous installation in its day and though it wasn’t the winner of the Turner Prize, its notoriety has persisted.
I love this
Abandoned house in Georgia that i stole a blue nightgown from, December 2013
Body Lift Before and After Photos
Francisco José de Goya y Lucientes
Black Period — 1819-1823
Saturn Devouring his Son, 1819-23.
Women Laughing, 1819-23.
Two Old People Eating, 1821-23.
Witches’ Sabbath, 1821-23.
Museo del Prado, Madrid, Spain.
God. destroying the creation.