Life is temporary

My thoughts, feelings, random postings. This is mostly for my own pleasure, but if you find some pleasure in it too, that's pretty cool. I'm not going to give too much about myself away, if you feel so inclined you can discover it yourself by reading my blog. Disclaimer: This blog is generally extremely dramatic, emotional and self-indulgent. But it's my heart and soul so tread lightly.

[slowmotiontime]

god I just want someone to support my dreams and rub my tummy is that so fkn much to ask for??

I have literally felt like I am dying lately. This year has been hell. 

TMI but pooping is like giving birth right now. Shaking and sweating on the toilet like I’m damn Nikki Sixx. 

I’m on the home stretch. Prayers I stay strong today and get my shit done. I’m so sore I can’t sleep anyways, I gotta find a way to power through.

[slowmotiontime]

My optimism when I'm in a good mood, is astounding to me. Like, yes, I do believe one day things will be better. But j have a good day and jm like YA LETS DO THIS BITCH ALL AT ONCE 5 DAYS IN A ROW and fu c k ing

C r a s h . . .

Bye world, bye brains chance at fucking healing

I avoided my depression for so long, and tried to act normal and handle people for so long, I wonder how many brain cells I even have left that could heal and learn new patterns. I guess I'm basically healing my own brain

I wonder if I could go into neurology

Is that crazy to think I could learn that when I couldn't before? I am smart, but I had no confidence. What would school be like now? Do I really even need school? I just need like a line of coke and one person to tell me I csnt do it and I'll be off...

I'm starting to wonder if I'm more intelligent than I even suspected. My dad constantly discourages me and so does my sister in some ways. Maybe they were jealous of something?

Idk, it sounds crazy, so I'm not going to tell anyone else this. I told my girl friend when I was high and she agreed, which may have been a lie, but she also usually knows the truth even if her brain doesn't see it.

Idk I was watching a show and the kid is being tested for adhd, turns out he's a genius. Something in me was like hey, imagine my family actually helped me. Where could I be? Smart people would have attention disorders. I feel like I'm a brilliant retard a lot. Like I'm actually mentally retarded, but I'm also poetic and able to pick up on concepts if it feels pertinent to me somehow. I feel like if I set my mind to it I could study the brain. Cause I csnt even handle not knowing what's wrong with me. Imagine if I found a way to help diagnose others by actually figuring out brain patterns and ways to test them? Why isn't this a thing yet??

I sometimes feel like my purpose is to help others, and I should stop looking for love. I can help others love themselves as much as I do, and find a way to fix my bung brain so I can actually be fully confident...is this an insane idea?

I used to want to own a coffee shop, how have my ambitions gotten so big lmfao. Am I pompous or is this real? Cause the problem is, schedule, consistent demands, petty problems, all these come with shops. I want to spread love and wellness, and I'm completely agoraphobic now, so holing up in a lab...or whatever...actually sounds amazing. I can fall in love with myself and knowledge. Take random lovers who are educated clairvoyants like me, maybe I can find one who understands me and wants to see me flourish, and I can get my some strange when I need it instead of doing drugs or fighting with boys. Eventually I could find a female to bring into the fold and we can be lovers to this eccentric dude and be weird hippies together.

Does anyone else ever have this dream or is that just me lmfaoooo

The only thing is I'm really sad I am missing my chance to be wild and enjoy it. I'm getting older, I cant behave like a child anymore. Maybe once I start working towards a real goal I won't feel the need to do the bad things anyways. I don't need drugs to have fun and by then I'll have expunged their educational use. I have done so much fucked up shit in such a short amount of time, I wouldn't need a babysitter in the future to do drugs if I want to let loose. I can have fun by myself lol. Eventually there's gotta be some other weirdo like me to come along, right?

It's not like partying is really that fun, I like to study people, if I'm being honest, and I fell into the trap because of my self control issues. I won't need to study people at a party once I learn how to be a part of society without destroying myself.

I have to learn to lie again. I hate lying, but it's the only way.

Why is everyone else so okay with hiding who they are? I've worked so hard to embrace myself. Now I feel like no one wants to embrace me and I'm so much more likeable lol. I guess I need a strong ass person who can communicate for days but is also super self aware. Seems likely. Not.

[slowmotiontime]

I'm done for a while. It's recharge time, watch out motherfuckers...

[slowmotiontime]

Dave better come visit soon, I need to fucking THROW DOWN and clear my head.

[slowmotiontime]

He'd rip his heart out but not just be here for me, lol ok

[slowmotiontime]

I'm so butthurt lol

I found a dayplanner that looked perfect for me and I was like oh this is a sign, a gift!

They are even nearby

Then someone else snatches it, within 2 hours. And they probably won't even use it. Grrr

[danger]

[danger]

[spacemonkeyfilms-blog]

“I’m a promiscuous woman, yes, because I want to use sex as a means to find what everyone is looking for. Recognition, pleasure, self-esteem and, in short, love and affection. What’s pathological about that? If you want to give me a name, go on, I don’t mind. But you must know I’m really a mermaid, a dryad, simply a nymph.”

— - Diario de una Ninfómana (Diary of a Nymphomaniac) directed by Christian Molina.   (via ambidextrious)

[jaubaius]

Workin’ hoodie 🐧🐧🐧

[just-shower-thoughts]

The easiest way to make money is to already have lots of money

[vanish]

♡ 18+ aesthetic blog ♡

[unbotheredmuse]

[magsam]

beautiful take on grief by Andrew Garfield

[detachmennt]

[slowmotiontime]

Oh.

I think I get it now.

My therapist was right lol.

But how do you just crash and burn your entire life and start new? Thats a lot to expect of people.

I thought I did, but it's all the same again mostly.

I need to feel surrounded by love, and people just aren't allowed the time to love that much...so I surround myself with people who pretend to love me so I don't feel devastated... there isn't much of a solution either.

Maybe I just have to accept myself and try to not feel so guilty about what I have to do to survive? But deep down I guess I know, so I feel shitty anyways. I guess I need to work harder at finding a lover who can give me what I need. I don't see another way to feel full.

[slowmotiontime]

Today I was sad

I thought "I wanna go home"

But I was sitting in my shower

Isn't it mad?

Does anyone feel the way I feel?

Am I alone in feeling vacant?

[slowmotiontime]

At this point, I don't want to get vaccinated because I fucking WISH I got covid and would die. Come on, if it's so deadly why the fuck am I still alive? Kill me already, happily.

It feels like there's not enough life left worth living for anymore.

I don't want to live in a world where my rights and freedoms are taken away. I don't want to live in a world even more ignorant than it already is. Honestly I don't want to live in a world where the few people who actually would smile at you, can't.

I'd rather die. I already want to die. It's already too hard to function and leave my home. I can't weather another lockdown, I'm too fragile for this. This isn't fucking fair. They don't seem to realize what they are doing to people like me. I csnt recover while not knowing if I have a world to go back to. This is getting way too hard...