diary of a lover girl

[slowridedownhill]

I have this one friend that copies a lot of the things I do. I am sure it's out of admiration or because she also likes the things I like. Things like how I cut my hair, who cuts my hair, how i dye my hair, how i do my makeup, etc. She always tells me "I did xyz because of you!" or "I did this because I saw you do it!" which makes me feel really good on one hand, but also bad at the same time. I wish I could have things that are unique to me, things that are mine only. It makes me a little insecure too because I feel like she does everything better than I do as well.

idk just a vent.

[slowridedownhill]

violent winds scream through the shell of a new condo building downtown as rain hits my bare legs like bullets.

I hurry through the thunderstorm wearing last night's dress and slipper flats that are now cold and wet.

like a little girl, I hop over puddles in the parking lot. the lace of my skirt clinging to and crying down my shivering thighs.

as I reach my street, I am no longer walking daintily, but trudging along like a behemoth. heavy steps with my body swaying side to side.

I make it inside just as the rain blows over.

[slowridedownhill]

I want to be the object of a man's raging desire

look at me like Aphrodite or Venus in her purest form

trace my body with gentle fingers, kissing the path you've created

devour me whole, consume my entire being, make me yours

I want to be the muse for someone's burning, passionate love

lay me down in your unmade bed and make me know your deepest, darkest desires

undress me with your teeth and become an animal to the pleasure

[slowridedownhill]

I miss feeling desired the way a man who's never touched my body desires me

[slowridedownhill]

I want to feel the tension and building desire of a first date again

the flirting, subtle touching, smirks and giggling, lip biting in beautiful, agonizing anticipation

the way our eyes lock then theirs move to my lips, a hand on my thigh under the table

I can feel their burning arousal through their gaze

them staring at my hands, my neck, my breasts, my legs and what's between them

the fantasy before the act is almost superior

[slowridedownhill]

standing next to him, leaned against the window frame

he shaves in the dim bathroom, sunlight pouring in, shirtless

meticulous strokes of the razor, heavy silence except the sound of breathing

I have never been more in love than I am right now

[slowridedownhill]

I saw him sitting there, shirt unbuttoned, nothing under it

kneeling down at his feet, dim light, looking up, I saw God in his purest form

[slowridedownhill]

I feel so utterly neglected. shutting off all emotions now.

[slowridedownhill]

I think I met God the first time a man kissed my bare feet

[slowridedownhill]

I was born with a whole soul

one day, a pinpoint hole formed

slowly it grew larger, ripping open a little more every day

I was starved, neglected, dismissed, brushed aside

it felt like my heart was being ripped out through my ribcage

bones snapping, skin tearing, flesh and blood pouring out

my heart was gone

the bruises faded and flesh healed

the hole stayed

born was my void

I used to hide within myself, the only place I felt safe

I cut away at the edges, picking and clawing it open wider

big was my void

few people patched it up temporarily

but the ache remained from deep within me

the emptiness is all consuming

last year I tried to fill it

men, money, sex, alcohol, drugs

they only decayed my being further

the void will never be filled

[slowridedownhill]

"I love you so much, more than I've ever loved anyone"

until it's degrading the city and country I grew up in

until it's degrading the people I like

until it's associating with racists

until it's being on time to plans

until it's remembering my middle name, birthday, and any detail about me

[slowridedownhill]

I feel like what I ask for is too much

"I'd do anything for you"

until it's too much

I feel like I have to mold him into the person I want

constantly repeating myself

telling him over and over again

I'm fucking tired of it

[1111angelgirl1111]

gloomy midwest winter

[rainbowglitterbunny]

[killyridols]

rise and monty kissing, new york city by nan goldin, 1980, silver dye bleach print, 39.4 × 58.7 centimeters / from nan goldin: i'll be your mirror by elisabeth sussman

[reneesociety]

[ahududulugazoz]