vivi's gay ramblings

Please do not message me asking for donations. I am sorry, I do not have enough money to support everyone asking me for help. 30yo tranny. NSFW. Minors, transphobes, other assholes, GTFO. This blog exists because I have fought valiantly against my HRT's demands for absolute cringe, and failed. Woe unto ye who gaze upon the trash I post or discuss. Bluesky

[slutty-cthulhu]

i turned 30 a couple months ago and the realization struck me that if you asked me, five years ago, where i would be when i turned 30, i would've told you "probably dead".

i was never at the "i need to kill myself" level. worst it ever got was in college, id cross the street and see cars coming and think "well either they stop and i get to class, or they dont and im finally done with this bullshit".

idk i think my mental health was worse in those hellish years after graduation, looking for a job and spending years getting the lie of "we'll get back to you", but i didn't have the energy to do anything about it, and i didn't go out enough to risk getting hit by a car. probably for the best i didn't.

it just feels unreal being here, all these years later. idk what the point is, exactly. not in a bad way, not in that "there's no reason to keep going, everything's meaningless" way. just a "what comes next?" haze that hasn't really stopped. gotten less miserable, but still foggy.

childhood, college, the job search, those had direction. a destination. a wife, two kids, a house with a fenced-in yard. that was a purpose, at least. that gave me something to live for, because maybe life becomes bearable once you make it, right? that's the idea after all, you just gotta make it and then it's all okay.

except i didn't. the train derailed and fell into a ditch and got stuck there for five years. realized i was the wrong gender, which was scary and upsetting, and that my parents didnt realize that, which was worse. (they got better. sort of.) started worrying id never make it, and that even if i did itd never be worth it.

antidepressants and the dream of transitioning gave me reasons to start climbing out of that ditch. the train was gone and the manual it came with was useless, but i knew how to climb. so i did.

now im here, thirty years old, im... i guess "happy" is a strong word, but certainly not "unhappy", and i keep wondering what the point is. dont get me wrong, i like being here more than i like the idea of not being here, i just dont really know why. i feel like something that was never meant to keep running this long. planned obsolescence should've kicked in years ago.

but im still here. thirty years old. ambivalently living in a world that hates me, but im here.

so i make my own reasons. im here because there are people like me who need help getting out of that ditch. im here because there are people who need to know they can change, that the railroad isn't the only way to go, that they dont need to make it to make it.

im here because i love how i look in that dress i found, and i wanna wear it more. im here because i read a book that made me cry, and i wanna read the next one when it comes out. im here because im writing a story and its not done yet and i need the world to see it.

im here because i have friends i want more time with, because i have lovers i want to grow old with, because i want to be there for my little brothers as they grow up. im here because life is worth living, and i want to live as much of it as i can. because i want to turn forty, fifty, sixty, and be me for every single one of those years.

im here because i wanna see how much higher i can climb.

(this was initially gonna be a reblog of this post, but became way too big and personal to add to that)

[normalest-lux-ever]

Fun fact for anyone who does this, being a misogynistic man isn't funny just because you're trans or you think the idea of treating trans women like women is inherently funny, how funny do you think she finds your "ironic" misogyny when you punch down on the women that don't have cis privilege over you

[strawberry-crocodile]

also no one says it but the punchline of "trans inclusive misogyny" is almost always the implicit assumption that transfeminine people do not actually experience misogyny in our day-to-day life. thats why its considered humorous and acceptable to do, rather than just being. misogyny against women.

[salmaciansalix]

I'd even go a step further and suggest that the punchline isn't just the implicit assumption that we don't experience misogyny in our daily lives, but that we don't experience misogyny in our daily lives because we "aren't women" and it's funny to pretend that we are by being bigoted towards us.

[xenasaur]

you cannot put a scene in your game where my two partners get mad at me for not telling them about each other earlier when you did not mechanically give me the option to tell them about each other until this scene

[xenasaur]

cannot stress enough that this specific post is about corruption of champions, a game where the goal is to have sex with everyone. and they STILL have scenes where it's like "ermmmm wtf!? who is this!?" it's so dire out here.

[xenasaur]

you cannot put a scene in your game where my two partners get mad at me for not telling them about each other earlier when you did not mechanically give me the option to tell them about each other until this scene

[xenasaur]

cannot stress enough that this specific post is about corruption of champions, a game where the goal is to have sex with everyone. and they STILL have scenes where it's like "ermmmm wtf!? who is this!?" it's so dire out here.

[closet-keys]

as a teen, i was constantly harassed by adults enforcing ''dress codes'' on me. I very much experienced this as sexual harassment. I think this is one of many cases where people would more easily understand this as sexual harassment if I described it as if it happened to an adult.

imagine being on your lunch break, and your supervisor comes over to your table, tells you to stand up in front of everyone. they draw everyone's attention to your thighs. they tell you that you have broken the dress code because of the length of your shorts. they tell you to go change (so you do not get the rest of your lunch break). they do this every single day at lunch. every day. so you read the whole dress code front and back, and you choose your clothing carefully to not break it. you bring a cloth tape measure with you to work because they will not believe you. this time when your supervisor tells you that you're breaking dress code, you pull out your tape measure and show that you are within the limit. your supervisor says "I bet you wouldn't want me to bring you to the boss and let him measure it, would you?" it's clearly a threat: if you don't obey then you will be put alone in a room with your boss and he will touch your thighs. you don't know how to respond. you're taken out of lunch again.

this was my experience at school. replace supervisor with "teacher" and boss with "principal." this was sexual harassment. fuck dress codes.

[wombrion]

og

[confines]

communication

[stateownedslut]

Reactionary sub: I'm literally biologically designed for you to use and abuse me. It's just my body doing what is natural.

Dialectical materialist sub: Historical trends in productive forces have produced a moment within the superstructure wherein I derive sexual satisfaction from roleplaying taboo subject matter.

Liberal sub: nobody knows why I get a funny feeling in my tummy when they call me their kid

[stateownedslut]

Reactionary sub: I'm literally biologically designed for you to use and abuse me. It's just my body doing what is natural.

Dialectical materialist sub: Historical trends in productive forces have produced a moment within the superstructure wherein I derive sexual satisfaction from roleplaying taboo subject matter.

Liberal sub: nobody knows why I get a funny feeling in my tummy when they call me their kid

[strawberry-crocodile]

theres two kinds of hating on elves, justified anti-white supremacy, and misogyny. and also those two can coexist in the same person.

[strawberry-crocodile]

just to elaborate

elves are frequently white-coded. they are often written as seeing other "races" as lesser, and use the language of real life racism- 'savage', 'children', etc. the narrative often justifies this by giving them a grand, ancient history, innate talents, art, culture, etc that other peoples are shown to lack or simply have less of or are "inferior". they are also usually visually coded with features common to peoples of northern europe; pale skin, long bony faces, downward pointing noses, blonde hair, tall, etc.

thus, some people you find hating on elves are expressing hatred towards white supremacy and a rejection of the idea that there is an Objectively Better race. i think those people are correct in their values and justified in expressing that in a jokey way that engages with the modern fantasy genre.

on the other hand, elves are almost always also coded as feminine. they are naturalists as opposed to industrialists, artisans and intellectuals as opposed to laborers. they are thin, with long head hair and no facial hair. they are emotional, capricious, and impractical. you will often, historically and in modern conservative spaces, straight up see transmisogynistic slurs like "sissy" levied at elves. this almost always goes hand in hand with contrast to dwarves, who are codified as hairy muscular industrialist practical laborers. you even see this in elven wine vs dwarven beer.

i deeply resent when elves are used this way and have a kneejerk reaction whenever i see someone larping as a dwarf who hates elves.

this also touches on the way in which misogyny is used as a shorthand for the bourgeoise! the rugged manly rural farmer in jeans vs the sissy foppish intellectual sex pervert! the way many transmisogynists imagine all trans women as privileged white rich intellectuals that they can Punch Up!

so like. anyway yeah go out and larp as an elf hater as someone conscious of the imagery and language youre using and think VERY CAREFULLY about why you hate elitist intellectual tree hugging sissy faggot elves.

[slutty-cthulhu]

also famously, "it's not gay if it's an elf", which specifically evokes transmisogyny - you're telling me some people see elven men as not being women (otherwise you wouldn't have to specify this isn't gay), but also they aren't men (at least, not enough for it to be gay)? and these people fantasize about having sex with one? hmmmmmm

[strawberry-crocodile]

theres two kinds of hating on elves, justified anti-white supremacy, and misogyny. and also those two can coexist in the same person.

[strawberry-crocodile]

just to elaborate

elves are frequently white-coded. they are often written as seeing other "races" as lesser, and use the language of real life racism- 'savage', 'children', etc. the narrative often justifies this by giving them a grand, ancient history, innate talents, art, culture, etc that other peoples are shown to lack or simply have less of or are "inferior". they are also usually visually coded with features common to peoples of northern europe; pale skin, long bony faces, downward pointing noses, blonde hair, tall, etc.

thus, some people you find hating on elves are expressing hatred towards white supremacy and a rejection of the idea that there is an Objectively Better race. i think those people are correct in their values and justified in expressing that in a jokey way that engages with the modern fantasy genre.

on the other hand, elves are almost always also coded as feminine. they are naturalists as opposed to industrialists, artisans and intellectuals as opposed to laborers. they are thin, with long head hair and no facial hair. they are emotional, capricious, and impractical. you will often, historically and in modern conservative spaces, straight up see transmisogynistic slurs like "sissy" levied at elves. this almost always goes hand in hand with contrast to dwarves, who are codified as hairy muscular industrialist practical laborers. you even see this in elven wine vs dwarven beer.

i deeply resent when elves are used this way and have a kneejerk reaction whenever i see someone larping as a dwarf who hates elves.

this also touches on the way in which misogyny is used as a shorthand for the bourgeoise! the rugged manly rural farmer in jeans vs the sissy foppish intellectual sex pervert! the way many transmisogynists imagine all trans women as privileged white rich intellectuals that they can Punch Up!

so like. anyway yeah go out and larp as an elf hater as someone conscious of the imagery and language youre using and think VERY CAREFULLY about why you hate elitist intellectual tree hugging sissy faggot elves.

[fallout-lou-begas]

there is a particular kind of lesbian t4c pornographic art that is common among, like, "sapphic" "spicy" patreon artists on twitter/bluesky that i don't think is deliberately or malevolently chasery per se but kind of stumbles assbackwards into it. what happens in my assessment is that the artist (not a trans woman) projects onto the submissive cis bottom characters, which is fine, but then the artist tries to project all of her other kinks onto the other character all at the same time -- which is also not necessarily bad, except, well, when those kinks are "size difference" and "muscles" and "breeding" and "PIV" and "lots of cum" and "getting cummed inside of for real," and the lesbian artist wants to put them all together simultaneously, and especially if the artist may genuinely but naively want to be inclusive of trans women in lesbian art, you end up with very sleek but offputting trans woman top fetish pornography that i can really only describe as "pronouns futanari"

[fallout-lou-begas]

everybody saying they know what artist i'm vagueing here is almost definitely all thinking of different people, anybody wondering how to avoid falling into this pitfall ought to consider trans women who don't use their dick and trans women who don't even have dicks at all (but my theory is that in addition to tasteless and kneejerk aversion to neopussy, a lot of artists would very genuinely have no idea how to signpost that a character is trans otherwise because their imagination just straight up does not extend that far - but IMO, that's exactly what this is about! you're telling me that for one reason or another, this artist seems to have a lot less interest in "trans women" and everything that could possibly entail, and a lot more interest in an almost fantastically rendered category of "women who just so happen to have [working!] penises" that you can't help but feel is treated as something distinct from the former? nihil novi sub sole, even if there's maybe a little more lip service)

[fallout-lou-begas]

now i have not seen K-Pop Demon Hunters but what I have seen, as the perfect example of this, is score upon score of artists drawing the half-demon one fucking the other ones (but usually the smallest one) with the penis that the artist implies that she would simply and obviously and naturally have on account of being half-demon. i have tried and failed to look it up but there is another post floating around somewhere about how common it is for sapphic teratophiles to treat every even slightly monstrous woman as ultimately just a phallus and it's a very similar, overlapping concept

[succubus-tf-victim]

[meli-writes]

a full meal

the government says this plan will increase the integration of vampiric persons into normal society. the national health service says their trial will help 'people with disordered hemosynthetic parasitism' manage their health and avoid poor, condition-derived choice.

everyone knows it's kinda bullshit.

the clinics are too far apart, the waiting lists too long, the supply too short and the subject of endless headlines about the bagfeeders stealing from our veins. (0.4% of daily donations, to be precise.)

and you're still basically disabled without RADE (risk-aware dietary enhancement), and taking it from a partner is just a call-out post and a lost mutual aid network waiting for a breakup.

you could do bloodwork. it'll even be not-yet illegal if you don't let them fuck you, which is only the most required part if you aren't a top 0.1% earner and still wanna make rent.

no. what everyone knows really is that it's not enough, and it's not supposed to be. they want you starving, barely able to get up in the evening, getting fired totally because you can't keep up and all these complaints which are totally valid.

they want you thinking about making those poor, condition-derived choices. so they can simper about how much they sympathise with your condition and how unsafe you must feel while they lock you up and cancel all their plans and trials for being ineffective.

so you're in their corridors, their halls. it's where they want you. cheap, and vulnerable, and needy. with the people who could make it better and won't. who'll enjoy you and feed you and toss you when the headlines get too close to finding out.

but maybe this time you want to make one of those choices. and maybe, for first time in so so long, you're going to remember what it means to feel full.

[swagophile]

ironically enough, one of the worst parts of horns day isnt even all the dme people who try to touch your horns and make uneccessary comments about your body, its all the other demons who give me these looks for trimming down my horns. sorry. i want to be able to wear hats and accessories and not feel like a fucking freak for having naturally long horns. is that so fucked up of me. it's not like it matters anyways they grow back really fucking fast so whatever

[infinitely-cute-deactivated2026]

i got bored last week and cut mine down to the nub and sooo many dgirls gave me shit for it. “a demon without its horns is like an angel without its wings” DRINK A FLASK OF HOLY WATER

[swagophile]

lol seriously i know right? like oh my god. you don't need to have horns to be valid. just like you don't need to have your tail out. i can do whatever i want to my own body. god i swear to god sometimes the demon community pisses me off more than the humans do

[lady-of-vitreous-sight]

just saw a piece of "#horngirl" art and you can obviously tell by the way the horns are budding through her forehead that she's on a corruption arc but noooo she's a "#human #humanfemale". like she literally has a tail. fucking dme artists.

[stateownedslut]

re transmisogyny kink, i know what im about to say is probably too big word for me to be allowed to say it, but per intersectionality, could one do transmisogyny kink without misogyny kink? i.e. when im fantasizing about cis women objectifying me. i also kind of get to have my cake and eat it too wrt dykebreaking, bc i get all the implications of lesbian stripped away from me (these are implications ive wanted, and i like when im denied what i want) in so far as im one of "those" lesbians, and i dont have to interact with men at all but i worry if this isnt in the spirit of the kink. you're a better object than me, what do you think?

I think in absolute terms, the kink (or more accurately cluster of kinks) dubbed 'transfem supremacy' are the closest we have to true transmisogyny kink, but in relative terms there is a hitch. As I am fond of saying, misogyny kink diverges from actual contemporary misogyny in acknowledging patriarchy as an extant and powerful force in our society; I would not go so far as to call it feminist, per se, but feminism is an unshakeable foundation of the kink. I know a popular theme is getting off to feminist descriptions of sexual violence, but really the entire kink is based on that. Transfem supremacy, on the other hand, does not portray the trans woman as subjugated and inferior; rather, she is usually cast as superior (it is in the name), often with bioessentialist themes of the magic domination power stemming from her penis. This is of course very similar to many notorious strains of real-life transmisogyny; however, I think it fails to be a real transmisogyny kink because it doesn't acknowledge the transmisogyny, instead merely reproducing it. It is for this reason that it is so overwhelmingly enjoyed by a TME audience, while most trans women I know want nothing to do with it. It effectively reduces the trans woman to a sex object, a rape machine, a penis with a person attached, while pretending that it does not do so, that really she is in control. It is the highest form of transmisogyny in kink, and for that reason fails to be a kink about transmisogyny.

[succubus-tf-victim]

I take some issue with the idea that trans supremacy is the only form of transmisogyny kink out there. All sissification is fundamentally transmisogyny kink, because it only works if you see "men" being feminine as humiliating. This is one of the most prominent ways in which transmisogyny is reproduced through porn

When I fantasize about transmisogyny kink, I'm fantasizing about how trans women are reduced to sex objects under patriarchy. The impetus for this blog was a short story on one of atelier-tamamoland's deleted blogs where a succubus gets groped on a train, and can't say anything because she knows people would assume she's the pervert just because she's a succubus. Her allegorical transfemininity is used to coerce her into silence and continue the abuse. It was immensely hot while also making me feel very seen

I think there's a niche for porn like this that focuses on how transmisogyny marks us as acceptable targets for sexual violence. Why would you be wearing a dress as anything other than a fetish, you slut? You must have secretly wanted this. We can't trust you in women's spaces, so we'll throw you in with men to be used as a sex toy instead. Who'd believe that you could be raped? etc.