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intro!
hello! my name is fish. i occasionally write fics, but i’m keeping it on the low burn since i’m quite busy (i’m in uni!).
please feel free to drop into my asks! i ask everyone to be respectful and kind. hateful language and prejudice is forbidden (racism, misogyny, homophobia, etc.).
my inbox (fish's mailbox) is open for any suggestions and thoughts (please be respectful!).
this is a 16+ blog! most content will be safe to read for all ages, but some content is suggestive. age restriction may be subject to change. i aim to be a sfw account.
i finally had my first real therapy session yesterday after two consultations. as soon as i got into the depths of talking about our time together, i started sobbing. i didn't think that would happen.
i know i'm much more healed compared to where i was a month ago, but i haven't fully got into the details of it before and talked about it fully out loud until now. i felt like i couldn't dump this all on my friends. i felt so silly, too.
i am trying not to think about where he's at in terms of healing and if he's moved on. i should focus on myself, but it's getting harder knowing that he is working close to where i work now. he managed to get co-op even though all circumstances were against him, and he's even working at a really good firm related to my industry. i can't help but feel happy for him, but also terrified but sad. i can bump into him, see him holding hands with someone new, etc. i don't want to see him. i think i already have. before if he was downtown, he'd visit me. we had lunch together one time and he felt so guilty for making me late and that i missed an origami event at work, but i had wanted to meet him, too. now i'm scared to even see him.
i am learning more about myself, and i am also learning i had done something good for myself by trying to meet new people and seek what i needed at the time: companionship. i do not want to be convenient though, especially after realizing my feelings outpaced the framework of short-term. i can't go back to him. we made a decision, and we should commit to it. neither am i comfortable being seen by someone as temporary and only temporary because of my life circumstances and his incapacity to do long distance. there is nothing wrong with not being able to do long distance. it is hard, and i respected him for setting that boundary.
we cannot be together. it still hurts though.
i want to learn how to do things for myself again. i want to appreciate myself again and admire what i am capable of. i want to learn the things i've been meaning to learn. i want to dress myself in the clothes i find cute but know i won't wear because i know i'm too insecure in my body. instinctually, i know i will choose myself, but i want to learn to choose myself over and over again. i don't just want to live for other people, but for me, too.
It’s so very clear you’re a good fit for his buddy Eraser, and he just wants the guy to be happy.
Mic thinks it’s hilarious that Aizawa was assembling furniture the day before you saw his place. There was no sting that apparently you were worthy of the kind of domesticity Aizawa neglected for himself.
Jealous? Nonsense. Mic’s dating someone. Always. A parade of attractive someones - sometimes more than one… up-and-comers, idols, models, musicians, you name it he’s been there. Present Mic does _not_ lack is that department.
Brushed off invites to come drinking always elicit a casual “No worries dude, next time!” After all, Mic can’t blame a man for taking the direct route to sure-fire action: that wouldn’t be very rock’n’roll of him!
On the odd occasion he manages to get his friend to join in a night out, Mic loves when you can come too! The more the merrier! You’re fun! You’re funny! And flirting with you is a sure fire way to push Eraser’s buttons.
Mic certainly isn’t bothered by Aizawa’s unsubtle leering; the way his too straight teeth scrape against your ear as he whispers some secret filth that has your cheeks flushing. How his hands uncharacteristically exist outside his pockets - always on you, always brushing or squeezing or just resting on you - the way your mere presence unfolds him, like one of his broken-spined books.
Mic totally barely notices the way you two always call it early. Nah, you should be getting home - lots to do, he should do the same but someone has to keep the party rolling, ain’t that right?
i blocked him. i feel less attachment, at least right now. i should’ve done this much sooner.
the last post i saw him like before blocking was a dating ideas post. (those were all things i wanted to do). i guess he’s ready to meet new people already. he can, i just don’t want to see it.
don’t let me see it. if you still care even a little about me, don’t let me see it. please.
my ex situationship and i were on the bus home at the same time today. i caught the bus later than usual since i wanted to grab dinner and stop by the library to look up therapy appointments on my work-issued laptop in incognito lol.
yesterday marked one month of us being split up. neither of us have broken no contact. i feel like i keep seeing him every time i’m downtown for work since he’s done school now. i broke down a few days ago bc i thought i saw him with another girl, but i reasoned with myself it wasn’t him. so many people look like him, but those weren’t his shoes or his jacket. i wouldn’t put it above him if he’s already started seeing someone new tho or if that was actually him. i guess he can, i just don’t want to know about it, and i especially don’t want to see it.
today on the bus tho, it was him for sure.
i didn’t see his face thankfully, but i recognized his shoes and his phone case, but it was the pins on his bag that made me go deeper into the bus, but it wasn’t deep at all. when i first boarded, there was nowhere to sit, so i stood holding the pole. right in front of me was him sitting, head bowed scrolling on his phone. then i saw the pin on his bag. then i ran.
idk if he saw me. recognize me. i kept my back turned to him but he had a clear view of me a few stops in since i couldn’t get far away. i bought my backpack on our first date together. he fiddled with the strawberry milk keychain on my bag’s zipper. he’s carried my backpack for me, even on the night he told me he didn’t think long distance would work. i told him i should get a darker coloured bag, but he liked the white one i first gravitated to. i wore that backpack today.
my bangs were pinned back and my frizzy hair pulled into a ponytail for once, so he probably wouldn’t recognize me at first.
either way, we didn’t say a word to each other. we’re just coexisting in the same city until i fly away. i don’t care if he saw me or not. i don’t want to talk to him anymore. as much as i wanted a relationship with him, i realize now i deserve someone who chooses to stay with me, work with me, communicate with me, not let me go.
i think im moving on. a part of me wishes i wasn’t, but it’s for the best. we had our time together. it’s over. it wouldn’t be the same if we got back together.
“it was not mutual.” you’re hovering above your seat. aizawa stares down your accusing finger like staring into the barrel of a gun. “it was anything but mutual.”
“you agreed with what i said.”
“you did not ask me what i wanted. i had to ask you what you were thinking, why you said what you said. ‘we can try long distance, but i don’t think it will workout’?”
you plop yourself back into your side of the booth. “our breakup was like an interview. i asked you why you didn’t want to keep going. not once did you ask how i felt. you drew the line, you made a decision, you did not ask how i felt about it. even if i did agree in the end, it was not a collaboration.
“you and your logic. you listed every reason why we should not be together. ‘it’ll hurt more in the future. i can’t do long distance. i can’t meet what you need. i can’t be what you need.’ bullshit. of course i had to agree.”
when you had made yourself so large, your shrink into yourself now, arms crossed and sinking lower and lower into the booth until he can’t quite see you. “i knew i couldn’t convince you. you already made a decision. you didn’t want to see me anymore.”
you had ended so softly. you had gone to the festival after despite the breakup. you kissed cheeks for the first time and left amicably.
and now you’re here in front of him, fuming and no longer soft. it’s a version of you he didn’t stay around long enough to see, but he’s the force behind it.
he left you, and he left you confused and angry.
“i’m sorry.” it’s quiet, but it feels like he’s searching for air. it’s anywhere but in his lungs. his heart feels tight. “i’m sorry.”
aizawa’s eyes sting, this time not from dry eye. his head is bowed, but he knows you know.
something soft brushes his shaking arm.
your nails are painted a new colour, one he hasn’t seen before. it’s a different formula, too. it’s almost glassy, just like his eyes.
you stroke his arm just like you had when he walked you home that final time.
“it was not mutual.” you’re hovering above your seat. aizawa stares down your accusing finger like staring into the barrel of a gun. “it was anything but mutual.”
“you agreed with what i said.”
“you did not ask me what i wanted. i had to ask you what you were thinking, why you said what you said. ‘we can try long distance, but i don’t think it will workout’?”
you plop yourself back into your side of the booth. “our breakup was like an interview. i asked you why you didn’t want to keep going. not once did you ask how i felt. you drew the line, you made a decision, you did not ask how i felt about it. even if i did agree in the end, it was not a collaboration.
“you and your logic. you listed every reason why we should not be together. ‘it’ll hurt more in the future. i can’t do long distance. i can’t meet what you need. i can’t be what you need.’ bullshit. of course i had to agree.”
when you had made yourself so large, your shrink into yourself now, arms crossed and sinking lower and lower into the booth until he can’t quite see you. “i knew i couldn’t convince you. you already made a decision. you didn’t want to see me anymore.”
you had ended so softly. you had gone to the festival after despite the breakup. you kissed cheeks for the first time and left amicably.
and now you’re here in front of him, fuming and no longer soft. it’s a version of you he didn’t stay around long enough to see, but he’s the force behind it.
he left you, and he left you confused and angry.
“i’m sorry.” it’s quiet, but it feels like he’s searching for air. it’s anywhere but in his lungs. his heart feels tight. “i’m sorry.”
aizawa’s eyes sting, this time not from dry eye. his head is bowed, but he knows you know.
something soft brushes his shaking arm.
your nails are painted a new colour, one he hasn’t seen before. it’s a different formula, too. it’s almost glassy, just like his eyes.
you stroke his arm just like you had when he walked you home that final time.
aizawa’s lips twist into repulsion. displeasure reads so clearly on his face. “why would you bore me? what made you ask that?”
“it’s just—“ you sound like a teenager whining to their not quite boyfriend. “we go on dates, but we barely say a word. we hold hands, you stand so close, you keep looking at my face for some reason, but we can barely hold a conversation.”
“so you think i think you’re boring because we don’t say much?”
your nod is meek.
“i’m quiet. you’re also quiet. as quiet people, we both know very well we don’t need to fill every second with noise.” aizawa’s hand inches towards yours on the cafe table. “but i also see what you mean. i don’t mean to make you feel insecure with my silence. no, you don’t bore me.”
your hand reaches his, finger tips brushing one another. his hands look better today. no cuts or broken cuticles; nails trimmed and nicely rounded. did he take your advice to file them rather than cut?
“thank you. thank you. that makes me feel better.” your head is bowed, lips slightly jutting out. “but i’d like to talk more. we spend so much time together, but i still feel like i don’t know you.”
in a smaller voice, barely there, the cursed words leave you: “i want to know you.”
aizawa laces his fingers with yours, giving a tight squeeze.
the accordion of the bus is a very unromantic place.
it squishes your foot and creaks with a bored moan and you stumble with the floor of the bus rotating under your feet. often, on your ride home from work, you stand gripping the yellow pole staring at the grey fins of the accordion.
but aizawa has rewritten your perspective.
your forehead is pressed against his. aizawa’s shaggy hair brushes against yours, and all you can see is the lower half of his face. it's a pretty sight: the blurry image of his lips and the beginnings of stubble sprinkling his chin. your hand is wrapped around the yellow pole, the other holding aizawa's.
"you can hold onto the pole, you know." his other hand is looped around your waist. aizawa pulls away a moment to properly listen to you. he always looks at you; when you're rambling, when you're walking to the bus stop, and especially when you know he's watching.
"this is okay," is all he says.
so, you stand in the accordion of the bus, foreheads pressed together, both his hands around you and not the safety of the pole. you pull him towards you when the bus brakes; he'd stumble otherwise.
"thank you," he tells you.
you nod, your hair and his shifting under the movement.
you're the very picture of a couple despite being in the accordion of the bus.
what the strangers onboard don't know is that you and aizawa had broken up five hours earlier, but he still holds you, and you still press your heads together.
you didn't want to split, but you did.
"it's the most logical thing," he had told you.
so why does he still hold you?
the walk to your house together will be a long one, and likely the very last.
it is also logical to make this feeling last. to enjoy the last bits of your love together before you part and go no contact.
you will always love aizawa, and aizawa will always love you.
the accordion of the bus is a very unromantic place.
it squishes your foot and creaks with a bored moan and you stumble with the floor of the bus rotating under your feet. often, on your ride home from work, you stand gripping the yellow pole staring at the grey fins of the accordion.
but aizawa has rewritten your perspective.
your forehead is pressed against his. aizawa’s shaggy hair brushes against yours, and all you can see is the lower half of his face. it's a pretty sight: the blurry image of his lips and the beginnings of stubble sprinkling his chin. your hand is wrapped around the yellow pole, the other holding aizawa's.
you do all of this while standing in the bus’s accordion.
it creaks and groans, but aizawa’s hair tickles your cheeks.
"you can hold onto the pole." stubbornly, affectionately, annoyingly, both of aizawa’s hands are on you: one looped around your waist, the other cradling your hand.
he pulls away a moment to properly listen to you. aizawa always looks at you; when you're rambling, when you're walking to the bus stop, and especially when you know he's watching.
"this is okay," is all he says.
so, you stand in the accordion of the bus, foreheads pressed together, both his hands around you and not the safety of the pole. you pull him towards you when the bus brakes; he'd stumble otherwise.
"thank you," he tells you.
you nod, your hair and his shifting under the movement.
you're the very picture of a couple despite being in the accordion of the bus.
what the strangers onboard don't know is that you and aizawa had broken up five hours earlier, but he still holds you, and you still press your heads together.
you didn't want to split, but you did.
"it's the most logical thing," he had told you.
so why does he still hold you?
the walk to your house together will be a long one, and likely the very last.
it is also logical to make this feeling last. to enjoy the last bits of your love together before you part and go no contact.
you will always love aizawa, and aizawa will always love you.
he said he doesn’t want to do long distance bc he had a bad experience in the past. his love language is very much touch (im gonna miss his hugs so much), and he really needs to have that touch. admittedly im the same, but i’ve gotten used to not touching for long periods. i want long distance, but he doesn’t, but he said he’d consider a relationship if i wasn’t moving back to my province or if i knew when i’d be in his province next. i want him to be my boyfriend, but i don’t want to force him to be in a relationship with me.
we agreed ending it now would be better so we don’t have to hurt even more later. he knew i was already hurting a lot, and he was, too, and that wasn’t healthy. he was very mature about it. if i didn’t respect him so much i would’ve whined and begged to keep going. im so lucky i got to meet him.
originally we planned to go to the cherry blossom event. he said i didn’t have to go with him if i didn’t want to. i think he was surprised when i said i wanted to. it was awkward at first. we usually hold hands on the bus, but we didn’t. i know he wanted to. i was surprised he didn’t go on his phone and doomscroll like he usually does. i dont since i get dizzy and he knows.
i warmed up once we got to the park. i held his arm, but later he asked if this was fine, but if i wanted to hold hands we could. we held hands after. normally i feel like my hand fits funny with other people, but it slotted into his like a glove.
the actual event was fun. lots of vendors and food but two of the vendors we lined up at had sold out food, so we ended up getting japadogs. we made silly jokes here and there. the cherry blossoms were beautiful. it was very busy.
we were very affectionate getting home. the train doors almost closed on me when i was halfway through. he asked if i was fine and i was, just shocked. i haven’t used the train here yet. there were no seats, so he held me to keep me steady. we transferred to the bus after, and there were no seats again. we stood in the accordion of the bus and he held onto me instead of the pole bc he’s silly.
there’s a long walk after the bus to my place. it’s seventeen minutes. he always insisted on walking me home since my stop was along the way to his. we were silent.
there’s a house along the way to mine that has a cage full of pigeons. before during one of our other dates, i tried to show him but it was too dark, and it was dark again. i broke the silence and asked if he got to see the pigeons. i asked a follow up question but i don’t think he heard me right. his head was turned away from mine, but he usually looks at me.
earlier, i noticed him touching his face a lot, even at the park. i thought he was just picking at his face or there was something in his eye, but i started to hear sniffling. he was tearing up the entire time. i was shocked. i thought i was the one that was really hurting.
i asked if he needed a hug. he said when he drops me off. he cried the rest of the walk. i stroked his arm.
when we reached my house, we hugged for a long time. i think it was close to ten minutes. he stopped tearing up. if i hadn’t cried so much the day before, i would’ve been sobbing.
he said he was sorry for all the times he upset me. i said it was worth it. he said thank you for being so kind to me. i said ofc. i told him thank you for being patient with me. he said ofc. he said if i ever need someone to call, he’s here. i said if he ever wanted to reconnect, im here.
we said good luck to each other for our individual things. we kissed each other on the cheek for the first time, and he had to part my bangs to kiss my forehead haha.
it always feels lonely when i step inside my house and into my room and he’s just not there.
idk if we’ll ever see each other again or reconnect. we probably won’t. i keep wishing i hadn’t asked what he felt about long distance. i wanted more time, and he said he wanted more time, too, but i really needed to know, or i would keep hurting on the inside. i want to reconnect, there are so many places i still want to visit with him and things i want to do with him, but i should let him grow. i want to be selfish but i shouldn’t. but yeah, we ended amicably.
he said he doesn’t want to do long distance bc he had a bad experience in the past. his love language is very much touch (im gonna miss his hugs so much), and he really needs to have that touch. admittedly im the same, but i’ve gotten used to not touching for long periods. i want long distance, but he doesn’t, but he said he’d consider a relationship if i wasn’t moving back to my province or if i knew when i’d be in his province next. i want him to be my boyfriend, but i don’t want to force him to be in a relationship with me.
we agreed ending it now would be better so we don’t have to hurt even more later. he knew i was already hurting a lot, and he was, too, and that wasn’t healthy. he was very mature about it. if i didn’t respect him so much i would’ve whined and begged to keep going. im so lucky i got to meet him.
originally we planned to go to the cherry blossom event. he said i didn’t have to go with him if i didn’t want to. i think he was surprised when i said i wanted to. it was awkward at first. we usually hold hands on the bus, but we didn’t. i know he wanted to. i was surprised he didn’t go on his phone and doomscroll like he usually does. i dont since i get dizzy and he knows.
i warmed up once we got to the park. i held his arm, but later he asked if this was fine, but if i wanted to hold hands we could. we held hands after. normally i feel like my hand fits funny with other people, but it slotted into his like a glove.
the actual event was fun. lots of vendors and food but two of the vendors we lined up at had sold out food, so we ended up getting japadogs. we made silly jokes here and there. the cherry blossoms were beautiful. it was very busy.
we were very affectionate getting home. the train doors almost closed on me when i was halfway through. he asked if i was fine and i was, just shocked. i haven’t used the train here yet. there were no seats, so he held me to keep me steady. we transferred to the bus after, and there were no seats again. we stood in the accordion of the bus and he held onto me instead of the pole bc he’s silly.
there’s a long walk after the bus to my place. it’s seventeen minutes. he always insisted on walking me home since my stop was along the way to his. we were silent.
there’s a house along the way to mine that has a cage full of pigeons. before during one of our other dates, i tried to show him but it was too dark, and it was dark again. i broke the silence and asked if he got to see the pigeons. i asked a follow up question but i don’t think he heard me right. his head was turned away from mine, but he usually looks at me.
earlier, i noticed him touching his face a lot, even at the park. i thought he was just picking at his face or there was something in his eye, but i started to hear sniffling. he was tearing up the entire time. i was shocked. i thought i was the one that was really hurting.
i asked if he needed a hug. he said when he drops me off. he cried the rest of the walk. i stroked his arm.
when we reached my house, we hugged for a long time. i think it was close to ten minutes. he stopped tearing up. if i hadn’t cried so much the day before, i would’ve been sobbing.
he said he was sorry for all the times he upset me. i said it was worth it. he said thank you for being so kind to me. i said ofc. i told him thank you for being patient with me. he said ofc. he said if i ever need someone to call, he’s here. i said if he ever wanted to reconnect, im here.
we said good luck to each other for our individual things. we kissed each other on the cheek for the first time, and he had to part my bangs to kiss my forehead haha.
it always feels lonely when i step inside my house and into my room and he’s just not there.
idk if we’ll ever see each other again or reconnect. we probably won’t. i keep wishing i hadn’t asked what he felt about long distance. i wanted more time, and he said he wanted more time, too, but i really needed to know, or i would keep hurting on the inside. i want to reconnect, there are so many places i still want to visit with him and things i want to do with him, but i should let him grow. i want to be selfish but i shouldn’t. but yeah, we ended amicably.
aizawa knows when you’re really mad at him, you walk ahead. no handholding. no hand looped around the inside of his elbow or squeezing admirably at his bicep. it’s your back facing him five paces ahead with your arms crossed protectively over yourself that he knows he really, really fucked up.
and he knows why.
you’re leading him downhill towards the park, the one you mentioned you visit when you’re sad or to draw and journal.
he knows it’s for the former.
when you do find a table, and you point at the bench seated across from you rather than beside, he feels his heart leap.
he didn’t mean to hurt you.
“why?”
your arms are crossed. you’re doing a good job of keeping your head high, but he sees how your lips tremble. you’re so shy, so sweet. he wants to hold you, coo sorries and smooth your hair, but he knows it’s the last thing you need.
so he stays stiff like you need him to be.
“why what?” out of context it sounds mean, but his voice almost gets lost to the wind.
we are going to a cherry blossom event this weekend and im going to his house to watch a movie this thursday idk what’s gonna happen but maybe a kiss hahaha.
went to his place today and we spent all day together.
towards the end instead of kissing him i had the genius idea of asking what he intends on doing about us if he does get co-op outside the province. this would fast track our situation even faster than my current co-op by 4 months.
he said he would try long distance but he knows it wouldn’t work out. then i got quiet. tried to not cry in his face. he asked if i was fine. i said i was upset with what he said but it made sense. he walked me to the bus. now im home.
