❤️

[spiritualseeker777]

[smasuo]

This holiday season feels really hard.

[smasuo]

.

It's been almost three months. Every month is hard but I'm not sure I'm ready to face 4 months without you. I'm getting anxious about it. It will have meant we passed your due date. Passing it almost feels like the "end" to this horrifying chapter. Sweet RJ, it will never be over for me. I know that you will always be in my heart & on my mind.

I want to spend every second talking about my child who didn't get to stay. I know that it makes others uncomfortable & I'm approaching a point of no longer caring. I think people miss that for a grieving mother, it's hard to wade through the silence. I want to talk about my son like every other mother. I want to share my few photos I have of him.

I don't know why I started writing today, just felt like I needed to get this out of my system. I'm just tired.

[smasuo]

I am so sorry for your loss

To whoever sent this, thank you. <3

The acknowledgement of my grief means more than you know.

[smasuo]

I’m just a fuck up. My insecurities make me fuck up. My grief makes me fucked up. I fucked up having a baby. I can’t do anything right.

[smasuo]

My baby died. Please do not find the silver lining, the life lesson or the solution. My baby died.

So many people try to show their condolences by trying to solve the grief. You cannot solve anything. My baby died. There is no life lesson to be learned, no silver lining to see.

What I need is to sit in the silence. To sit with my grief. I need to cry & move through all the emotions to honor my baby. I need my baby to not be forgotten, to not become an unmentionable. Please don't think you are reminding me of my dead baby. I think about it 24/7, I will never forget. Talking about my baby brings me comfort, like his memory is still alive & I'm doing right by him in honoring his memory.

[smasuo]

Tumblr, I alway turn to you when thing in my life seem difficult. So here we are again.

Wednesday, September 13, 2023, I gave birth to our sleeping son.

I'm not ready to share our story but I know that I'm not okay. I feel so many different emotions surrounding the loss of our son. He was the most beautiful baby I've ever laid my eyes on.

I'm struggling with the idea that my baby couldn't stay & I don't get to join the proud band of mothers showing off their newborn photos or chatting about their sweet baby all the time. Instead I worry about making others uncomfortable with me talking about him or sharing photos of him.

Normally I try & take the time to ensure my blog posts are thoughtful or witty but this one will just be. Just be raw. Live in my scramble of a mess that's in my head now.

[smasuo]

Hello again

It's been awhile since I've been on here and in the last 30 minutes I think I realized why.

At the time I was using tumblr heavily, I was dealing with lots of emotions surrounding some of the people I was with at the time. I can clearly remember exactly what happened in those moments and start to feel the hurt I once felt.

Even after a long hiatus because I was happily with someone, I revisited tumblr to vent out my frustrations when things started to get tough with him too. In rereading some of my posts, it seems like I was lost and really just trying to find myself.

As I come back to tumblr, mainly because it's less mainstream as it used to be, I'm glad to have been through what I've gone through and come out on the other side a better human.

So here's my homecoming <3

[talesfromtreatment]

Poplar Bobble von Weeble has absolutely no right to be this photogenic or have such an excessive amount of ear.

[mykidjustsaid]

The “Kill ‘em with Cuteness” school of martial arts.

[smasuo]

How did I get so lucky with such a handsome date 😍 Congratulations to @rheapantaleon and @phaisolvo ! Thank you for inviting me to share your special day! ❤️ (at Black Diamond Gardens) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bxokf2vBynU/?igshid=deh1p2kvieko

[smasuo]

Happy Birthday, @sam_ton I love you and feel so blessed to spend another birthday with you. You are so sweet, funny and caring and deserve the best birthday. ❤️ https://www.instagram.com/p/BvsQXt2lCp8/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1rz5me0hkawax

[smasuo]

Happy Birthday to my kitchen partner in crime, @mistaboss 🥳 Thank you for always having my back and being the definition of family I get to choose to have in my life. Thank you for always accepting my pettiness and encouraging it too. Hope you had a wonderful birthday! Can’t wait for this weekend! I say this every year but we really do need to take more photos!! https://www.instagram.com/p/BvTEWAxFipV/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1vajlmq6ou0qi

[smasuo]

Sometimes I really forget how lucky I am. This entire month has been really hard for me and you’ve stepped up to the plate to be my unwavering positive force to keep me going. Thanks for surprising me on Valentine’s Day and then proceeding to help me shovel snow from my driveway and pack my entire house. I cannot begin to explain how blessed I am to have you as my boyfriend, best friend and person. I love you sm, babe. Thank you doesn’t even begin to cover how grateful I am for you. ❤️ https://www.instagram.com/p/Bt-cKRgFPY_/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=143q1ghipcfg1

[clintfbarton-deactivated2025012]

Bonus:

[smasuo]

ASTROWORLD 📍 Tacoma Dome #wishyouwereheretour #travisscott #smasuo2019 (at Tacoma Dome) https://www.instagram.com/p/BtSQhE9lNqj/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=t17oj4emc326

[smasuo]

Dec 2008 ➡️ Dec 2018 🤔#10yearchallenge https://www.instagram.com/p/BspLj94lR7x/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=37c07xsxuc2v

[smasuo]

Whidbey Weekend was a success. Spending time just relaxing with some of my favorite people. #whidbeyisland #peepthatalbumcovertho #makingtheband #shenanigans #familyovereverything #smasuo2019 (at Whidbey Island) https://www.instagram.com/p/BsUjPvgF6hE/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1j2tt3b0yflpk