I'm a mess.

C-PTSD, IBS, adrenal fatigue, synesthesia (I like that part), and a dash of autism. Feel free to ask questions! Oh, and I'm a slytherin.

[smaugtheasexualdragon]

You know what sucks? My little brother gets abused by our parents on a regular basis: physically, emotionally, verbally. He even told his principal "my parents beat me," and she reported it to child services, but child services actuallt called my dad and told him, "hey, we got this report, but we know you're a great guy, so we're not going to investigate."

Why?

Because my dad is frickin COP.

Because the law enforcement where I live - from the cops to the courts to the child services - is corrupt as hell.

I'm not saying that it's this way in every department. I'm not saying that all cops are corrupt.

But my dad is a prime example of how some cops prosper from a messed up system that prioritizes protecting its own over the most basic elements of right and wrong, a system that will let a child be brutalized rather than prosecute its own.

It's effed up.

[smaugtheasexualdragon]

Without a Moral Compass

One of the more bewildering effects of escaping a religiously abusive situation/culture has been this total confusion as to how to decide what's right and what's wrong.

Growing up, I was always told that morality was impossible without God. And I believed that for long enough that it became true for me. I know now that it's not true - most of the best people I know are athiests. But I was trained to ignore any moral direction that wasn't Biblically sourced, so now I personally feel like I've lost my moral compass.

And it's certainly not made any easier by the crushing guilt and anxiety that comes from doing anything. I can't ask, "does this feel like I'm doing the right thing?" because the answer is ALWAYS "no."

I can't wait to be able to tell the difference between right and wrong for myself.

[smaugtheasexualdragon]

Kids are the best

Yesterday, I was at the park with my 4 year old friend. There was this boy there who was a few years older than her, wearing a sith lord mask. For a while, she was terrified of him, especially since he'd periodically chase her around the playground, exchanging feral screams with her.

Then something switched. She picked a bunch of flowers and slowly but deliberately approached Sith Lord Boy, until she was about five feet away from him, nervously half-hiding behind a play structure, and thrust out her boquet to him. His whole demeanor changed; he approached her with immense gentleness, raised his mask, and accepted her gift. And just like that, they were friends.

It was the most beautiful conflict resolution I've seen.

[smaugtheasexualdragon]

My husband, who's straight: I just don't get homosexuality. I mean, good for them, but I don't understand the attraction.

Me (I'm ace): And that's different from heterosexuality.... How?

[smaugtheasexualdragon]

good luck with moving! if being away from your parents and hidden from them makes you safe, i’m so happy for you! don’t let them ruin that, and keep your chin up💖 you’re doing amazing

Thanks! ❤

[smaugtheasexualdragon]

I’m moving to a different city soon, and I’m excited to have an opportunity to make sure that my parents don’t know what my address is.  I plan to avoid telling them that I’ve moved at all for as long as possible, but I don’t know how long I can do that for.  I just hope that I don’t end up getting manipulated into giving them my address after all - I’m scared that I might.  The idea of being hidden feels so much safer.

[smaugtheasexualdragon]

Flashbacks and Recovery

Here’s an encouraging thought:

My counselor explained to me this week that when one has flashbacks, it’s actually their brain’s way of trying to help them recover.  The brain recreates the memory in question in an effort to allow us to create new, safer associations with the memory trigger.  It doesn’t always work, ‘cause you need to be in a recognizably safer situation and have some sort of grounding going on for this process to work, but, ideally, flashbacks will actually contribute to recovery.

That’s not to say that flashbacks don’t suck.   Because they really, really do.  But this information gives me hope at least.  <3

[smaugtheasexualdragon]

A year and a half since I've seen my dad, and I'm still terrified that he's lurking around the next corner or gonna show up at my apartment. I wish I could watch him die so I'd never have to worry about him finding me again. I'm just so tired of always being scared.

[smaugtheasexualdragon]

A rather rushed pride unicorn I made for a friend.

[smaugtheasexualdragon]

Representation Questions

So I'm working on creating characters for a comic book idea I've had bouncing around my head, and I've been wondering stuff about how to correctly handle representation.

I want to be inclusive with my characters (in terms of orientation, gender, race, ability, etc). But it seems like there's SO. MANY. WAYS. one can accidentally stumble into some sort of faux pas, accidentally perpetuate a stereotype. I should probably include here that I'm a white, cis, ace, woman. It's probably also important that I'm on the autistic spectrum, which -for me- leaves me prone to not understanding cultural nuances very well. I do try to educate myself, but I think there's still a lot I don't see. I want to get stuff right. I want to be inclusive. I don't want to perpetuate systemic biases. But the only experience I'm very familiar with is my own fairly privileged experience.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to navigate this well?