Jokes On You. @smithdylan - Tumblr Blog

☏ (For Ellis)

Dylan tried to wait patiently for the voicemail on Ellis’ phone to pick up. Knowing he wouldn’t answer was no surprise, considering this was a regular thing between them, but tonight she was in a slight panic. If the pool of water standing at her feet and running down her leg wasn’t enough, the severe cramping had her cussing the father of her baby under her breath.

When she finally heard the beep, she made sure to let Ellis have an earful, all while explaining how the most important day of her life was about to be solidified in her short history on this planet:

Ellis, you motherfucker. I hate you so fucking much right now.

Letting out a loud yell into the phone, she clenched her stomach in pain as she tried to breathe through the current contraction.

I don’t know where the fuck you are, but I need you! You’re about to be a fucking father. This little fucker has been living inside of me for five fucking years and your spawn is finally ready to crawl out of my vagina, so if you don’t get your motherfucking lazy pothead ass home right fucking now, I’m having this baby, blood and all, on your clean beige carpet!!!!

She cried out once more, before ending the call, needing an ambulance more than Ellis right now.

#ellistotheblake #*future voicemail*#Anonymous

packing-it-up

Zoey Deutch as Peg in Buffaloed (2020) dir: Tanya Wexler

#photos

mia--riley‌:

“Damn…” Mia was silent at that comment, the girl trying to picture what this guy could possibly look like and if he did, in fact, fuck like a horse. She could tell that her comment had some kind of effect on the other girl though, her smile turning up into a smug expression. “You sure it’s just the demon spawn that’s bothering you about it? Cause if that’s all just point him out to me and let the fun begin.” She wasn’t kidding either, if the guy could screw the way she was claiming he could she was so down for an experimental session…just without the breaking condoms.

The idea of someone else fucking Ellis wasn’t sitting well with Dylan at all, and the shift from a smile to a smug grin on this girl’s face seemed to be rubbing her the wrong way, “I don’t know. He’s a fucktard, but...” She rolled her eyes in frustration, “Yeah, I’m gonna have to play Indian Giver and say I’m keeping the dumbass. Besides, he’s bad luck anyways, so first time you guys went at it, you’d probably end up looking like me, too. I know he’s got an idiot friend, if you can get past how big of an asshole he is. His name’s Jason, and he’s the walking epitome of a frat boy douche. Just let me know if you want his number.”

#mia--riley #although seeing mia and ellis have sex would have been an interesting para

arimillendaily

smithdylan

arimillendaily‌:

Tatiana Maslany at the ICM Partners Pre-Emmy Brunch on September 16, 2018.

#photos

ellistotheblake‌:

“What the hell do you think I’ve been doing?” He yelled after the girl before she slammed the bedroom door, Ellis rolling his eyes before glowering at the stupid wood that was separating them. If he had known sleeping with this damn woman would cause so much damn grief he would have found someone else to pork that night instead. “This is ridiculous.” With those words Ellis walked into the bedroom and slammed the door once again. “Look, I don’t like you and you don’t like me but unfortunately we’re stuck with each other now. If you could lose the bitchy fucking attitude I will try my damn hardest to stop being such a dick…most of the time. Deal?”

Once she heard the door open, she turned over to face the wall. She didn’t want to look at his stupid fucking face. She had come into the bedroom to be left alone, not to hear him spout off and yell at her once again. Tears continued to stream down her face and onto the pillow, “Whatever. Just go.” It was all she could say. All she wanted to say. She would try to be nicer to him, but she wasn’t going to make any promises, because he could be just as much of an asshole as she could. And on top of that, his stupid ass friend had moved in with them making the entire situation even more awkward than it already was.

#ellistotheblake

mia--riley‌:

“Mr. Mighty Dick? Is it huge or…” Mia was confused now unless the girl was talking about his potency. “That’s insane by the way. It’s a proven fact that men who smoke on a regular basis can;t produce enough sperm to get a woman pregnant. Maybe he is Mr. Mighty Dick. Modern science would have a lot of fun with him. I could have a lot of fun with him too if he’s called that for a different reason…uh, you know, if you’re cool with that and all…I guess.”

“He fucks like a damn horse in heat. What can I say...I like it rough.” She shrugged. The idea of science experimenting on him was one thing, but this girl suggesting something more somewhat rubbed Dylan the wrong way. Sure, she hated Ellis at times, but she did, deep down, still love him. Never had they mentioned if they were exclusive or not though, “I mean, I’ll be frank. I kinda am and I’m kinda not. Could just be because he’s the father of my soon to be demon spawn. But if you want to poke and prod him for science, then be my guest, I guess.”

#mia--riley

ellistotheblake:

“Are you actually calling me Mr. Mighty Dick right now because yes I do take pride in that. And I can guarantee that there are no other mini me’s running around. Most of the other bitches were smart enough to get the after morning pill.” Ellis grew quiet as she started to yell, a rare moment for him indeed, but even he knew that right now wasn’t the time for a smart remark. Biting down on his bottom lip, he looked away from her as she turned her back to him and gripped the kitchen counter in front of him. “Well, you’re stuck with me now, Dyldo. Mine as well get used to the fact that you’re going to be raising a fucking kid with the world’s biggest fuck up. Congratulations.”

Dylan was tired of hearing him speak. She just wanted to be left alone. All they did was argue and while she didn’t want to bring a kid into the world at this moment in time, she didn’t want it to always be in a hostile environment either, “You know what Ellis...just go fuck yourself from now on.” Wiping her eyes, she walked out of the room and slammed the door to the bedroom. She couldn’t handle arguing with him right now. She was done. Throwing herself on the bed, she closed her eyes hoping all of her problems would at least go away for a few hours while she slept.

#ellistotheblake

mia--riley:

“I’ve heard that people feel differently after actually having the spawn but I choose to believe that’s just something they say to make them feel better about the emptiness that their lives have become…no offense.” Raising her eyebrow, she grins. “Permanently stoned? He sounds so fun though. How’d you end up with him?”

“I doubt I’ll feel anything for the demon I’m going to be popping out of my vagina, especially if it looks like fucking Ellis.” She cringed at the thought of a tiny Ellis clone coming out buzzed and laughing like a jackass. “You know, that’s what I thought too, until Mr. Mighty Dick broke the condom. School. I bought pot from him for a while. Then we started getting together and fucking and the rest is history.”

#mia--riley

mia--riley:

“Trust me, I think God knows me enough that he’s probably made it to where I’m infertile anyway. Has to have with all the close calls I should have had by now. And I would not be one bit upset about it.” Glancing down at the girl’s stomach, she grimaces before trying to smile at her. “That’s not….too long.”

“Lucky. Trust me, after this one, I’m not squeezing another soul out of my vagina. Fuck that.” She sighed. “And yeah, it is long. Nightmarish long. The father’s a piece of dog shit too. If you ever come across a guy that looks permanently stoned, stay as far away from him as you can.”

#mia--riley

ellistotheblake:

“Yea, well you were the one who kept moaning ‘harder’ because apparently rough is your thing.” His voice mimicked hers as the word harder left his lips, eyebrows lifting with the shit eating grin that was forming. “I’m not taking full responsibility for this shit. There’s a lot of things I will admit to doing wrong but this isn’t one of them. You’re as much apart of this mistake so shut the fuck up and stop blaming me…at least stop putting the full blame on me. Besides, I’m not denying that I knocked you up, I’m just saying that I get to treat you like shit if you’re going to treat me like the scum of the Earth. If you hate me so much then why the fuck did you sleep with me in the first place?”

“Not rough enough to snap a damn condom! Do you take pride in being Mr. Mighty Dick? Because if so, I’m sure you’ve got a bunch of other mini potheads running around in the world, and this demon child in my belly won’t be the first.” Dylan was infuriated, but somewhere she knew she was to blame too. She had ran out of the pill a few weeks prior and hadn’t gotten around to going to get a refill on her prescription. Of course, she also didn’t expect Ellis to fuck her so hard the condom would break, but it was Ellis. “I just...fuck me. I DON’T FUCKING KNOW.” She couldn’t explain why she had fell for him. He was dick who lived for weed, and now, he was going to be the father of her child. Tears coming into her eyes, she sighed and turned away from him knowing that if he saw her cry, he’d lord it over her.

#ellistotheblake

mia--riley:

“Cheese omelets? Oh my god, remind me to get my tubes tied if that’s the shit you have to deal with while pregnant. When are you predicting that you’ll be able to eat good stuff again because I’m going to take you to get the biggest bacon cheeseburger we can find in the city.”

“Yeah, do it. I highly advice it, because this is already a nightmare, and it’s just begun.” She glanced down at her stomach and the life growing within it. “I’m sentenced to this bullshit for another 8 1/2 months...” She looked to Mia with annoyance in her eyes.

#mia--riley

ellistotheblake:

“You’re going to be highly disappointed if you think I’m going to bow down to your every whim for the next nine months just because you got knocked up if I didn’t even have to be nice to you to get into your pants in the first place. Besides, it takes two people to make a kid, Dylan, you fucked up too.”

“Uh, I wasn’t the one who broke the condom now was I? Guys think they’ve got it so much worse when a woman gets pregnant. Well, news flash, Dumbass. You don’t have to waddle around for 9 months puking, gaining ridiculous amounts of wake, all while growing the Devil’s spawn in your belly. So excuse me if I’d like for the fucking father of my child to take a little responsibility and not be such a piece of dog shit.”

#ellistotheblake

ellistotheblake:

“Just don’t start asking me to go get you some kind of pickle mayonaise concoction in the middle of the night. I’ll probably be too high to do it anyway and pappy aint about that life.”