You lose a lot of people living the life we did.
I should have never listened when they told me to just leave her. That you'd take yourself down and I didn't want the guilt of being part of the process. I should have never left. I should have known you needed help, and most importantly you needed me. I should have given up and gotten sober right then and there. I invited you to my party. You said, "we should go halves on an eightball," and it was nothing, bet. "I'm clean but one more time won't hurt it's your bday we're celebrating, it's not like it's Heroin.." It wasn't then, but eventually it would be again. And all that would be written was that you passed from a brief illness -- But it wasn't brief. It was years of pain, you'd seen leading up to this. I ended up pushing you away, I'm proud of myself for saying that I didnt want to be apart of your relapse, but they were someone else's words. When I finally left, you reached out to me. You missed me, but I still kept you at a distance. Had I only listened and realized how true when that bitch put an end to me and you that I was too soft for this life. I had a heart and it was no good. Id be stepped on. Id be walked over. I couldnt handle it. I cant blame myself anymore for what I did/didn't say. I can't cloud my mind with thoughts of what I didn't do and expect to change it. Nobody will ever be you. . I never really sat with the weight of what you meant to me.
You told me I was young. I'm the same age now as you were when you said that to me. You told me I needed to get away from all this, that I didnt think it was a problem, but you were also once me.
I wish I could have been you sometimes because living with the regret of leaving you when I know how strong now that I can be is drowning me. All these things I've done for others out of regret, all the times I hurt myself, or others hurt me I thought that I deserved it, but I never really understood myself enough to know what I'd need. And what I need is to stop trying to fix others because it kills me inside that I couldn't fix you. I thought you were better. I thought I was a bad influence. I thought if I left you would be better off.
I let others mouths control my thoughts. I nees to stop replaying the pain of losing you every time I meet another broken soul. I cant save everyone, and each time it hurts more and more. I cant hurt myself anymore. I'm sorry for what I didn't do for you, but I'm better now and what I need most is me at my best.
So I'll sit with this all for a while, but I know I need to let go. I'll remember all those little things about you. I'll remember when we first met, and I'll remember our last goodbye. I'll look at the photos and watch the videos. I'll keep you safe inside my mind. I cant pretend you were never there. I will live with this every day for the rest of my life.
But I will live.
