I’m really scared about mentioning this even anonymously but I just really want to tell someone.
I’m a pedophile. I’m mostly attracted to girls between the ages of roughly 2 and 11. I went to prison for child pornography. I’d been watching it for a long time at least a decade. I’m out now and off probation. And yes I now realize how bad and harmful it is and I really regret what I did.
For my whole life the way I always dealt with my feelings was by talking about it or writing about it online. Communicating with other people helps me work through my thoughts and conflicted emotions. But it feels like I can’t do that when it comes to this stuff. No one wants to hear from some convicted child sex offender, no matter how remorseful they are. I tried talking in a lot of different places online and would always get banned pretty fast.
What I have to say is important even if it’s just important to me. But I think other people could benefit from hearing a first hand account from someone like me. It can educate folks about what child pornography is actually like and take away many of the misconceptions and the mystique surrounding it. The reason all that stuff exists is because of all the secrecy and mystery and lack of accurate information out there. I have this opportunity to help sort out my own thoughts while also helping educate others. But I can’t do that.
Think about it. Where could I talk about this stuff openly and honestly? Nowhere on earth no where on the internet would allow it. So this just has me frustrated.
Hmm, this is an interesting one for sure 🤔
Well I do think there's value in a testimony like that. Sometimes the ugliest subjects are precisely the ones people understand the least, because the people with actual firsthand knowledge can't speak about them plainly without being banished on sight.
Not to tell you how to do things, but if you ever do start to write about your experiences, I would really, really strongly suggest you do so without any details that could potentially be used to locate CSAM ("Child Sexual Abuse Material," this is the preferred term for "child pornography" now). In other words: no detailed descriptions of how to find that sort of material, no descriptions of filenames, etc.
Just try to always remember that these victims are still out there and if you are truly remorseful then you should want to do everything in your power to protect the survivors by preventing people from seeking these materials out.
Beyond that, the second issue is one that I have no solution to: having something worth saying does not necessarily mean you have a place to say it. I mean you can't possibly be surprised that no company, no organization, no website wants to be associated with that sort of material?
Well, then again I say that, but I'm running into this same sort of issue myself when it comes to ever potentially making these archives I'm compiling public lol. And I'm also sort of always naively surprised when I get banned from some place. So idk what to tell you on that front.
Best solution? Well, at least for now, maybe finding someone to talk about this privately with, like a therapist, support group, private online community - there's several of them out there for pedophiles who want support to make sure they don't offend.
