basic (true) story: fanatical russian monk who has almost never shaved or washed and smells like goats shows up at the russian capital with a creepy look on his beardy face and everyone just assumes heâs a prophet or a saint because heâs got a cult following that believes he can cure illnesses. his stans are sexually obsessed with him and he gets just a fuckton of russian pussy wherever he goes cause apparently he can cure his true believers of illness with god-given dick magic. russiaâs queen has him come stay at the palace and sets him up in luxury because she thinks he can cure her sonâs haemophilia with the power of russian goat jesus, and they (allegedly) become lovers, probably, âcause she craves that unwashed goat-scented dick like the rest of his cult which she now (allegedly) belongs to.Â
then the worst assassins in the history of assassinations try to assassinate him, because all of russia is slutshaming the queen he has too much power over the royal family and itâs helping revolutionaries turn people against the royals. so these idiots have him round for tea and cakes which are poisoned with cyanide, but he is magically unaffected by poison they get the dose wrong and he doesnât die, and then he drinks three glasses of wine, which are also poisoned, and he doesnât die, so they tell him to look at a crucifix and shoot him in the chest with a revolver when he isnât looking, and he doesnât die, but they think heâs dead so one of them dresses in his clothes and gets driven to his apartment to make it look like heâs gone home to hide the crime, and when they come back he gets up and attacks them, so they stab him in the side with a knife, and he doesnât die, and then he frees himself and runs outside, so they shoot him a few times more, including in the forehead, and they wrap his body up and chuck him in the icy river, and he doesnât go into the water, so his body is found on the ice the next day. and get thisâŠ. he diedâŠ. of hypothermia.
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