I don’t owe anything to anyone except myself. And because I know that, now, I’ve decided to say one more thing on this account before I put it out of my mind completely. This tumblr account, I mean.
I don’t like to vague post, not where people that are part of it can see. I’m going to do it purposefully now, though. Not that I expect anyone to read this exactly, but more because it gives the opportunity, and that’s what I’m willing to hold out.
This spring, I’ve cut a few people out of my life. None of them initiated with me (my roommate in college had a very liberal-haha politics joke- view of how I should take care of myself, and even blocked one person on her own), but I didn’t make a terribly active attempt to argue.
The person that was blocked, but still in my phone’s contacts: I didn’t realize at first. And I didn’t know how to unblock a number for a while more. Even once I figured out how, I didn’t unblock them immediately. I was scared. It’s a person I’ve always had a strange relationship with, and I didn’t know how to explain what happened or what I wanted to come of talking to them again. I also didn’t know if it was healthy for either of us. I eventually unblocked them and we spoke briefly. I still don’t know what’s going on, and I still don’t know what the smartest thing to do is, but that is a person that I can’t just leave. That person is someone that I feel I need to make an effort to at least provide closure for, even if we never speak again. As long as I know that they’re going to be ok, I’m happy with the result.
Another person was... incredibly toxic. For a long, long time. And maybe it went both ways, or maybe it was more a them than me problem. Maybe it was more a me than them problem. I don’t know. But, I know that they were always hard for me to handle. They took their anger out on me- a lot. They got angry at me and were VERY passive aggressive. A lot. And it made me sick. Physically, it made me ill. I was in and out of the bathroom, I was shaking.. I was not okay. I can’t have people being that angry at me, it SCARES me. I was not ok. It was not ok. And most of the time, I don’t think I did anything wrong. We have a lot of cultural differences, and maybe we couldn’t understand each other completely, but I tried. I tried to be understanding and patient and not get super offended all the time. But it’s hard when you’re being talked down on, and the courtesy wasn’t extended back to me. This is a person that I loved, in some way. They’re absolutely brilliant, and I know that it will take them far (even if they don’t believe it themselves), and they’re VERY passionate about a variety of things. I admired that, I always have and I always will. We would sit and talk for hours while we both did different things, and I miss that dearly. Some days I’ll sit and wish that I could ring them up and we could play games together or just chat. I don’t, it would be a terrible idea. They were always stressed, they have a lot on their plate to deal with. I wasn’t the person they should have taken that out on. They felt incompetent at times- a lot of times- and while I’d try to cheer them up, it was impossible with all the other voices that wanted to drag them down. That’s terrible, and it sucks because they didn’t deserve it, but I didn’t deserve for that to be taken out on me, either. They were very easily offended, and would get super mad at me, but if I was upset it was more a ‘get over it’ sort of thing. I was going to go cry in the shower? “Ok, go do that”. If I had an opinion that didn’t match, I couldn’t speak up about it because they’d get annoyed with me. It was hard trying to keep them happy- and honestly I shouldn’t have tried. I couldn’t make them happy. No matter what I did, i could never make them happy. And it wasn’t my job to. But I wanted to. On the other side, I was stupid. I couldn’t carry a conversation with them on the level of intelligence that they wanted me to. I’m not from where they are from, so I don’t know what they find offensive or a compliment. Hell- they got mad at me once for something I said, that was apparently an insult. I thought they were joking most of the argument we had, because in my eyes it was the most RIDICULOUS gibberish. Because that’s how I had meant what I said. As gibberish. I saw something on the table and I used it in a sentence, it wasn’t malicious and had no double meaning. It literally meant nothing, but it was a huge problem, for some reason. But when I’m upset, I deserve it, somehow. And when I try to express myself, I’m victimizing them and I’m in the wrong... but if I don’t express myself I’m “not being a friend” because I don’t tell them everything. I was raped this spring. I was telling the story over and over and over again, to people I HAD to. To people part of the system that was supposed to punish him, and to the people that were forcing their “help” onto me. To the people I thought needed to know because -hey, one of them SHARED A ROOM WITH HIM- they deserved to. I didn’t want to talk about it any more, I wanted to forget a little bit. I wanted some sort of safe place to escape and be nerdy and not feel... like I did. But, I also don’t like to lie. I don’t do it. When asked how I was, or what was new... I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to lie, either. So I tried to say something simple to get around it and hopefully get to a different topic completely. It’s something I admit to doing often, even before this spring, but I don’t think I’m obligated to talk about everything that bothers me, all the time, whenever someone asks. Just because they’re a “friend”. Sometimes I have nothing to say, but I want to say SOMETHING because I like talking to the person. I try to explain that, but... Anyway. They went off on me, because I didn’t spill my guts. And I was so annoyed, so through.. because I didn’t need the stress. I already couldn’t eat, I already couldn’t sleep or walk to class while feeling safe. So, I left. I deleted them from where we spoke. I couldn’t do it, then. I still don’t think I could do it. I don’t make them happy, I know that. It doesn’t make me happy to keep desperately trying. And finally, one of the many reasons I don’t use this tumblr anymore. I’m not responsible for anyone’s mental health, but my own. Period. If I do something, or am something, that triggers you or makes you upset enough to be destructive- please just don’t talk to me. Unfollow me, don’t speak to me. Why are you coming to me and TELLING me that I make you do things? I have never asked anyone ever to do anything bad to themselves. I never wanted it. If you can’t take care of yourself, and I don’t even really KNOW you? Don’t come to me like I owe you to take care of you. Because I don’t. I’m sorry, but I don’t.
That’s it. This was long and maybe unnecessary, but here it is. Dunno if anyone will actually read this, but I don’t really care. Like I said, this was for me, so I know that I at least put this here. That’s it.
