If youâre reading this, chances are my attempt to leave the world via carbon monoxide poisoning has been successful. Assuming it was, my death would have occurred in the early hours of the 28th August 2018 in the South Lakeland region of Cumbria, England.
If you happen to be religious, please pray for me to be treated compassionately in my next life, as I will be praying beforehand for this as well, as a relatively quick and painless death, despite my lack of religion.
Many people say suicide is selfish. To those, I would want to ask: is it not also selfish to expect someone to live, when existing seems to them intolerable?
None of us ask to be born, but we can decide when to die and in my eyes that right is fundamental; a human right, just like any other.
People stigmatise death, especially voluntary death, because to them it seems the most terrible thing they can imagine. To that, I say, what is so bad about death? The universe is so very old and will continue to exist long into the future, perhaps indefinitely. So why does it make a difference if someone dies at 20 or at 80, provided their life was not taken against their will?
As an autistic, I long for a world where autistic people can exist happily, but Iâm not sure this can ever happen. I have pretty much given up on the world at this point. Itâs not designed for people like me.
So who am I in this world? An autistic, chronically depressed, jobless, homeless in effect waste of space who was born into a female body but probably isnât. Born to a teenage single mother, raised by a grandmother who is now dead and fated to a life where anything I attach to will be my undoing.
Dying isnât something alien to me. I first began to think about suicide around the age of 7. As a child, I was intelligent and had a seemingly bright future, but that rarely translates into the adult world.
The only thing I really regret is losing the two people closest to me. Mostly, however, I am sad about losing hope, for it is only hope that keeps us going.
Iâm also tired. To quote The Green Mile, âIâm tired of people being ugly to each other. Iâm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world everyday. Thereâs too much of it. Itâs like pieces of glass in my head all the time.â
I attached this picture, since I never got round to posting it:
