Venting on this acc bcs I have no one to talk to and bcs no one will see anyways :)
TW(?): ‼️ possible mention of suicidal thoughts ‼️
I just hate myself. Most days I’m okay, but there’s these times where I just think about myself and my life and the next hours of my day is ruined. I can literally feel my thoughts pressing down on me. Like what the fuck am I here for? I just.. lie in bed, all day, every day, I’m homeschooled and my mom doesn’t even put in work to teach me, and I’m not gonna put in work to teach myself because I don’t fucking wanna. I have no friends, no social life, I feel like I have nothing. Yes, I have family, and to some people, sure, family might be all you need, but me? Ive always yearned for friends. I can’t even be myself around most of my family.
I don’t know how. I always feel so out of place. If I’m not around my mom or grandma, I feel like I’m putting on a mask. Mostly because the family I’m usually around are pretty closed-minded and make me a little nervous because they’re not as mellow as my mom is.
I used to be so happy. I used to be creative. I used to feel smart. I used to feel like I was a kid, and that I could be one. I used to think life wouldn’t put me in as many challenges as it has so far. I used to think it was all worth it. Now I don’t. And the thing is, I’m too scared to die to do it myself. Every time I think about it I get a feeling of FOMO (fear of missing out.) I just want friends. I just want someone to love me. Someone to love. But then every time I think about a relationship, I just get this sense of fear. I could’nt handle getting cheated on. I couldn’t handle getting broken up with. And I know that. I know I’d kill myself if someone I put my whole self into were to just throw it all away for another girl, or break up with me, whether it was me or not.
That’s one thing about being self-aware. You know what and how’d you react. It’s like you know yourself better than anyone else, but more than you’d like. And being self-conscious. I know every single thing I hate about myself but can only name two or three things I love, and love is an overstatement. I always feel like shit, and I always feel like I LOOK like shit. I wanna do things other than sitting on my ass all day, but I just can’t. My mom doesn’t go anywhere, my grandma doesn’t either. I’m always in my own little bubble. A bubble of insecurity, hate, longing, anxiety, and turmoil. Is this what all teenage girls go through? I’m about to turn 15 in may, and my auntie brought up the idea of having a party this year. I don’t WANNA have a fucking party. I hate birthdays. Well, mine. Anyone else’s is worth it for the cake.
I don’t like my birthdays because people will watch me open the presents. I don’t give a fuck if it’s family. I already feel like there’s eyes on me constantly in public, why would I wanna feel that way on my birthday? I hope I don’t sound entitled. I’m just aware of how I’ll feel, and I’d rather be comfortable on my birthday. And I also have a lot of trouble with expressions when I’m around anyone other than my grandma and mom. You know when you’re opening present on Christmas and you fake reactions when you open it? Depending on what it is, of course. I’d rather not want to feel like I wanna get my birthday over with as soon as possible. I wanna ENJOY it. I’m turning 15! Like that’s so huge for me. And what presents could they possibly get for me when I’m too scared to share my interests with them? My mind revolves around masculine woman. Both my aunties are gay, but how am I gonna explain how much I love mascs as a 14 year old??? And the only other interests I have is Arcane, and I rather them not look into the show, or worse, watch it.
Like come on! I can’t be myself, and I hate it. I hate feeling so misunderstood whenever it’s not that big of a deal. It makes me feel entitled. HOW am I supposed to explain that my favorite things are learning about the holocaust and weird, vintage shit and shopping with money I regret having anyone spend on me? And one of my aunties usually get me clothes, and the clothes she gets are like. Well like I’m 8. I’m not 8. That auntie is like.. one of those people who make you feel like everything and anything they do FOR you is an inconvenience. It’s exhausting to be around her sometimes. Like, I love her but DAMN. I don’t know. There’s never anything that goes in my life that’s big and positive.
It’s always big and negative. But when something positive comes up, there’s always something that makes me overthink it. Come onnnn.
But I think that’s all, I’m done. Thanks for reading, if anyone does.