Lauren Rose @snoranlauren - Tumblr Blog

It’s Earth Day today, remember to be grateful for what you have! And be kind to the planet and those you share it with :-)

Hey guys! I just wanted to share something new and exciting with you. I have started a pasta blog! It has about 4 recipes up. I post every Sunday. I am currently looking into making it into my own domain but it’s a small process and I am very busy. Currently my blog is sayyestopasta.wordpress.com but look out for some change within the next few months. It is all up and running so follow if you are looking for some good pasta recipes.

www.sayyestopasta.wordpress.com

:-)

#sayyestopasta #pastablog #pasta #blog #wordpress

Mid-year update

Well, we can start with the fact that I finished my first (!!)(techinally my 2nd) semester of college and I did not sign up for summer classes due to

1)Gus and I are moving soon

2)I am unemployed and want to be completely available to work any time what-so-ever (ill explain later)

3) My grandma is coming to her end and I want to be there when it happens. We are close and I do not want to miss out on saying goodbye

4)My Mayhem got diagnosed with spinal lymphoma and I just cant afford a semester of classes right now

Anyways-

l went seasonal at my really good high paying job for a bakery that was brand new (needed a fresh start). Turns out, one of the partners was embezzling money and the company took a huge downhill spiral within one month of opening- laying everyone off, including me. Again with the bad luck, huh? So yeah, currently unemployed and unable to get unemployment because turns out the company was shittier than I thought and was paying me under-the-table and printing up fake W2s.

Other than that, I have been exploring religion a little bit. Not sure if I would call it religion, actually. More like spirituality. The art of taking in every day, one day at a time. Minimizing the stuff I own, the stuff I want. The stuff I need. Learning to soak up the rain and the wind. The sun and the moon. Stones are strangely helping? I recently purchased a mala from Swallowthesun on Etsy and when I received it, I felt immediately empowered. Strange. It was a feeling I have never felt before. I have not meditated with it because, in all honesty, I do not know how. But I am researching natural remedies and really looking at chakras and the Buddhist religion. All of that fascinates me. Not necessarily rejoicing a higher power, but believing you are the higher power. I, myself being my own center makes more sense to me than someone/thing else being that for me? Probably doesn't make sense because I have having a hard time explaining exactly what I mean.

I have also had tons of urges to travel alone. A girl I worked with went to Thailand all by herself and while talking to her, it brought up feelings of desire to find myself in an isolated situation like traveling alone. I finally feel centered and happy. I think that traveling alone would be good for me. Being alone would be good for me. I sometimes feel as if being in a relationship holds me back from all of my personal potential. It defiantly does not take away from my life, because that is my choice and I dont think I could leave Gus with all the love I have for him but sometimes I wonder what it would be like. And I do not think that is wrong. It is a longing that I feel I could fill being with him. We could always travel together. I could always go somewhere on my own and have him to come home to.

As far as my relationship goes, Gus and I seem to be doing good. Ever since I left my high paying, stressful job, I have found myself so much happier. I do not come home angry. I do not wake up angry. I do not find myself as jealous as I was. I feel free from all the madness inside of my brain. All the control I wanted to have is gone and it has improved my relationship a great deal.

I really dont know what happened to me. I woke up one day when I was visiting my family and decided that I had hated that job- and that I had hated how angry I was with that job. So I made the choice to leave. I do not know if leaving that job was why my attitude changed or not, but fuck- I am so grateful for how internally happy I am right now. I know I am unemployed and broke but I am so damn happy. I wouldn't trade my situation for the world right now.

I also gained weight. SURPRISE! Sitting at my all time highest weight ever, I am still happy. The world is still turning and I am living my life for the rain, XXL pizza in bed and all-you-can-eat cold watermelon.

If life is not treating you as awesome as it is me, then I suggest you go outside- take in a giant breath of fresh air and appreciate the sunlight. Life is only as bad as you truly believe it to be. C’mon - we can all do better.

****Although I have made the conscious decision to not blog on tumblr that much, you can follow me on instagram @snoranlauren

REALLY REALLY LONG UPDATE

As this year seems to slip right out from under my feet I figured that while I have a second to myself, I would write a life update. More like a yearly update. An update on what has happened with me this past year and how I plan to make changes for next year.

This year has probably been one of the most stressful, depressing years of my life. I even believe I was more depressed this year then I was of all of the years I battled with anorexia. This year, 2015, has been my “mid life crisis”. I know that this may seem stupid to you, considering I am very young. But when 2015 rolled around I had no goal to improve myself what so ever. I told myself “this will be my year!” Thinking that things would stay the same and I would just improve with my skill, financials and my relationship. That I would be completely fine with not moving or changing jobs. But I was wrong. As soon as February hit, I began to crave a big change. Mind you, I am a person that needs constant change. When I feel as if I am not bettering myself to my fullest potential, I demand change. I continued to live the same life up until April- when I had this idea that if maybe I worked less, I would be less stressed and get to improving some of myself on my own. In June, I stepped down from a pretty high position at my job working 5 days, 40+ hours a week to something they call “full time reduced” working 32 hours per week and doing the same thing- just without the title. I was doing OK after this. I ended up having to train someone who was awful to fill the position I had just stepped down from. It was hard because I like to think of myself as an organized, OCD about my work kind of person and this lady was not that. I had to give up control and even though that is something I am completely OK about now, I had an extremely hard time watching the process of her replacing me.

Then, my cousins wedding came around in June. It was the most beautiful wedding I had ever been to. Up in the mountains. Amazing food, music and venue. The groom made a speech about being with my cousin for 5 years. and it hit me. Gus and I just celebrated 6 years together and we have no plans on getting married. I spent all night sipping on 45 year old wine thinking about how Gus does not want to marry me. After few months of this thought eating at me, I finally said something to him. With tears in my eyes I asked him why he doesn't think about marrying me, or why we don't talk about getting married. He said hes young and doesnt want to get married until hes in his 30s. For a while I contemplated on how much I needed him. Should I leave someone who shows no interest in our future? Or should I wait it out?

When I was working, I couldn't wait to get a day off. I was very depressed. All I wanted was to sleep my life away. But when I had my day off I felt useless. Like I should be doing something. Like who has free time? How am I ever going to get where I need to be with free time on my hands?! I felt I was wasting my life away so on a quick, spontaneous, desperate decision I signed up for college. Business AS major. Starting in January of 2016. Signing up for college is something I never thought I would do so for a little bit, it took the thought out of my head that I was doing nothing with my life. Because I signed up for school so now I am doing SOMETHING with my life, right? Even if I am not doing it now, it is set in stone that I will be doing something EVENTUALLY. Yay. Something to look forward to? Finally.

Our lease ended in August. I wanted to move but we could not afford to. I wanted to move out of the sheer desperation of change. I felt could not live in these same walls for another year. I could not sleep in the same room or watch TV in the same room because it felt used and comfortable and I wanted nothing more than a new start. So one day on my day off, I moved everything around. Completely around. I moved my living room into my master bedroom. My master bedroom into my office. And my office into my living room. I was in such need of this change that I did it myself. I moved the bed, the couch, all the furniture. Gus came home and was shocked. I felt better for a little bit.

My dad came down a few weeks ago and I was telling him about some of these feelings. How I have had extreme depression and anxiety. How I need change constantly and Gus wants/needs stability. I was telling him that I do not feel like I am where i am supposed to be. I feel like i need to be doing more. And he said to me “Lauren, you have always felt that way.”

2015 has been my hardest year yet. The only true word I can describe 2015 as is ‘lost’. I am lost. Less lost now than I was 4 or 5 months ago. But still lost. School is coming up in a little over a month and i’m hoping that will start 2016 off right. My goal is to get a bachelors degree in Business so I can open up my own bakery at some point. My debt is less and less each month. That makes me feel good and independent. I am baking 4-5 times a week. It is my therapy. Does it kill me that I have amazing ideas and no where to put them? Yes. But I will get there in time.

My 2016 goals are 1) To get the fuck off the internet. Yes, bye bye Tumblr- I don't need this anymore. 2) Learn to live with peace. Whether that is inside of myself or enjoying down time.

Now, I can say that 2016 will be my year, but I wont. My luck is too shitty for that.

#life #2015 update

joneswilder-deactivated20180624

Mint

November 2013

cowgirlofficial

starlight-and-promises

Some days you just have to say ‘fuck it, I did what I could today’ and just let go of all the stuff you wanted to do. Life is too short to be angry with yourself for being human.

constantine-spiritworker (via constantine-spiritworker)