Tearbottle

recently heartbroken 24yrold lesbian | blog for thoughts I cant post anywhere else

[snowdropthoughts]

i find myself a little ashamed

i went on a couple of great dates with someone

who fit all that i look for in a partner now

i made a list, after you

bitter that it all seemed so unattainable

knowing they would have to fight my want for just You

those dates didnt work out, but i wished they did

and it feels like betrayal

ridiculous, but i usually am

[snowdropthoughts]

almost a year now

i miss you

days pass with noise and laughter, hugs and work i love

but silence still underlines your absence

i trained myself to never mistake it, when i used to know youd eventually be there

now it just hurts

the lighting in my room now is so warm and comfortable

i keep wishing you knew

i miss you

i miss you

[snowdropthoughts]

I havent posted here in a while and while i cant say im over it im quite well medicated, got a great job now and revived a lot of my most important friendships and hobbies...it still hurts a lot and i cant feel anything for anyone else rn but Im at least actually living, I didnt think id survive, much less keep my posture after running into her (it did break me for a few weeks)

I guess this is me telling myself from a year ago that we were able to weather the worst of it, that we bent and bent and bent but we didnt die, somehow?

[snowdropthoughts]

It's quite funny, really.

I saw you again, outside a record store

Your disregard, pretending i didnt exist...

It really helped me recoil from missing you

It would be...useless

[snowdropthoughts]

i wished i didnt believe you when you said you still loved me

as you dropped my heart to the ground, as you said you’d regret this forever

maybe if i thought it was a lie i could understand

how someone who loved me decided to push my face to the ground

step on every last one of my nerves and pains to see if i broke

months of tears, of thinking myself too difficult and out of my mind

all while you loved me, all while you saw me love you through it all

[snowdropthoughts]

everyone congratulates me for forcing myself to give up on you

im sure you would too

so why does it feel like betraying myself

when you made sure it was the only thing i could do

[snowdropthoughts]

i hate that you’re still the most wonderful woman in my eyes

they tear up from the indignation at having to hold that fact alongside the one that accuses you

as the unsatisfied beneficiary of my pain, my trying to be small and easy to deal with to little success

i wished i could say i wouldnt forgive all your crimes if only you held me after my cries turned silent, but you didnt, so i have noone to absolve

only silence and regrets that project your image on my tears that never seem to catch on to the fact that you turned away months ago

[snowdropthoughts]

I couldnt have built a home on the shaky foundations of your conviction

I see that now, after it fell apart on me already

[snowdropthoughts]

i was too blinded by my pain and your silence to see your distress

i couldnt see your efforts, i could only see the way that having to do them at all made you hate me

i know im better off without someone who gave up and ran away from me

since even while i was breaking i couldnt fathom not wanting to fix this with you once i found my words

but i wished you had the guts to stay, i wished i wasnt so easy to abandon in favor of a complacency of silence that keeps you miserable and only with yourself

[snowdropthoughts]

struggling between “i didnt ask for too much at all” and “i should have asked differently, at another time, i should have changed it since she broke up with me over having changed anyways”

i just want to sleep

[snowdropthoughts]

It hurts so bad to see the way I let myself get lost

in wanting you to look at me for just a second longer

Started watching a show i never ended getting into but was right up my alley around when we started dating

and it felt like all my joints were atrophied

people change specially with the influence of others, its irrational to think i wouldnt change with you there

it just brings me to tears to know the amount of change, of looking away from things i enjoyed, is much bigger on my end than whatever change you did

and its not a brag, its a wail, because it was for nothing, misguided and pleading

and now i cant recognize who i was, i cant get a feel for who i am without you yet

i cry for the me that didnt watch this show before, since thats not me anymore

[snowdropthoughts]

training myself to bring you up less

when you were there i was happy to be the boring taken girl

i was happy

now i have no excuse for ignoring the fact that noone likes a haunted girl

it makes me more miserable anyways

[snowdropthoughts]

once she told me the entire drama behind a taylor swift album and critiqued her for always singing about marrying people with fake rings because if they were worth taking seriously the guys would have proposed for real

and i went all sweaty and light headed asking for reassurance that OUR fake rings i got us a year prior meant something for real and she said “yea we are a marriage in my head” and then broke up w me a week and a half later lol

needless to say her love for swift’s music and my evil moment of sympathy for her in this scenario make going shopping a very triggering scenario

[snowdropthoughts]

what am i missing when i cry when i notice you’re not there?

today i had wisdom teeth surgery, and cried, i begged my brain to think of other people, characters i love, to give myself strenght

afterwards, i found myself with a swollen mouth eating ice popsicles and my heart ached

knowing the one i wished was here was you, only you, noone else would soothe my pain and tears like you

but you never did

for years id be sick or in pain and you would be sadly, inevitably absent, and id understand, for the one time you were there you had no choice but to leave for business

so what am i crying for? a comfort you wouldnt have given, an insufficient text of worry, a longing to match my pain

just as i long now, so i guess i just cry for myself

for the hope i had back then, that maybe it didnt mean i couldnt depend on you

but it did

[snowdropthoughts]

i wont say you dont deserve my time, my heart, my thoughts

i gave them to you for a reason

i just wished now that you’ve rejected them you could just give them back

im so tired of sharing my life with the ghost of someone who thought it was worth losing me without a care

[snowdropthoughts]

finally watched the movie Id been asking you to promise to take me to when it came out for over a year, but without you

kept opening my mouth and closing it, knowing exactly what id say if you were next to me, avoiding looking for a reaction that ill never see

I loved going to the movies with you, i loved watching your face with the screen lights coloring your eyelashes

wished id known when the last time was, a sad part of me wishes it was until after this, a sadder part is glad i get to keep this movie to myself, since you clearly didnt want to be there in the end

[snowdropthoughts]

its hard not to feel a little pathetic

when the things i miss the most

are the ones that you rarely did