Poly Pan Hippie Chick @so-momable-blog - Tumblr Blog

johnnyjoestarrelatable

hallmark movie

woman: i have a high paying job in new york city that i love and christmas isn’t that important to me

her black friend: you need a MAN

woman’s dad: come to the small town,, we are suffering without a baker for our town festivale

woman: ok dad

man: i harvest maple syrup for a living and make 2 dollars a year

woman: :/

man: will you harvest maple syrup with me…

woman: i’ve decided i hate my job and i’m going to resign myself to making christmas tree ornaments in fuckberg for the rest of my life

take-a-dip-in-the-deadpool

This should have been prefaced with “we forced a bot to watch 1000 hours of christmas movies”

crazyintheeast

Petition for Netflix to do a reverse Hallmark movie. A housewife from a small town has to go on a trip to the Big City due to some inheritance issue(her husband of course doesn’t accompany her because he is a lazy ass). In the process she finds out that she fucking LOVES the big city. She loves the possibilities, the culture, the life,the night life,

She also just happens to find a job she loves, decides she doesn’t actually want children, that she hates going to church, that she never really liked either her or her husband’s families

And then her angry husband calls her:

husband: where the hell are you? You were supposed to be done with this b.s two weeks ago? I don’t have any clothes. Mom had to come here to do the laundry and she is so pissed at you. You better be here to prepare Christmas dinner!

woman: Actually dear I decided not to sell my great aunt’s flat. In fact I decided to move to the city. Also the reason I am calling was to tell you that I am filing for divorce

husband:you bitch. you will regret this. i will leave you penniless

women: actually dear in case you forgot dealing with the finances was something you considered beneath you so all the bank accounts are in my name. but don’t worry. i’ll leave you the house. maybe now you will actually bother to do the repairs I have been asking you to do for years. merry Christmas. All tell your mother to go fuck herself

breatherunlive

That is a Christmas movie I would watch.

riphuntertimemasterlegend

@incendiaglacies Thought you’d get a laugh out of this.

so-momable-blog

Honestly not unlike the second act of my life #butItookthekidstoo

microbe

so-momable-blog

Damn, I thought this was garlic

dangered

manmachine986

“Spank her Until she cries Or cums Or both…”

— Original writing © ThePoeticSir 2017 (via thepoeticsir)

so-momable-blog

Yes both

afromemetics-deactivated2018010

when he tightens his grip around your neck

steven universe

Y r y’all like this?

I need to go there!

POST THESE WHILE YOU STILL CAN TO STICK IT UP TUMBLRS RAM SLOT

thatfunnymeme

so-momable-blog

So glad I’m a woman 🤣💦💦💦

trashprinxe

I have $24 to last me til Friday, what should I buy with it?

transhuman-priestess

a pallet of ramen noodles

trashprinxe

I hate ramen noodles tho

transhuman-priestess

hmmmmm bees?

trashprinxe

Are you suggesting that I eat bees for a week

vanishinginthepark

This is roughly what I make sure I have in my kitchen all the time along with rough estimates of local prices (MN). I buy a lot of things when they’re on sale and stockpile them.

instant oatmeal packets with fruit in them - $3 probably and this can be breakfast all week and maybe even a lunch or dinner too since you usually get 10 packets

bag of rice - $2-3 depending on size. 1 cup dry rice makes enough for about two meals depending on what you add in. if you get cheap rice, rinse it before cooking

canned beans - usually under $1 per can - mix the can with your rice and you have a meal. chili-spiced beans will make bean tacos. Rinse non-spiced beans before adding to anything.

Tortilla - usually around $3 but you get like 8-10 of them. Tacos, wraps, and quesadillas are all fair game here

lettuce - $2 max around here, either a head of something or bagged precut depending on preference, use as a salad or on tacos

protein other than beans of some sort - probably $5-7 for meat, $2-3 for eggs. sometimes I can get bags of frozen chicken breasts in this price range and each is usually 2 meals if I add in a bunch of veggies. fry/scramble eggs and add to any of the options.

your favorite stir fry sauce - $3ish

vegetables - $5ish. literally anything that you can 1. fry in a pan and 2. you’ll eat. fresh carrots are usually pretty cheap. get frozen if it’s cheaper and you’re strapped for cash/prep time on this part.

alternative to stir fry: pasta (~$2), fresh tomatoes (~$2), cheese (~$3).

cheese and fruit if you have extra - look if your store has loyalty cards for free that you can load coupons on for cheese there’s always one it seems like.

trashprinxe

ahh thank you!!!

hagar-972

Reblogging because there’s never knowing who’ll need it.

Adding also: the single most nutritious food on earth is potatoes in their peel. Potatoes + some milk and butter = everything you need. They don’t last all that long, but they’re fairly cheap and the quickest cheat to “How do I not fuck my body up.”

(Cooked potatoes’ll last a while in the fridge. Potatoes nearing the end of their useful lives? Cook them to half-done first, figure out what to do with them later.)

Easiest baked potatoes: slice thinly but not paper-like, spread like cards, brush with oil (a silicone baking brush is totes worth the little it costs), spread salt and pepper (a little less than you think you’d like), cover with foil, stick in oven or toaster-oven at 150C for 40min. (If you have the patience, at that point click up to 180C, remove the cover and add 10-20min.) Reheats well, lasts in the fridge longer than it’ll take you to nom.

Dead-Animal-Free Whole Protein: some legumes + some grain. AKA rice and lentils, or rice and beans. (Maybe some fried onion for flavor; onion’s cheap and stays good a descent while. Fried onion makes everything taste better and keeps forever in the freezer, so frying up a bunch and keeping portions is not a half-bad idea.) (If going for the beans option - lentils are cheaper around here but fuck if I know what it’s like in your area - dump some tomato sauce and oil in; canola or soy are best health-wise, and far cheaper than olive; avoid corn.) Oh, what does instant couscous go for in your area? It keeps for fucking ever, it’s usually cheap, and it takes well to any and all added taste.

If you get to choose, black lentils taste the best and need the least soak-time (0-20min), green lentils are best for cooked stuff and red lentils are best in soups. (Red lentils + potatoes + root vegetables of choice + spices; cut into small pieces, cook, run through the blender if you wanna [stick blender’s awesome], freeze in portions.)

When possible, get instant soup mix. Get the good instant soup mix. (The kind that’s not made primarily of sugar, yeast or both. The rest is optional.) Dump 1/2tsp (or more, but start on the low end) into couscous, or chicken, or sprinkle over potatoes being stuck in the oven. Whatever. It’ll make most cooked-food-type things taste better. And again, lasts forever on the shelf.

If you can have eggs (goodness knows they’re sometimes expensive), dump some tomato sauce in a pan (tomato sauce lasts forever on the shelf), add some oil, onion/beans to cook in it, hot peppers if you wanna, then when it’s nearly ready crack an egg or two in. Hard-boiled eggs last a remarkably while in the fridge, so when eggs reach near the end of their usable lives, just hard-boil and stick in the fridge. (Have eggs as often as you can, particularly as you have brain-shit going on. You need all the eggs, salt, and 60%-or-more chocolate you can get. Brains are made of cholesterol and salt, so folks with neuro or other brain shit need more of both. Potassium is also aces. You know what has the most potassium? Tomato paste.) Grated cheese keeps in the freezer for ever. Grated cheese will make a lot of things taste nicer. Preserved lemon juice keeps forever in the fridge. Grated cheese + oil + lemon = instant and awesome pasta sauce that’ll liven up the weeks-old dry pasta in the fridge. Slices bread also keeps well in the freezer. Try to have half a loaf or a loaf. Dry bread gets cut in cubes, mixed with oil and the aforementioned instant soup, stuck in oven at lowest until properly dry, then kept in an airtight jar to add to soups. (Over-ripe tomatoes come cheaper. They get turned into soup or sauce, then frozen in portions.)

anextremelysadmeme

this is a very good post but why are we glossing over the fact that the alternative to ramen is bees

sunreon

i have it on pretty good authority that bees are not an affordable eating alternative to ramen.

camwyn

Seriously, bees are expensive

taraljc

Trufax.

And speaking as someone who is also living off oatmeal, beans, and brown rice, if you need recipes, I have them!

Today I made 16 bean soup with chicken sausage and it was crazy good and I got 8 servings out of the one batch (froze half). I usually get the cheapest beans I can find, and GOYA bags of beans are usually $1-2. I soaked them overnight,rinsed them, and threw them in a gallon lidded saucepan with 2 boxes of chicken stock (also on sale for $2), two bay leaves, sauteed green pepper, onion, and celery, some garlic from a jar, about two tablespoons of dried herbs de provence,and the “fancy” bit was adding $6 bourbon and apple chicken sausages. You can actually sub veg stock for chicken and skip the sausage and make it vegan and it would still taste great.

Oh and I’ve been doing steel-cut oats. I don’t buy the name brand ones, I just pick whatever store brand/generic I can get for less than $4. They take about ½ an hour to make, but they’re super tasty and I make 2 cups of dried oats at a time with dried cranberries and that’s breakfast for 4 days at least.

I’ve also been making black bean soup, red beans and rice, and curried potatoes and chick peas. I got 100 quart and pint take-away containers from Amazon for $20 and they all stack neatly and are perf for one serving of whatever.

amireal2u

Additionally, depending on where you live, whole rotisserie chickens are something like $4-$7 and are easily 4 - 6 servings of protein and on TOP of that, if you stick the carcass in a ziplock bag and then the freezer you have excellent soup makings. Using bones in soup literally squeezes all viable vitamins and minerals out of the suckers. Soup made from lots of bones is great to keep around if you get sick, it’ll feed and sooth you relatively easily and as you get better you can add noodles. ON TOP OF THAT, a quarter to a half cup of soup broth added to a lot of dishes also adds those nutrients PLUS flavor.

jmathieson-fic

Here’s my “How to eat for a week on $30″ post.