diary of an alcoholic

I can be described as many things, and an alcoholic is one of them. This is my journey to placing recovering in front.

[soberbarbie-blog]

sorry

Sorry I have been MIA. Still sober, just trapped in my own thoughts. Screaming to get out but no one can hear. Sobriety is lonely I am learning.

12/03/2018 0032

[soberbarbie-blog]

thin line

Sometimes I wonder if I am getting better sober or worse? I may be sober but mentally I am in hell. My anxiety has been eating me from the inside out. But here I am. Still alive. Still sober. I guess that’s what matters, right?

10/11/2018 2010

[soberbarbie-blog]

hello darkness my old friend

The nothingness is taking over. I feel purposeless and numb. I slip back into the warm comfortable place that is nothing. It is only comfortable for a moment then I realize where I have returned to. It turns to my own personal hell, I am trapped inside myself screaming to get out, to feel something. Anything.

09/19/2018 0925

[soberbarbie-blog]

revenge

As human beings we often feel that we must wrong someone else to heal the pain we experience. We may lash out at a significant other because someone was rude to us at work, or snap at our children because another driver cut us off in traffic. While wrong these are usually little more than a misguided release of emotion. When we actively seek to bring harm to the one that brought us harm we land on revenge.

I have suffered at the hands of others time and time over. I have been lied to and my name has been spoken with acid tongues. Two times I have been raped. I have had hands laid on me and words said to me that I would wish on no one. The people who have committed these acts are people deserving revenge. Some of these people I have taken revenge on and some I have just dreamt it.

When you hurt another there is a ripple effect. My abusers did not just hurt me, they played a role in who I hurt after that. I became a shell of the person I once was and this influenced my actions. I let the anger and hatred fill me and rule my life. I hurt those around me, even if they had never done anything but show me love.

I continue to hurt people, but gone are my revenge days. Sobriety has given me a clear mind to know if I inflict pain I am no better than the ones who brought pain upon me, I want to be better. I do not want to intentionally put more pain and suffering into a world that already has too much.

09/16/2018 1731

[soberbarbie-blog]

change starts with you.

[soberbarbie-blog]

ponderings

When I stopped drinking people used every combination of words possible to ask me the following- when are you going to start drinking again? Initially I shrugged it off because it was almost laughable. I was the party girl so it was unthinkable that I would go any true period of time without drinking. I wasn’t going a day without so what reason did they have to believe I was really done? The more distance I put between my last drink and I the more this question started to hurt me. Why did people have so little belief in me and was I nothing more to them than a drunk? Was I just a series of alcohol fueled anecdotes to tell their coworkers on Monday mornings? Honestly I don’t blame them if they did think those things, they weren’t far off from the truth. Still hurts just the same though.

09/07/2018 1909

[soberbarbie-blog]

I have always struggled with the necessity to feel as though I’ve accomplished something. I feel more calm when I am able to check things off my to-do list. Unfortunately there are days it’s too hard to do anything, so I don’t. Those days I accomplish nothing causing me to feel bad about myself which leads into another day filled with lack of motivation and self loathing. I know how damaging those thoughts are and that I must be more kind to myself so I got to thinking. A metaphorical lightbulb flicked on and I remembered that I am accomplishing something. Each day I wake up and make a conscious choice to stay sober again. I have to recommit to my sobriety every single day. I have more baskets of laundry to fold than I care to admit, a dishwasher full of clean dinnerware needing put away, carpet covered in crumbs, and a head of hair in desperate need of a wash. I also did not drink. I may not have checked any of my to-do list boxes but I am sober, and guess what? That’s good enough.

09/05/2018 1942

[soberbarbie-blog]

pain

no one really tells you what happens when you get sober. they just tell you you have to and things will be so much better when you do. no one tells you about the hole you are left with. this isn’t a new hole, it’s been there all along. it was simply plugged with liquor bottles and beer cans. it may not have been a perfect plug and there was still some leaking but it worked, at least to the point that you could ignore it. take away those bottles and cans one by one and you’re left staring at a gaping hole threatening to unleash what lies within. my hole is the pain I have suffered, the pain I have never truly confronted. at least not in a healthy way that is, pain and I have certainly had many late night talks over many more vodka tonics. now it’s just pain and I, we have no fuzzy vodka buffer surrounding us, no loud music at the bar, no one making a fool out of themselves to distract us from one another. I am hurting and I do not know how to fix it, I want pain to go away. I want my life back and pain just won’t let me have it.

09/04/2018 2139

[soberbarbie-blog]

never would I have thought

when I began this journey I never thought I would make it this far. I never thought I would stop craving alcohol. I never thought I would truly feel better. I am months in when I thought I would not make it more than a week. I have bad days and turn to something positive to cope instead of a bottle of vodka. I am starting to become a happier person instead of constantly hating who I am. never would I have thought I would be sober, but here I am, sober.

09/03/2018 2238

[soberbarbie-blog]

isn’t it ironic?

I am not proud to admit the following. I drove drunk for years and years. Blacked out drunk. So drunk that I don’t know how I even found my car to get in it and drive it. I was lucky enough to never harm anyone and I also never got pulled over. Tonight, completely sober, I got pulled over. Isn’t it funny how life works?

08/18/2018 0218

[soberbarbie-blog]

today I needed to remember why I stopped, and why I need to keep going. I am getting better and I am healing. healing is a slow process, one that ultimately may take a lifetime. I would rather spend a lifetime healing sober, than one hurting people drunk. I am getting stronger and healthier each day. I am building a life worth living for. 08/16/2018 0137

[soberbarbie-blog]

I wish

I wish I had never stopped. Everything is too hard. I feel everything too much and I’m left with nothing to numb the pain.

08/15/2018 1839

[soberbarbie-blog]

struggling

so much inside my head and so hard to reach out. I would rather just numb everything with a drink. or two or three or until I don’t remember how much I’ve had or why I started. how can I be so apathetic and so emotional all at once?

07/31/2018 1349

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one month. 07/23/2018 2023

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i miss you

I am starting to miss drinking. Starting to want to give in. It is embarrassing to tell people, I think I should be stronger. Being sober has made my life easier I just wish the choice to be sober was equally easy. I am anxious and feel foggy. This. Shit. Sucks.

07/22/2018 1838

[soberbarbie-blog]

this is essentially how I feel about alcohol. I love the taste of alcohol, I love the lack of inhibition, I love to drink. I love it until reality sets in. the reality of how much money I spent, the reality of the hurtful things I said, the reality of who I slept with this time. I hated the person I became and, with help, I am slowly learning to love me again. sober me. 07/19/2018 2201

[soberbarbie-blog]

silly little victories

As long as I can remember my legs have been covered in bruises. Huge black and blue marks that I would never remember the origin of. Recently a coworker shared an article with me. Essentially it said the effects of alcohol on your body make you more likely to bruise. This weekend I realized I don’t have a single bruise anywhere on me. I am getting closer to happier and healthy every day.

07/18/2018 1953