I had this just the other night. My bf and I always go for a walk every night after our other obligations. I normally will text him with “I’ll head your way in SPECIFIC# minutes” or “around SPECIFIC# time”. This time, I hadn’t much idea how long I’d be, so I let him know I was “leaving momentarily” at the time I started getting ready to leave, then “heading out now” when I was out the door.
The time between the two messages was about 15 minutes (I honestly wasn’t tracking). When I arrived, he was frustrated because if he’d known it would have been 15 whole minutes, he would have finished his exercises instead of putting them off. I suggested we could wait while he finishes, but he just said he already got his shoes on, just head out. He wasn’t yelling, but he was brusque.
I quietly apologized and felt immediately like I wanted the ground to just swallow me whole. I could hardly take another step. I didn’t want to do this walk anymore, but I went on.
He talked a bit about this day then noticed I was a bit off and asked how I was. This was maybe 5-8 minutes after we started out. Normally, I wouldn’t say anything. Similar (but more intense) experiences with my mother proved that bringing it up, especially while still emotional, could just escalate things. It’s also not the first time we’ve had a misunderstanding about timing, and this sort of scenario has happened before, making me feel like accepting responsibility for my lack of time awareness. But I was already rehearsing this convo in my head as we walked, and I knew I had to say it.
I started to say again that I think it’s best when this happens, that he finishes what he started instead of letting me interrupt, and it’d be better off for us both. He heard the shakiness in my voice, realized how his reaction had made me feel, and immediately apologized, gave me a soothing hug, and made sure I was okay to keep up the walk before going on.
It’s sooooo hard, because we don’t want to feel bad, but we also really don’t want others to feel bad. But if they really care about you, they’ll understand or at least accept your feelings. If anything, they may even be grateful you said something so that they are more aware in the future of the effect they have.
I know my bf cares about me - I’m never given reason to doubt it. I just need to remember that fact in these moments and use it to communicate with him. We both have behavioral struggles that are better worked through aloud than in silence.
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