Lucifer Whittle

❄ a teenager learning to love herself ❄

[sociallyawkwardpessimist]

Hello again!

I’m not sure how many of you still follow me here but a lil life update- I’m working on a lot of writing projects lately so here are a bunch of places you can find me on:

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sociallyawkwardpluto/

I write long captions about life, love and everything I can think of.

Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/user/awkwardpessimist

I have 5 published books on Wattpad

Wordpress: https://wordpress.com/view/sociallyawkwardplutoblog.wordpress.com

This is where I blog, other than Tumblr.

So, I guess catch up with me there. It’s been nice on Tumblr!

[sociallyawkwardpessimist]

Storms are better than droughts

Sometimes, I wish there had been a fight. I wish all the tension that was built up had been released and we hurt each other bad. I wish we had hurled insults at each other; those insults we had sworn not to ever use against each other. I wish everything ended terribly and we had a legitimate reason to point out and say: yes, that's it. That's why we didn't make it. I wish we gave reasons to hate each other so that one of us wouldn't be held up in the memories. I wish it had ended for good, with a surety that we'd never be civil to each other again but somehow we are here now. Somehow, I'm left here with a million questions in my head that I'm too afraid to ask. If we'd fought, at least we would've said all the things we wanted to say but we bit our tongues. I wish we'd ended on bad terms because then, maybe I would've gotten some kind of closure. All those little memories and inside jokes, I wonder whether they still cross your mind. I wonder if you think of me, not everyday but randomly, when you see the dog we'd petted together on a Saturday evening after school. There's a part of me wondering whether you're thinking about how we lost touch too because I can't bear to think that I'm the only one held up in these memories.

[anaghaswiftie]

to all the self-harmers out here…

you’re probably self-harming because of a million reasons neither you nor i want to go into because it’s personal but that’s cool. i’m not here to issue some general advice like, “just pull yourself together” or “look at how many gifts you have in life, why are you doing this to yourself?” because i know it’s not all that simple. i know, because i’ve been there too.

instead, i want to give you a tip you can follow if you’re willing to work towards staying clean.

only you know where you store the harming object. well, find a childhood pic of yourself along with a recent one- physical copies. place them both with the object you use to hurt yourself. if you want, keep other memorable tokens with it too like a ticket stub from a special day out, a letter or a sticky note from someone close to you, anything that reminds you of good times.

these memorable curios must be the first thing you see before you get to see the weapon of self-destruction so that you get to see your childhood self and hopefully remember those people who were with you when you collected the rest of the curios. try to remember how happy and carefree you were in those moments that felt like liberation. if the child in you saw what you have made out of yourself - these scars, tears, hate towards yourself and your body, do you think this is what the child in you thought you would be at this age?

we all have expectations, from our very childhood. we expect a certain age to mean something to us. we hope to not turn out like all the other teenagers we saw around us at that time. we wished to make a change in the world.

right now, i’m absolutely not asking you to go change the world. change the way you look at yourself first; everything else will fall into place.

[anaghaswiftie]

These days, I’m a stranger to myself. I’m discovering a bit of myself once or twice a week but the week later, it’s like all I’ve ever learned has disappeared and I’m with a stranger once again. I struggle with my opinions and identity. I often get lost in the middle of somewhere when I go out on my own because mostly, I’m just not living in the moment. I’m somewhere far away almost all the time. The only time I’m left not thinking about anything is when I’m with my friends or when I’m obligated to socialize with someone. I’m sorry but I need some time for coming to terms with myself and where I am. I’m sorry if I’m hardly myself anymore because I’m trying so hard to understand who I am and what other people have to do with me. I’m sorry.

[anaghaswiftie]

Possibilities are always endless. We cannot stop thinking about it but what stops us from reaching out and trying? We are afraid to affect what we already have. We are scared that we will end up breaking one good thing in our lives in the hopes of getting towards something better. That step that we hesitate to take can be the step which will take us to somewhere beautiful but we oversee it because we can’t take chances with what already exists. Why can’t we accept our fears but make a move to overcome it? Why can’t we be outright with our feelings instead of locking it up inside our minds, making other people and opportunities search cluelessly for answers? A possibility is called “possibility” for a reason. It is not certain only that could happen. Any move can lead to any number of places and people. Maybe you’ll end up finding something that you weren’t even looking for and maybe that something was what you needed all along to lead you to the answer. Maybe that something that you never even knew you needed, will help you move on from the thing you thought you wanted first. Give life a chance. Life is a risk that you took on, from the beginning. Live on the edge even if it means you aren’t as comfortable as you once used to be because life isn’t meant to be spent inside your comfort zone. You are meant to explore, learn and grow up as a human being, not an inhumane living being. Learn how to feel and let go of your fears. Let a person know your true feelings and lend a comforting shoulder to their laughter and tears. The little things are truly what matters the most because it could change the entire course of your life. It can drive you into new directions, making you redefine what home means to you.

[anaghaswiftie]

All these expectations.

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you get hurt a lot because of your own expectations and not because of other people’s actions? Most of us are hesitant to form new relationships in fear. Most of us are afraid that when our expectations get high, that relationship won’t be worth it. We are so worked up over where something can lead towards that we barely even stay alert during the process. When we meet someone, we rarely focus on the moment. Instead, we focus on what might happen in the future. Maybe that’s what drives us insane and insecure. Some of us are afraid to just let it be. Maybe it’s because of all this over thinking and analyzing that we are afraid to form natural relationships and let human nature lead us in our way. We get so worked up over simple things instead of working it out. We tend to complicate things. Maybe this is why boys and girls are rarely best friends for long without at least a brief period of doubting whether they are falling for each other. There’s this big society that’s betting on how both of you will be dating sooner or later and you begin to doubt your own feelings so much that you forget to enjoy and relish the friendship. Life doesn’t always have to be so complicated. Feelings aren’t complicated. Simple friends aren’t complicated. If any of this feels that way, then you ain’t doing it right. 

[anaghaswiftie]

Here’s to you, artists…

This is for all the artists out there. You can be a photographer, musician, dancer, painter, writer, magician or quite literally, anything else. All these people have two things in common: your passion to do what you love and the ability to make something absolutely trivial into pure magic. You have the capability to create something that can make others feel something. Think about how truly unique that is. You are able to create art; something that makes us feel something from the inside. For you, it may be a hobby, an escape, a profession, a dream come true or anything else but for the viewers, it portrays an entire spectrum of emotions, colors, and life itself. Realise your capacity and try to go beyond it. Appreciate what you have. You have a creative outlet; never neglect it. You possess something so excellently diverse so don’t try to overpower other artists. Instead, create your own wonderland. Celebrate all the forms of art around you; the ones noticeable or invisible, the ones subtle or extreme. Notice how beautiful the world becomes if you stop being oblivious to it. Perceive everything as if it is brand new every day; you just might be inspired. We block out the miracles happening right outside our doors so many days just because we are too focused on sticking to the routine. Take a vow to change up things. See the world as it is instead of letting your emotions paint it grey.

[anaghaswiftie]

I'm dying to be the one you love

All these things you do for me aren’t the reason I fell in love with you. You took up all my 11:11 wishes. You’re still the last person on my mind when I go to sleep. You’re the one in my dreams. You’re the first person that comes to my head when I wake up. I wish there was some way I could move on but you don’t make it too easy to hate you. I love you and I don’t know how I’m supposed to break it to my heart that you can never be with me in the way I want you to be.

[sociallyawkwardpessimist]

Are you really over them?

You can't say you've gotten over someone when you've been busy ever since the heartbreak happened. You can't say you got over someone if you've not been thinking about them at all. The real challenge is to face everyday with the memories of what might have been. Getting over is a process of remembrance, frustration and letting go. It might be different for everyone but if it really meant something to you, it'll take its own sweet time healing. You can't stop thinking of them immediately. Even if you can for two days, that's just repressing your emotions which will burst out at the nearest opportunity. Take time. Don't numb the emotions even if they are overwhelming. Being the heartbreaker or the heartbroken, the hurt will always be felt. You'll remember their smile and loving memories that you had which you thought would last forever. Let yourself wonder how different your life is going to be, if you're absolutely sure there are no chances you can get it back. Cry it all out, if you want to, just don't hold it in. After you're done, maybe weeks, months or years later you'll realize that they have become an unforgettable memory that you don't feel the need to completely remove from your life anymore because they have taught you a lesson. A lesson on how you can live without them as your partner. That memory is proof that something so beautiful and fragile existed in your life. Two innocent people whose lives intertwined for just enough time to make them realize the beauty of life. Life is cruel but you are here, aren't you? You're living your life, scared or brave, confident or not, you're here. You can't let a heartbreak crush your will to live because although love is everywhere, there are certainly more things to experience in life. This is not the end of you. Stay strong. Be happy. You are loved. ❤

[sociallyawkwardpessimist]

Drinking & Drugs; are they really worth it?

When did people decide that happiness depends on 'cracking open a cold one'? When did getting high become a new trend that everyone is ready to follow? When did ruining your functioning lungs become appealing? Can you only forget your problems on that risky high you get from those bottles in the bar? What is the point of seeking highs when it throws you right back to rock bottom as soon as it wears out? Don't people who don't get high get to create or experience awesome memories? I've got questions that need some thinking. I am hurt by the society that considers drinking and smoking as part of daily life. I am ashamed to see educated kids exploring ways to ruin their lives. I'm so done with people pretending that it's alright. All around us are advertisements and approvals for habitual drinking and drugs. TV shows and movies portray that a sober life without drinking is pathetic and glorify the use of drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. They're making it look like creating memories in a barely stable state is a great idea. No, it is not. Drinking is not cool. If you just look around, you'll know what I mean. People who drink in parties; that's a whole other case but look at the suffering households with alcoholics. The family is broken. Their hopes for the person are dying everyday, along with the alcoholic's health status. They have to endure all the meaningless conversations and brutal accusations brought upon them in the middle of the night, not allowing them to sleep. Think hard. Is drinking, doing drugs and smoking really worth losing it all, just for that momentum? I think it's ironic how people throw New Year's or birthday parties and get drunk or high to "celebrate". Little do they know that their "celebration" is the cause of another person's despair. They wake up the next day with head-splitting headache, not knowing what happened the night before. They run to the toilet and puke down the remnants of yesterday's poison. What you may be starting now, just as fun occasionally, might turn to consume your life. Trust me, you'll say now that it's no big deal. A cigarette then and there and just one beer bottle a month is harmless, you think but it'll haunt you for the rest of your life. Your decisions now are the reasons for your future health. Addiction doesn't knock on the door with a beautiful face, letting you acknowledge its entrance. You won't even have time to realize that it has consumed your life completely until the stage where people start giving up on you. You won't know the gravity of the situation until your fingers tremble every day you're without a drink or a puff. You won't know how much you've lost in the process until the smoke recedes and you look around to see nothing. Don't let this be your reality. Drinking and smoking aren't the way to have fun. You can let go of your sorrows by actually sitting down and talking to a friend. You can be carefree and feel high if you do what you love creatively. Look around at the people you love, respect their wishes for you because they only want the best for you. I only want the best for you. What you do, not only affects your own health, but the entirety of the society we live in. Stay strong. Be happy. You are loved. ❤

[sociallyawkwardpessimist]

Stability was never my intention

I'm not stagnant. People who notice me might know that. I don't stick with one routine for long. I keep changing up my hobbies. I might suddenly develop an intriguing urge to take photos creatively and pretend that I'm an amateur photographer. A couple weeks or months later, I'm into watercolor painting or just art in general even though I'm not very good at it. It doesn't mean I'm indecisive or that I'm not passionate about anything in life. I am. You may think what's the big deal about it? Everyone explores, I'm just a teen finding her way but other people expect. They keep expecting me to latch onto something passionately. Most people find comfort and safety in stability. For us 'milennials', it just means we are exploring our creative base and options but adults and onlookers just want us to tone it down and settle for one thing. I think that is close-minded. You'll never know what you're supposed to be doing in your life if you don't explore and there is absolutely no obligation to settle down. The previous generation probably didn't have the liberty to do as they please they might think that choosing an option very early on in life is the only right way to live. People who like stability and comfort in their life, I totally respect you. You are allowed to have your own perception of how you want to live your life. Other people who are constantly asked to conform to norms of the society or 'act according to your age', be like water. No matter how many obstacles and opinions arise to stop you from following your heart, stay true to yourself. Travel, write, sing, paint, model, take up photography.... It's all in you. You just have to try. When we follow our instincts and intuition, everything falls in place. Stay strong. Be happy. You are loved. ❤

[sociallyawkwardpessimist]

Body Positivity for Boys

This is to all the beautiful boys out there. Yes, this is for you. Read on. Society generally assumes that boys are confident and that they have a great self esteem. The social media portrays men as hot, cute and irresistible but at what cost? It sometimes makes you feel that you need to live it up to the magazines and movie stars, otherwise, you won't land yourself someone who loves you. It ain't true. Don't let the modern standardization of beauty trap you in too. There are so many body positive thoughts being spread throughout the world but its main focus tends to lay on girls because girls tend to express their vulnerability more. If boys do, then they are considered less masculine. All I want to say is, you are gorgeous. Your body is amazing; six packs or not. Got lots of body hair unlike glowing waxed models? Cool. We girls got it too. The clump of hair that always manages to stick out no matter how much amount of hair gel you apply?That's probably the best part of your hair. Don't ever feel ashamed about your appearance because it makes you unique. If you're fat, it's okay. You don't have to push yourself too hard over too little time if you want to reduce your weight. You are handsome with unruly stubble, fat or skinny, dark or light complexion. Being yourself is the most attractive thing you can be. If you're tired of the stereotypes (playboy, jerk, etc.), be kind to everyone. Don't mind the haters, love yourself. I love you. Stay strong. Be happy.

[sociallyawkwardpessimist]

Chin up, warriors. I'm with you.

Don't seem so intent on finding the perfect hand to hold yours when it's literally your other fucking hand. You don't need to search for things that necessarily make you feel happy. You just need to think about what you love. Devote at least 20 minutes of the weekend. Think of it as a gift to yourself. Spend time with yourself. It may be thinking of a beloved person or a memory. Think of something that makes you smile, even a little. Think about silly things and laugh to yourself. Call someone you've been missing, even if you think it's a bad idea. Do stupid things. You've spent enough time being mad at yourself for just existing and perhaps looking like the way you look. Look at your reflection in the mirror staring back at you. Console yourself and ask yourself to embrace for happier days. Wake up and smile no matter how hard it is to.

[anaghaswiftie]

Here’s to you, artists…

This is for all the artists out there. You can be a photographer, musician, dancer, painter, writer, magician or quite literally, anything else. All these people have two things in common: your passion to do what you love and the ability to make something absolutely trivial into pure magic. You have the capability to create something that can make others feel something. Think about how truly unique that is. You are able to create art; something that makes us feel something from the inside. For you, it may be a hobby, an escape, a profession, a dream come true or anything else but for the viewers, it portrays an entire spectrum of emotions, colours and life itself. Realise your capacity and try to go beyond it. Appreciate what you have. You have a creative outlet; never neglect it. You possess something so excellently diverse so don’t try to overpower other artists. Instead, create your own wonderland. Celebrate all the forms of art around you; the ones noticeable or invisible, the ones subtle or extreme. Notice how beautiful the world becomes if you stop being oblivious to it. Perceive everything as if it is brand new everyday; you just might be inspired. We block out the miracles happening right outside our doors so many days just because we are too focused on sticking to the routine. Take a vow to change up things. See the world as it is instead of letting your emotions paint it grey.

[sociallyawkwardpessimist]

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you get hurt a lot because of your own expectations and not because of other people's actions? Most of us are hesitant to form new relationships in fear. Most of us are afraid that when our expectations get high, that relationship won't be worth it. We are so worked up over where something can lead towards that we barely even stay alert during the process. When we meet someone, we rarely focus on the moment. Instead, we focus on what might happen in the future. Maybe that's what drives us insane and insecure. Some of us are afraid to just let it be. Maybe it's because of all this over thinking and analysing that we are afraid to form natural relationships and let human nature lead us in our way. We get so worked up over simple things instead of working it out. We tend to complicate things. Maybe this is why boys and girls are rarely best friends for long without at least a brief period of doubting whether they are falling for each other. There's this big society that's betting on how both of you will be dating sooner or later and you begin to doubt your own feelings so much that you forget to enjoy and relish the friendship. Life doesn't always have to be so complicated. Feelings aren't complicated. Simple friends aren't complicated. If any of this feels that way, then you ain't doing it right. Stay strong. Be happy. You are loved. ❤

[anaghaswiftie]

Possibilities are always endless. We cannot stop thinking about it but what stops us from reaching out and trying? We are afraid to affect what we already have. We are scared that we will end up breaking one good thing in our lives in the hopes of getting towards something better. That step that we hesitate to take can be the step which will take us to somewhere beautiful but we oversee it because we can’t take chances with what already exists. Why can’t we accept our fears but make a move to overcome it? Why can’t we be outright with our feelings instead of locking it up inside our minds, making other people and opportunities search cluelessly for answers? A possibility is called “possibility” for a reason. It is not certain only that could happen. Any move can lead to any number of places and people. Maybe you’ll end up finding something that you weren’t even looking for and maybe that something was what you needed all along to lead you to the answer. Maybe that something that you never even knew you needed, will help you move on from the thing you thought you wanted first. Give life a chance. Life is a risk that you took on, from the beginning. Live on the edge even if it means you aren’t as comfortable as you once used to be because life isn’t meant to be spent inside your comfort zone. You are meant to explore, learn and grow up as a human being, not a inhumane living being. Learn how to feel and let go of your fears. Let a person know your true feelings and lend a comforting shoulder to their laughter and tears. The little things are truly what matters the most because it could change the entire course of your life. It can drive you into new directions, making you redefine what home means to you. Stay strong. Be happy. You are loved. ❤