My Stupid Job Hunt

One of the millions of unemployed/underemployed endlessly trying to find a job that places me somewhere between abject poverty and the ability to afford a reasonable amount of healthcare. After months of searching, I've decided to blog about it because I'm not the only one going through this struggle and the one thing that doesn't make me resign myself to becoming a homeless derelict, is that it is not just me struggling here--and hopefully, it will help everyone else in the same situation not feel so disenfranchised.

[sofknfuture]

This Application is Ridiculous

 Annual revenue???  Ledger software???  Draw an organizational chart???  

Yeah, let me just call a quick shareholders meeting and find out the annual revenue of the companies I worked for--oh wait, most of them are privately held and that information is privileged.  Well, and I'm not a shareholder obviously.  Also, I'm not an accountant, I didn't interface with any ledger software.  How am I supposed to know this stuff? 

Better yet, what about when I worked for the Air Force?  Should I put the $620 billion or so of military appropriations for the year?  Should I draw the organizational chart starting with President Obama at top?

This application is clearly an executive level accountant who worked at large, publicly-traded corporations.  Yet the position I'm applying for an intermediate-level administrator at a small firm.  How does this make any sense to use this application with me?  Absurd.

[sofknfuture]

The Job Fair

What a great idea!  An opportunity sell your skill set to an actual person rather than trying to beat an online algorithm.  A place where skilled candidates and potential employers can interview one another in an informal setting.  The immense learning experience gained from getting real feedback and understanding what potential employers in your area are looking for in an applicant.  A place to network with not only local companies but other candidates, it's perfect...

OR it would have been, if there were actual employers at the job fair instead of just the local for-profit colleges and job search websites.  <sigh>  I guess it's back to the Internet. 

[sofknfuture]

"The Next Step...

in our process is we'll either call you back so you can meet with the hiring manager, or she'll call you for another phone interview, or we won't call you at all and well, then, you know..."

Oh I know.  I fully know what that means.  Thanks for the delicate propriety.  Also, a big thank you for explaining the full range of possibilities involved in literally every interview process so I avoid having expectations of any kind whatsoever.  I appreciate your fully noncommittal approach to the hiring process and am thrilled to sit around the next few weeks completely uniformed of my potential candidacy with your company.

Seriously though, why is corporate America so chicken shit?  You've probably narrowed the process down to only a few candidates at this point, what is so difficult about shooting me an email or calling me to tell me I haven't qualified for the next round?  It can't possibly be that much of a strain on your resources because honestly, the only thing worse than being rejected, is being blown off.

[sofknfuture]

System Error

Can we just talk about this for a second guys?  If you insist on telling me I can only apply online and then I spent an hour+ of my time filling out your application (which is fine, I'm happy to do it, it's the process--whatever), the least you can do is make sure your network isn't going to fail giving me a cryptic error message number and telling me to contact "technical support" with no information on how to contact "technical support." 

Look, this idea that you are farming out your human resource duties to a series of highlighted fields rather than allowing applicants to have access to an actual person who has the skills and training to assess a candidate's merit is already kind of bullshit, but then to not even have that system work on the most basic level?  Come on.  How exactly do you think you are going to find quality talent with this method?  Simple answer:  You aren't--which btw screws both of us.  

[sofknfuture]

Turndown Tuesday: Networking Edition

So my friend calls me up last week to tell me the "perfect job" for me just opened up at his work, send him my resume, and he'll "walk it down to HR" himself.  He "guarantees" I'll get an interview.  Networking, awesome!  Exactly what every blog, article, and various internet expert tells you that SHOULD be doing to become gainfully employed nowadays.  "It's who you know!"

 So Tuesday morning, I get this:

So I send him a quick text message to thank him for trying but I received a rejection letter--no response.  I send another message later to see if he wants to hang out--no response.  One more, still nothing...  A person who is absolutely attached to their phone is now ducking me because he obviously feels bad he couldn't get me a job at a company he doesn't own even though I'm not mad, I'm actually grateful he thought of me.  So dumb.

So what did I learn this Turndown Tuesday?  Networking is a bag of dildos if it creates unnecessary guilt among my friends because between friendless and unemployed, I'd definitely choose the latter.

[sofknfuture]

Seriously?!

This morning I opened my email to find I've been added to the staff list for a job I did not get--a company I didn't even hear back from. So now I'm getting work emails as if I was their employee.  

Seriously?!

You know at some points during this job hunt I've wondered if I'm being overly cynical or if perhaps my frustration is clouding my rationality.  That maybe focusing on the general absurdity of this process is somehow standing in the way of my progress--that I need to actualize through the positive or whatever.  However when faced with the sheer inanity of this level of incompetence, I feel completely justified.  How exactly I am supposed to navigate the job hunt when the HR departments are demonstratively incapable of presenting prospective employees with anything more than an absolute farce?  Seriously.

[sofknfuture]

Some Jobs That May Interest Me

Oh man is this ever helpful!  A bunch of nondescript jobs with the Army!  I am so glad I inadvertently signed up for your daily recommendations when I applied for that job last week.*

*Quick aside:  I'm not against serving in the military at all, my Father was career AF, it's just joining the military is a very specific calling.

[sofknfuture]

Pre-Employment Credit Checks

Let's talk about this bit of genius for a minute.  Look I get a background check, that's reasonable, you don't want some dude who went to jail for embezzlement doing the accounting at your business, sure.  However filtering candidates through credit checks is bullshit because credit ratings are bullshit.  

When I was young I was obsessed with having a good credit rating, I genuinely thought it was a mark of success.  I took a loan out for a car and I made payments every month, on time for 3 years, until the loan was completely paid off.  What was my reward for such dilligence? A black mark.  My credit score went down.  At that point, I realized that credit scores are really just a measure of how good of a debt slave you are as opposed to a reflection of your fiscal responsibility.  

I have no credit cards and no debt other than my students loans--meaning, my credit rating sucks.  Not because I'm delinquent on payments or spend outside my means or any of the other things that ACTUALLY show irresponsibility (and ironically raise your credit score) but because I show restraint in my financial dealings. Yet because of what I (and dare I say most) would consider responsible behavior I may not have access to a decent job.  This is only my little anecdotal world, sure, but what about someone who has medical debt or was the victim of credit fraud or some other costly crisis outside of their control?  They don't deserve a job?

Not to mention, noting the prevalence of malfeasance, I could make a very powerful argument to see the inside of your books as well corporate America...  Glass houses.

[sofknfuture]

"We Feel You Are Overqualified"

This is the most common rejection I, and frankly, most of the people I know with similar skill and experience levels, receive from employers.  Now let's not kid ourselves here, it really should not matter if someone is overqualified for a position.  In fact, it would be ideal since most companies are obsessed with reducing labor costs to constantly appease their shareholders with exponential profit increases every fiscal quarter (as if that is something that can even be done without some kind of schist) and the more qualified the employees are, the more tasks an employer can assign them, and the more productive the company becomes and so on blah blah blah.  

So I call bullshit.  What's happening here is you just want to contribute to the decline of the American middle class by not paying people what they're worth--but more importantly, what the hell am I supposed to do when there are no jobs in between CEO and clerk?  I don't have 20+years of experience to run your company yet, so I'm stuck with the clerk job that oh yes, I am overqualified for as are most people over 18.  However, at the interview/on the application/by even submitting to this job in the first place I agreed the compensation would be adequate.  So what's the problem?

The best part is the advice you are given by people in this circumstance of perpetually being "overqualified":  "Why don't you take your Master's Degree off your resume leaving you to awkwardly explain yet another gap in your employment?"  "Maybe you should play down your skills so it looks like you don't have any so they will hire you at half the price of what they would pay their other candidates."  "Have you thought about hiring a career counselor to tell you to get a job with the CIA?"  <EYE ROLL>

[sofknfuture]

Turndown Tuesdays

I've found that most rejection letters come on Tuesdays (though they tend to come everyday for me but that's not a neatly packaged segment is it?).  Companies make the hiring decision Friday, they offer to the lucky candidate Monday, and then Tuesday they tell us losers.

Let's review this Turndown Tuesday:

They decided to proceed with other candidates whose skills and experience are more closely related to the needs of the position, but hey, they wish me success in my search for a rewarding position, that's nice!

We didn't meet?  They decided to keep looking for the right fit, but look at that, they wish me the best in my future career endeavors, that's nice? 

Well they have decided to pursue other candidates who appear (benefit of the doubt at least) to match their requirements more closely, but hey they've wished me the best in my current job search, that's nice...

I'm starting to notice a pattern here…

They told me I had the job at the interview and they would call me Monday with a formal offer AND they didn't even bother to wish me luck.  That's some next level rejection. 

Well if I've learned anything on this Turndown Tuesday, it's how to write a rejection letter.

[sofknfuture]

"Reasons for Leaving this Position"

Why do you even ask this question on an application?  Obviously I'm not going to put "I found out the boss' nephew made twice as much as I did and had half the responsibility" or "After the VP who hired me quit, they hired a bigot who spent most of the workday ranting about homosexuals and our President and spending my day listening to hate speech didn't seem like a necessary part of my job" or "I got in trouble for reporting the physical abuse of the disabled clients because it made the company 'look bad'."

No, I can't imagine any part of a job application would want honesty because that's not really what we're doing here is it?  What we're actually doing here is seeing how many societal norms I can bullshit my way through so I can represent the ideal of corporate culture.  Yes that suburban perfectland where corporations provide entirely necessary products to clean faced nuclear families (or maybe even with the modern ethos of a non-traditional family but no matter what someone's in chinos and a cardigan) regardless of the abused third world labor or environmental damage or the growing economic disparity or any of the actual problems our system of Capitalism causes.  That place where only teenagers work in fast food and college degrees open doors--that place where the only reason you would ever leave a job is because of personal ambition.

So I'm going to type "a better opportunity came along" or "looking for a new challenge" or whatever wank I copy and paste from a "Best Reasons for Leaving a Job" blog post because if this is what not starving requires, I can bullshit.

[sofknfuture]

"We'll Keep Your Resume On File...

…for consideration for future positions."  Well that makes me feel better!  A rejection tempered with non-committal possibilities!  I'm sure that I will definitely hear from you again, I shouldn't even bother applying anywhere else because you maybe might in some nondescript future time possibly look at my resume for another job that may open up at some point that no one can determine with your company.

I know what you really mean to say.  The server of your third-party software client will automatically save my resume to file.  Where at some future date (not the same fabled future where my resume will be reviewed again, the actual future) one of their underpaid database managers will have to go through and delete it.

You really should just say:  "Don't call us, we won't call you."    

[sofknfuture]

"We've Decided to Eliminate the Position"

Defining need and reducing labor costs, I mean this is the stuff of effective resource management.  Hey you have other employees that I'm sure will love a bump in responsibility without equivalent pay that will do this job.   

Though, I would dare to argue that paying for an advertisement on a third party employment site, the hours of manpower used by your human resource department to sort resumes, call prospective employees, and conduct interviews for a job that management deemed unnecessary would maybe not be effective resource management--especially since you needed someone "immediately" because the department is "overloaded."

Yet, I get the feeling this is more of a "it's not you, it's me" break up situation here.  "We don't want to hire you, but we don't want to hurt your feelings so you keep doing business with us, soooo we're just going to tell you we eliminated the job."

[sofknfuture]

The Increasingly Reasonable Demands of My Interviewer

"We've had a high turnover--nearly ten people in this position in the last year." 

"We can't seem to find anyone who can manage the workload."

"We need someone with at least 10 years of experience and a graduate degree."

"Well basically you're the only person in the department so you will have a lot of responsibility.  We're looking for someone who can multi-task and juggle multiple assignments at once."

"So as you can imagine with the turnover we are really trying to find someone who will make a long term commitment--5 years or more." 

"No, we won't offer a contract."

"No there is no opportunity for advancement, we'd like someone to stay in this position."

"We can't guarantee an annual cost of living wage adjustment."

"It's a non-exempt position, we're offering $12.50 an hour"

"We don't allow overtime."

"The hours are determined by the presence of the director.  So it will be a swing shift."

"Well yeah we put 'days' on the listing because it will generally be daytime hours."

"No we don't allow flex time."

I think we're done here.  This position was reposted again this morning, the interview call I had was nearly 4 months ago.  It's so SURPRISING they can't find anyone to work for them!

[sofknfuture]

My Career Counselor's Advice

So at a point of exhaustion I sought out the help of the workforce development office, because if they can help felons get on their feet, why not the rest of us?  So I made an appointment with a career counselor to walk me through the steps of finding lucrative employment in my great state.  

He could not have been more helpful!  After two minutes of looking at my resume he turned to me and said these exact words:

"Have you thought about working for the CIA?"

YES.  Perfect.  Why didn't I think of that?  Obviously I should work for the CIA, then after why don't I work on the space station--or I can play major league baseball!  Oh, then I can star in a Hollywood film opposite Brad PItt!  You know what I haven't thought of working for the CIA because dude that's a FANTASY JOB.  Yes I'm sure they'll hire me right away, I mean I am an athletic Rhodes Scholar--in the same world that your advice is helpful.

[sofknfuture]

"Please Explain Your Qualifications for this Job...

…in less than 100 characters."  Okay sure, let me explain my entire career history, education level, and skill set in less than a tweet.  Though as I will emphasize to you in my future interview, I like a challenge.  Luckily I'm a millennial and we've categorically rejected spelling and grammar for brevity:

"Past jobs? Degrees? Computers? Data Sourcing?  I got this." 

Look I get what they are doing here, they are trying to find those functional keywords to stand out from the other 800 applications they will get for this job, it's just they aren't giving us any room for error.  What if I have the skills they want, I just included the wrong ones?  Well luckily the internet exists and there's all kinds of great advice from unemployed bloggers like myself who make incredibly helpful charts like this one:

<Cntrl+ C, Cntrl+ P, Submit>  Thanks Internet!  Love the font.

[sofknfuture]

Personality Quiz

I just spent two hours taking a personality quiz for a position at a large corporation.  I'd like to know what HR consultant firm sold this company on shelling out the money for the software and the storage and maintenance of said software to ask me if I think I'm "Devious or Honest" "Decisive or Indecisive" "Rude or Polite."  Oh jeez, however will I answer these incredibly difficult questions?  I hope I answer them in a way that makes me seem a desirable employee! 

I wish I could have attended THAT meeting.

"Well our market research shows that honest, decisive, and polite employees are the most desirable. After careful analysis we've found the best way to assess the characteristics of potential hires is to make them take an asinine 2 hour quiz that asks them questions that they would have to be absolutely stupid not to know how to answer correctly.  So we've provided a comprehensive software solution:  'Inane Time Waster and Exhaustive Quiz"--ITWEQ, is a complete package that will help your HR department find the correct employee for the position.  The starting package is $50,000 with an annual storage and maintenance fee of $10,000." 

SOLD!